145th Entry

March 26^th, 2037

2103

Dear Space Diary

So that took a little longer than I anticipated, but the questionnaire is done. Mary did a couple of –

“Hundred.”

- questions as well. Have sent them back to NASA, hopefully they’ll get back to us with a response quickly.

March 27^th, 2037

1130

<INCOMING TRANSMISSION>

__

THANK YOU FOR APPLYING FOR WARRANTY PROTECTION OF YOUR <INSERT SHIP HERE> PROVIDED BY NASA.

WE UNDERSTAND YOUR TIME IS VALUABLE AND WOULD LIKE TO ASSURE YOU WE WILL BEGIN ASSESSING THE ERRORS WITH YOUR SPACECRAFT AS SOON AS THE 72 HOUR WARRANTY EVALUATION PERIOD HAS ELAPSED.

WE WILL THEN RESPOND TO YOUR QUERY WITHIN 1-2 BUSINESS WEEKS.

IF YOUR PROBLEM RELATES TO A CRITICAL LIFE SUPPORT FAILURE, WHICH HAS A REQUIRED RESPONSE TIME OF 30 MINUTES, YOU ARE MOST LIKELY ALREADY DEAD, FOR WHICH WE APOLOGISE.

THIS IS AN AUTOMATED REPLY. PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE, AS YOU WILL (AUTOMATICALLY) NOT RECEIVE A REPLY.

WE WILL REPLY AS SOON AS WE ARE ABLE, SO WATCH THIS SPACE.

…GET IT?

__

<END TRANSMISSION>

Great. Just great.

1210

Back to being bored in space.

1225

Wheeeeeeeeeeee.

1330

“Hey, you busy?”

Not even close. What’s up?

“I’m up to P.”

Bathroom’s that way. I would hope you knew that by now.

“The letter P, moron.”

I’m the moron? You didn’t know where the bathroom was.

“I KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS!”

Sorry, just unbelievably bored.

“Me too. There’s only so much knowledge you can take in at once.”

How’s that going?

“The orange is a hybrid fruit thought to date back to ancient times.”

No P one?

“Nah, P’s boring.”

Preposterous.

“Shut up.”

1800

“What’s for dinner?”

It’s your turn to cook.

“We don’t need to cook. It’s all automatic.”

It’s your turn to press the button then.

“But I pressed it last night!”

1830

“Your turn to do the dishes.”

I didn’t use any dishes.

“Yes, and it was disgusting. Now clean up. Your turn, and I cooked.”

I don’t see why I should have to wash dishes if I didn’t use any.

“I didn’t make the rules.”

Yes you did.

2200

3.0!

“Yeah, what?”

Can you turn down the music please.

“It’s just music.”

I’m trying to sleep.

“At 10 o’clock? Oldie.”

“I’m like 10 years older than you.”

2220

I’m not kidding. Turn the music down.

“You’re just unable to cope with our edgy new music, Granpa.”

You’re listening to Frank Sinatra.

“And he’s awesome. So what’s your problem?”

I’m trying to sleep!

“And I’m trying to listen to music. You’re making it very difficult.”

“WILL BOTH OF YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!”

March 28^th, 2037

0813

“WHO LEFT THEIR TOWEL ON THE FLOOR?”

Sorry Mary…

“Thanks for covering for me.”

“I heard that.”

“Crap.”

March 29^th, 2037

1333

Don’t throw out your apple peel one more time…

“And what?”

…And I’ll pick it up too.

“Good man.”

March 30^th, 2037

1644

Forget Earth, I think we’re all going to kill each other first.

144th Entry

March 26^th, 2037

1510

Dear Space Diary

Little weirded out. NASA was… helpful? And even stranger, polite.

Clearly, they’re up to something.

I’ve got to talk to the Marys.

1540

The Marys were dismissive of my concerns. I’m slightly hurt. Well, not really, but I definitely made it sound like that in order to win the argument. Underhanded I know. I do regret it, if only because it didn’t work.

Anyway, they were of the (I guess understandable) opinion that getting home was the highest priority. Therefore my objections were demolished with the following arguments:

a) NASA is not inherently evil, although the person running our mission quite possibly is.

b) While the person running our mission might be evil, it doesn’t mean they want us dead.

c) Even if the person running our mission is evil, and does want us dead, that’s a problem to tackle later. Such as when we’re on the comfort of Earth, for example, and not trapped in a spaceship with little to no hope of rescue, apart from aforementioned potential evil person in points a, b, and c.

d) They outnumber me and therefore they win by default. Yay for democracy.

It’s hard to argue with all of the above. Particularly D.

But I remain concerned. NASA being bright and bubbly is a bit of a dramatic shift and it makes me wonder what they’re hiding. It sounded pretty artificial.

1553

Also, I never told them Mary 3.0 threatened to punch me. How did they know about that?

I’ll send them the info, I guess. The Mary’s are right, we can cross that bridge when we come to it. On Earth. And if they can fix the engines, and they do fix the engines… Well there’s not really an if. If they don’t, we get back to Earth in 30 years and can retire.

But I’d like to live a little first.

1557

Alrighty, let’s go through this questionnaire.

SPACESHIP (WARRANTY) REPAIR REQUEST

Hmm. Good start. I’m sure as hell not paying for this. Although I am apparently fabulously wealthy now.

Ooh, I’d forgotten about that. I should probably buy a yacht or something. Rich people do that.

Enough distraction, back to the questions. I’ll just go as many as I can, and then go see Mary for the technical bits.

WHEN DID THE PROBLEM FIRST OCCUR?

Yesterday.

Easy.

WHAT STEPS DID YOU TAKE TO RESOLVE THE ISSUE?

Um… Insufficient information available to perform additional technical support.

There, that sounds nice and professional.

DID YOU TRY RESTARTING THE MAIN COMPUTER? (WARNING – RESTARTING MAIN COMPUTER COULD DISABLE LIFE SUPPORT, CAUSING SUB-ZERO TEMPERATURES, LACK OF OXYGEN, AND MEDIUM TO EXTREME DEATH.)

…No.

These questions are easy. Might not even need Mary at all.

PLEASE CALCULATE THE THRUST TO VELOCITY RATIO FOR THE LAST 36 HOURS, ENSURING TO FACTOR IN ALL RELEVANT LOCAL GRAVITY FIELDS TO 19 DECIMAL PLACES (OR MORE), THEN DIVIDE BY WEIGHT OF CRAFT AND ENGINE STAR POWER LEVELS (DELIVERED, NOT PROJECTED ).

…Mary?

143rd Entry

March 26^th, 2037

1135

Dear Space Diary

“Ugh. Guys! Just ask NASA for help! This is their ship, they’ll know how to fix it!”

“No. they betrayed me and left me for dead.”

No. They lied to me and marooned me on an alien world.

“But if we don’t ask them, we’ll be doomed to drift through space for the next 30 years!”

We’ll find another way.

“Great. What is it?”

…I haven’t found it yet.

“How long will it take you? 30 years?”

Don’t be mean.

“Actually, she kind of isn’t. This is a huge ship. We don’t know where to start looking. It could be in the engines. It could be a computer problem. It could be a faulty wire somewhere between the two. In other words we’d need to search every cabin and cavity of the entire ship. It could take years, if not decades. Unless we’re lucky. And I’m not a fan of our luck so far.”

So now you’re on her side?

“Well, she is my genetic double in every single way, down to the last atom.”

Except she’s younger.

“…I’m going to give you 30 seconds to decide if you’d like to pretend you’d never said that.”

It’s ok, I don’t need 30 seconds.

“Good man. Look, I don’t want to talk to them any more than you do. I really don’t. I’d prefer not to have anything to do with them, ever. But if it’s a choice between talking to NASA and drifting aimlessly in space for 30 years again, I don’t really feel I have a choice.”

…I don’t know. Can we trust them?

“Ugh. Honestly, how did I ever fall in love with you?”

Hormones.

“30 seconds?”

I’m good.

“Right. Allow me to use an analogy to help explain your choices.”

Go ahead.

“See this strawberry?”

Yes.

“This strawberry represents your pride and stubbornness.”

Ok.

“Now, see my fist?”

Yes.

“This fist represents my fist.”

Ah.

“Any questions?”

No, no, that’s a very clear analogy.

“So what would you like to do now?”

I’d like to go talk to NASA.

“Excellent! That’s a great idea.”

1400

Sent NASA a short (admittedly slightly terse) message explaining that we were drifting aimlessly (in more ways than one), and asking if, given they stranded us here in the first place they might redeem themselves by helping us to get back again.

They won’t respond. We did foil and ruin all of their plots. That’s bound to make you a little snippy towards someone.

1500

Knew they wouldn’t –

<INCOMING TRANSMISSION>

__

GOOD AFTERNOON.

LOVELY TO HEAR FROM YOU AFTER SO LONG! WE ARE VERY SORRY TO HEAR YOU ARE HAVING SPACESHIP TROUBLE. I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT!

I HAVE INCLUDED A SHORT QUESTIONNAIRE TO PROPERLY ASSESS THE PROBLEM. PLEASE RETURN THIS FORM ASAP SO THAT I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT!

P.S. SURE SOUNDS LIKE 3.0 HAS A MEAN RIGHT CROSS!

LOVE,
NASA

__

<END TRANSMISSION>

Clearly they’ve hired a new customer relations officer.

142nd Entry

March 26^th, 2037

1103

Dear Space Diary

Have we jumped to light speed yet?

“I dunno. I was going to ask you. I’ve never travelled at light speed.”

But… you know everything.

“Not everything. Just more than you. Which could say a lot or a little, depending on how malicious I’m feeling.”

How malicious are you feeling?

“Not very. We’re going home!”

Unless we don’t actually jump to lightspeed.

“What’s it like?”

Well, from my limited personal experience, it feels like your stomach explodes, and then your clock stops working for a few days.

“Enlightening. Well, we’ve been speeding up for the last day or so, maybe it needs to get to a certain speed before it can – as you put it – jump.”

Well, how long until we reach lightspeed? You’re good with maths.

“Well, there’s the speed there, on that screen. How long until we reach lightspeed?”

Um…

“You don’t know how fast lightspeed is, do you?”

I have other talents.

“I can only imagine.”

You’ve got quite a sarcastic streak.

“And I fit right in here.”

…true.

“Ok, I’m sorry. Your question is a little misleading I think anyway. Given they have separate engines for regular speed, and for light speed, it wouldn’t necessarily need to reach light speed before it could travel at light speed. It could just, well, jump to that speed.”

So here’s my question then. Why hasn’t it done that yet?

“…That’s a very good question.”

1127

I don’t get it. NASA haven’t exactly left a manual lying around, but… as far as I can tell, the engines should have jumped to light speed.

“I agree. We’re not near any planets or heavy gravitational pull, the engines are receiving signals, and the fuel gauge is full. So why aren’t we jumping?”

“Frogs primarily jump to escape predators.”

Hello 3.0.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

Well, the faster than light engine isn’t firing. So we’re still travelling at normal speed.

“Do we need more grapefruit?”

“No,  that won’t help sadly. As far as I can tell, the engines should have fired. They just… haven’t.”

“Well, fix them! You’re smart. You can do this.”

“I… I don’t know how. At all. I don’t even know where to start.”

“So who would know?”

…NASA.

“Great! Let’s ask them.”

“No!”

No!

“Whoa. Passionate response. Why not?”

NASA, or whoever took them over, are the reason we’re out here in the first place. They lied to me when they sent me out here. Said I’d be gone two weeks and only go to the edge of the solar system. Then my ship malfunctioned accidentally on purpose, sending me all the way out here.

“They told me I was going to Mars and they’d bring me back home to Earth. Instead, they were sending me on a one way trip to be used as a farm for cloning cells.”

NASA sent us out here. They’re not interested in bringing us home.

“Exactly.”

Plus, I kind of yelled at them earlier.

“…What?” 

141st Entry

March 25th, 2037

1630

Dear Space Diary

Hey, 3.0, are you in here?

“Yeah sure, come in.”

How are you going?

“The Eiffel Tower was built in 1889.”

That’s just super. Listen, I just came in to tell you that the engines have started up again.

“Good to know, thanks.”

Also, why are all the books on the floor?

“Turns out the engines started up again.”

I lost a house.

“That’s fairly careless. Did you check behind the fridge?”

A house of cards. When the engines started.

“Hang on, hang on. C… c… cards… card houses. Like this?”

Yeah. Only bigger.

“Cool! Sucks to lose it. Can you show me how to do that one day?”

Yeah sure.

“Are we going to be friends? You know, on Earth?”

I’d like that.

“Would she like that?”

My fiancé? I doubt she’ll have a problem. We’re just friends after all.

“I dunno. Divorce was a pretty big section in D. Some of the reasons seemed pretty silly.”

Probably didn’t seem silly to the people involved though. And that’s probably what mattered.

“Yeah. I guess. Hey, can I ask a question?”

Sure.

“Are humans stupid?”

Er, sometimes?

“I’m just reading through all these things, and… some of them seem to be pretty stupid. Like, really stupid.”

Some of them are I’m sure. But there are many who aren’t.

“How do you know that?”

Well, the Earth hasn’t been blown up yet.

“You have been away.”

Still. Trust me. Am I stupid?

“Well…”

Safer question. Is Mary stupid?

“Oh no. She’s not stupid.”

See? That’s one. And you’ll meet more.

“…Ok then.”

All ok?

“The first ejector seat appeared may have appeared as early as 1910.”

Good stuff.

1710

Well, I’ve been putting this off for long enough. Guess I should just get it over with.

Sigh.

1712

Ok here goes.

Dear. NASA.

So, um. It’s been a while.

How you been?

Anyway, it’s about half an hour before I’ll get a response to this, so I reckon I’m free to just talk while you listen. If you agree, wait thirty minutes before responding.

Good NASA.

So, I’m coming home. Mary’s coming home. As is another Mary.

I don’t know whether the clones were your idea. Or if somebody just paid you to build ships and look the other way. Either way I’m actually pretty sorry I messed with your plans. It certainly wasn’t my intention. Maybe if you’d told me the truth from the start, I’d have been inclined to help.

Probably not, though.

What I do know, is that those clones deserved to have a say in the matter. Mary deserved to have a say. I deserved to, too.

So I gave them a choice.

I’m happy to report the cloning process worked. If you want any reports or evidence, I’ll happily provide them.

In return, all I ask is to be left alone.

Thank you.

1715

Oh, and P.S.

Come after either Mary or 3.0, and I’ll rip your teeth out.

140th Entry

March 25th, 2037

1303

Dear Space Diary

Mary’s just reported that the fruits of her labour are growing well, and should be big enough to register on the scanner by sometime this afternoon.

3.0’s still cloistered away, up to ‘Colostomy Bag,’ so she’s making good progress, although that’s not a conversation I wish to participate in so I’m keeping away until she’s safely in the Ds.

So, I’ve pretty much got the place to myself until either one of them need something. So here I am. Alone. In space. Takes me back to my alone in space days.

Which weren’t fun. Need something to distract myself with.

1320

Well, I’ve made an important scientific discovery.

Real food is awesome.

Contributing factors or catalysts may include personal taste, choice of food, and the fact that I haven’t eaten real food in months.

In conclusion: Real food is awesome.

1325

Is it time for dinner yet?

1500

Decided to steer clear of the kitchen for a little while. Things could get… unhealthy.

Wonder if they’ve got solitaire installed on the computer?

1507

Well, they do have Solitaire installed. Unfortunately Mary has also installed a very large sign that reads “Touch the computer and die, possibly literally,” so I’ve decided to leave it be for the time being. But, in what was an awfully kind thought, she also left something else.

Playing cards. Actual playing cards. They hardly ever make these anymore. I’m amazed that NASA has any on board. Real books. Real playing cards.

This futuristic space ship is totally retro.

I haven’t used playing cards since I was a kid. This is special. I’ve in so much nostalgia right now.

1510

Ok, cards dealt out, all neat and ordered. Let’s play.

1512

Hmm.  Takes a bit longer to play manually. On the computer I can just tap the screen. Now I need to move everything. It’s kind of tiring.

Still awesome though.

1515

Ow! Just got a paper cut from the King of Clubs. Man that hurts!

And it’s sitting on top of six other cards!

Stupid King of Clubs.

1529

This is taking ages! You have to move everything everewhere. And the cards don’t even spin when they move! Well, unless I spin them. But that’s no fun.

1544

Nearly there! I’m so close to winning! Come on.

It’s actually a really satisfying game. No matter how many times I played it on the computer, it always felt like an achievement when the cards would finally cascade down the screen.

1550

I DID IT! I WON! YEAH!

…The cards aren’t cascading.

That’s really rather a letdown.

1555

Hey I know! I could build a house of cards.

1610

This is much more fun! Gotten up to three levels. Making a massive circus tent style building. Always made these when I was a kid.

1617

Five levels!

1623

Almost done six levels. Six! I’ve never done six before!

This is the greatest –

FWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMPPPPPPHH

My house!

“The engines have started again!!!”

…yay.

139th Entry

March 25^th, 2037

0930

Dear Space Diary

Been a quiet day. Mary’s been asleep for 24 hours so far and 3.0’s decided to make the most of the voyage by learning about Earth so she’s locked herself in one of the study rooms with the ship’s collection of encyclopaedias which – in an amazingly retro touch – are in book format. I stuck my head round the door last night to see how she was going. She asked me what an armadillo was, so I guess it’s slow going.

Spent the day in the lab watching the Grapefruit in Mary’s gene vat. And hoping they don’t start to watch back. I’m sure what we’re doing is probably considered unethical to some extent. And I’m not sure what to do with them when we get back. Release them into the wild to roam free.

Well, roll free anyway. So long as we’re on a hill.

Note to self. Find hill.

I really don’t know what I’m looking for, but the grapefruit seem to be growing well. Can I call them grapefruit? Mapefruit, maybe.

Looks like Mary ran out of grapefruits to use though. There’s a Mavocado and a Miwi fruit in there as well. Hope I don’t get a sudden craving for grapefruit for breakfast.

“Oh don’t worry, there’ll be more by now?”

More? Also, good morning.

“I found out where the fruit supply is coming from. It’s the next evolution from nutritional paste. Genetically engineered fruit, grown in vats in the ships walls and fed through to the kitchen. Infinite fruit supply.”

And if we want to eat something other than fruit?

“Unless there’s a cow on board somewhere, I think when the freezer is empty, it’s empty.”

Wait, we have meat?

“Yeah. Meat, milk, bread, cheese, salad, the works. Why what have you been eating?”

…Paste.

“Paste. We’ve been on this ship for three days, and you’ve only been eating paste?”

I thought that’s all there was! It’s a NASA ship!

“What about the fruit?”

Don’t really like fruit.

“So hang on, we’re on a state of the art ship, will full food facilities, and you’ve been eating that disgusting paste?”

I didn’t know!

“Excuse me, could you go into the other room? I have to laugh.”

For how long?

“Couple of hours should do it.”

1135

“Ah, that’s better.”

You haven’t really been laughing for two hours.

“No of course not. I finished laughing and then went to check on the Grapefruit.”

And the kiwi fruit and the avocado.

“I’m afraid the kiwi fruit didn’t make it.”

…what? What happened?

“The solution was too strong for it. And it was too small. It got overloaded with gene… juice.”

Well, first of all, ew. And secondly… the kiwi fruit died?

“Well died may be too strong a word. But, yes.”

I feel kind of sad.

“Oh don’t worry, we’ll still have more than enough.”

Should we hold a funeral or something?

“It’s a kiwi fruit. So no.”

Heartless.

"Yes. It was."

138th Entry

March 24^th 2037

0900

Dear Space Diary

Right, now an acceptable time of morning.

KNOCK KNOCK

Mary? Are you in there?

“Yeah come on in.”

Just came to check in and see how… wow. You look tired.

“Haven’t really slept properly in, well, a good few weeks now. There was synthesising the fuel, then all the stuff with shutting down the clone facility, then the launch, then this…”

But what about all the times when we stopped for the night? We slept then.

“You slept then.”

But I think I would have noticed if you’d been awake all night.

“Not really. You were asleep.”

Oh. Well, in that case, don’t you think it’s time you got some sleep?

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

Actually, that’s not how it works.

“Whatever. I’ve work to do.”

Ok, sure. Speaking of, how goes the abomination of science?

“Well! Thanks for asking. I’d like you to meet Mary 3.06.”

…That’s a grapefruit.

“Yes! A grapefruit spliced with the cloned cells of Mary 3.0! It doesn’t really count as human. Or even especially alive. But hopefully it’s alive enough to fool the scanner. Go on, pick it up.”

Does it bite?

“…It’s a grapefruit.”

Can it talk?

“It doesn’t have vocal cords. I haven’t, you know, given it organs or anything. I’ve just bonded the DNA.”

Does it do tricks?

“I’m not sure you fully understand how this whole cloning thing works.”

But Mary 3.0 can.

“Do tricks?”

Talk. Bite.

“Oh? You guys hit it off then?”

…Ha. I presume she does. I’ve seen her eat. Biting was involved.

“Don’t worry, I’m just messing with you. 1am humour.”

It’s 9 in the morning.

“Whatever! I’m tired.”

Get some sleep.

“No, I’ve too much work to do.”

What is there left to do? 3.06 is perfect!

“Yes, but I have to make another 100 or so to fool the scanner. They’re growing in the gene vat I made over there. And I might still have to make some changes if the scanner doesn’t register it as a clone.”

Well, let’s go check then!

0911

“Ok, here’s the scanner readout. What’s the number?”

…3! We did it!

“We?”

I offered moral support.

“I ask again. We?”

…You did it!

“Thank you.”

So we know it works. That’s fantastic! Here, have some grapefruit juice.

“Um, where did you get that?”

I just found it lying around, why?

“In… the lab?”

Yeah, there was this grapefruit on the bench. Didn’t look important, so I squeezed it. It screamed.

“Now you’re just being mean.”

Extremely. Don’t worry, I got it from the fridge. From a carton. No cannibalism involved.

“Ok, good. Mm, that’s actually pretty good!”

Glad you liked it. Because there’s something special about that juice.

“I know, it’s celebratory.”

Something else.

“…it’s chilled?”

I added something to the juice. Hope you don’t mind.

“Sugar?”

That, and about three ground up sleeping pills.

“You. That was a really low thing to –“

THUMP

Sweet dreams Mary. You’ve earned them.