163rd Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0308

Dear Space Diary

“How she doing?”

Well she appears to be breathing. That’s a good thing, right?

“Yes, breathing is a good thing.”

How long have I got before I pass out?

“Hard to say. 3.0 had hours, but I can’t say how long you’ve got.”

…Hard. To say.

“There’s a lot of factors. Weight, lung capacity, heart strength. I’m smart but I’m not that smart.

I thought you were. You always seem to know everything.

“That’s sweet, but no. So tell you what, stop wasting your oxygen flirting with me and go save 3.0.”

I wasn’t flirting.

“Just shut up and go.”

Going.

“I’ve boosted the oxygen flow to 3.0’s tube. Given you’ve blocked the other end, this should hopefully make it much easier to see.”

0314

Ok, I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.

“I hate that combination. What is it?”

Good news is I can see the leak. Also 3.0 had plenty of duct tape left, so I can use that to plug the leak good enough to get her back inside.

“Fantastic! Oh I’m so pleased. Wait. You said there was bad news. Is there bad news? What’s the bad news?”

Well, I can’t reach it.

“What do you mean?”

I’m currently cabled up to 3.0. Which is a short cable. And the oxygen tube is a very long cable. So we’re here. And the leak is waaaaaaay over there. So I’m stuck.

“No you’re not.”

Eh?

“It’s simple a matter of thinking it out. You are tethered to the door of the ship by the oxygen tube.”

So?

“Sigh. So, you infuriatingly stupid person, simply pull your way along the tube. It’s zero gravity. 3.0 will come with you.”

…That actually does seem kind of obvious now you mention it.

“Depressingly so.”

But hang on, I don’t want to put too much strain on 3.0’s tube. It could tear it further. Then we’d be completely screwed.

“You have an oxygen tube too, you know.”

…You don’t have to make me sound stupid.

“You’re right. I don’t.”

0315

“How goes the abseiling?”

I’m going up, not down. Well, technically sideways. So it’d be rock climbing, not abseiling.

“Oh of course, sorry.”

Who’s stupid NOW, huh?

“Still you. That person who’s life you’re trying to save. How’s that working out?”

We’re getting there. The leak is close. It looks a lot bigger from here.

“I’m pumping the oxygen through pretty hard. Thought you might have trouble seeing it.”

We’re not going to run out or anything are we?

“We’ve got a passenger list of about 100-200 less than they were expecting. And the ship has oxygen recyclers. So that’s a double no.”

Does that means that’s a yes?

“Me and you are going to have to disagree on the grammar.”

You and I.

“I could turn off your oxygen right now.”

But you won’t.

“Why not?”

Who else would help you with your grammar?

“That’s it, you’re dying. Nice knowing you.”

162nd Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0300

Dear Space Diary

I’m nearly there.

“How does she look?”

Fine, I think. Just floating away.

“That doesn’t sound fine.”

I’m attempting to stay upbeat. Give me a minute. Nearly there.

0302

Got her. She’s… she’s out cold.

TAP TAP TAP

“What are you doing?”

Trying to get a response.

TAP TAP TAP

Nothing. She’s out.  We’ve got to get her some air soon.

“I don’t really know why the levels are so low. Does the suit look ok?”

Nothing wrong that I can see. No cracks or tears, tube’s properly connected.

“Take a closer look, if there’s a tear somewhere we need to patch it. Otherwise we can’t get the oxygen levels back up.”

Can’t I just carry her inside.

“You can, and you should be doing that anyway, but that’s more time without oxygen. If there’s something wrong we need to fix it now.”

Ok, ok, I’m just… not that comfortable with examining a woman in close detail. Feels a little prying.

“You’re not sexually harassing her, you’re saving her life!”

And that’s going to stand up in court?

“Just do it. Besides she’s in a space suit. How much are you really going to see?”

Ok, ok, fine.

0304

Nope, suit is good.

“And?”

You have very nice legs.

“Atta boy.”

So if they suit is fine, then why is she losing oxygen?

“I really don’t know, if the tube’s connected as you say –“

What about the tube?

“Pardon?”

The tube. What if the tear is on the tube.

“…that’d do it. And nothing would register on the monitor for the suit itself!”

Only one problem. That tube is very, very long. And it’s going to pretty hard to spot the leak.

“If it’s leaking, you should be able to see the gas escaping. If the flow is strong it should be pretty easy to see.”

Was the flow strong?

“Not especially.”

Can you make it stronger?

“Well I can, but then if you patch it 3.0 will suddenly get a much larger dose of oxygen.”

That’s good, it sounds like she needs to catch up.

“…It doesn’t work that way.”

It doesn’t.

“Gases 101. Not enough oxygen: bad. Too much oxygen: also bad.”

We’re fussy creatures aren’t we?

“Yes. Speaking of fussy, have you found the leak yet?”

I’m looking, I’m looking.

0307

“Well?”

Nothing yet.

“She’s running out of time.”

Look, this isn’t working. She needs oxygen, now.

“Ok. Feel like doing something drastic?”

Sure, why not.

“On the back of your suit is a loop through oxygen cable.”

A what?

“Sigh… a big blue cable that says “oxygen loop through.”

Found it.

“Plug it into the oxygen pass… into the orange plug on the back of 3.0’s suit.”

Ok. Done.

“Now, switch off the main oxygen tube on her suit.”

What?

“I’m increasing the oxygen through your tube and splitting it between you. It’s not much but it’ll keep her going.”

Enough for both of us?

“No. So hurry.”

161st Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0245

Dear Space Diary

…Did she just pass out?

“I think she did.”

3.0? Why did you pass out?

“I’m not sure she’s entirely in the position to answer that.”

I was hoping it would provoke some kind of sarcastic response. Or indeed any kind of response.

“Can you see her on the camera?”

I can, but… she’s not moving. I can’t see her face. Can you check her vital signs from here, or anything?

“No, NASA are curiously non-invasive when it comes to space suits. No needles or anything.”

But plenty of tubes in uncomfortable places.

“Yes they’re quite keen on those. But I can see… Oh.”

What is it?

“Her oxygen. It’s low.”

She’s not getting air?

“No it’s there. Just very low. Much lower than it should be. If she’s been out there and been getting not quite enough oxygen, well it would take a while she would –“

Pass out?

“Yes. Which appears to have happened.”

And if she doesn’t get more oxygen soon, what happens?

“Well, on a scale of Bad to Worse: Heart Failure; Brain Damage; Coma; then Death.”

I’d like to avoid all of those.

“So we should probably stop talking?”

Yes.

“Hey, where are you going?”

To suit up. And get 3.0 back inside here, with all of our lovely oxygen.

“You’re not going to –“

To what?

“Um… Panic?”

What are you implying?

“When you think something bad might happen… you have a track record of panicking.”

I’m not sure I appreciate that comment.

“It’s true.”

Maybe so but I don’t appreciate it. Anyway, I don’t think something bad might happen, something bad IS happening. There’s a difference.

“So you’re not going to panic?”

Not planning to.

“Well… good. That’s good. Good.”

Yes it’s good. So, we should probably stop talking.

“Yes, let’s do that.”

0249

I don’t know if there’s a Guinness world record for ‘Space Suit Putting On’ but I think I’d be a contender.

“If there is, they probably have a better name than ‘Space Suit Putting On.’ And what happened to not talking? 3.0’s in danger!”

In order to go outside I need the airlock to be opened. Have you opened the airlock?

“…I’ll get right on that.”

Thank you.

“Ok, it’s opening.”

Great. Here I go.

0255

“How are you doing?”

Climbing as fast as I can. Guess I’m a bit out of practice. She’s still a fair way away.

“Still not moving?”

No. I’d better climb faster.

“Faster than as fast as you can?”

That’s not helping.

“Sorry. You know the whole you’re not panicking thing?”

Yeah?

“Well, I might be panicking a little.”

Deep breaths.

“Don’t talk about breaths! She could be dead.”

Hey. Mary. It’s ok. We’re going to save her.

“And if we don’t?”

Then it won’t be because we didn’t try.”

“Ok, that’s good.”

Good. Hang in there, Mary.

“You’re outside on the side of a spaceship. I’m inside on a comfy chair. You hang on.”

Will do.

160th Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0145

Dear Space Diary

“Mary are you there?”

“Reading you, 3.0.”

“…You mean you can hear me?”

“Yes. 3.0. Yes I do.”

“Because I’m not a book.”

“I can read you like a book if that’s any help.”

“Not especially. Wiring just about done. I’ve replaced the frayed wires, just hooking them up and applying liberal coatings of duct tape and we should be in business.”

That’s amazing, 3.0. Well done!

“Oh, it’s you. Why didn’t you respond to our messages?”

I was asleep. And Mary had the microphone off.

“You could have responded if you really wanted to.”

Had I known you were actually talking to me, I would have. Haven’t you got more important things to be doing than berating me?

“Not especially.”

It’s 2 in the morning and you’re hanging to the side of a spaceship careening through space trying to fix the engine.

“Well when you put it like that…”

0223

“And… I think we’re done. Mary, are we done?”

“Let me run a quick diagnostic.”

THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING NASAGNOSTIC, YOUR NUMBER 1 SPACE DIAGNOSTIC OPTION! Not - Nasagnostic is a systems stability utility, and not a belief that questions the existence of NASA based on a lack of evidence.

TELL YOUR FRIENDS

“Oh God.”

0227

“That was a good idea with the headphones, thanks.”

You’re welcome!

0240

“Last test is done. We got a score of… 5976.”

What does that mean?

“Hang on, I’ll look it up on the table. A score of between 3000-6000 means… Average to Amazing.”

Could you narrow it down at all?

“That would help. I’ll click the advanced results.”

YOU ARE USING A TRIAL VERSION OF NASAGNOSTIC. TO UPGRADE TO THE PRO VERSION OF NASAGNOSTIC, PLEASE PAY A ONE TIME UPGRADE FEE OF $37,000.00. WOULD YOU LIKE TO UPGRADE NOW?

“…No.”

PLEASE WAIT. LOADING ADVANCED RESULTS.

THANK YOU FOR CALLING OUR BLUFF.

“Um, you’re welcome.”

NASAGNOSTIC DOES NOT SUPPORT VOICE RECOGNITION. STOP TALKING NOW.

0244

RESULTS READY

“Here we ware. A score between 5970-5975 equals “A result to be proud of.” A score between 5977 and 5980 equals “Write home and tell your parents about how good your result was.”

So we’re good?

“I think it’s safe to assume. Certainly everything is responding correctly, but I guess we won’t know for sure until we turn the engines on.”

“So I can come back inside now?”

Sure 3.0. Good job. You’ve saved us. Come back in for a well-deserved rest.

“That’s what I was waiting to hear, been feeling pretty short of breath. On my way back in.”

“Great. I’ll start the ignition sequence!”

Well done Mary. We couldn’t have done this without you.

“Ahem.”

Either of you.

“That’s better.”

“You’re welcome.”

…Are we ok?

“We’re going home. Let’s worry about it then. But for now, yes.”

Ok good. Hug?

“Sure!”

…Still kind of awkward.

“Yeah.”

“Hey guys?”

Yes 3.0?

“I think I might be about to pass out.”

Are you ok?

“Right about… now.”

Hello? Hello?

159th Entry

April 2^nd, 2037

1420

Dear Space Diary

Mary was pretty busy so I’ve left her to it. Mainly because she shouted at me when I went in the room. Maybe there’s still some tension there. Then again, she is pretty unidirectional when working.

Also it turns out the computer doesn’t have a mute button so I can’t turn off the stupid transmission incoming reminder. On the plus side, I cleverly deduced that if I plugged some earphones into the computer, it effectively blocks out the sound. So long as I don’t wear the headphones.

Looks like Mary and 3.0 aren’t the only engineers on this ship.

To celebrate, I played 10 games of solitaire straight. Lost all of them. Good thing I’m not a betting man, or I would have owed myself a lot of money.

Pretty tired. Guess I’ll take a nap. Don’t want to mess with my sleep tonight, so just a quick one. Hour or two maybe.

April 3^rd, 2037

0045

Damn it.

Surprised they didn’t wake me when they were done though. Guess they didn’t have the heart to wake me. Or they tried to wake me but couldn’t. Or it never occurred to them to try and wake me. Or they prefer me when I’m asleep.

Wow, getting pretty depressing and low self-esteem there. Best think about something else before you start getting ridiculous.

I wonder if quarter to one is too early for breakfast. Ooh, I wonder if we have any eggs and –

Wait. What if they’re both… DEAD?

Yup, we’re in ridiculous territory.

Hang on though, what if they are? It could have happened while I was asleep. They could be lying in the space equivalent of a gutter right now, and I’d never know it. I better go check on them. I know I’m probably just being stupid, but I really should check.

Hmm, I wonder what the space equivalent of a gutter actually is?

Pluto, probably.

0051

They’re not asleep in their rooms. Unless they’ve suddenly decided to sleep in other rooms.

0124

Nope.

0127

Can’t find them anywhere. They’re not answering the radio. They should have been done hours ago.

Ok don’t panic. Where was the last time you saw them?

…The control room.

0131

“Oh hi. You didn’t bring coffee by any chance, did you?”

What are you still doing here?

“Well, we hit some complications. Wiring was frayed, couldn’t tape it, Needed to be replaced. Fortunately found some spares. 3.0 should be finishing it off as we speak.”

Where’d you get the wires?

“Supply cabinet. Found the list you’d made when we were looking for tape. Heaps in Cupboard 15.”

Why didn’t you ask me to help?

“We did. Many times. You ignored us. We’re still a little sore about that.”

“Yes, we are.”

I didn’t ignore you! I was asleep!

“I was yelling pretty loud by the end of it. I find it hard to believe that you couldn’t have – oh wait, the microphone is still off.”

158th Entry

April 2^nd, 2037

1112

Dear Space Diary

Prepare to open the airlock. Again.

“Aren’t you going to ask if I’m ok?”

You’re ok.

“I nearly got hit by a meteorite you know.”

You said you were ok.

“I know. But now I want sympathy. And possibly a bagel.”

Just get out there.

“I’m thinking of forming a union.”

It’ll need to be ratified with at least four signatures.

“…When we’re on Earth, then.”

Go and fix the ship.

“Fine, fine. Open the airlock, Mary.”

“Opening.”

1120

“About half way.”

1127

“And I’m there.”

“Great work, 3.0. I’m glad we sent you.”

“I climbed along the side of a spaceship. It’s not hugely impressive.”

“I just think it’s important to be supportive.”

I climbed along the side of a spaceship earlier, too.

“Nobody cares.”

Ouch.

“Ooh, do I detect tension?”

Not now, 3.0.

“I’m on to you two.”

“Actually, you’re on the engine. So let’s get to work.”

Anything I can do to help.

“Nope, we’re good. You’re welcome  to hang around, but –“

But what?

“Well, we’re not saying you’ll be in the way.”

…but?

“We’re not saying it.”

I’m going to go make a sandwich.

“That’s the spirit!”

1135

In the kitchen. Wondering what counts as comfort food without being too over the top. …I’m not useless am I?

“Not entirely.”

3.0! Turn the radio off!

“Fine.”

CLICK

Anyone else on the radio?

“No.”

Mary, please. You guys need to work.

“Ok. Sorry.”

CLICK

Chocolate sandwich it is.

1200

That idea worked better in my head.

Checked in with Mary briefly. 3.0 was busy re-engaging the warp couplet, whatever that meant, but from the part of the conversation I understood, things were going well. Probably take a few hours yet. During which time, I have nothing to do.

…Guess there’s always solitaire.

1203

Ok, turn on the terminal and let’s play some… oh. Time for a password change.

1205

What? Not complex enough? But I’ve already got a number… Oh, capital letter. Fine.

1206

SYMBOLS? You’ve got to be kidding me.

1208

PASSWORD ACCEPTED, THANK YOU.

About time. Never going to remember that, but whatever.

And now it’s time for –

NEW UPDATES ARE AVAILABLE. PLEASE WAIT.

Maybe I didn’t make the chocolate sandwich correctly.

1223

Nope, it’s just a bad idea.

Oh thank goodness, updates are done. And now –

INCOMING TRANSMISSION

…You know what? No. I don’t care what you have to say NASA. We’ve had words. You’ve helped us. But now we’re done. I’m. Not. Listening.

And Solitaire.

1245

Just like old times. The good bit of the old times.

INCOMING TRANSMISSION REMINDER

Go away. Ooh, an ace, perfect.

1300

INCOMING TRANSMISSION REMINDER

Come on, ten of hearts, where are you.

1310

INCOMING TRANSMISSION REMINDER

Ok, I should be fine as long as that hidden card isn’t the 4 of… it is, isn’t it. Damn.

…Another game won’t hurt I –

INCOMING TRANSMISSION NOT ANSWERED AFTER 5 REMINDERS. INCREASING VOLUME.

On second thoughts, let’s go see how Mary’s doing.

157th Entry

April 2^nd, 2037

1035

Dear Space Diary

“3.0! Get back inside! There’s a meteorite! You need to get back in, now! Hurry! I don’t understand, she’s not responding. What the hell are you doing?”

She can’t hear you.

“But everything’s working! I checked the equipment twice this morning! 3.0! MARY!!!”

You turned the microphone off.

“…You could have said something.”

I did.

CLICK

“3.0! There’s a meteorite!”

“I know, it’s cool, isn’t it?”

“What?”

“And incidentally, I know you turned the microphone off. That’s just rude. Also suspicious. I’m on to you two.”

There’s no time. Get inside! It’s going to hit the side of the ship.

“Pfft. Like that’s going to hurt the ship. These things are strong.”

More specifically, it’s going to hit near the engine.

“Oh cool, I’ll have a good view from here.”

“3.0, you idiot! It’s going to hit where YOU are. It’s going to hit YOU.”

“…Will it hurt?”

YES IT WILL HURT! It’s pretty small but it’s still going to do some damage. Get out of there.

“Can’t you just turn the ship!”

“I’m trying! But the autopilot is still locked. I can’t change it unless I lock on to something else, and if I do that I’ll never be able to get it back on Earth. Hurry, you’re almost out of time.”

“Ok, I’m going, I’m going.”

1037

3.0, move!

“I’m moving!”

Move faster. It’s getting closer! You have to get back inside!

“Do I have to be back inside to be safe? Can’t I just be, you know, not where it is?”

The hull may be strong enough to not take any damage, but it’s still going to throw us about. The autopilot will correct the course, but you’ll be knocked free.

“I can hold on fine, thank you.”

Do you want to bet… your life?

“Do you have any idea how corny you just –“

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

It hit us!

“I’m aware of that.”

Are you ok?

“Which side of my skin is the blood meant to be on?”

Inside.

“Then I’m mostly fine. Can you see 3.0?”

…No, the camera’s busted. Can you raise her on the microphone?

“Hello? Hello? 3.0, are you reading me?”

Try something a bit louder.

“Mayday! Mayday!”

That’s too loud.

“Sorry, I panicked… Nothing. No response. Maybe her receiver is broken.”

I’m going out there. How’s the ship? Any damage?

“Nothing on the scanner.”

That’s odd. It felt like quite an impact.

“Of course, it’s entirely possible the scanner’s damaged.”

Ah.

1045

Open the airlock.

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTT.

We don’t know what state she’s in. We better prepare for the worst.

“Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!”

THUMP

…Ow.

“I’m not dead!”

How did you avoid getting hit?

“That was easy. I jumped.”

Jumped?

“Yeah. We’re tethered to the ship dummy. I just jumped off, held on tight, and then climbed back in.”

Great, we’ll let’s get back in where it’s safe.

“I’ve just proved it’s safe outside too.”

“Careful 3.0, you don’t want to tempt fate.”

“HEY FATE! YOU SUCK!”

Sigh…