228th Entry

June 10^th, 2037

1503

Dear Earth Diary

“Oh very well. If it means you’ll stop messing around. He should have been dead 20 minutes ago.”

I’m sorry to disappoint.

“Ok. You’re standing there, your feet aren’t cold, I have more bullets than you could ever eat. Happy now?”

“Are you still going to shoot us?”

“Well yes.”

“Then not particularly.”

“Oh. Well good. I hate it when people are happy about being shot. Takes all the fun out of it.”

Well I wouldn’t know.

“Ah yes, but I would.”

I’m not sure that you do.

“What do you mean?”

You… haven’t actually shot anyone before. Have you?

“What? Of course I have. I’m a heartless cold-hearted killing machine.”

How can you be both heartless and cold-hearted?

“Er, it’s just an expression…”

You’re not very good at this. See you’re trying to sound tough, but if you were good, like, really experienced, we’d already be dead. There’d be no talking, no having to go get more bullets, no long explanations about your plans. There wouldn’t have been a trial. You’d just have shot us the moment we landed.

“No, no, I couldn’t. There’s laws. You needed to have a trial.”

There’s nothing about this that falls in the law. You sent an illegal clone project off world, but you’re worried about due process? And nobody executes anyone these days.

“Shut up! You’re just stalling.”

Actually, I’m pretty sure you are. You’re scared. You don’t actually know how to shoot us. Or really want to.

“I do! You’ve destroyed my clone factory. You’ve shipped off my clones god knows where. And you’ve delayed the collection of my existing property by years. But if I get rid of you both, there’s nothing to stop me.”

Speaking of, Mary, this would be a wonderful time for your plan.

“Hmm. It should have been here by now.”

“Wait, what plan?”

What should have been here by now?

“What are you both talking about? Stop ignoring me!!”

“Maybe my calculations were off…”

Mary, what should have been by –

CRASH

“…that.”

THUMP

Mary? MARY??

1510

MARY!!!!

1512

MAAAAAAARRRRRRRYYYYYY

“Please stop that.”

You’re ok!!

“Well my ears hurt.”

Oh. Sorry.

“Also that appears to be, um… a lot of blood.”

That’s… that’s not, er, all yours. Most of it belongs to…

“Ah. Him over there?”

Yes. And over there.

And there.

And some in the corner by –

“Yes.”

Yes.

…Ew.

“Quite. Still, I’m glad it got here eventually.”

What did?

“Don’t you recognise it?”

…My pod? But… how?

“My fault. Sorry.”

I don’t understand. We sent it into deep space. We launched it so they could never find Splat.

“Yes. But when we did, I maaaaay have forgotten the autopilot. NASA couldn’t fly it. We couldn’t fly it. So went to the last recorded location.  Which was… where it launched.”

…Oh.

“But more importantly, you said some of this blood is mine?”

I think so.

“Ok. I’m going to lose consciousness now if you don’t mind –“

…Mary?

227th Entry

June 10^th, 2037

1459

Dear Earth Diary

“You what?”

“You said I was going to eat a bullet.”

“It was poetry!”

Doesn’t poetry usually rhyme.

“Shut up you, you’re on borrowed time. And you, spit it back out, now!”

“I can’t. I swallowed it.”

“Argh! I needed that!”

“If it makes you feel better it was quite painful.”

“It wasn’t meant to be painful, it was meant to kill you! Any pain is just a bonus.”

“Well there you are, then.”

“I… Oh forget it. Wait here while I go get more bullets. I’m bringing spares this time. And you better not eat them!”

But you’ve put in your diary that she –

“Please. Stop.”

WHIRRRRRRRRR. CLUNK.

That was very good thinking, Mary.

“You say that now. I’m pretty sure I’m going to regret it in 8 hours.”

Either way, thank you. Again. You seem to save my life a lot.

“Well to be honest I was mainly saving my life. Any extra lives I save are just a bonus.”

Well there you are, then.

“Quite. What time is it?”

Um… 3:01.

“Excellent. Excellent. Any minute now, then.”

What the hell have you done?

“It’s not so much what I’ve done, as what I forgot to do, a very long time ago. So you know, oops. But it’s all worked out beautifully. I must forget things more often.”

I don’t understand.

“I know you don’t. In truth there’s an awful lot you don’t understand. But… that’s ok. It’s ok not to understand everything. You still did what you thought was right. You still helped save me. 300 times, give or take.”

Truthfully, most of the time, I just wanted to go home. I was just looking out for myself.

“Who says looking out for yourself isn’t the right thing to do? There’s no guarantees anyone else will.”

I guess so.

“When this is over I promise to explain it to you properly, In great detail. Using small, easy to understand words.”

I’d appreciate that.

“Assuming we survive of course. Fun fact, did you know where we are right now is almost exactly below the launch pad you originally left from?”

I did not.

“I figured it out when I was looking at the blueprints for this place.”

Well there you go.

“Gives your journey a pleasing full circle feel doesn’t it.”

That implies my journey ends here.

“Well if the man standing behind you holding the gun has anything to do with it, it probably does.”

Oh. You’re back.

“And with a bag full of bullets.”

Sounds awfully inefficient.

“Well that’s what rage does for you. And now, at last, I say goodbye to you both.”

“Can I have a last request?”

“To not shoot you?”

“Oh that’s good, can we go for that?”

“No.”

“Drat. Well in that case, can you shoot us over here?”

What?

“Why over there?”

“Last vestige of control over our lives? Plus there’s a carpet over there.”

Why would that matter?

“My feet are cold.”

226th Entry

June 10^th, 2037

1445

Dear Earth Diary

But the part I don’t understand is…

“Shut up.”

But…

“Time’s up, I’m afraid. It’s execution time.”

There’s no hurry.

“Time is money. In fact technically speaking you should have died about 20 seconds ago, so we’re still late. I haven’t even activated the death ray yet!”

You have a death ray?

“Well it’s technically more of a mechanical device that fires a metal projectile at extremely high speed than a ray.”

Oh.

“The death part is very accurate though. I do apologise for any confusion.”

I’m sure I can forgive you. It’ll take some time though. At least 20 minutes.

“You don’t have 20 minutes. You don’t even have 2.”

“Kill me. Kill me first!”

Mary…

“Kill me first.”

“Well this is most irregular. I don’t have your death in the schedule until this evening. And I couldn’t be messing with the schedule.”

I don’t believe this.

“No, no. It’s right here. Look. 2:45pm: you die, and then over the page… ah here. “Mary eats a bullet.”

Lovely.

“That’s poetry, you understand.”

It’s something, anyway.

“Wait, do I mean metaphor?”

I think this is something we need to discuss at great length. Maybe over dinner?

“I’m sorry, but you’ll never eat again.”

What about Mary and her bullet?

“The bullet’s a simile.”

Metaphor.

“Sorry. The bullet’s like a simile.”

You don’t have to do this.

“Yes I do. It’s in the schedule.”

You don’t need to be bound by rules and regulations! Live free. Be true to yourself! You can do anything you want to do.

“But.. I wrote the schedule.”

Oh.

“I’m sorry but we’ve really wasted enough time. I’m meant to be laughing over your dead body right now until 3:15.”

“You scheduled 30 minutes of corpse laughing time?”

“I like laughing. And you’re using up my laughing time.”

“I want to see the bullet.”

What?

“What?”

“I want to see the bullet I’m going to eat.”

“But I don’t have it here. I only brought the one for him.”

“Is it the same type of bullet? Then let me see that.”

Mary, what are you doing?

“I want so see what’s going to kill me. Or a close approximation to it anyway. Close enough.”

“Oh very well I guess so. Here.”

Why do you only have one bullet?

“It’s a very big bullet. And it’d be inefficient to carry around more than I need. I don’t go around shooting people every day, you know.”

Good to hear.

“Three to four a week, tops.”

Ah.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some important laughing scheduled and you’re really spoiling my mood. Face it. You’ve lost. There is nothing you can say, nothing either of you can do to prevent your deaths. Nothing is going to fall out of the sky to save you. Say it. Say you’ve lost.”

You’ve lost.

“Oh very droll. Sigh. Enough of this. Mary give me the bullet.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I ate it.”

225th Entry

June 10^th, 2037

1400

Dear Earth Diary

“Money.”

…What?

“You asked why we did it.”

Money? You sent Mary and I into deep space, built an entire city, and hundreds of clones… for money?

“…Well yes. Why else would you do that?”

You’re not trying to secretly take over the world?

“Oh maybe. To be honest I haven’t really thought that far ahead. You’d probably need money to do that though, so hey, we’re in a good place for that.”

Oh.

“To be fair, deep space wasn’t exactly the original goal. It was simple enough. Send an unwitting test subject to Mars, the closest other planet we have, to do some cloning research that would never be legal on Earth, wait a while, go get them, bring them back, and sell them! Foolproof!”

So, what happened?

“We missed.”

By a lot.

“Well, technically speaking we also saved the earth from a fatal collision with an asteroid so you know, not all bad. Anyway, that was that, we thought it was all over when suddenly twenty years later, boom! Automated distress signal. It was too far away for us to properly see but best case, it landed safely, enough of the test subject –

“Hello.”

“Hi there! - Enough of her was left that some usable DNA could be sampled, and the, this is cute, “light dogs” you called them I think, I think I might steal that, the “light dogs” were hopefully in one piece, and we could get our clones after all!

I don’t know if I could be more disgusted right now.

“Worst case, we get the Zubrin back, wash the blood off it, and try again!”

Oh. There we go.

“Anyway, you know the rest. Because you were there. And here, sorry, here’s where I start to get a little angry. Because despite everything I just said, I don’t have my clones. Which means I can’t sell them to anybody.”

Who would want to buy a clone?

“Lots of people. I’ll confess I don’t have a comprehensive list in front of me, but marketing tell me they’re very optimistic. But turns out I’ve been paying them for nothing, thanks to you.”

So… we won?

“Haha. You’re funny. Which side of the bars are you on?”

The losing side?

“The losing side. Because despite the setback, I still have a very good spaceship. It’s even better than the ones I lost. And there’s a couple of hundred free range clones just waiting to be picked up as soon as we want.”

“You won’t find them. We made sure of that.”

“Oh you did a very good job and I’m so awfully proud of you. But if you haven’t noticed, I own a space agency, which is specifically designed to find very far away things and then put other things on them. Don’t you worry, we’ll find them again eventually.”

Why would you spend so much money buying NASA?

“To make more money.”

Why?

“…Sorry I don’t understand the question.”