228th Entry

June 10^th, 2037

1503

Dear Earth Diary

“Oh very well. If it means you’ll stop messing around. He should have been dead 20 minutes ago.”

I’m sorry to disappoint.

“Ok. You’re standing there, your feet aren’t cold, I have more bullets than you could ever eat. Happy now?”

“Are you still going to shoot us?”

“Well yes.”

“Then not particularly.”

“Oh. Well good. I hate it when people are happy about being shot. Takes all the fun out of it.”

Well I wouldn’t know.

“Ah yes, but I would.”

I’m not sure that you do.

“What do you mean?”

You… haven’t actually shot anyone before. Have you?

“What? Of course I have. I’m a heartless cold-hearted killing machine.”

How can you be both heartless and cold-hearted?

“Er, it’s just an expression…”

You’re not very good at this. See you’re trying to sound tough, but if you were good, like, really experienced, we’d already be dead. There’d be no talking, no having to go get more bullets, no long explanations about your plans. There wouldn’t have been a trial. You’d just have shot us the moment we landed.

“No, no, I couldn’t. There’s laws. You needed to have a trial.”

There’s nothing about this that falls in the law. You sent an illegal clone project off world, but you’re worried about due process? And nobody executes anyone these days.

“Shut up! You’re just stalling.”

Actually, I’m pretty sure you are. You’re scared. You don’t actually know how to shoot us. Or really want to.

“I do! You’ve destroyed my clone factory. You’ve shipped off my clones god knows where. And you’ve delayed the collection of my existing property by years. But if I get rid of you both, there’s nothing to stop me.”

Speaking of, Mary, this would be a wonderful time for your plan.

“Hmm. It should have been here by now.”

“Wait, what plan?”

What should have been here by now?

“What are you both talking about? Stop ignoring me!!”

“Maybe my calculations were off…”

Mary, what should have been by –

CRASH

“…that.”

THUMP

Mary? MARY??

1510

MARY!!!!

1512

MAAAAAAARRRRRRRYYYYYY

“Please stop that.”

You’re ok!!

“Well my ears hurt.”

Oh. Sorry.

“Also that appears to be, um… a lot of blood.”

That’s… that’s not, er, all yours. Most of it belongs to…

“Ah. Him over there?”

Yes. And over there.

And there.

And some in the corner by –

“Yes.”

Yes.

…Ew.

“Quite. Still, I’m glad it got here eventually.”

What did?

“Don’t you recognise it?”

…My pod? But… how?

“My fault. Sorry.”

I don’t understand. We sent it into deep space. We launched it so they could never find Splat.

“Yes. But when we did, I maaaaay have forgotten the autopilot. NASA couldn’t fly it. We couldn’t fly it. So went to the last recorded location.  Which was… where it launched.”

…Oh.

“But more importantly, you said some of this blood is mine?”

I think so.

“Ok. I’m going to lose consciousness now if you don’t mind –“

…Mary?