166th Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0515

Dear Space Diary

“So, what’s it say?”

I’m not too sure, to be honest. It’s 27 pages long, which would fall into the category of ‘Complex.’ It’s got instructions, but it’s a veritable laundry list, and a long one at that. I’m a bit confused.

“Give it here. I’ll work it out.”

Sure.

“Hospital gown, socks, hair net… This is an actual laundry list.”

Yup.

“I’m also confused… wait, I’ve got it. This is a list of clothing she’ll need while she’s in hospital.”

That’s pretty comprehensive. Did it tell us to provide a packed lunch as well?

“Two apples and a cheese sandwich.”

And if they don’t like cheese?

“Um… two apples. But who in their right mind wouldn’t like cheese?”

What if you were lactose intolerant?

“I’d still eat cheese.”

Then I’m very glad you’re not lactose intolerant. Ok, clothing and lunch. What else?

“Er… nothing. Just plug her in to the machine and leave her there.”

For how long?

“Until we’re back to Earth and we can transfer her to a medical team.”

That sounds awfully like it doesn’t know what’s wrong with her.

“Yeah. But apparently it’s… DTF syndrome.”

Classy. But hang on, if all it says is “give her clothes and food and leave her alone”, why is it 27 pages long?

“I don’t know… this is weird. It just repeats the information over and over. Hundreds of time. Clothes, lunch, and plug her in.”

…Did you say hundreds?

“Yeah. Hundreds.”

And exactly the same each time?

“Yeah. Just her details, and then “Clone #1, Clone #2, Clone #3… oh.”

This isn’t instructions for 3.0. This is instructions for ALL of the clones. It’s almost like –

“…they knew this was going to happen.”

They knew the engines would fail?

“No that was just general incompetence I think. But… what if they knew she was going to become unconscious?”

…Computer!

YES, SIR?

“I didn’t know we had voice control.”

Neither did I. Whoops. Er, Computer! Define DTF Syndrome.

THAT INFORMATION IS CLASSIFIED

Oh. Um, Computer! Declassify.

“I don’t think it works that way.”

ALL INFORMATION DECLASSIFIED

“Oh.”

Computer, define DTF.

PLEASE WAIT… SEARCHING.

DEFINTION FOR DTF: DUPLICATE TISSUE FAILURE.

YOU MAY ALSO HAVE MEANT DOUBLE TOMATO & FILLET. IF THIS IS CORRECT, PLEASE SAY YES.

No.

“Oh, no. 3.0.”

I don’t get it.

“Duplicate Tissue Failure. The duplicate tissue! It’s failing!”

Again, not getting it.

“3.0 is duplicate tissue!”

…Ah.

“They knew this was going to happen! They knew they were going to fail! That’s why they sent this ship! Because they knew the clones would eventually break down! They’re meant to be plugged in and held in stasis until they get back!”

Well, it’s a good thing we got the clones off the ship then!

“Exactly! We wouldn’t then falling into comas and being plugged into… medical…”

Have we done something very stupid?

“Yes.”

CONFIRMED

“What?”

THE DOUBLE TOMATO AND FILLET IS A POPULAR BURGER, FREQUENTLY ACCOMPANIED BY A SIDE  -

165th Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0400

Dear Space Diary

This is your plan?

“Yes. Now please be quiet, I’m trying to concentrate.”

To read every medical book in the library.

“Shut up! Read harder!”

0415

“Anything?”

Steam is effective in clearing the sinuses. Or in other words, no. You must admit that trying to find the remedy for a condition – when we don’t actually know what it is – from a list of every condition ever is going to be a less than a cakewalk.

“Yeah agreed. But it’s in here, and we’ll find it.”

Surely there’s a faster way?

“None I can think of. This is how I work. Find book. Read book. Fix stuff.”

Well we better keep reading then.

“Agreed.”

I really want cake now.

“Me too.”

0430

“Nothing. This is hopeless. It could take us a lifetime to find what we’re after. And I’ve done that before. There’s no way we can find it.”

Actually I’ve just had an idea.

“Show off. What is it?”

This ship is fully automated. NASA pretty much didn’t expect the clones would have to – or know how to – operate any of the facilities.

“Correct.”

In other words, everything should work by itself.

“Correct.”

So presumably the med-bay does as well.

“Corr… ah ha.”

Precisely.

“Ok, I’ll go check out the med-bay. You keep reading in case we find something.”

Great plan. Just one small alteration to make. I’ll see you in a bit. Have fun reading.

“Not a chance.”

0443

“Paper beats rock, really?”

Yes. How do you not know this?

“Blast. So that makes… 2 each.”

We probably shouldn’t have been playing for an odd number.

“Should we do another 4?”

Oh let’s just both go.

0446

“This is amazing! A fully automatic medical clinic. “

Mm, I’m not convinced.

“But think! It could perform vital heart surgery, even if there wasn’t a doctor around!”

And if there was a power surge while it was performing that vital heart surgery?

“…ouch.”

Yup. But it should be perfect for our purposes. Plug her in.

“Do we have to actually plug her in to something?”

I hope not.

0448

Is there a manual anywhere?

“Not that can I see. But I’d suggest pressing that button.”

Which one?

“The one that says ON in large letters.”

Good as place as any.

“No, not really.”

BEEP

SCANNING. SCANNING. SCANNING.

Well, at least it doesn’t have NASA’s usual infomercial.

WELCOME TO HEAL-U-GOOD

“You had to open your mouth.”

0512

I brought you coffee.

“Thanks.”

Anything?

“Nope. Just scanning for viruses.”

Sounds like she’s a computer.

“That’s pretty much what it’s doing. Scans for errors and fixes. Upgrades immune system.”

Wow. Maybe I should plug myself in next.

“Removes spyware…”

What?

“Defragments cells…”

Er…

“Backs up the brain.”

Ok, now I know you’re messing with me.

“Yeah ok, I was.”

Thought so.

“I made most of it up yes. Apart from the virus bit.”

Couldn’t fool me.

“And the brain back up bit.”

…Really?

“Fooled you.”

SCAN COMPLETE

164th Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0316

Dear Space Diary

Ok, ok. I’m sorry for teasing. Please don’t kill me.

“Hmph. Fine.”

I’m at the leak. Commencing repairs.

“It’s duct tape, you’re not an engineer.”

Ok, you know what I could use now? A few less insults.

“…You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just worried she’s not ok. I’ll be ok once she’s back inside. I know you’re doing what you can.”

You’re very attached to her.

“Well, she’s kind of me. And I’m really egotistical.”

So I’ve noticed.

“Hey –“

Let’s finish this when she’s inside.

0317

Hmm. Ok, slight issue.

“What?”

Whenever I try to plug the leak, the tape blows away.

“The oxygen flow through the leak too strong?”

That’d be it.

“Would you like me to turn it down?”

If you wouldn’t mind.

“Certainly.”

You’re too kind.

0319

Ok, that’s taped up good and proper.  Can I have my oxygen back now?

“Well done! Yes, of course. I’ll just turn her oxygen back on… And done! She can breathe!”

We’ve saved her!

“Providing it hasn’t been too long without oxygen for her. We need to get her back inside to check.”

…We hope we’ve saved her.

0333

I’m in. Close the airlock.

“Closed. Get her to med-bay.”

I didn’t know we had a med-bay.

“We do. Get her there.”

A med-bay. Fascinating.

“If you say so.”

0334

Mary?

“Yes?”

Where’s the med-bay?

0337

“Put her over there.”

She’s heavier than you look.

“Careful now.”

Don’t worry, I won’t drop her.

“Wasn’t even talking about that, but good. Set her down.”

…She ok?

“Hmm. There’s a pulse. Not a good one. But it’s there.”

So what do we do now? Wake her up?

“…I don’t actually know.”

You don’t?

“There weren’t a lot of medical books on the Zubrin. I don’t think NASA thought I was going to need a whole lot of medical care outside of my tank.”

You don’t know what to do from here?

“No. Apart from, start the engines.”

What?

“Well, we still need to get home. The engine’s fixed. We may as well turn it on.”

But what about 3.0?

“…Maybe someone at home will know.”

But that’s a month from now! We need to do something soon. If she doesn’t wake up… What can we do? Come on. You know everything. What do we do?

“Stop saying that! I don’t know anything. Anything at all.”

That’s ridiculous! Who rebuilt the cloning facility?

“…Me.”

Who invented a new condensed form of fuel?

“Me.”

Who successfully crossed humanity with fruit in strange and mostly disturbing ways?

“Still me.”

And who won’t rest until she’s figured out a way to save 3.0?

“You?”

Well, yes, but also you. I’m… not the smartest. I need your help.

“You’re right. Yes. I can do this. WE can do this. This is a time for action!”

Right! Let’s act! 3.0 is counting on us!

“You’re right! Come with me! There’s no time to waste!”

Where are we going?

“TO THE LIBRARY!”

163rd Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0308

Dear Space Diary

“How she doing?”

Well she appears to be breathing. That’s a good thing, right?

“Yes, breathing is a good thing.”

How long have I got before I pass out?

“Hard to say. 3.0 had hours, but I can’t say how long you’ve got.”

…Hard. To say.

“There’s a lot of factors. Weight, lung capacity, heart strength. I’m smart but I’m not that smart.

I thought you were. You always seem to know everything.

“That’s sweet, but no. So tell you what, stop wasting your oxygen flirting with me and go save 3.0.”

I wasn’t flirting.

“Just shut up and go.”

Going.

“I’ve boosted the oxygen flow to 3.0’s tube. Given you’ve blocked the other end, this should hopefully make it much easier to see.”

0314

Ok, I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.

“I hate that combination. What is it?”

Good news is I can see the leak. Also 3.0 had plenty of duct tape left, so I can use that to plug the leak good enough to get her back inside.

“Fantastic! Oh I’m so pleased. Wait. You said there was bad news. Is there bad news? What’s the bad news?”

Well, I can’t reach it.

“What do you mean?”

I’m currently cabled up to 3.0. Which is a short cable. And the oxygen tube is a very long cable. So we’re here. And the leak is waaaaaaay over there. So I’m stuck.

“No you’re not.”

Eh?

“It’s simple a matter of thinking it out. You are tethered to the door of the ship by the oxygen tube.”

So?

“Sigh. So, you infuriatingly stupid person, simply pull your way along the tube. It’s zero gravity. 3.0 will come with you.”

…That actually does seem kind of obvious now you mention it.

“Depressingly so.”

But hang on, I don’t want to put too much strain on 3.0’s tube. It could tear it further. Then we’d be completely screwed.

“You have an oxygen tube too, you know.”

…You don’t have to make me sound stupid.

“You’re right. I don’t.”

0315

“How goes the abseiling?”

I’m going up, not down. Well, technically sideways. So it’d be rock climbing, not abseiling.

“Oh of course, sorry.”

Who’s stupid NOW, huh?

“Still you. That person who’s life you’re trying to save. How’s that working out?”

We’re getting there. The leak is close. It looks a lot bigger from here.

“I’m pumping the oxygen through pretty hard. Thought you might have trouble seeing it.”

We’re not going to run out or anything are we?

“We’ve got a passenger list of about 100-200 less than they were expecting. And the ship has oxygen recyclers. So that’s a double no.”

Does that means that’s a yes?

“Me and you are going to have to disagree on the grammar.”

You and I.

“I could turn off your oxygen right now.”

But you won’t.

“Why not?”

Who else would help you with your grammar?

“That’s it, you’re dying. Nice knowing you.”

162nd Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0300

Dear Space Diary

I’m nearly there.

“How does she look?”

Fine, I think. Just floating away.

“That doesn’t sound fine.”

I’m attempting to stay upbeat. Give me a minute. Nearly there.

0302

Got her. She’s… she’s out cold.

TAP TAP TAP

“What are you doing?”

Trying to get a response.

TAP TAP TAP

Nothing. She’s out.  We’ve got to get her some air soon.

“I don’t really know why the levels are so low. Does the suit look ok?”

Nothing wrong that I can see. No cracks or tears, tube’s properly connected.

“Take a closer look, if there’s a tear somewhere we need to patch it. Otherwise we can’t get the oxygen levels back up.”

Can’t I just carry her inside.

“You can, and you should be doing that anyway, but that’s more time without oxygen. If there’s something wrong we need to fix it now.”

Ok, ok, I’m just… not that comfortable with examining a woman in close detail. Feels a little prying.

“You’re not sexually harassing her, you’re saving her life!”

And that’s going to stand up in court?

“Just do it. Besides she’s in a space suit. How much are you really going to see?”

Ok, ok, fine.

0304

Nope, suit is good.

“And?”

You have very nice legs.

“Atta boy.”

So if they suit is fine, then why is she losing oxygen?

“I really don’t know, if the tube’s connected as you say –“

What about the tube?

“Pardon?”

The tube. What if the tear is on the tube.

“…that’d do it. And nothing would register on the monitor for the suit itself!”

Only one problem. That tube is very, very long. And it’s going to pretty hard to spot the leak.

“If it’s leaking, you should be able to see the gas escaping. If the flow is strong it should be pretty easy to see.”

Was the flow strong?

“Not especially.”

Can you make it stronger?

“Well I can, but then if you patch it 3.0 will suddenly get a much larger dose of oxygen.”

That’s good, it sounds like she needs to catch up.

“…It doesn’t work that way.”

It doesn’t.

“Gases 101. Not enough oxygen: bad. Too much oxygen: also bad.”

We’re fussy creatures aren’t we?

“Yes. Speaking of fussy, have you found the leak yet?”

I’m looking, I’m looking.

0307

“Well?”

Nothing yet.

“She’s running out of time.”

Look, this isn’t working. She needs oxygen, now.

“Ok. Feel like doing something drastic?”

Sure, why not.

“On the back of your suit is a loop through oxygen cable.”

A what?

“Sigh… a big blue cable that says “oxygen loop through.”

Found it.

“Plug it into the oxygen pass… into the orange plug on the back of 3.0’s suit.”

Ok. Done.

“Now, switch off the main oxygen tube on her suit.”

What?

“I’m increasing the oxygen through your tube and splitting it between you. It’s not much but it’ll keep her going.”

Enough for both of us?

“No. So hurry.”

161st Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0245

Dear Space Diary

…Did she just pass out?

“I think she did.”

3.0? Why did you pass out?

“I’m not sure she’s entirely in the position to answer that.”

I was hoping it would provoke some kind of sarcastic response. Or indeed any kind of response.

“Can you see her on the camera?”

I can, but… she’s not moving. I can’t see her face. Can you check her vital signs from here, or anything?

“No, NASA are curiously non-invasive when it comes to space suits. No needles or anything.”

But plenty of tubes in uncomfortable places.

“Yes they’re quite keen on those. But I can see… Oh.”

What is it?

“Her oxygen. It’s low.”

She’s not getting air?

“No it’s there. Just very low. Much lower than it should be. If she’s been out there and been getting not quite enough oxygen, well it would take a while she would –“

Pass out?

“Yes. Which appears to have happened.”

And if she doesn’t get more oxygen soon, what happens?

“Well, on a scale of Bad to Worse: Heart Failure; Brain Damage; Coma; then Death.”

I’d like to avoid all of those.

“So we should probably stop talking?”

Yes.

“Hey, where are you going?”

To suit up. And get 3.0 back inside here, with all of our lovely oxygen.

“You’re not going to –“

To what?

“Um… Panic?”

What are you implying?

“When you think something bad might happen… you have a track record of panicking.”

I’m not sure I appreciate that comment.

“It’s true.”

Maybe so but I don’t appreciate it. Anyway, I don’t think something bad might happen, something bad IS happening. There’s a difference.

“So you’re not going to panic?”

Not planning to.

“Well… good. That’s good. Good.”

Yes it’s good. So, we should probably stop talking.

“Yes, let’s do that.”

0249

I don’t know if there’s a Guinness world record for ‘Space Suit Putting On’ but I think I’d be a contender.

“If there is, they probably have a better name than ‘Space Suit Putting On.’ And what happened to not talking? 3.0’s in danger!”

In order to go outside I need the airlock to be opened. Have you opened the airlock?

“…I’ll get right on that.”

Thank you.

“Ok, it’s opening.”

Great. Here I go.

0255

“How are you doing?”

Climbing as fast as I can. Guess I’m a bit out of practice. She’s still a fair way away.

“Still not moving?”

No. I’d better climb faster.

“Faster than as fast as you can?”

That’s not helping.

“Sorry. You know the whole you’re not panicking thing?”

Yeah?

“Well, I might be panicking a little.”

Deep breaths.

“Don’t talk about breaths! She could be dead.”

Hey. Mary. It’s ok. We’re going to save her.

“And if we don’t?”

Then it won’t be because we didn’t try.”

“Ok, that’s good.”

Good. Hang in there, Mary.

“You’re outside on the side of a spaceship. I’m inside on a comfy chair. You hang on.”

Will do.