197th Entry

May 9^th, 2037

1631

Dear Space Diary

…It’s EMPTY?

“What does that mean?”

It means the fuel gauge is empty.

“Yes, but WHY is the fuel gauge empty?”

Because there’s no fuel left.

“Why are you avoiding the question?”

Because I don’t like the answer.

“What do you mean?”

Because. The only reason the fuel gauge would be empty is if this was a one way trip. In other words, they never meant to come back. On this ship at least.

“What are you doing?”

Looking out the window. There. I thought so. There’s sealant all around the ship. NASA’s cooked up something heavy duty. This little Interceptor is plugged into the side of the ship. Permanently. Which means –

“…That the only way to Earth is on this ship. We can’t escape them.”

Precisely. And that means only one thing.

“What’s that?”

We’re going to have to kill them.

1633

…Ok, I was expecting objections by this point.

“Why? Sounds good to me.”

“I’ve never met them, but… sure, why not?”

I was just being dramatic.

“We can probably get some knives from the kitchen.”

No.

“You’re right. Too much mess. Well, if we can get them into the airlock without their suits.

NOBODY is killing ANYBODY. Ok?

“But –“

OK?

…

“Ok.”

“Ok.”

We’ll have to incapacitate them somehow. But we’re not murderers. Agreed?

“Agreed.”

“Agreed.”

“Agreed.”

“Agreed.”

Excellent. Wait. How many people just answered?

“Four.”

“Four.”

“Two.”

“Two.”

…How long have you two been standing there?

“A good ten minutes dude. Psych-out!”

“Attempted escape. And attempted murder too. More charges to be laid.”

This isn’t what it looks like!

“And this isn’t knockout gas.”

PSSSSSSHHHHHHH

Actually I’m pretty sure it… oooooooooooh.

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP

May 23^rd, 2037

0750

Dear Space Diary.

Uuuugh. Where am I?

“How do you plead?”

Um… I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question.

“How do you plead?”

Am I in court right now?

“You are in a holding cell. How do you plead?”

I plead give me a few more minutes to wake up.

“Failure to answer will result in an automatic guilty plea.”

Not guilty! Not guilty!

“A verdict of not guilty has been recorded.”

Now, what was it I didn’t do?

“The charges will be sent to your cell to review before your trial.”

Does my lawyer also get a copy?

“Does who?”

Ah.

“This concludes the video conference.”

FZZZT

CLICK

Well. That was one of the stranger ways to wake up.

Unless I’m still dreaming. Which seems quite likely, given how freaking ridiculous that conversation was.

FZZZT

Great, more trial by television.

Hang on, it’s coming from over here.

0753

It’s a printer. It’s printing my charges.

Page 1 of… that number must be a typo.

0823

Or not. Still printing.

0845

CLICK

Well, that’s a lot of charges.

On the plus side, there’s no bedding in here, so I guess I should be grateful for small mercies.

One thing is certain though. I’m not in space anymore.

Dear Earth Diary.

196th Entry

May 9^th, 2037

1612

Dear Space Diary

“Thank goodness, they didn’t hear the colossal thump of you hitting the floor.”

Not colossal, surely?

“Earth shattering?”

No.

“Pachedermal.”

I’m done talking to you.

1620

Just successfully hacked my way into NASA’s Interceptor, by virtue of the fact that it wasn’t locked. I suppose they weren't really expecting to run into any thieves.

Wow, it’s tiny in here. They really weren't into wasting room. There’s a control panel, two chairs, and a door. There’s not even any beds.

Then again, it’s not a long flight from ground to orbit these days. Just further proof that this spaceship was built with the express purpose of taking us down.

I guess the rest of the ship must just be the engine. It’s even small than my pod was.

And yet still with more leg room.

Thanks, NASA.

1623

Guys, it’s clear. Come on in.

“Wow, it’s tiny in here. Are we all going to fit?”

It’ll be a squeeze, but we’ll manage it. It’s not a long flight to Earth.

“Wow. I’m gonna see Earth!”

You saw Earth this morning.

“Not the same as actually being on it.”

You won’t be able to see the woods for the trees.

“I don’t care.”

“Actually, it’s probably safer if we don’t land in the woods. You might want to aim for water or something.”

It’s a phrase… Wait, me?

“I’ve never flown a spaceship before.”

Neither have I!

“I haven’t either! Isn’t this exciting?”

More like terrifying.

“We’ll work it out. Come on, let’s go.”

What, now?

“Unless you want those two to come back.”

But, don’t we need to pack?

“It’s a short flight, you said. And soon we’ll be on Earth, where we’ll have everything we could ever need.”

Yeah, but…

“Although it might be an idea to pack some nutritional bricks just in case.”

No time. Let’s go.

“Where’s the door switch?”

There isn’t one. You pull it shut.

“Wow! That’s pretty high-tech.”

…We see the world quite differently.

PSSHHHHHHHHHHHT

“Ok, it’s locked. 3.0, you sit there. I don’t mind standing. I can strap myself into the emergency harness.”

“These are quite comfy.”

Much comfier than in my pod.

“Maybe it’s time to let that one go.”

Has anyone seen the ignition button?

“Here it is.”

CLICK

…

Funny, take offs are usually noisier than this.

“We haven’t moved.”

Did you get the dials working?

“No I looked at the window, at the inside of the other spaceship.”

“Hang on a second, if we go, we’re going to kill those two!”

They’ve got spacesuits. Those things can keep them alive for weeks before they run out. And if they seal off some of the ship, they won’t even have to use them until NASA come to their rescue.

“If NASA come to their rescue.”

Not our concern. That looks like a manual over there, pass it over.

“Here.”

Ok… Has anyone seen a pre-flight –?

“Um.”

What?

“Has anyone seen the fuel gauge?”

195th Entry

May 9^th, 2037

1600

Dear Space Diary

It’s time.

“Are you ready?”

I was born ready.

“Actually –“

I was having a moment.

“Sorry. Continue.”

…That was the moment.

“Moving.”

Are you ready?

“I’m as ready as a thing that is extremely ready.”

That’s less moving.

“But more accurate.”

3.0, are you ready?

“Hang on, give me a moment.”

“What needs doing?”

“I’m trying to come up with something cool to say about being ready.”

…You’re ready. Let’s go.

“No fair!”

1610

“Hold up. I think I see something.”

Do you think it’s -?

“Looks like it. Definitely not part of the ship.”

Why would they do that?

“Calling our bluff? We’re not going without you, or you’ll die?”

You have to admit it’s a compelling argument.

“What are you two whispering about?”

Shhhhh!

“3.0, we’re on a stealth mission, remember?”

“I would if you actually told me. You two have been ignoring me for the last five minutes.”

“We were being stealthy.”

“What and three people can’t be stealthy?”

“Actually –“

Please. Both of you.

“…Fine.”

“Ok.”

Since you ask, we were discussing the front of the spaceship over there that has impaled itself through our spaceship.

“Oh. I thought that was a cupboard.”

It’s not a cupboard.

“Why would they even design a ship to do that? Emergency connection with a space station? Highly exciting space battles?”

Only if they were happy with damaging the space station beyond repair. And NASA doesn’t actually fight a lot of exciting space battles. Or any space battles at all.

“So what did they design this for?”

Well, for us.

“You can’t be serious.”

I don’t recall seeing it on the books or prototypes before I left. And there’s no reason to build it except to do what it’s currently, well, doing. That is a custom, one of a kind space ship, designed with the express purpose of intercepting and crippling our space ship.

“Wow. We’re famous.”

They must really want you guys back.

“Wait. So when that ship leaves…”

“It’ll leave a gaping hole in the side of our ship. Depressurising it and expelling oxygen, supplies, and us.”

“I really hate NASA.”

Feeling is mutual.

“How do you know so much about NASA’s prototypes?”

I was in construction and maintenance before I was volunteered as a test pilot.

“Wow. You designed spaceships?”

Well, built them.

“You?”

Yes! Look it was nothing high-end, just the construction side of things.

“Ah. You were a grease-monkey.”

Not a lot of grease on space ships. I was a screw-monkey.

“Please never say screw-monkey again.”

“So what’s the plan?”

You and 3.0 wait here while I try and get on board.

“Ok… but be quiet!”

The gravity is off, remember? I can just float over, without a sound. Just wait here, I’ll be back soon.

“Good luck!”

“Go for it.”

…

…

…

VVVVVVWEEEEOOOOOOOO

“What was that?”

“Don’t worry.”

“Ok.”

“From the sound of it’s just the auto-repair system.”

…

“Hey –“

THUMP

“Gravity’s back on.”

194th Entry

May 9th, 2037

1355

Dear Space Diary

They say that you can be quite graceful in zero gravity.

They’re wrong.

After frantically trying to swim through the air (this does not work), I gave up and just waited until I floated near enough to the roof to pull myself over to the vent.

Right. Now to just unscrew the vent and… ah.

1403

At last, a screwdriver.

1405

Freedom! Vent based freedom! I’m pretty good at this whole escape thing, all factors considered.

Now to crawl through. If I run into any fans, I’ll just use my trusty… ah.

1422

So it’s actually quite hard to pry something off a wall without gravity. Best solution I found was stand on the wall, aim at the floor, and jump a lot while holding the pipe.

My head hurts. But At least I’ve got the pipe. It’s definitely thick enough to block and fans, though hopefully I won’t need to use it.

I’m pretty good at this whole escape – oh forget it.

1448

I think I’m lost.

1450

If I had a sense of direction, which direction would I go in?

1457

Not that way.

1530

“Isn’t he going to save us?”

“I’m sure he will.”

“I thought he was going to save us.”

“Give him time.”

“It’s been hours.”

“Give him more time.”

CLUNK

“Aah! What was that?”                                                                        

“It came from the vent.”

“Do you think NASA is trying to break in?”

“Yes.”

“AAAARGH!”

“It’s ok 3.0. Here’s what we’re going to do. First, take a deep breath.”

“Gasp.”

“Now breathe out.”

“pheeeeeeeeeeeew.”

“And now grab that scalpel that’s floating by your ear.”

“Could you maybe have told me about the scalpel first?”

“I wasn’t sure how’d you react.”

“…Ok that’s valid.”

“Now the moment you see anything come through the vent, throw the scalpel with all your force.”

“Ok. I can do this.”

“You can do this.”

When you two have quite finished.

“THROW THE SCALPEL!”

1535

“I am so sorry.”

Don’t worry about it.

“I am so sorry.”

No harm done.

“Only because aiming is really hard in zero gravity!”

Only because you can’t aim.

“Hey! Don’t be mean!”

Who just threw a scalpel at who?

“…I am SO sorry.”

Seriously. It’s ok. Please stop.

“So, it’s nice to see you and all, but what are we going to do from here? All we’ve really done is transfer you from one locked room to another.”

Like magic.

“Not in any way like magic.”

Well, now we’re all together, we can work out a way to escape.

“How? We’re on autopilot. We can’t change anything.”

But their ship isn’t.

“Their ship?”

How do you think they got here? They must have a ship. They can hardly link up with another ship by autopilot, so it must be freely controllable.

“Or piloted by NASA on the ground.”

Then we make them think we’re army dude and hippy face. And we make them fly us home.

“That’s kind of brilliant.”

Aren’t I?

193rd Entry

May 9^th, 2037

1330

Dear Space Diary

“For  the last time, let us in!”

No!

“We promise we won’t hurt you.”

You’ve already hurt me multiple times.

“…More.”

Try again.

“Listen. You’re in a lot of trouble. If you come out now I’ll do my best to protect you.”

You’re the one trying to arrest me!

“Alright, if you don’t come out I’ll make it even worse for you.”

You’ve already told me I’m going to get the worst possible punishment. What are you going to do, give me a 2^nd life sentence?

“…”

Any other avenues you’d like to try?

“Dude, tell him we have cookies!”

“Shut up, intern… um, we have…”

Nope.

“Damn it. We’ll be back. Come on. It’s not like he’s going anywhere. We’ll be back, do you hear me?”

You’re shouting. So yes.

STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP

Thank goodness for that. If I hadn’t bolted myself in here, they would have stormed in and I’d be locked up again. Or dead. Either way I’ll call this a win.

Now, how to escape from the room that I’ve bolted myself into.

Preferably without them finding out that I’ve escaped. The longer they’re distracted here, the more time the Mary’s have to swing into action.

So… how do I get out?

1340

Ok, so the door is bolted. The sink is fixed to the wall. There’s no secret passageway in the cupboard and the window doesn’t open. That’s a good thing, because where it leads to is space.

I am improperly dressed for space.

Which means that I am… out of options. Unless… where’s that breeze coming from?

1343

Found it!

There’s a ventilation duct in the corner of the room. A big one too. I’m not the thinnest guy in the room (wait, yes I am), but I should be able to fit in quite easily. The grates just screwed in too. There are only two possible problems.

One, it’s waaaay up there in the corner. It’s going to take some reaching.

And two. Breeze means fans. Big fans. Big, sharp, spinning death fans.

But it's the best chance I've got.

First, I’m going to need to get up there.

1347

Urgh.

Yaaaargh.

Eeeeeeeeeeeuuuurgh.

Damn it, why are tall things so heavy?

Ok, cupboard successfully under the vent. Looks high enough to comfortably reach the vent!

Now, how do I get on the cupboard?

1353

EEEEEEUUURRGGGH.

Why are short things heavy? Damn it, everything’s just heavy.

But a cabinet, two shelves, and a table are now all under the vent, arranged a suitably gradual staircase fashion.

I expended quite a lot of effort in order to be quite lazy.

I’ve also found a sturdy looking pipe that I think could be used as fan stopper. We’ll have to see how that plays out.

Almost managed to pry it free from the…

FZZZZZT KSSSHHHHH BZZZZZZZZZZZZ VVVVVVUUuuuuuuuuuuu

…What did I just do?

Whoa!

The gravity just went off. I can just float to the vent!

…after moving everything.

192nd Entry

May 9^th, 2037

1204

Dear Space Diary.

Oh, so I have. Butterfingers.

“Here, let me pick it up for you.”

Thanks. Actually I’m left handed.

“Oh, sorry dude. I’ll just move it over.”

You’re too kind.

“What are you using the pen for, anyway? Trying to write something? Do you want me to find some paper?”

No, actually. I’m going to use it escape.

“Hahaha. With a pen? You’re a funny dude. I like that in a dude.”

Er, thanks. I have a fiancé.

“Your loss, man. Later, chiller.”

VEEEEEEEEEEE

Young whippersnapper.

Stupid, stupid, wonderfully helpful young whippersnapper. Now let me just reach round here and…

CLICK

…

CLUNK

It worked! I did it! I’m free! YES!!!!

…oh bugger.

1207

Good, they didn’t hear me.

CLICK

CLUNK

CLICK

CLUNK

CLICK

CLUNK

CLICK

…

Come on you stupid rusted piece of –

CLUNK

There we go. Right. First thing’s first. Lock myself in so they can’t get in. One of these bolts will do just fine.

CLUNK

CLICK

Perfect. Step 2. Have to contact the Marys. They must be up by now. I just hope I can find them before Army Dude and Hippy Face get to them. They should be hard to find though, so long as they know we’re not alone? Mary followed me for ages without me noticing. Both young and old. They must be awesome at staying out of sight.

Yeah. So long as they don’t accidentally make themselves known before they realise we’ve got company, this should be a walk in the park.

A walk in the space park. Which has no atmosphere.

In fact, how are we going to escape? Mary’ll think of something. She’s smarter than me. Although, I did just solve the mystery of the bolts, so move over, sisters.

CLICK

…What was that?

“HELLO? IS THIS THING ON?”

Oh no. Stop, stop.

“WHERE ARE YOU MAN? IT’S 3.0. MARY’S HERE TOO.”

Shut up! Shut up! Don’t let them know where you -

“WE’RE IN THE SLEEPING QUARTERS. DID YOU FORGET THE CODE AGAIN? IT’S –“

No!!!!!

“3. 3. 4. 5.”

…AAARRGH!!!!!!

CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK

3.0! Can you hear me?

“HEY! MORNING!! DID YOU SLEEP WELL?”

Shut up and listen! I can hear you! The whole ship can hear you!

“WELL DUH. IT’S THE SHIP BROADCAST SYSTEM.”

There are people here! On the ship! From NASA! They would have heard it too! They had me trapped, but they don’t know I’ve escaped! You’ve both got to get out of there now, they’re coming for you!

“SHIT. WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SOMETHING?”

I couldn’t find the intercom! Listen, if they find you, I don’t know what they’ll do to you. You have to hide! Get off comms. I’ll come and find you, just go! Now!

“WE’RE GOING. WILL YOU BE OK? WHAT? OH. HANG ON A MOMENT.”

What?

“IT’S MARY HERE. LISTEN, YOU’RE TALKING ON THE SHIPWIDE TOO, YEAH? SO DOESN’T THAT MEAN THEY CAN HEAR YOU TOO?”

…Gotta go.

“SAME. BE SAFE.”

Thanks. You too.

CLICK