123rd Entry

March 21^st, 2037

1925

Dear Space Diary

Mary is checking out the controls to make one hundred percent sure she can actually fly this crazy thing. We will then go down to the clones and ask them what they’d like to do.

Which leaves me in an empty spaceship with a dog so well trained he disobeys every order I give it.

WOOF

Be quiet, Bobo.

WOOF!

Shh.

GRRRRRRR.

Make noise!

…

Stupid Bobo.

WHINE

You heard me.

1935

Ok, let’s test this theory.

Mary has indeed eaten all the apples, but I found a kiwi fruit. Hopefully that won’t splat too much.

Ok, here goes.

Bobo! Fetch the kiwi fruit!

Nothing. He’s just staring me.

1936

Let’s try again.

Don’t fetch the ball, Bobo!

WOOF!

…Thank you.

Bobo: Don’t sit!

ARF!

Impressive.

So what I have, is a dog so well trained he disobeys every order I give it, to the point of doing the exact opposite of whatever I say.

Meaning, reverse psychology actually works.

Awesome.

1945

…Hmm.

Bobo, don’t make me a sandwich!

Wow. I feel bad now. Bobo ran into the kitchen, attempted to open the fridge, couldn’t, and now is sitting on the floor whining.

…I think I broke him.

Bobo, make me a sandwich!

WOOF!

That’s better.

Bobo is actually quite a clever. For a dog.

GRRR

For anyone.

GRRR

Ever.

ARF

Good boy.

2013

“Right, we’re good. Controls are nice and easy. And the FTL drive, to my best guess, is actually a little faster than the one in your ship. Plus we wouldn’t be dragging mine, so we should definitely consider… why is the floor covered in bits of kiwi fruit?”

Because you ate all the apples.

“…sure. Anyway, we need to make a decision. Or rather, the clones do. If they want to come back to Earth, this is the ship we take. If they want to stay, then you and I have a conversation to have.”

Agreed.  Shall we?

“Yep. Let’s go.”

Ok. Bobo! Don’t stay here until I get back!

“Don’t say that! We don’t want him to run off.”

Oh don’t worry, he won’t leave the ship now.

“Why not?”

Reverse psychology.

“You’re quite strange, you know that?”

I’ll take that as a compliment.

“You really shouldn’t.”

2130

“So it comes down to this, my fellow Marys. You can choose. Either return to Earth with us, or stay on Splat with the city. We’ll respect your decision either way. Know that if you go to Earth, you can live any life you want.”

Provided that life involves work, money, and putting the garbage out once a week.

“While here, on Splat, you will be looked after, and cared for by the lightdogs. Food will be in unlimited supply, and you will all live very stable and safe lives. But it will be the only life you can lead.”

Any questions? Yes, 3^rd from the back.

“So… this would be like our planet?”

Yes.

“Can we change the name?”

122nd Entry

March 21st, 2037

1850

Dear Space Diary 

SO, CLONES! ARE YOU READY TO GO TO EARTH?

<PAUSE FOR RAPTUROUS CHEERS>

…

I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

<PAUSE FOR EVEN LOUDER RAPTUROUS CHEERS>

Can it actually hear us?

“No, I’m pretty sure he’s just stupid.”

THAT’S GREAT. WELL, ONCE YOU’RE ALL ABOARD, THIS SHIP WILL BE ON ITS WAY TO EARTH, AND YOUR NEW TESTING CHAM… HOME! THAT’S RIGHT, YOUR NEW HOME, AND NOT A TESTING CHAMBER OF ANY KIND. THERE WILL BE HARDLY ANY NEEDLES.

DID I SAY HARDLY ANY NEEDLES? I MEANT NO NEEDLES.

REALLY, THEY WON’T HURT MUCH.

OR AT ALL.

LOOK, JUST GET ON THE DAMN SHIP.

<SERIOUSLY. GET ON.>

FZZT

…

GROOOOOWWWWLLL

I agree, Bobo.

“…You named him Bobo?”

No, NASA did. He was in the papers shortly after I left. NASA’s brave new step forward in rocket testing, bringing back the dog test pilots.

“So what you’re saying is a dog is considered a better test pilot than you are.”

No, what I’m saying is shut up.

1855

I think I’ve seen all of the ship now. Seems to be fully stocked and fuelled.

“We are out of apples though.”

Were we out of apples before you were aboard?

“Side issue.”

The controls are a little different but at least they’re there. I was worried it was on autopilot.

“Let me see. Nope, I can definitely fly this.”

You sure?

“Definitely. It’s basically the Q14 controls but set in reverse based on the 2013 revisions. The throttle is new but I can probably work that out pretty quickly. Simple really.”

…Yeah. Simple. I knew all that, I was just testing you.

“And you failed.”

Quite.

1905

Ok, so we have a state of the art ship, with an FTL drive, and would allow us to fly back to Earth in comfort and style. Question is, do we use it?

“Why wouldn’t we?”

Well, it’s NASAs. And I’m a little concerned of just jumping straight in to something they’ve offered. Seems suspicious.

“Look I agree, but it’ll be a much easier trip in a ship like this. We have to at least consider it.”

Fine. Maybe so. But here’s the next question then. Do we take the clones?

“…Ah.”

We never could before. Do we take them? Or do we leave them in the city? We have to decide.

“Yeah. Or we could, you know, ask them?”

Them?

“They are people, you know. With thoughts and ideas and stuff. Surely they get a say, now that there’s an option?”

You’re right. Of course. I’m sorry.

“Good, so –“

WOOF!

Yes, dog. What is it?

“Don’t call him that.”

What? He is a dog.

“And you’re a twit, but I don’t call you that.”

Fine.  Bobo. What. Is. It?

WOOF!

Enlightening.

“He’s got a piece of paper, dummy. What’s it say?”

Hmm.

‘Hello, I am BOBO the wonder dog.’

‘I am trained to obey my master.’

‘My master is on Earth.’

‘So I will ignore everything you say.’

 

121st Entry

March 21^st, 2037

1825

Dear Space Diary

WOOF

Bobo the Wonder Dog is here, on this planet. The one that I’m on. The one that isn’t Earth.

NASA have flown me a puppy.

NASA, why have you flown me a puppy?

WOOF, WOOF, GROWL

“I don’t believe this.”

Me neither.

“…You got me a puppy?”

What?

“Well I said you owed me. I wasn’t exactly thinking a puppy, but still, that’s really sweet.”

Ha. Ha. Ha.

“What is it doing here?”

GROWL

I think it wants me to follow it inside the ship.

“What makes you say that?”

Well it growled.

“Inconclusive.”

Also it’s grabbed my pants leg and is dragging me into the ship.

“Better.”

1835

This ship is state of the art. Everything’s bright white and shiny. There’s bunks, living areas, a kennel for Bobo, and a kitchen.

With real non paste based food!

And a pool table.

“How does a pool table work in space?”

I’m pretty sure it doesn’t.

“This place is amazing..”

1837

Mary found apples in the kitchen. I think she’ll be there for a while. This place is incredible. Just found the entertainment room. Officially in heaven. There’s a TV here that’s larger than my spaceship. And a catalogue that says they’ve got quite a few movies.

All of them, in fact.

1842

All this extravagance leads to two immediate thoughts.

The first is why NASA would go to the trouble of building such a large and opulent space ship and then send it over here with a fully stocked larder and an excitable dog, but no actual people. I know it’s a prototype, but it’s still an awful lot larger than they need it to be.

The second thought is why didn’t NASA build ME a spaceship like this.

Stupid NASA.

“Why, what did they do now?”

They –

GREETINGS CLONES!

…who said that?

“At a guess, the guy on the TV behind you?”

Wait, I know him, he’s –

YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHO I AM.

No I’m not, I know who you are. You’re Walter –

WALTER’S THE NAME. BEING THE CHIEF MISSION LEAD AT NASA… IS MY GAME.

<PAUSE FOR LAUGHER>

“I don’t understand, why would we be laughing?”

Walter isn’t the mission lead. When I left Earth, he was an accountant. Not a very good one.

NOW THAT YOU’VE ALL FINISHED LAUGHING, I’D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU ABOARD THE “ST MARY” YOUR NEW HOME AND TICKET TO EARTH.

“…Earth?”

St Mary?

“Hey, I could be a Saint if I wanted to.”

I think that’d probably be up to, I don’t know, a church of some kind?

ONCE YOU’RE ALL ON BOARD, YOU WILL RELAX IN COMFORT AND JOY BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS. SINCE WE CREATED YOUR DREAMS, WE KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE.

NOW I KNOW THIS MAY BE STRANGE. MAYBE THE IDEA OF FLOATING IN A TANK OF DNA IS A LITTLE STRANGE TOO. BUT DON’T WORRY.

IT’LL GROW ON YOU.

<PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER>

“I think the subtitle track is broken.”

120th Entry

March 21^st, 2037

1710

Dear Space Diary

Thought of anything yet?

“It’s been ten minutes! Give me a chance.”

Ten dollars for ten minutes. Seems fair.

“Ok, excellent, I’ve come up with an idea!”

Really, already?

“Yes! It does unfortunately involve your untimely demise.”

How does my untimely demise help save the clones?

“Oh you mean an idea to do with helping the clones escape.”

…Yes. Yes I did.

1720

Mary seemed slightly on edge, so I’m taking a walk.

Not especially keen on talking to 3.0 after our last little discussion, so I’ve taken the other stairs, which will put me at the back of the facility.

This is a much longer walk, but also a much less awkward one.

1740

I may have underestimated the longness of the walk.

1750

I’m comfortable with there being less stairs than this in my life. Just saying. In case anyone’s listening.

Preferably someone who’s in charge of stair ratios.

1809

Phew. Finally reached the top. Just need to wait for my breath to catch up with me.

Hurry up, breath.

1816

I’ve never been around this side of the facility before. It’s… well, I won’t say it’s interesting. Because it isn’t. But it’s different at least. There’s even a few buildings here and there. Evidently Mary didn’t go as far as design the facility herself when she sent the lightdogs to build this place. I’m guessing it’s NASA’s original schematics, just altered to account for the “not farming anyone for DNA” factor.

Little detail.

Pretty drab though. It makes sense not to dress things up this far out here where nobody was ever going to see it (though this is a lot further out here than was originally intended), but still, a little aesthetics never hurt anyone, NASA. Nope, let’s go for pinky grey slabs. Sure, why not.

Hmm. All except that one. That one’s bright white, very shiny, and stands out from it’s surroundings. The window is odd, too, very curved and black.

Also it has rocket engines.

…oh.

1820

I’m as close as I dare go. It’s just sitting there. Not doing anything suspicious at all.

I consider that extremely suspicious.

Did NASA’s rescue ship get here at last? And is it actually a rescue ship? Then again, they don’t know that Mary found a way to get the Zubrin home too.

Mind, it’s awfully big for just Mary. In fact, I’ll go further. It’s massive. You could fit hundreds of people in there.

…Or hundreds of people could already be in there. An army of people.

Hang on, wait, that makes no sense. You wouldn’t need to send an army to subdue two people. Mary’s got some fight, but I’m pretty much a pushover.

“Oh there you are. What are you doing all the way up here?”

Don’t move!

“Why?”

That’s a spaceship! NASA’s spaceship has arrived!

“Run!”

Too late, the door’s opening.

1821

It’s open.

It’s…

I don’t believe this.

WOOF!

It’s bloody Bobo the wonder dog.

119th Entry

March 21^st, 2037

1630

Dear Space Diary

It’s been hours. The facility is still running, Mary is still hard at work, and I’m bored.

Plus I’ve run out of letters for I Spy.

I would give anything for Mary to round the corner right now and say it’s done, we can go home now.

“It’s done. We can go home now.”

…really?

“Yup. What are you going to give me?”

What?

“You said you would give anything for me to come round the corner, which I did, and say it’s done.”

Is it actually done?

“It’s actually done.”

Excellent.

“So what do I get?”

…Gratitude?

“Nope.”

A hug?

“Good God, no.”

An IOU?

“Keep guessing?”

You really want something?

“You said you’d give something.”

Anything in particular?

“I dunno. What have you got?”

Well, I have my wrist watch.

“I’m not taking your wrist watch.”

Good, because I’m not giving it to you.

“So what do I get?”

Um, to go home?

“…touche.”

1700

So there’s a problem we haven’t considered yet.

“Highly unlikely. If I can cast modesty to the wind for a moment -”

For a moment?

“You must allow that I’ve covered every possible factor. The facility is shutting down as we speak. This will release the clones unharmed. They can then head to the city, and live a long, happy life, free from the evil oppression of corporations and men. No offense.”

Most certainly taken, but continue.

“Meanwhile, we go back to our ships, tether the Zubrin to your ship, launch, fire the ftl drive, and get ourselves home. Flawless.”

I agree it sounds a highly effective plan. But unfortunately I must point out one small flaw.

“Flaw? I doubt it.”

We release the clones unharmed.

“And then they go live in the city.”

So the clones go live in the city.

“Yes! It’s there, it’s empty, it’s fully serviced. I’m reprogamming the lightdogs to make them basically the equivalent of butlers. They’ll be pampered and waited on til the day they die. What possible problem could you have?”

Look, where are we?

“…Ok fine I’ll humour you. We’re in the cloning facility.”

And where is the city?

“Well it’s over there. You just walk to it.”

And so all the clones, they presumably would walk to it to.

“…oh.”

Through an atmosphere filled with lead, that it’s lethal to be out in for more than about half an hour?

“…ah.”

And it’s a good hour to walk briskly?

“…bugger.”

Indeed. In fact, this facility isn’t sealed, so the moment we let them out of those tanks, they’ve got 30 minutes to climb out, go up the stairs, do the walk, and get into the city. That’s pretty impossible.

“Ten bucks says that I can do this.”

You’re on. Find us a way to get the clones from here to the city without killing them with lead, and you win.

“Deal.”

You know I don’t actually have any money.

“…Can I have that IOU after all?”

118th Entry

March 21^st, 2037

1305

Dear Space Diary

Mary is working hard at deactivating the cloning facility.

I’m sitting around doing nothing.

1315

Starting to feel guilty about not helping.

1320

Guilt increasing.

1325

Guilt’s getting pretty uncomfortable now.

1327

I really should be helping. Surely there’s something I can do to help her.

I should go check.

1329

Hey, Mary –

“What are you doing here? Get out of the way!”

CRASH

“Oh. Fantastic. Thanks for that.”

1336

Mary is working hard at deactivating the cloning facility.

I’m sitting around doing nothing.

1400

My boredom intensifies.

“Well you should be doing something then.”

That’s an understatement… Mary 2.0? What brings you here?

“Thought you could use some company, so I decided to come out and say hi. You looked pretty bored.”

No, I mean, WHAT brings you here? And, for that matter, your tank?

“Oh yeah! Mary fitted it with wheels and refitted a lightdog into an engine. Cool isn’t it!”

It’s impressive, I’ll give her that, but why did she go the trouble?

“Regrowth is a lot slower than we were expecting. Gonna be in here for at least another few days, and frankly we want the facility off before then. So she made me mobile! Wanna race?”

What’s your top speed?

“5 miles an hour.”

That’s not very fast.

“faster than 0.”

I still think I’d win.

“Fine, then can you find me a jump? I’m itching to see what this can do.”

I think you might have slightly high levels of faith in the abilities of your engine. It’s very low horsepower. In fact I’m pretty sure less than a full horse would still win.

“Yeah, but I’d still pay to see that.”

You’re in a good mood at least.

“Plenty of reasons to be. Don’t have to hate Mary any more. Got my clonesistsers back. And there’s the whole not-actually-dead thing. That’s a good feeling.”

I guess.

“What, you don’t have reasons to feel good? You’re going home soon! You won’t be at NASA’s whim anymore. You’ll get to see all your friends. Your family.”

My fiancé.

“YOU have a fiancé?”

You seem surprised.

“Has she actually met you? Or seen what you look like?”

Hey!

“Is she a threat?”

Yes, Mary! My fiancé is a threat! Stop eavesdropping!

“Damnit!”

1430

“Um…”

Can you think of anything?

“Give me a moment.”

Take your time.

“…So it begins with a  C?”

Yup.

“And it’s one word?”

That’s right.

“And you can… spy it?”

With my little eye.

“As opposed to your regular sized one?”

Just play the stupid game.

“Cliff?”

No.

“Craftmanship?”

What? No.

“Damn, thought I was being clever. Ok, I give up.”

Clone.

“Which one?”

Eh?

“Which clone? You’ve a fair few to choose from.”

Oh, um, I hadn’t picked one.

“So, what, all of them?”

Well, yes.

“But that’s massive. Not difficult to spy at all. I don’t think you’re very good at this game.”

Oh forget it. I give up.

“Yay! I win!”

…

117th Entry

March 21^st, 2037

1140

Dear Space Diary

Through careful conversation and a little luck, Mary has been forgiven for her previous crime of inadvertently wiping out a factory of clones. Unfortunately she now stands accused of a completely different crime.

So it’s not going well.

Despite her (very loud) threats to the contrary, I don’t think Mary 2.0 can actually have anyone killed. She’s regrowing pretty fast but is still confined to her tank, and while she seems to have gained control of the lightdogs (not that surprising given her clone-in-law), I’m pretty sure they’re actually hard coded to not be able to harm humans; a very Asimovian move on NASA’s part. Given their tendency to not do anything they don’t have to, I’m guessing something went badly wrong during the testing phase. RIP, and all that.

So, given her threats are all kinds of empty, what they basically boil down to is Mary 2.0 shouting at us. A lot. This would be more of a concern, except for the fact that the gel in her tank makes her sound almost entirely hilarious. I’m waiting outside until she calms down. Mary is still pinned to the wall by the lightdogs, and so must sit and endure her punishment.

I’m probably going to pay for that at some point.

1153

…I think she’s done. Might go inside to check.

“And another thing!”

Oh, Mary, shut up. Really. She didn’t trap you in here. Mary rebuilt the facility to run on automatic. The lightdogs were meant to stop as soon as they ran out of backup DNA samples.

“So why didn’t they then?”

Well, somebody decided to jump off a cliff and provide them with an unlimited supply.

“Oh.”

1155

“Was that someone me?”

What do you think?

“I think you could have told me earlier so I didn’t just spend 20 minutes shouting.”

“Yes, I think that too.”

I’m going to pay for that too, aren’t I?

“Yes.”

“Oh yes.”

1259

Mary’s been working on shutting down the facility. A few tests have confirmed that removing the DNA sample will simply mean that no new clones will be created; all the existing ones will be fine and fully grown. All told there are 74 Mary’s that have been started, most are nearly complete, all that needs to be done is to let them out of their tanks.

That’s a lot of Marys.

“You’re telling me”

2.0 is nearly complete too, though apparently it takes longer to regrow than grow so she’s a little behind the others. Mary thinks she can disengage the case and just wheel 2.0 out.

“Stop calling me that, my name is Mary.”

Well I have to differentiate between you somehow. Otherwise what happens every time I call out Mary?

“Yes?”

“Yes?”

“Yes?”

“Yes?”

“Yes?”

I rest my case.

“Sigh. Ok, fine. But please leave the Mary in there. It’s my name, after all.”

Ok Mary.

“Yes?”

“Yes?”

“Yes?”

“Yes?”

“Yes?”

Now you’re doing it to spite me.