156th Entry

April 2^nd, 2037

1015

Dear Space Diary

You guys ready?

“…”

“Get bent.”

Ok, I’m taking both of those as a yes. 3.0, I’m opening the airlock. Be safe out there.

“Like you care.”

I do care, 3.0. I wish you’d believe that.

“…”

Mary I hear you being silent on the intercom. Are you at the computer?

“Yeah.”

Keep an eye on the engines.  I’ll be watching 3.0 on the monitor. We’ll need to work together if –

“What do you mean. You don’t know anything about the mission. Mary and I know it all. All you know is how to be a –“

Hey!

“…It’s ok, 3.0. Let’s go home. I’m tired.”

“Yeah, yeah. Open the airlock.”

PFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTT

Airlock opened.

“I’m stepping out.”

1020

“I’m on the side, got a good hold.”

Good. Closing airlock now.

“Thanks for that. I couldn’t work that out myself.”

3.0…

“ I think what threw me was when the airlock started closing. I mean, what’s that supposed to mean?”

Enough ok? You’ve got weeks to be angry at me yet. Let’s get you back in the ship safely and then you can go back to being pissed at me.

“…Fine. But only because that’s good advice.”

Good.

“And not because I like you in any way.”

1033

“So.”

So.

“3.0’s been gone awhile.”

It’s slow going. Zero gravity is weird.

“So what is she mad about?”

Er…

“Is it us?”

Well, leaving aside that I’m not sure there is an us –

“You’re not sure?”

- I’m not that keen to discuss it. Certain angry people might be listening in.

“Don’t worry, I turned her mike off.”

What? But how will we know if she’s alright?

“The guy who’s monitoring her on the camera should be able to tell.”

…Oh yeah.

“How’s she doing?”

She’s working away along the ship. Making it look pretty easy.

“Anything else?”

She just poked her tongue out at the camera.

“She’s fine. Why is she mad?”

I may have yelled at her.

“That’s not like you.”

Been a bit out of sorts.

“Why?”

Because you kissed me.

“Pardon?”

Because you kissed me.

“Oh. Was it that bad?”

No!

“There’s the yelling.”

Sorry. It… it just confused me. It spun my head around a little. I don’t know what to make of it.

“It was just a kiss.”

I think from this conversation we can agree it wasn’t.

“…Yeah.”

Yeah.

“So where do we go from here?”

I honestly do not know. Beyond home. I guess we’ll work it out.

“Yeah. Sorry.”

Don’t be. It was… nice. Just unexpected.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Well speaking of unexpected…

“It’s the proximity warning. Probably a meteor getting close to the ship. We’ll be safe inside.”

…

“Oh. Crap. 3.0”

She’ll never get back in time. Is it going to hit us?

“I’ll just do some calculations.”

…Well?

“Yes. “

So we just have to hope it doesn’t hit near her.

“I’ll just do some –“

It’s going to hit her.

“Yes.”

155th Entry

April 2^nd, 2037

0900

Dear Space Diary

Well, there goes the alarm. Time to wake up. That might require me to be asleep though.

May have been up all night thinking.  May have been wondering what exactly I think about Mary. May have decided to not let it get to me, that I love my fiancé, and that I don’t want this naïve 20 year space castaway to come in and ruin things.

May have decided I’m being a little unfair. May be rather tired.

0922

Ah, that’s better. Breakfast makes everything better.

No, wait, still tired. And grumpy. Maybe it’s hot showers. Yes. Hot showers make everything better.

0944

Wrong again. I guess if we fix the engines I do have at least five weeks of awkward conversations at mealtimes and avoiding her at all other times for things to get better.

Damn it, this would be so much easier if she hadn’t kissed me.

This would be so much easier if I hadn’t enjoyed it.

Guess I should go talk to her.

9050

Where’s Mary?

“Morning is traditional.”

Good Morning, where’s Mary?

“She’s not talking to you.”

What did I do?

“A very good question. What, in fact, did you do?”

I don’t know what you mean.

“I think you do. Something has happened, and neither of you are telling me what it is. But I’m going to find it out. I’m an excellent detective.”

Have you ever been a detective before?

“In my heart I’m an excellent detective.”

Nothing’s going on, 3.0.

“Exactly what a guilty person would say.”

What would a person say if nothing was actually going on?

“Don’t change the subject!”

BEEP

“Sorry to interrupt, but can I change the subject?”

“Sure Mary, what’s up? And when are you coming out from there? You can’t just talk to us over the intercom forever.”

“Correct. We will at some point reach Earth.”

Hi Mary.

“I’m ready to go outside whenever you want. I’ve spent all morning studying the wiring. I’m ready, Mary.”

Hi Mary.

“That’s good. Well, no time like the present. Put on a suit and let’s get this done.”

“Ok great. I’ll go get ready to step outside. Can you lend me a hand? Mary’ll be on the computer and I could use some help getting into the suit.”

Uh, sure.

“Thanks! See you in a bit.”

“Bye 3.0.”

“Bye Mary.”

…Hi Mary.

“Hi.”

1001

“Ow! Careful with the zip.”

Sorry.

“Hope this isn’t too awkward.”

I’ve helped women get dressed before.

“Cute ones that have a crush on you?”

Actually yes.

“Oh yeah. Your fiancé. You know I don’t know anything about her.”

I don’t want to talk about it.

“I just think –“

Drop it! I don’t want to talk about her. I just don’t want to think about it!

“…Sure.”

Sorry. Need you helmet?

“Just leave it. I’ll finish this myself.”

Look, 3.0, I know I got –

“Get out, please.”

...Sure.

SLAM.

Now they’re both angry at me.

Nice work.

154th Entry

April 1^st, 2037

2137

Dear Space Diary

“You’re staring into space.”

…I am? Sorry.

“You’re not reading too much into our kiss, are you?”

Me? No! Of course not. I have a fiancé. That kiss meant nothing.

“Was it that bad?”

I didn’t mean that and you know it.

“Ok good. Because you shouldn’t read anything into it. That would be bad. It was just a thank you kiss.”

Don’t worry, I know.

“So you’re not reading anything into it?”

No.

“Oh. Fine. That’s fine. Well fine then!”

SLAM

…I’m very confused.

2145

“Hey where’s Mary? I want her to check the wiring stuff so we can go home. Well, so you can go home. I’m going somewhere new, which is pretty exciting when - Are you alright?”

Um. Yes. Yes I’m fine.

“What just happened?”

I don’t actually know.

“You sure you’re alright?”

Er, no, yeah. I’m fine. Nothing. Nothing happened.

“So you didn’t know that nothing happened.”

…Yes.

“Outstanding.”

I’m going to bed.

“Is Mary going to bed too?”

No! I mean, yes. But not with me. She has her own bed.

“…Right. I’m going to go to bed too. In my own bed. Because apparently we’re specifically mentioning that.”

Go to bed.

“Way ahead of you. Night!”

April 2^nd, 2037

0122

That was certainly an… interesting evening.

Shouldn’t get too work up about it. It didn’t mean anything. Mary said. Wait, she got really upset when I agreed with her that it didn’t mean anything. So if she’s angry that I thought it didn’t mean anything, does that mean… it does mean something? So maybe, it means, that it doesn’t mean anything.  It both means nothing, and everything.

That’s either very deep, or very stupid.

Probably both.

Hang on, calm down. Just think a little. Maybe it meant something. Maybe it didn’t . But you still have a fiancé. She’s waiting for you. You hope. No, stop, crazy talk, she’s waiting for you. You only proposed to her two months ago. And you said you’d come back. Only, you’re a month behind schedule. And you’re coming back with two rather attractive women.

I can see the headlines now: “Space Adventurer Ditches Bride-To-Be for Mother of 400.”

Getting a little ahead of yourself there, aren’t you? It was just a kiss. She is pretty cool though. And smart. And you’d be pretty much dead or drifting in space without her. That’s not a good enough reason to fall in love with her, though.

Oh, so it's love now, is it? Way to go to the extreme! This is typical of the way you jump to conclusions.

And another thing, why are you talking to yourself?!

THUMP THUMP THUMP

Hang on, there’s someone at the door.

Oh hello, 3.0, what can I –

“SHUT! UP!”

SLAM

I guess we've been a bit loud. I shouldn’t have shouted.

Don’t mention it, it’s ok. Though you do know you’re still talking to yourself?

Sorry.

That’s ok.

0130

Space Adventurer. I like that.

153rd Entry

April 1^st, 2037

2040

Dear Space Diary

Ok, let’s see if I can get this coffee machine to work.

BEEP

This writing is tiny. Or I’m going blind. Or both.

Welcome to the NASAcafe 3000, your number one (and only) choice for deep space coffee. Space is lonely, cold, and black. Just like our coffee!

Unless you have milk.

To order a cup of delicious, refreshing MOON^TM coffee, please press 1. To order a cup of tasty, invigorating EARTH^TM coffee, press 2.

To order a cup of JUPITER^TM coffee, press 3.

Hmm. 1.

Out of MOON^TM coffee. Make another choice.

Er, ok. 2.

Out of EARTH^TM coffee. Make another choice.

Ugh. Ok fine, 3.

NASA is no longer able to supply JUPITER^TM coffee due to quality concerns and recently introduced legislation in the US.

That legislation does not apply in outer space, however. Now printing liability waiver. Please hold.

…I’ll just make some tea.

2055

Mary wasn’t thrilled by the lack of coffee but did agree that any coffee that required you to sign a contract was coffee not worth having. So I’m back to feeling useless.

Figure I’ll give the card house another attempt.

2130

“What off Earth is that?”

A four story circus tent made out of playing cards.

“And that?”

A giraffe. Also made out of playing cards.

“How did you get the cards to stand up like that.”

Skill. Also glue.

“So if we wanted to play cards?”

It would be a very interesting game.

“Right. Well while you’ve been doing that, we’ve been working.  Hard. And we think we’re ready to go.”

Great. What can I do?

“Well, nothing. We’re good.”

…And you wonder why I was making card houses?

“Fair point.”

There isn’t anything I can do? I don’t really feel like I’m contributing.

“It’s ok. We’re all set. I’d like you to listen in, but we should be fine.”

Oh. Ok then.

“Hey. You did do something important. Something very important.”

What was that?

“Save my life.”

…what are you trying to do.

“I’m trying to kiss you.”

Um, why?

“Because I’m grateful.”

I have a fiancé.

“Oh get over yourself. I’m not overcome by mad saviour complex passion. I’m not kissing you followed by getting you into bed. I’m just, grateful that you saved my life. So you get a kiss. One. And nothing else.”

Oh.

“Unless you think I’m so unattractive that the mere thought of kissing me repulses you.”

…They’re two pretty extreme choices.

“Well, which is it?”

When you put it like that.

“That’s what I thought.”

So, how do we -?

“You’ve done this before, right?”

Yeah, of course!

“Good, because I, kind of, haven’t.”

Really?

“20 years in space, remember?”

But before?

“…No. Never. You’d kind of be my first.”

And you want it to be me?

“Sure, why not?”

Oh ok. Well, you just kind, um, I don’t know! It’s tough to explain. It’s more of a heat of the…

2135

“Like that?”

Yes.

Like that.

152nd Entry

April 1^st, 2037

2007

Dear Space Diary

“Come on, hurry up and open the airlock!”

“Sorry 3.0, the computer isn’t responding for some reason. Don’t worry, it’s just a software crash. I’ll do some troubleshooting and should have you inside within –“

“Just hit it a couple of times.”

THUMP

“Ok, that fixed it.”

2015

“I’m in. Shut the airlock.”

Are you alright? 7 hours is a long time to be in space.

“Well. I really have to pee.”

She’s fine.

“Ok good. Get yourself cleaned up and we’ll go over some schematics.”

“It’s ok, I’m happy to start now. It’s like you guys were saying, the sooner the better, right?”

“No no, you should clean up first.”

I agree.

“…Do I smell that bad?”

Why do you think we’re talking to you over the intercom?

“Thanks a bundle.”

2030

3.0’s in the shower, Mary’s tooling away with a wiring kit. Happiest I’ve seen her in a little while.

ZAP

“Ow! That hurt!”

So happy.

To be honest, I’m starting to feel a little useless. 3.0’s taken over the wiring job and Mary knows, well, everything, which doesn’t leave me much to do, especially given my only job description from NASA was ‘sit in a chair and look busy.’

Maybe I’ll ask Mary if there’s anything I can do to help.

2035

Mary threw a pair of wire cutters at me. So I’ve taken that as a no.

“Maybe she just really hated those wire cutters.”

I had to give them back to her afterwards, so again, taking that as a no.

“Yeah, you’re right. She probably just hates you.”

Reassuring as always.

“Anyway, I’m ready to go. Let’s go see if she’s ready.”

Fine, but you’re going through the door first.

2036

“I said there’s nothing, oh it’s you.”

“I’m ready if you are.”

“Close enough. Have a seat. This is a rough mock-up of what the wires for the engine should look like once it’s fixed. You’ll need to memorise this and then use it as a guide while you’re out there, but you’ll still need to think on your feet, it’s possible we’ll have to work around some areas if any are broken. Anything you need me to go over?”

Is the engine actually made from a Styrofoam coffee cup?

“Not you.”

“Actually, I like his question.”

“I said rough. This is important 3.0, once you’re out there, there’s only so much help I can give you over the radio. NASA didn’t install cameras in the spacesuits. Well, they did, but they don’t work. Do you understand?”

“Give me a while to look it over. Got the schematics?”

“Right here.”

“Brilliant. So wires 3-12 go here, section K?”

“Correct.”

“And then I’ll need to make sure they run through to P and R, but skip O?”

“Not quite. You’re forgetting without O the gyroscopes won’t kick in fast enough, we’ll spin out.”

“Right. Ok…”

Anything you need?

“Yes I need something very important.”

What?

White, two sugars.

151st Entry

April 1^st, 2037

1500

Dear Space Diary

“You sure you’re up for this?”

I don’t see an alternative.

“It won’t be easy.”

I know.

“In fact, it’ll be very hard.”

Let’s just get it over with.

“If you’re sure?”

I am.

“Ok then.”

DING

“Class is now in session. Please take your seats. Yes, all of you.”

There’s only me. And I’m already sitting.

“Well done class. Gold stars all round.”

…who are you talking to?

“Sorry. I always wanted to teach.”

It shows.

“Don’t answer back. Is that clear?”

…er?

“Very good. Welcome to Basic Spaceship Wiring 101: Learn to rewire an engine in 6 easy steps.”

Six doesn’t sound so bad.

“Oh I’m sorry, I left a few numbers off.”

…36?

“Blast, sorry! I’m just nervous. Forgot the one.”

136?

“Guess again.”

2007

“And then the brown wire will go into slot 47… here. This will reconnect the engine to the third fuel injector, which as we no doubt recall, is used when…?”

I don’t know.

“Come on, have a guess?”

…during fuel injection?

“That’s right! Well done. You may leave two minutes early.”

When does class finish?

“In more than two minutes. Now, any questions so far?”

Where do you find a blackboard?

“Cupboard 41. Any other questions?”

No.

“Splendid. Let’s take a break then. Recess!”

DING

Listen, I’m not sure I’m getting this.

“I’m sorry, I don’t fraternise with my students.”

Mary!

“Sorry, sorry, nervous. Am I doing ok?”

Fine. But I’m having trouble remembering all this.

“I knew it! I’m a terrible teacher, I’ve failed!”

No! You’re fine. It’s just… a really difficult subject. You’re doing well. You’re a good teacher.

“Really?”

Yes.

“…Really?”

Yes!

“Ok good. I knew I was.”

Good. I’m glad.

“Really?”

YES! MARY! YES!

“Geez, sorry.”

I’m not going to get this.

“We’ve only just started!”

We’ve been going for five hours.

“I did say it would take a long time. I learn pretty fast.”

But I don’t.

“You just have to stick this out. It’ll happen. It’ll take a long time, and it’ll be hard. But we’ll get you there.”

“Or I could just do it.”

3.0? Where are you?

“I’m tired. Can I come inside please?”

You’re still outside?

“Yeah. You guys kind of left me here. I wanna go back inside.”

“3.0! I’m so sorry!”

“Oh don’t be. It’s awesome out here. But the suit’s starting to smell. Might need to empty the –“

Stop talking now.

“I mean what I said. I could do the wiring.”

“You don’t know anything about wiring.”

“I think you mean I know everything about wiring. What do you think I’ve been doing for the past few days?”

Reading encyclopaedias.

“And other associated texts. Including wiring. I can do it.”

“Well, I’m a pretty fast learner. So she probably is too.”

“Course I can. Honestly. I did say. Let me come back inside and take a look. Oh, and Mary?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re an amazing teacher. He’s just a terrible student.”

“Thanks!”

…Thanks.

150th Entry

April 1^st, 2037

1400

Dear Space Diary

I’m back inside. Close the airlock.

“Where’s 3.0?”

“Zoooooooooooooom!”

Apparently she’s practicing her swoops.

1411

So we’ve got a bit of a problem.

“That’s an understatement.”

Can you repair it?

“Can YOU repair it?”

I’m no electrician. You at least know what you’re looking for.

“I know what I’m looking for. But the problem is, where I need to look for it is here, on the computer.”

That’s not really an option, Mary.

“I know that. But what do you expect me to do? Go outside the ship, rewire the ship, then come back inside, check the computer, and if it’s wrong go back out and try again?”

…

“You do expect me to do that, don’t you.”

Not expect. But, what else can we do? Can you teach me how to rewire the ship solo?

“Sure. Will take a few months, but yes.”

How about the computer? Can you teach me to reprogram it as you rewire?

“Depends. How many languages are you familiar with?”

Er, English?

“We’ll go with no, then.”

“I can do it.”

Go back to your zooming, 3.0.

“Whatever. Zoooooom!”

Well, the choice is yours, Mary. I’m happy to try and learn, but I can’t guarantee I’ll pick it up. I don’t really have an aptitude for engineering.

“Neither did I. Then again, I did have 20 years and nothing else to do.”

It’s either that, or rewire and reprogram yourself. And that’s a lot of work.

“Well, it would be easier if you knew how to do… well, anything.”

Gee, thanks.

“Sorry. If something happens to me, you should know. I’ll teach you. But first, we need some supplies.”

That’s the sprit! What do we need?

“About 25 rolls of duct tape. Otherwise those wires will just fray open again in the next meteor shower.”

Does the ship have a supply cupboard?

“I’ll check. It has… 47 supply cupboards.”

And which one has the duct tape?

“That information is classified, apparently.”

Duct tape is classified?

“Apparently.”

…Seriously?

“Oh I don’t know! But the supply list is. So the only way to actually find any is to go through the cupboards.”

Do we know if they even have any duct tape?

“It’s a space ship. I guarantee you there’s duct tape. It’s like the most useful thing ever.”

Bet you ten bucks?

“You’re on.”

…Do you actually have any money?

“No. Do you?”

No.

“Ok then.”

1435

“How goes the search?”

I’m up to cupboard 5. It’s full of toilet paper. You?

“Cupboard 43. Stationary.”

1453

“Cupboard 33. In-flight entertainment guides.”

Cupboard 8. The NASA Mascot collection.

“Only three cupboards? What’s the hold up?”

I got a little distracted by Cupboard 7.

“What was in there?”

Crime Thrillers.

“Who would fill a spaceship supply cupboard with Crime Thrillers?”

Me.

“Besides you.”

NASA.

“Oh, shut up.”

1459

Bingo!

“Well done!”

Thank you.

“Well played. I haven’t played Bingo in years.”

Me neither.

“Mm.”

Also, I found the duct tape.