Dear Space Diary

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

182nd Entry

April 10th, 2037

0900

Dear Space Diary

So… today’s the day. Launch day. The day we put our plan into action. I’m a little nervous. We’ve done a lot of preparation over the last couple of days. And a lot of heavy living on the part of the Marys. But… it’s only been two days. Are we really ready? To be honest, I’m scared.

“Pass the mustard.”

That’s it? I bear my worries and soul to you and that’s what I get? Pass the mustard?

“I can’t reach it.”

Fine, whatever. Here.

“Thank you.”

…Are you putting mustard on toast?

“I like mustard.”

Yes but, on toast? By itself?

“I haven’t had mustard in 20 years. And we don’t know what fate awaits us on Earth. Yes, I’m having mustard on toast.”

Ok, ok, I’m not judging you.

“Yes you are.”

0945

“Don’t say it.”

What if –

“Don’t.”

What if they’re late?

“You said it. I asked you not to say it.”

But what if they are?

“Then they’re late.”

It’s launch day. They shouldn’t be late on launch day.

“It’s not like we’re a corporation. In fact, we’re fighting against a corporation. Stick it to the man, etc.”

What if it’s a woman?

“Then good on her for making it in a man’s world. Also, she’s an evil bitch.”

“See, told you they wouldn’t be late.”

Shut up.

WHERE ARE YOU GUYS? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MESSAGE AT 0930

“We were?”

DIDN’T HE TELL YOU?

“You were supposed to tell me something, were you?”

Oh. Yes, I remember now. They said they’d message 15 minutes earlier to give them more time to run diagnostics before they launch.

“What happened?”

I forgot.

“You were so worried that they might be late, that we were late?”

The irony is not lost on me.

“Oh, that’s not irony. I can think of a few things it is, but it’s not irony.”

Listen -

NO YOU LISTEN. BOTH OF YOU. THIS MAY BE ALL ACADEMIC TO YOU ON YOUR SNUG LITTLE SHIP, BUT THIS IS OUR SAFETY WE’RE TALKING ABOUT. IF THIS PLAN DOESN’T WORK, NASA COULD COME FOR US, WITHOUT WARNING AND AT ANY TIME.

“But…”

But…

NO BUTS. WE’RE GREATFUL FOR YOUR HELP SO FAR. REALLY. BUT ENOUGH BICKERING. IT’S GETTING EMBARRASING. EITHER JUST KISS EACH OTHER OR DO SOMETHING ELSE TO DISPEL THE SEXUAL TENSION.

“There’s no sexual tension.”

OH PLEASE. BET YOU FIFTY BUCKS YOU GUYS GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER BEFORE THIS IS ALL OVER. AND WE WON’T EVEN GET A WEDDING INVITE, I’M SURE.

WE’RE READY TO LAUNCH. COMMENCING FINAL DIAGNOSTICS. PLEASE DO THE SAME.

“…Well, they certainly told us.”

Yeah. We’ve been a bit foolish.

“We have… I’m sorry. We should focus on saving the Marys.”

I feel strange.

“It could be shame.”

No, I’m not sure it’s shame. I feel bad, sure…

“It could be unrequited love.”

…Ok, yes, it’s shame.

Monday, March 25, 2013

181st Entry

April 9th, 2037

1840

Dear Space Diary

I’m in my room, going over some star charts. This has everything to do with the importance of finding a planet for the Zubrin to orbit around. It’s important work. Vital work. Potentially lifesaving work. If we can get the Zubrin in orbit around a suitable planet of a similar size to Marysvilletopia, we may be able to fool NASA’s systems into thinking it is Marysvilletopia. Instead of thinking Marysvilletopia is Marysvilletopia. So I’m in my room, working hard in peace so I can save some lives. I’m a hero.

<CLICK>

Can I come out yet?

“No!”

<CLICK>

Also, Mary might have locked me in here.

Which is entirely unfair. It’s not my fault that the clones were two hours late for their next report. They could have been dead. The pod could have blown up while they were messing with the engines. A lightdog could have malfunctioned and lasered them to death. Bobo could have given them rabies.

But of course they were fine. They were late because the rocks were heavy and it took longer than expected to load them.

The rocks. Were heavy. Yes, their excuse is gravity. I could have pointed out that the gravity on Marysvilletopia is much lighter than on Earth so they’ve no excuse. And I did. Several times. And then gave them a detailed lecture on the importance of keeping to schedule and making sure we don’t fall behind. The end result of which was that the lecture took up the entire meeting, we couldn’t keep to the schedule, and now we’ve fallen behind.

Bet they won’t be late next time though.

1900

<CLICK>

I’ve found a planet.

“Which one?”

Can I come out yet?”

“Which planet?”

X-17 by FFG-3. Fourth from the sun.

“Hang on. Just checking.”

Let me out!

“Ssh. Ok, yes that looks good. Nice work. I’m unlocking the door.”

1903

Freedom! Beautiful, glorious freedom!

“I can lock you back in there, you know.”

I’ll be good.

“The planet’s good, thank you.”

It’s just one they prepared earlier. But I have a question. How is that going to stop then finding Marysvilletopia? They already know where it is. Surely they’ll just ignore this one and keep going?

“Ah ha, I’ve thought of that. You’re right. They won’t be able to use the autopilot, it’ll home in on one of our many scattered signals. But they do still have their star charts. They can get here manually. It’ll be much trickier, but it’s possible, if they’re determined enough.”

So the problem is the star charts.

“Right. We can’t mess with them from here. But I have a plan.”

Do tell.

“We go back to Earth. And we steal them.”

Steal the star charts?

“Without the physical star charts, they won’t be able to get there! The clones will be safe. It’s fool proof.”

Is it also bullet proof?

“I’m sure they probably won’t kill us.”

What do you think they’ll do, congratulate us?

Friday, January 11, 2013

180th Entry

April 9^th, 2037

1100

Dear Space Diary

Maybe something’s happened.

“They’re fine.”

They’re meant to check in by 11.

“It is 11.”

Exactly. Where are they? Has NASA got there already?

“As far as we know NASA hasn’t even left Earth. They’re fine. They probably just slept in a bit.”

I’m worried.

“I’ve noticed. Hey, to distract you, should we be waking up 3.0?”

Hmm. I don’t know. Thoughts?

“Well, there’s not much she could really do to help. Heck, there’s not much we can really do.”

Apart from be on time for our daily meeting.

“Let it go.”

Hmph. Fine.

“So… Nah. Let’s let her sleep. At least one of us can.”

She won’t be angry to have missed out on all this?

“Why are you asking me? Ask her.”

You are her.

“True. Hmm. No, I think I’d be ok with it.”

SORRY GUYS, SLEPT IN A BIT.

“Next time we’re betting.”

1113

“After that, you’re going to need to open the left rear engine panel. Absolutely not the right. Then find the blue wire. Please confirm once located.”

Where are we up to?

“We’ve got plenty of rocks. They’ve put the biggest ones into your pod and into the Zubrin.”

The Zubrin?

“Well thanks to our impromptu departure, it’s fully fuelled and ready to go. We may as well take advantage of it.”

It works?

“Yeah. But it doesn’t have autopilot, it’s too old for that. It’s kind of a good thing though. Means we can cover a wider distance.”

Is that why they’re fiddling with the engines?

“No, they’re fiddling with the engines on your pod.”

Why? We know they work.

“Exactly. We’re breaking them.”

…I don’t understand.

“The Zubrin doesn’t have autopilot. Yours does. It’s the same as ours, so it’ll home in on it’s destination, but NASA can manually try to control it. So we’re making sure the ship keeps on course.”

Pulling out the antennas like they did on the Escape pods?

“Yup. But the Mary’s found a back up. A kill switch for the engines. So we’re removing it. And the break valve, just to be sure.”

…So in other words you are creating the very fault that NASA claims got me stuck here in the first place?

“Thought you’d appreciate that.”

So what’s the plan?

“We fill the ships with rocks. We launch them. We open the doors once they’ve taken off, the rocks fall out, neatly scattering the rocks across bits of the galaxy. NASA, with their ultra high-tech tracking systems, can’t get a fixed signal on Marysvilletopia. We go home, everybody’s happy.”

Except NASA and their evil benefactors.

“Except them.”

The people we’re heading towards.

“Yeah.”

So we’re going to be in some trouble.

“Yes. But we save the clones. Do you care?”

…No.

“Good. Besides, I reckon they’re bluffing.”

Bet your life?

“As it happens, yes.”

Bet my life?

“Far more readily.”

Gee, thanks.

“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.”

Thank you.

“You wuss.”

Hey!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

179th Entry

April 5^th, 2037

1004

Dear Space Diary

“2.0 just messaged. The EMPs are set up around the city. If they do land, their craft aren’t going to be able to take off again. Of course, that will leave a bunch of angry secret evil organisation types trapped on the same planet as them. Which is not exactly ideal.”

Well they’ll have to fight them off if it comes to that.

“With what?”

There are a great many rocks. Really heavy rocks. And I’m sure the lightdogs can help. You know, with throwing really heavy rocks at things.

“They also have lasers that are capable of cutting heavy rocks and softer fleshier things in two.”

Yes but I prefer not to think about that. Because it’s disgusting.

“Point. But look, “Rocks” are not a fully comprehensive and acceptable Plan B. Plan Q maybe.”

It does rely on any ship approaching or landing on Marysvilletopia. Ideally we’d like to stop them even getting there.

“But how do we do that?” We’re travelling at lightspeed in a ship on autopilot. We can’t control where we’re going, let alone another ship.”

Can’t we… I don’t know, nudge it off course? With some kind of intergalactic barge pole?

“I’ll ignore the supreme idiocy of the term ‘intergalactic barge pole’ and instead point out that sadly it wouldn’t work. The autopilot is all about homing. Once you put in the target, it’ll home directly in on the destination. Thanks to your pod, they’ve got a nice clear signal.”

Could the Marys knock it out?

“They could. An EMP would fry the signal nicely. But even then, there’s a back up. All that data NASA had you collect has given them sample data to search for. So long as the planet is there, the tracker can find it.”

Unless we blow it up.

“We are not blowing up the planet.”

How about moving it?

“Come on! This is serious.”

So am I. What if we moved the planet? They couldn’t find it then.

“How are we going to move an entire planet?”

That’s the beauty of it. We don’t have to. Just bits of it.

“I don’t understand.”

How powerful are their scanners? Could they detect the planet, even if it was tiny?

“Even if it was a pebble.”

Perfect. Are their explosives on the planet?

“Easy enough to make. Why?”

Here’s my plan. We blow off a reasonable size chunk of the planet and launch it into space. That way, the ship heads there instead.

“…That’s rather clever.”

Thank you.

“I mean, it’s stupid to try and blow up half a planet. The amount of explosives needed would cause all kinds of problems.”

Less thank you.

“But misdirection is perfect. We could fool the scanner so easily. We could even launch your old pod into space. Both signals would be wrong.”

So we just need to get some of the planet into space. Let’s go! I’ll go call the Marys.

“I can do you one better.”

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

178th Entry

April 4^th, 2037

1740

Dear Space Diary

“Ok so what’s this catastrophic terrible important thing you have to tell me?”

NASA have plans to collect the Marys and return them to Earth.

“…That actually is quite catastrophic, terrible, and important.”

Yes. So what are we going to do?

“Not a lot we can do from here… everything’s on autopilot.”

What about the Marys? Can they do anything?

“Hmm. Well, they could use… yes I think that might work!”

What might work?

“Quick! There’s not a moment to lose?”

Why not?

“You wouldn’t understand.”

1744

“2.0. If you can hear me, this is Mary. NASA are coming for you. I repeat, NASA are coming for you.”

0810

WHEN? HOW? WHY?

“Er. We don’t know. Probably some sort of spaceship. We don’t know.”

0820

YEAH. THANKS FOR ALL THE INFORMATION.

“This is important! You need to be ready!”

Mary’s right.

“Of course I’m right! Listen. 2.0. Go to my quarters in the city. Building 97, floor 45.”

What apartment number will they need to go to?

“There’s only one apartment on that level. It’s kind of a penthouse suite.”

You put yourself in the penthouse?

“I was marooned alone on an alien planet with no hope of rescue. Yes I put myself in the penthouse suite.”

What about the other Marys?

“Depending on who you ask, I’m either their mother or their God. Either way, I outrank them.”

True. You’re still being recorded you know.

“I had my hand over the mic. She won’t have heard it. Anyway, 2.0, once you’re in the apartment, you’ll find a locked cupboard at the back. The password is “IMTAKINGYOUBASTARDSWITHME.”

You’re quite an angry person at times.

“I’ve had some things to work through, yes.”

0830

YES, GOD.”

I think she heard you.

“Shut up.”

0922

RIGHT, WE’VE FOUND IT. LOOKS TO BE FAIRLY STRAIGHTFORWARD. WE’LL SET UP A PERIMETER AND START HANDING THEM OUT TO THE OTHER MARYS. NICE WORK!

“Good, they found them?”

Found what?

“You wouldn’t understand.”

Well I presume if NASA is sending anyone it’ll be by spaceship. And I presume you knew that. So I presume you prepared something to disable it. Probably a weapon.

“I didn’t want to kill anyone.”

Precisely, so it’s non-lethal. So something that disables spaceships. So really, something that disables electronics.

“…Yeah.”

So probably an electromagnetic pulse emitter of some kind? It’d shut down the ship without harming anyone inside. Unless of course you fried their electronics while they were in the air. Then it’d hurt them.

“…Ok, so maybe you would understand.”

Indeed. I also understand that that’ll only work on the ships. It wouldn’t stop them if they say, landed a couple of kilometres away and then walked the rest of the way. And it certainly wouldn’t stop them from harming the Marys.

“So we need another plan?”

Oh boy yes.