199th Entry

May 30^th, 2037

1530

Dear Earth Diary.

Some men came and took 3.0 away. It didn’t sound like it was because we were communicating, I’m not sure they cared.

I still don’t know why she can’t talk. There’s only so much you can convey with taps, and while I can get a yes or a no out of her, I’m pretty sure neither of us feel like playing a game of 20 Disturbing Questions.

I feel bad for all those times I told her to shut up now.

Still, it’s good to know that she made it Earth in one… it’s good to know she made it to Earth.

I wonder if Mary’s okay.

“Hey!”

Yes?

“Delivery for you.”

I get deliveries?

“You get this one, at least.”

Oh. Well, thanks.

“No worries. We’re all big fans of you here, by the way.”

What?

“I said shut up, prisoner!”

Oh. I thought you said something else.

1532

It’s a letter from Mary!

Not Mary Mary. My fiancé Mary! Goodness, I’d almost forgotten about her.

Don’t tell her I said that.

You’re dead.

Oh God, she heard me. Wait, how can a letter hear me?

I mean it. They declared you dead. They told me you’d drifted off into space and probably will starve to death if you don’t hit an asteroid. They wanted to tell me you hadn’t suffered, but in all probability you suffered immensely.

So here I am, writing to a dead person. Hi, dead person.

It feels weird writing this. I guess I was expecting I would be more upset when I heard the news. My fiancé. Dead. My plans for the future. Gone. Nothing in front of me but a long, empty abyss of loneliness and despair.

Actually I’m feeling pretty good. Is that bad? Should I be guilty? Should I be guilty that I don’t feel guilty?

Sometimes you need a short sharp shock to realise that maybe the things you were certain about aren’t so certain after all. And I guess it doesn’t get shorter or sharper than “That guy you were going to marry? He’s dead.”

I’ve never been good at these types of letters. You’re never going to read it anyway. Being dead and all. NASA were nice, they said they would shoot this into space for me with their next launch. Send it out an airlock and let it drift. Maybe it’ll even run into you one day.

I really need to stop putting this off. I’m not glad you’re dead. But… I’m not upset that I won’t be marrying you. Does that make me a bad person? It probably does.

I guess I’m just a bad person then.

Hoping you enjoy eternity in space. And I hope you’re not too upset. I’d say there’s a wonderful girl around the corner, and there probably is. But she’s on Earth, and you’re in space. So it probably wouldn’t work.

Also you’re dead.

I should probably stop rubbing that part in.

Yours,

Mary.

198th Entry

May 30^th, 2037

1330

Dear Earth Diary.

I think I’m becoming an expert on sitting in small rooms with no hope of escape. I wonder if there’s some kind of award.

It’s been a tedious week. Tediouser. Which is now a word. I’m not even making this up, the World Word Council Committee officially voted it in while I was away. Also, there’s now a World Word Council Committee, which is nice, I guess.

Apparently there’s a February 29^th every year now. They decided it was too confusing only doing one every 4 years, so they just put them in.

I’ve no idea what day it actually is anymore.

Hard to believe I’ve only been away for just under 5 months. It feels like years. One of the news articles they stuffed under the door with my lunch was about me and how I’m younger than everyone else now because I’ve been travelling at light speed, blah blah blah maths. I didn’t understand a word of it but hey, I just flew the thing.

No word from Mary or 3.0, or anyone apart from whoever keeps asking me how I plead. He doesn’t seem too pissed that I refuse to answer, but then he doesn’t seem to stop asking either. Once a day like clockwork, how do I plead?

Somebody stopped by in person on the third day to ask what I made of the charges. I showed him. 837 paper cranes.

Ran out. AGAIN. Face it, I’m just never getting my wish granted unless I go out and grant it myself. Which is deep, and all, but also extremely unhelpful to my current predicament.

Also the cranes are all pointy and I keep stepping on them. This sucks.

I’m almost considering just saying guilty to whatever it is they pinned on me to get me out of this room. Maybe that’s what they want me to do.

I’m going to lie down.

1422

TAP TAP TAP

What was that?

TAP TAP TAP

Ok, why was that?

TAP TAP TAP

Yes, yes, very clever, you can tap. Anything else?

TAP TAP

Was that no?

TAP

Was that yes?

TAP

Can you hear me?

TAP

What does three taps mean then?

TAP TAP TAP

Fascinating.

THUMP

Ok, ok. Um, do you know who I am?

TAP

Do I know who you are?

…

Oh. Yeah. Tap Tap. Guess that was pretty stupid of me.

TAP

Are you NASA?

TAP TAP

Are you Secret Evil Government?

TAP TAP

Are you human?

TAP

…Mary?

TAP

MARY!

TAP TAP

Wait, Mary but not Mary. 3.0?

TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP

Ow! Ok, ok, it’s nice to hear from you too. Hang on, you can hear me.

TAP

Why can’t I hear you?

…TAP

Yes? That makes no sense.

…TAP

3.0?

TAP

…Why can’t you talk?

TAP TAP

Wait. You can’t talk?

TAP

3.0… Tell me, are you alright?

TAP

…

…

…

TAP

197th Entry

May 9^th, 2037

1631

Dear Space Diary

…It’s EMPTY?

“What does that mean?”

It means the fuel gauge is empty.

“Yes, but WHY is the fuel gauge empty?”

Because there’s no fuel left.

“Why are you avoiding the question?”

Because I don’t like the answer.

“What do you mean?”

Because. The only reason the fuel gauge would be empty is if this was a one way trip. In other words, they never meant to come back. On this ship at least.

“What are you doing?”

Looking out the window. There. I thought so. There’s sealant all around the ship. NASA’s cooked up something heavy duty. This little Interceptor is plugged into the side of the ship. Permanently. Which means –

“…That the only way to Earth is on this ship. We can’t escape them.”

Precisely. And that means only one thing.

“What’s that?”

We’re going to have to kill them.

1633

…Ok, I was expecting objections by this point.

“Why? Sounds good to me.”

“I’ve never met them, but… sure, why not?”

I was just being dramatic.

“We can probably get some knives from the kitchen.”

No.

“You’re right. Too much mess. Well, if we can get them into the airlock without their suits.

NOBODY is killing ANYBODY. Ok?

“But –“

OK?

…

“Ok.”

“Ok.”

We’ll have to incapacitate them somehow. But we’re not murderers. Agreed?

“Agreed.”

“Agreed.”

“Agreed.”

“Agreed.”

Excellent. Wait. How many people just answered?

“Four.”

“Four.”

“Two.”

“Two.”

…How long have you two been standing there?

“A good ten minutes dude. Psych-out!”

“Attempted escape. And attempted murder too. More charges to be laid.”

This isn’t what it looks like!

“And this isn’t knockout gas.”

PSSSSSSHHHHHHH

Actually I’m pretty sure it… oooooooooooh.

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP

May 23^rd, 2037

0750

Dear Space Diary.

Uuuugh. Where am I?

“How do you plead?”

Um… I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question.

“How do you plead?”

Am I in court right now?

“You are in a holding cell. How do you plead?”

I plead give me a few more minutes to wake up.

“Failure to answer will result in an automatic guilty plea.”

Not guilty! Not guilty!

“A verdict of not guilty has been recorded.”

Now, what was it I didn’t do?

“The charges will be sent to your cell to review before your trial.”

Does my lawyer also get a copy?

“Does who?”

Ah.

“This concludes the video conference.”

FZZZT

CLICK

Well. That was one of the stranger ways to wake up.

Unless I’m still dreaming. Which seems quite likely, given how freaking ridiculous that conversation was.

FZZZT

Great, more trial by television.

Hang on, it’s coming from over here.

0753

It’s a printer. It’s printing my charges.

Page 1 of… that number must be a typo.

0823

Or not. Still printing.

0845

CLICK

Well, that’s a lot of charges.

On the plus side, there’s no bedding in here, so I guess I should be grateful for small mercies.

One thing is certain though. I’m not in space anymore.

Dear Earth Diary.

196th Entry

May 9^th, 2037

1612

Dear Space Diary

“Thank goodness, they didn’t hear the colossal thump of you hitting the floor.”

Not colossal, surely?

“Earth shattering?”

No.

“Pachedermal.”

I’m done talking to you.

1620

Just successfully hacked my way into NASA’s Interceptor, by virtue of the fact that it wasn’t locked. I suppose they weren't really expecting to run into any thieves.

Wow, it’s tiny in here. They really weren't into wasting room. There’s a control panel, two chairs, and a door. There’s not even any beds.

Then again, it’s not a long flight from ground to orbit these days. Just further proof that this spaceship was built with the express purpose of taking us down.

I guess the rest of the ship must just be the engine. It’s even small than my pod was.

And yet still with more leg room.

Thanks, NASA.

1623

Guys, it’s clear. Come on in.

“Wow, it’s tiny in here. Are we all going to fit?”

It’ll be a squeeze, but we’ll manage it. It’s not a long flight to Earth.

“Wow. I’m gonna see Earth!”

You saw Earth this morning.

“Not the same as actually being on it.”

You won’t be able to see the woods for the trees.

“I don’t care.”

“Actually, it’s probably safer if we don’t land in the woods. You might want to aim for water or something.”

It’s a phrase… Wait, me?

“I’ve never flown a spaceship before.”

Neither have I!

“I haven’t either! Isn’t this exciting?”

More like terrifying.

“We’ll work it out. Come on, let’s go.”

What, now?

“Unless you want those two to come back.”

But, don’t we need to pack?

“It’s a short flight, you said. And soon we’ll be on Earth, where we’ll have everything we could ever need.”

Yeah, but…

“Although it might be an idea to pack some nutritional bricks just in case.”

No time. Let’s go.

“Where’s the door switch?”

There isn’t one. You pull it shut.

“Wow! That’s pretty high-tech.”

…We see the world quite differently.

PSSHHHHHHHHHHHT

“Ok, it’s locked. 3.0, you sit there. I don’t mind standing. I can strap myself into the emergency harness.”

“These are quite comfy.”

Much comfier than in my pod.

“Maybe it’s time to let that one go.”

Has anyone seen the ignition button?

“Here it is.”

CLICK

…

Funny, take offs are usually noisier than this.

“We haven’t moved.”

Did you get the dials working?

“No I looked at the window, at the inside of the other spaceship.”

“Hang on a second, if we go, we’re going to kill those two!”

They’ve got spacesuits. Those things can keep them alive for weeks before they run out. And if they seal off some of the ship, they won’t even have to use them until NASA come to their rescue.

“If NASA come to their rescue.”

Not our concern. That looks like a manual over there, pass it over.

“Here.”

Ok… Has anyone seen a pre-flight –?

“Um.”

What?

“Has anyone seen the fuel gauge?”

195th Entry

May 9^th, 2037

1600

Dear Space Diary

It’s time.

“Are you ready?”

I was born ready.

“Actually –“

I was having a moment.

“Sorry. Continue.”

…That was the moment.

“Moving.”

Are you ready?

“I’m as ready as a thing that is extremely ready.”

That’s less moving.

“But more accurate.”

3.0, are you ready?

“Hang on, give me a moment.”

“What needs doing?”

“I’m trying to come up with something cool to say about being ready.”

…You’re ready. Let’s go.

“No fair!”

1610

“Hold up. I think I see something.”

Do you think it’s -?

“Looks like it. Definitely not part of the ship.”

Why would they do that?

“Calling our bluff? We’re not going without you, or you’ll die?”

You have to admit it’s a compelling argument.

“What are you two whispering about?”

Shhhhh!

“3.0, we’re on a stealth mission, remember?”

“I would if you actually told me. You two have been ignoring me for the last five minutes.”

“We were being stealthy.”

“What and three people can’t be stealthy?”

“Actually –“

Please. Both of you.

“…Fine.”

“Ok.”

Since you ask, we were discussing the front of the spaceship over there that has impaled itself through our spaceship.

“Oh. I thought that was a cupboard.”

It’s not a cupboard.

“Why would they even design a ship to do that? Emergency connection with a space station? Highly exciting space battles?”

Only if they were happy with damaging the space station beyond repair. And NASA doesn’t actually fight a lot of exciting space battles. Or any space battles at all.

“So what did they design this for?”

Well, for us.

“You can’t be serious.”

I don’t recall seeing it on the books or prototypes before I left. And there’s no reason to build it except to do what it’s currently, well, doing. That is a custom, one of a kind space ship, designed with the express purpose of intercepting and crippling our space ship.

“Wow. We’re famous.”

They must really want you guys back.

“Wait. So when that ship leaves…”

“It’ll leave a gaping hole in the side of our ship. Depressurising it and expelling oxygen, supplies, and us.”

“I really hate NASA.”

Feeling is mutual.

“How do you know so much about NASA’s prototypes?”

I was in construction and maintenance before I was volunteered as a test pilot.

“Wow. You designed spaceships?”

Well, built them.

“You?”

Yes! Look it was nothing high-end, just the construction side of things.

“Ah. You were a grease-monkey.”

Not a lot of grease on space ships. I was a screw-monkey.

“Please never say screw-monkey again.”

“So what’s the plan?”

You and 3.0 wait here while I try and get on board.

“Ok… but be quiet!”

The gravity is off, remember? I can just float over, without a sound. Just wait here, I’ll be back soon.

“Good luck!”

“Go for it.”

…

…

…

VVVVVVWEEEEOOOOOOOO

“What was that?”

“Don’t worry.”

“Ok.”

“From the sound of it’s just the auto-repair system.”

…

“Hey –“

THUMP

“Gravity’s back on.”

194th Entry

May 9th, 2037

1355

Dear Space Diary

They say that you can be quite graceful in zero gravity.

They’re wrong.

After frantically trying to swim through the air (this does not work), I gave up and just waited until I floated near enough to the roof to pull myself over to the vent.

Right. Now to just unscrew the vent and… ah.

1403

At last, a screwdriver.

1405

Freedom! Vent based freedom! I’m pretty good at this whole escape thing, all factors considered.

Now to crawl through. If I run into any fans, I’ll just use my trusty… ah.

1422

So it’s actually quite hard to pry something off a wall without gravity. Best solution I found was stand on the wall, aim at the floor, and jump a lot while holding the pipe.

My head hurts. But At least I’ve got the pipe. It’s definitely thick enough to block and fans, though hopefully I won’t need to use it.

I’m pretty good at this whole escape – oh forget it.

1448

I think I’m lost.

1450

If I had a sense of direction, which direction would I go in?

1457

Not that way.

1530

“Isn’t he going to save us?”

“I’m sure he will.”

“I thought he was going to save us.”

“Give him time.”

“It’s been hours.”

“Give him more time.”

CLUNK

“Aah! What was that?”                                                                        

“It came from the vent.”

“Do you think NASA is trying to break in?”

“Yes.”

“AAAARGH!”

“It’s ok 3.0. Here’s what we’re going to do. First, take a deep breath.”

“Gasp.”

“Now breathe out.”

“pheeeeeeeeeeeew.”

“And now grab that scalpel that’s floating by your ear.”

“Could you maybe have told me about the scalpel first?”

“I wasn’t sure how’d you react.”

“…Ok that’s valid.”

“Now the moment you see anything come through the vent, throw the scalpel with all your force.”

“Ok. I can do this.”

“You can do this.”

When you two have quite finished.

“THROW THE SCALPEL!”

1535

“I am so sorry.”

Don’t worry about it.

“I am so sorry.”

No harm done.

“Only because aiming is really hard in zero gravity!”

Only because you can’t aim.

“Hey! Don’t be mean!”

Who just threw a scalpel at who?

“…I am SO sorry.”

Seriously. It’s ok. Please stop.

“So, it’s nice to see you and all, but what are we going to do from here? All we’ve really done is transfer you from one locked room to another.”

Like magic.

“Not in any way like magic.”

Well, now we’re all together, we can work out a way to escape.

“How? We’re on autopilot. We can’t change anything.”

But their ship isn’t.

“Their ship?”

How do you think they got here? They must have a ship. They can hardly link up with another ship by autopilot, so it must be freely controllable.

“Or piloted by NASA on the ground.”

Then we make them think we’re army dude and hippy face. And we make them fly us home.

“That’s kind of brilliant.”

Aren’t I?