134th Entry

March 23^rd, 2037

1000

Dear Space Diary

We thought we had no clones on board. Now we have one. So that’s a start I guess.

“A start, but unless you guys get started on procreation really quickly, we’re going to be stuck here for a very long time.”

“I’m ok with that.”

I’m not!

“Spoilsport.”

Besides, it would take too long, we’d have to, um, conceive pretty much non-stop for 30 years. Which is pretty much how long it’d take to get home anyway.

“But it’d pass the time.”

Mary, were you like this at her age?

“No. But then I’d been alive for 20 years at her age. She’s had three months to come to terms with adulthood, hormones and all. Remember your teenage years? Well speed them up about 22 times and that’s what she’s been through.”

I wish my teenage years had been sped up 22 times.

“Don’t we all. Anyway, the point I’m making, is, cut her some slack. Ok?”

…Ok.

“Great. Now say sorry.”

Sorry, Mary 3.0.

“It’s ok darling, I forgive you. But, could you call me Mary? Just Mary? There’s only the three of us now, surely I don’t need to be 3.0?”

“She’s right, it’s kind of superfluous.”

You’re right, I get it. But there’s still too of you. I know, how about I call you Young Mary, and I’ll call you –

“Don’t you dare.”

M1 and M2?

“We’re not bananas or freeways, so no.”

Mother Mary?

“Waaaaay too biblical.”

Well, what do I call you then?

“Well, no offense to the other one, but I was here first.”

“None taken.”

“So I think I should be just plain Mary. You can be Mary 2.0 now.”

“Well it is a promotion… no, wait I can’t do that. Mary 2.0 was so important to us! It’d be disrespectful to take her name.”

Well, ok, what do we call you, then? We can’t call you Mary, we can’t call you Mary 2.0?

“Well how about Mary 3.0?”

“Yeah that sounds good, I like it.”

…So we’re going to call you exactly what we’ve always called you?

“Good idea! That’s probably the simplest.”

“I agree.”

You’re both very strange.

1011

“I think I’ve worked out a way to get us home.”

You mean faster, I hope.

“Yes, faster. The engines are locked until the scanner detects an appropriate number of clones on board. So, we need more clones.”

But we’ve only got one. And unless you’ve got a cloning vat in your carry-on luggage, then I can only think of one way of getting many clones out of one. And I’m not entirely comfortable with the idea of chopping 3.0 into little tiny pieces.

“Aww, darling! You do care.”

“But we don’t have to chop her up. All it’s scanning for is her DNA in separate organic entities. So we just need to put her DNA in a hundred organic things.”

Organic?

“DNA?”

“Yes.”

“You mean… my DNA?”

What organic things?

“How’s the fruit supply?”

133rd Entry

March 23^rd, 2037

1800

Dear Space Diary

Well, that was an exceedingly boring day.

We’re still adrift.  In space.

It’s pretty dull. Don’t believe all that majesty of the cosmos stuff. I’ve done it twice, it’s boring. Nothing moves. At all.

Well, that’s not true, I guess. Plenty of things are moving very, very fast. But from our perspective, nothing is moving. It’s all too far away. I’m sure if we sat and watched it long enough we’d see them move. But I’m not that bored.

Yet.

Mary hasn’t come out of her room all day. I’m no psychologist, but I’m guessing the soul crushing defeat and the impending fate of decades of drifting in space, and possibly never even actually getting home may be getting to her.

That’s just a guess though.

March 25^th, 2037

0913

Another day of space.  We’re crawling by so slowly. Marysvilletopia - Splat, whatever - is still in sight. Three days in space and we haven’t even made any decent progress. We’ve gone from ‘being in space,’ to ‘being in space but slightly to the left.’

Starting to worry about Mary. She still hasn’t come out of her room in days. By room, I mean bunk room C, so she’s got about 75 beds to choose from and her own private lounge, but nonetheless it’s a little concerning that she hasn’t come out in a while. There’s only one kitchen and she hasn’t used it.

0923

I should go talk to her.

0927

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Mary, are you in there?

…Hello?

0931

She’s not in here.

The room is deserted.

Mary’s gone! She’s…

“Standing behind you?”

Aaargh!

0935

“Do you want some more ice?”

No, thank you.

“That’s a nasty looking bruise.”

Yes, remind me to return the favour.

“I’ll put it in my diary.”

Sooooo… Staying in your room for two days. What’s up with that?

“Are you trying to be cool?”

Not trying. Being.

“’Being to be cool’ is, in fact, not a correct sentence.”

That’s how cool I am.

“Are you going to be like this all the way home?”

Are we even going home?

“Let’s just say I haven’t ruled out the possibility of a possibility. If you must know, I was simply thinking. Trying to come up with a solution. What were you doing?”

…Wondering what you were up to.

“For two days?”

…Yes.

“Right. Well my brain works a little faster than yours.”

Oh great, so you’ve thought of a solution then?

“…shut up.”

Brilliant.

“But I’ve worked out how they scan for clones . There’s a ship wide scanner just… here, where I’m pointing. It scans in real time, but allowing for error if it doesn’t find a high enough level of clone presence, it shuts down. It’ll start up again it detects enough clones.”

So now we just need to get the clones to stand near the scanner, except, oh wait! WE SENT THEM AWAY. THERE’S. NO. CLONES. ON. THIS. SHIP!!

“Hi Darling!”

…Hello Mary.

132nd Entry

March 22^nd, 2037

2145

Dear Space Diary

How are they doing, Mary?

“You do know I get this information from the computer? The computer you could look at to? The computer you’re standing next to?”

Yeah but, the thing is…

“Yes?”

…I don’t know how.

“Oh. Well, you just push that button there.”

The green one?

“The green one, yes.”

Ok.

“Well done. So what’s it say?”

Ok… um, it says it’s tracking all pods, they’re heading away from the ship towards… Earth! We failed!

“No we haven’t, silly. Remember? I simply told them Earth was somewhere else. The system will say Earth, but where is it actually heading?”

I don’t know! I’m not a… space… know where things are… person!

“Sigh. Ok. See where I’m pointing?”

Space.

“Yes. Earth is that way. Marysvilletopia is that way. And which way are they heading?”

…that way!

“Right! So they’re going the right way.”

So we didn’t doom them to a life of living in a glass bubble with no freedom to leave?

“Sure we did. Just not on Earth.”

And not with NASA watching.

“I dunno, I’m starting to think NASA has less to do with this than we think. Based on your diary entries, I’m pretty sure somebody higher up is pulling the strings. I don’t think NASA is working for themselves anymore.”

…you’ve been reading my diary?

“Reading it? I’ve been living it. But, also, yes.”

I’m a little hurt.

“Do you want to sulk for a bit?”

2215

Yes.

“Well, that wasn’t a colossal waste of time.”

The pods are still heading in the right direction.  The clones are safe.

“As are we. We’re actually going home. Finally. There’s nothing that can stop us now!”

WARNING, CLONES NO LONGER DETECTED. SHUTTING DOWN ENGINES. ONCE CLONE PRESENCE IS RESTORED, ENGINES WILL BE REACTIVATED.

…You had to say it, didn’t you?

“At least it’s not raining.”

Stop it!

2225

“Well, the good news is although the engines have stopped, we haven’t. We’re still moving at the same speed we were when the engines fired.”

What’s the bad news.

“Which one?”

There’s more than one bad news?

“Yes.”

Just tell me.

“First up, we’re not travelling at faster than light. They hadn’t fired up yet. And since they have faster than light, they haven’t really bothered putting in hugely powerful engines in. So we’re travelling at much, much less than light speed.”

So how long will it take us to get home?

“About 30 years.”

It’s going to take us longer to get home than it took you to get here?

“If we stay on course, yes. If we drift off, or get pulled off by the gravity of something large, we may never get home.”

Well, that sucks.

It’s lucky life support wasn’t linked to the scanners. Then we could have chosen to starve, freeze, or suffocate.”

So we’re stuck?

“Unless there’s a clone on board.”

And we just got rid of all the clones.

“Yup. Aren’t we just super?”

131st Entry

March 22^nd, 2037

2130

Dear Space Diary

“All pods loaded and ready for launch!”

…Can we do this?

“We can. They’re ready, it’s set. It’s now or never.”

Well, given the choices… now!

CLICK

Good evening, Marys. The pods are now ready to launch. Doors are armed, and we’re about to set you on your way. Mary thinks the light drive is going to kick into gear any minute now, so I’ll keep this short.

The pods you’re in are very similar to the ship I myself used to land on Splat, with a few luxury extras. Like legroom. And seating for more than one person.

It won’t be a terribly long flight, but you do have food through tube dispensers. There is an option for bathroom use, but trust me, you might just prefer to hold on.

Entertainment wise, the computers in front of your seats have a selection of books, and one movie. Unfortunately, it’s not a very good movie.

Also, there’s the solitaire. I recommend the solitaire.

Also, you appear to have airbags. That’s nice, because that brings me to my next point. This ship is great at taking off. Really good. The best.

What’s it no so good at, is landings. It tends to just head for the ground and let gravity do the rest. You do have rockets, and you’re more than welcome to try using them, but given, a) they’re quite complicated, and b) we haven’t had time to teach you, that’d either make things better or much, much worse. The choice is yours, but I will say from painful, painful experience that your pods are strong. Very strong. They can take an absolute beating and will get you on the ground safely.

As long as safely includes bruised, battered, a massive headache, and possible several hundred metres underground.

But you’ll be travelling much slower than I was so you’ll be fine.

Probably.

Hopefully.

…So! Any questions?

“Just one.”

Yes, Mary?

“Whatever happened to keeping this short?”

…Any other questions? No? Ok, launch.

CLICK

Goodbye, Marys. Enjoy your new life. Oh, and one last thing.

“Sigh.”

Shut up, Mary. This is important.

We don’t know how NASA are going to react. We are stealing their project from them. That’s you guys, in case you’ve not joined the dots. Now I’m quite happy to do this, we’ve no love for NASA’s benefactors and you’ve got your own choices to make. But they probably won’t be happy. We’ll deal with that when we return to Earth, but I can’t promise they won’t come after you. We are, after all, in the ship built and designed specifically to do that.

So, be careful. If you see a ship turn up, hide. Get the lightdogs to build a hiding place. Somewhere underground, possibly. Up to you. But don’t trust anyone. The only people coming will be NASA, or the people who hired NASA. And I’m pretty sure you won’t want to meet either of them.

Be safe.

Goodbye.

130th Entry

March 22nd, 2037

2104

Dear Space Diary

“…Can I come with you?”

“We need you. You’ve looked after us. Mary 2.0 raised us, but you gave us life?”

“Well, I kind of just facilitated. NASA created the facility.”

“The first facility.”

“The one I blew up, killing everyone inside.”

“But then you rebuilt from the ashes a new facility, the facility that came after.”

“If you turn me into a religion I will punch you so hard…”

“Please. Don’t get ahead of yourself. But we’d like you to come with us.”

“Thank you. I know you ask out of love, and I really do appreciate it. But I’ve been away from Earth, for over 20 years now. I’ve been away long enough. I’m… I’m tired. I just want to go home.”

“…we understand.”

“Just you, or do you have some kind of weird clone based telepathy powers?”

“WE UNDERSTAND”

Don’t encourage them, Mary.

“It’s ok, Mary. It’s sad you won’t be with us, but you deserve to go home. At least Mary 2.0 is going with us.”

Well, all sorted then! Let’s get you off this ship.

2123

Everyone aboard? Sound off, please!

“Pod 1 full!”

“Pod 2 full!”

“Pod 3 full!”

2127

“Pod 46 full!”

“Pod 48 full!”

Pod 49 full!”

Ok, and Bobo, had the 50^th. We’re set! Preparing to launch.

“Hang on, what about Pod 47?”

Pod 47, what’s going on?

“It’s Mary 2.0!”

What about her?

“She won’t fit through the door!”

She’s not that large, what’s the problem?

“It’s my tank, moron. It’s too tall to fit through the door.”

What? Haven’t you finished growing yet?

“I’m sorry if regrowing almost my entire body from scratch is messing with your plans.”

Ok, ok, sorry, that was uncalled for. What if we took the wheels off?

“Still too tall. Besides, you’re too weak to push me through. Also, you don’t have time to be insulted, so let’s just keep moving, shall we?”

Ok, well what if we tipped you on your side, then tried to push you through at an angle?

“I’m not a bookshelf, you idiot, trust me when I say this tank will not fit.”

Well, then you’re going to have to stay. If they don’t leave now, they can’t leave.

“I’m not going to Earth! If I meet NASA I’ll kill them. I want to be as far away as possible from them and all their bloody plans.”

So you’re going to live in a city they built, staffed by robots they made, with clones they grew?

“…Oh shut up. You’re useless.”

TANK DISENGAGED

What are you doing?

“Getting home.”

But you’re not finished regrowing yet?

“It would seem I’ve out of time.”

PSSSSSHHHHHHHHTTTTT

SPLASH

“Um, 2.0?”

“Yes, clones?”

“We are grateful that you raised us, and thrilled your coming with us, but…”

“What?”

“Did you have to open the tank while we were downstream?"

“…Sorry about that.”

2.0, are you ok?

“Fine. Don’t have a leg to stand on, but I’m fine.”

129th Entry

March 22^nd, 2037

1900

Dear Space Diary

There goes Bobo. Alas, we hardly knew ye.

“That’s not the actual line, you know.”

Oh like you’ve read Hamlet.

“20 years. In space. With Books.”

He’s going to be out of range soon.

“Don’t worry, he’ll be safe. I’ve got the schematics loaded. These pods are… well, they’re a lot like your ship. In fact, they pretty much are your ship.”

Only with an autopilot. In which case, we’re stuck. We can’t override them. The pods are useless.

“Fortunately, no. This is an almost exact replica of your pod. Their wondrous design obviously didn’t extend to safety measure.”

Why am I not surprised?

“Well, not one to defend them, but the orders from their financiers probably didn’t include safety precautions. They didn’t want the clones leaving the ship after all, so why give them the option? NASA probably snuck in what they could.”

Possibly.

“But that’s not what I’m getting at. The thing is, they are EXACTLY the same as your ship. Meaning, no autopilot.”

Then who’s flying Bobo’s pod?

“At a guess, NASA. They could program in coordinates over the radio, that would override its basic homing system. If they’ve preprogrammed the pods to Earth, they wouldn’t need an autopilot, they just need to punch in Earth’s coordinates, and tell it to “head that way”. This is space. It’s pretty much straight all the way.”

So can we change the program? Surely NASA could just change it again if they’re listening in?

“I can fix that.”

You can jam NASA’s radio frequency?

“Something like that.”

1945

So now I know how long it takes to rip out 50 radio antennas.

2045

“Ok, that was easy enough.”

Told it to head to Marysvilletopia?

“Sort of. Turns out NASA are a little smarter than I gave them credit for. The homing coordinates Earth are hard-coded. Couldn’t tell it to go to another planet.”

So I ripped out all those antennas for nothing?

“Let me finish. I can’t tell it to go to anywhere but Earth.”

So…

“So, I told it Earth was somewhere else.”

…that seems suspiciously easy.

“I know. But I’ve triple checked it. The ship quite happily thinks it’s going to Earth. It’s just that instead of over here, Earth is over there.”

Excellent! Nothing like lying to a computer.

“Pretty much.”

2103

“Any further questions before you head into the pods?”

Remember, you’ll have to be quick. We’re starting to get out of range.

“So the ships are safe?”

We’re scanning Bobo, he’s alive and well and on his way to our solar system.

“But ours will go to Marysvilletopia?”

“That’s right, we’ve reprogrammed them to head straight there, and stopped NASA from being able to reprogram them. You can go, but you have to go now, or you could end up drifting in space. Trust me, that’s not fun.”

“So, we’re free?”

“You’re free.”

“Then we’ve one question for you Mary.”

“Ask away.”

“Can you come with us?”

128th Entry

March 22^nd, 2037

1805

Dear Space Diary

CLICK

Could all Marys please come to the main living area.

1823

Thank you all for coming. Eventually.

“Sorry. There was something good on the tv.”

What was it?

“Bobo. He was doing tricks until he fell off.”

Most amusing.

“We told him to stop, but he just kept doing them.”

He’s funny like that. Right. So. I’ve got some good news for you all.

“We’re not in space?”

No, we are still in space.

“Cause that sounds like bad news.”

The good news is we’ve found you a way back to Maysrvilletopia. There are escape pods below deck, and if we launch them soon, we should be able to get you back safely.

“Then what are we waiting for! To the pods!”

Single file people, single file!

“No time! To the escape pods!”

The ladder is only wide enough for one person.

“…single file, people, single file!”

1843

“I’m not so sure about this.”

What’s the problem?

“Well, NASA made these pods, right?”

Presumably.

“The same people that hard coded the autopilot to go to Earth.”

Yes that’s them.

“In other words, they may not want us going anywhere else.”

Yes.

“So why have they given us escape pods?”

…Ah.

“How do we know it’s safe? You can’t make us go in there! I demand you make sure they’re safe first!”

Ok, ok, so you want me to launch one of the pods and test if it’s safe?

“Yeah! We refuse to get in the pod until they’re tested!”

Ok, who wants to volunteer to test them?

1848

Anyone?

“But what if it isn’t safe?”

Then we’ll know it isn’t safe.

“But what happens to the person who tests it?”

They’ll know it isn’t safe too.

“Oh.”

Somebody is going to have to volunteer if you want it tested.

“I think you should test it.”

But I’m going to Earth. I don’t want to go back to Splat.

“Marysvilletopia.”

That too. Somebody who’s going to the planet formally known as Splat needs to test it.

“Ah.”

So you won’t get into the pods without testing them first?

“No.”

And nobody here is willing to test them?

“…”

Well, it appears than that you’re coming to Earth.

“…yeah.”

I’m sorry. The offer is there, but we’ll be out of range in a day or so. You need to decide. Otherwise –

WOOF!

Exactly, Bobo, exactly.

WOOF!

Yes, you’ve said that.

GRRRR.

What do you want?

ARF!

“He’s getting in the pod!”

Bobo!

“He’s pressing the launch button! He’s going to launch the pod!”

“That’s one well trained dog.”

Don’t worry, I’ll stop him. Bobo –

“BOBO! Get out of the escape pod!”

…oh dear.

TSSSSSHHHHHHH

BOOM

“…Bobo’s gone.”

…quick! To the cockpit!

1853

Can we stop it Mary?

“There’s no link between the pods. Once it’s launched, it’s gone.”

What’s going to happen to him?

“Well, the default is he’ll home in on the nearest habitable planet, so… wait, it’s turning.”

Where’s it’s headed?

“…Earth.”