Twenty-First Entry

March 4^th, 2037

0725

Dear Space Diary.

NASA are still a little grumpy with me after I had the nerve to point out that their plan to blast me out of this hole in the ground was intrinsically flawed, basically because it relies using the ftl drive to fly me out.

Which we pretty much broke accidentally on purpose. So that’s out.

They’ve been mostly silent since then, only responding to my requests for updates with blunt replies that they’re working on it. I think I managed to hurt their pride.

Problem is: they’re my only hope. There’s really not much I can do for myself. About the only thing I have the power to do is move the camera. Can’t even stop eating, the system force feeds me if it detects I haven’t used it for 24 hours.

Honestly if I’d known this was going to happen I would never have blasted off in the… wait.

0900

Asked NASA how likely it was we have fuel left in the conventional rockets we used to leave Earth before the ftl drive was activated, and if there was any way of testing if they still worked.

1100

No response from NASA. Not sure if it’s because my idea was stupid or because they’re annoyed they didn’t think of it first.

Guess we’ll just have to –

1110

Well the good news is the rockets work.

The less good news is NASA are continuing their fine tradition of not telling me before they do anything. I was busy entering my last post when the rockets fired.

I am now upside down.

1130

Message from NASA, they’re about to try firing the conventional rockets to see if they work. Evidently the rocket signals got here first.

Better tell them it worked before they try again.

1230

NASA have advised that while it’s good the rocket works, they still can’t coordinate fast enough with long distance transmissions to effectively get me out. Which is a problem. But they have found a solution! Good.

They’re going to transfer control to the engines to me, and I can manually fly the ship out.

Less good.

NASA, I’ve been around spaceships enough to do some basic wiring work, but I’m not a pilot. I could end up putting this thing back into orbit. Do you honestly think I can do this?

1400

No. No they do not.

Great…

Twentieth Entry

March 3^rd, 2037

0800

Dear Space Diary.

Current Status of Mission:

Stuck Down a Hole

Current Mission Objective:

Get Out of Hole

Personal Goals & Aspirations:

Not Be Stuck in a Hole

NASA, after trying various unsuccessful ways to bribe me into exploring the planet they very cleverly managed to crash me in to, have finally admitted that the space tow truck they’re sending to get me won’t actually be able to fish me out of the hole that they’ve landed me in. Unless they or I can think of a way to get this ship to the surface, I’m stuck down here.

So it appears I’m going exploring. Or at least, I will be, once I get out of there. There’s literally nothing to see down here. It’s too dark to even see the rock surrounding me, though presumably if I could look up I would see a light at the end of the tunnel.

How very metaphorical.

In fact, that’s probably the first thing to work out. I’m strapped in pretty well, but as far as I can ascertain, gravity is… that way. Effectively I’m facing straight down, so it looks like the ship had a pretty clean ride after impact. This rock must be extremely soft.

So, if I’m going to get out of here, I need to turn this ship so I’m facing upwards.

NASA have been quiet for a while now. Any ideas yet, guys?

1400

Nope.

1500

Finally a response. NASA advised their plan is to turn me around is to fire the engines in very short bursts to spin the craft around, and then fire them to shoot me back out the same way I came in.

Which sounds like an excellent plan, except:

1. Given how far away we are, it will be very difficult to control the engines with that amount of precision. If you fire it in the wrong direction, it’ll take half an hour for the message to correct it to come through.
2. As I’ve reminded NASA on numerous occasions, the reason I’m out here in the first place is because once you turn the ftl drive on, you can’t actually turn it off again.
3.  Most importantly, we just spent the last two weeks breaking the very engines you now wish to use.

Your move, guys.

1700

NASA have advised me that they don’t like my tone.

Nineteenth Entry

March 2^nd, 2037

0600

Dear Space Diary.

NASA have sent me three different mission reports this morning, with a list of criteria they’d like me to check for, and possible scenarios to get myself and possibly this craft out of this rather large hole and on to the surface.

Coincidentally, that’s exactly the number of files I’ve deleted this morning.

Since I know you’re reading this NASA, I will establish once again that I have no intention of doing any research, exploration, or indeed, any other kind of work for you. I signed a contract to be a pilot for a test flight to the edge of the solar system and back. Given I’m now in a completely different Solar System and stuck 90 metres underground on a mystery planet known only as Splat, I feel very disinclined to help you out.

Sorry. But I’m ready to go home now.

0700

NASA just sent me a very angry message telling me that this is a historic opportunity to get data about another planet that may never be available again, and it would be a crime against humanity for me to refuse.

This is certainly true, and I understand where you’re coming from.

However: Not in my job description. Not even a little bit.

1100

NASA have written back, much more politely this time, saying Mission Control have very kindly offered me a pay rise and an extra bonus should I kindly consent to assist them with the extra work load.

I replied with a polite thank you for the offer and included a rough breakdown of the current funds owed based on my existing salary, plus previously promised bonuses, plus off peak loading, plus overtime, plus double overtime for extended work hours, plus interest.

Based on this, I felt additional pay was not needed at this time, and so felt I must decline.

1300

NASA just messaged to ask if I liked puppies. Can’t help but feel they’re scraping the bottom of the barrel here. Also a puppy is not all that much use to me until I get home, whereupon I can afford to buy 900 puppies.

So again, no.

1400

NASA have messaged me again. The ship they’re sending to get me won’t actually be able to pick me up to return to Earth unless I can get out of this hole.

1600

So about that pay rise…

Eighteenth Entry

March 1^st, 2037

0730

Dear Space Diary.

I am not, in fact, dead, although if I had been it would have at least saved me the last 72 hours.

The ship smashed into the ground at approximately 1630 on February 25^th. According to the ship’s clock (which after the crash, I’m not entirely sure I trust, but that’s another matter) It’s now March 1^st.

On the bright side, the engines have stopped, meaning as far as crash landing into an unexplored alien world goes, I think we can consider it a success.

Ow, though. I think I must have hit my head on the way down. Hopefully the next prototype has airbags.

I spent a large amount of that time unconscious, and the rest of that time screaming at NASA to stop all their various attempts to communicate with me. Which I received perfectly. Including the twenty four hour siren they played at me.

Ow.

It’s a good thing you’re more than a solar system away, NASA, that’s all I’m saying.

But, I did at least get the communication system working again, which ironically meant that NASA have stopped talking to me. I consider that a win all round.

1030

NASA just asked me to send a detailed report of my surroundings, and have advised I have 48 hours to complete.

1035

Report done.

1045

Sent report to NASA. They’re probably not going to like it, but there’s not much I can do. See, I can’t actually see my surroundings. I’m surrounded by blackness. Camera’s down so all that I can see is out my window, which as I’ve indicated is not a lot.

Now, this is only a theory, but I think the ground was a lot softer than they had previously anticipated. Instead of merely hitting the ground I think the ship has gone straight through it. Which means I’m probably a long way underground. At the bottom of a very deep hole.

Great.

NASA if you get this, can you please confirm.

1300

<INCOMING TRANSMISSION>

PLEASE ENSURE THAT REQUESTED REPORTS MEET THE MINIMUM WORD COUNT.

FOR REFERENCE, THE MINIMUM WORD COUNT IS NOT “1”.

SCANNERS CONFIRMED YOUR THEORY. YOU ARE 300 FEET INTO CRUST OF THE PLANET. WORKING ON ADJUSTING MISSION PERAMETERS FOR EXPLORATION.

<END TRANSMISSION>

1330

NASA, I’m not exploring. You stuck me here, now get me home.

1340

Also: The Metric System. Look it up.

Seventeenth Entry

February 25^th, 2037

1700

<INCOMING TRANSMISSION>

COME IN. THIS IS NASA. DID THE CRAFT LAND SUCCESSFULLY? PLEASE RESPOND.

1800

THIS IS NASA. PLEASE RESPOND WITH THE CURRENT STATUS OF THE MISSION. DID THE CRAFT LAND SUCCESSFULLY?

1900

PLEASE RESPOND. PROJECT COMMANDER NEEDS A STATUS UPDATE. HE HAS $50.00 ON YOUR FAILURE.

2200

NO RESPONSE RECEIVED. PILOT IS DEAD. PLEASE ALLOCATE WINNINGS ACCORDINGLY.

<END TRANSMISSION>

February 27^th, 2037

0910

<INCOMING TRANSMISSION>

THIS IS NASA. ARE YOU RECEIVING?

IT HAS BEEN SUGGESTED THAT YOU MIGHT IN FACT NOT BE DEAD.

PLEASE CONFIRM.

1000

NO RESPONSE. DEATH CONFIRMED.

1600

ANOTHER POSSIBILITY HAS ARISEN. ARE YOU IN FACT ALIVE, BUT UNABLE TO COMMUNICATE?

PLEASE CONFIRM.

1730

NO RESPONSE. UNABLE TO CONFIRM. COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS MAY BE DAMAGED.

TO CONFIRM IF ABLE TO TRANSMIT TO CRAFT, A LOUD SIREN WILL BE PLAYED.

WHEN YOU HEAR THE LOUD SIREN, PLEASE RESPOND.

<END TRANSMISSION>

February 28^th, 2037.

1729

<INCOMING TRANSMISSION>

NO RESPONSE TO LOUD SIREN AFTER 24 HOURS. TURNING OFF SIREN.

1800

COMMAND SUGGESTS THAT PERHAPS YOU CAN RECEIVE TRANSMISSIONS BUT ARE UNABLE TO RESPOND, WHICH IS WHY YOU DID NOT RESPOND TO OUR EARLIER TEST.

WE APOLOGISE FOR THE SIREN.

IT IS POSSIBLE YOU ARE FEELING STRESSED AT THIS JUNCTURE.

COMMENCING SOOTHING MUSIC.

<END TRANSMISSION>

2100

<INCOMING TRANSMISSION>

NOW THAT YOU ARE SUITABLE RELAXED, WE ARE TRANSMITTING TROUBLESHOOTING INSTRUCTIONS FOR COMMUNICATION SYSTEM.

·         ATTEMPT RESTART OF COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS.

·         REROUTE COMMUNICATION THROUGH FLIGHT ENGINE CPUS

·         DISABLE FOOD AND LIFE SUPPORT (NOTE – TEMPORARILY!)

·         OPEN PANEL 7

·         PLUG CABLE ‘C’ INTO SOCKET ‘F’. (SEE DIAGRAM)

·         CLOSE PANEL 7

·         PERFORM 2ND RESTART OF COMMUNICATION SYSTEM

·         ENABLE FOOD AND LIFE SUPPORT

·         PERFORM 3RD RESTART OF COMMUNICATION SYSTEM

·         USE SHIP CAMERA TO SPOT ANY VISIBLE DAMAGE

·         PEFORM 4TH AND FINAL RESTART OF COMMUNCATION SYSTEM

·         KICK CONSOLE ‘A’ WITH FOOT ‘B’ (SEE DIAGRAM)

IF ALIVE, PLEASE FOLLOW ALL INCLUDED STEPS TO RESTORE COMMUNICATION.

IF DEAD, PLEASE DISREGARD THIS MESSAGE.

<END TRANSMISSION>

2300

<INCOMING TRANSMISSION>

NO RESPONSE AS YET RECEIVED. DO YOU WISH US TO RESUME THE SOOTHING MUSIC?

<END TRANSMISSION>

March 1^st, 2037

0600

<INCOMING TRANSMISSION>

COMMUNICATION PING WAS DETECTED AT 0200. YOUR COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS MAY BE COMING ONLINE.

WE HAVE INFORMED THE COMMANDER THAT YOU’RE ALIVE.

HE HAS AGREED TO RETURN WINNINGS.

PLEASE RESPOND. NEW MISSION INSTRUCTIONS ARE READY.

<END TRANSMISSION>

0700

Dear Space Diary.

I hate you all so very much.

Sixteenth Entry

February 25^th, 2037

0630 – 10 HOURS UNTIL IMPACT


Dear Space Diary.


NASA have informed they’ve started turning the ship in preparation for the crash. Seems a bit early to me. However with the speeds I’m travelling at, they need to be very careful that I simply don’t ricochet straight off the planet’s atmosphere like some kind of nuclear powered skipping stone and hurtle out into the cosmos in some random direction. Better them than me.


Wait.


0730 – 9 HOURS


Turning going well, apparently. The planet “Splat” is now visible in the distance. It looks… pink?


Seriously NASA? Out of all the planets you could have picked, you have to go for pink?


For future reference, my favourite colour is blue.


0830 – 8 HOURS


NASA have informed me that the only two other options were a planet composed entirely of molten metal and a curiously swamp covered planet, that looked quite lovely but also had an atmosphere consisting mainly of lead.


They debated sending me there anyway so I could take samples of the swamp in the few minutes before I died, but in the end the pink planet won the final round of elimination.


0930 – 7 HOURS


Apparently rock beat scissors.


1030 – 6 HOURS


Planet quite close now. It’s still pink, but I’m starting to be able to see some mountain formations. It looks quite flat towards the top, which is good, because that’s where I’m heading.


1130 – 5 HOURS


Update from NASA, due to a calculation error they’re not going to be able to hit the landing zone they picked, the ship would overshoot. Redirecting to a new potential landing site. I’m to await further instructions.


1230 – 4 HOURS


Still no word on NASA regarding new landing site.


1330 – 3 HOURS


Contact from NASA! They’ve found a new location they can steer me to in time. Course redirections inbound. Entering atmosphere in two hours’ time. They’ve shut off food and tube systems in preparation for landing.


1430 – 2 HOURS


I REALLY need to use the bathroom NASA.


1530 – 1 HOUR


Entering atmosphere.


1540


Ship starting to heat up. Flames are flaring around the outside of the ship. The sound is deafening.


1550


I’m going to die, aren’t I?


1600


Yes. I’m definitely going to die.


1610


I’m through! Into the atmosphere! Maybe I won’t die after all.


1620


Oh that’s right, the ground.


1630


Maybe it won’t -

Fifteenth Entry

February 24 th , 2037 – 1 DAY UNTIL IMPACT

1111

Dear Space Diary.

I crash into a planet tomorrow. I know I’m going on about this NASA. I can’t help but feel I deserve a little sympathy. Because I’m crashing into a planet tomorrow.

Nobody has done this before. We’ve been to the moon, sure, but that was a controlled, planned landing. And their engine was equipped with certain luxury extras.

Like brakes.

See, NASA can’t actually turn off the engine. In their defence, it was designed to be turned off, but that’s not much of a defence because it can’t. This leaves me trapped out here. I was meant to be home three days ago, but instead I am out of our solar system, past Alpha Centauri and hurtling into unknown space. It has been mapped out, but only by telescope from a very long way away. Like if Columbus had decided to stay on the Santa Maria and map out all of America using his spyglass.

So - as they can’t stop the engine from their end - they’re going to perform an emergency stop by crashing me into the planet currently known as Splat. They hope that this will knock the engine out of commission, allowing me to stay still while they send another ship to come get me. I’m told this involves a lot of very complex mathematics, and with the current angle and trajectory, I’m going to hit close to North Pole of the planet, heading almost straight “down”, although that direction doesn’t make a whole lot of sense in space.

1311

NASA have messaged me. The expected time of impact is 1634 tomorrow, on the 25 th February, 2037. The ship will begin it’s decent at 1634, and they will enter the atmosphere as near head on as possible to slow the ship before impact.

The ship is designed to withstand very high force impacts in case of asteroids in space, so it should escape with only moderate damage to the structure, meaning the cabin should retain most of its shape.

They’re not so sure how the seatbelts will fare. They’re eager to find out.

1345

NASA have forwarded me a scan of the expected landing zone. It looks reassuringly flat, but unreassuringly hard. They’ve told me the rock is extremely soft and pleasant, comparatively speaking.

1545

Weather 7° Celsius.

Showers later in the day, then fine.

Fourteenth Entry

February 23^rd, 2037 – 2 DAYS UNTIL IMPACT

0900

Dear Space Diary.

NASA woke me up bright an early with a report about the planet I’m due to crash in to in two days which – hopefully not in respect to my chances of survival – they have codenamed “Splat.”

Not a whole lot of new information. In fact pages 4-73 are simply labelled “FILL IN WHEN YOU GET THERE”, so this report seems to be more for their benefit than mine.

But Splat is fairly dry (no oceans to be seen), and has an atmosphere that is breathable, much in the same way that a Christmas tree is edible. Still, should I ever go outside I at least won’t asphyxiate for an hour or so. Not that I plan on going outside. Sorry, NASA, forget any exploration. If I survive this, I’m staying right here in this capsule until you come and get me.

Although a non-tube-related toilet trip would be something of a luxury.

This is all well and good, NASA, but the critical aspect that you seem to have left out of this report is the crash itself, which is arguably the most important part. While “Splat” sounds very interesting, if you recall you are going to smash me straight into the side of it.

Please respond with further information on the above. Thank you.

1330

After a rather longer silence than I would have liked, NASA have sent me two messages.

The first rather bluntly says that they haven’t forgotten that I’m about to crash into a planet.

They second message wished to clarify that I won’t be smashing into the side of it. In fact, I’ll be hitting closer to the North Pole, so it’s arguably the “top” that I will be smashing in to.

No further messages.

1950

Finally! NASA have finally sent me some instructions on what to do in the event of a crash. Let me see.

ASSUME A BRACE POSITION WITH HEAD BETWEEN KNEES AND ARMS CROSSED.

Good advice.

IN THE EVENT OF DEPRESSURISATION, OXYGEN MASK WILL BE DEPLOYED.

Very good. I approve.

PLEASE TURN OFF ELECTRONIC DEVICES DURING LANDING, AND RETURN IN-FLIGHT MAGAZINE.

…What?

NASA, have you just sent me an airplane safety card?

2030

NASA denies plagiarising in-flight safety advice.

2032

There’s a Singapore Airlines logo on it.

2355

NASA has advised that there may have been a little bit of plagiarising.

Thirteenth Entry

February 22^nd, 2037 – 3 DAYS UNTIL IMPACT

0843

Dear Space Diary.

23 hours, and 291 repeats of “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” later, NASA have finally worked out how to turn the music off. Despite the instructions I received, I am extremely worried and not at all happy, although before the music stopped I was beginning to look forward to crashing into the nearest planet, so I guess that’s something.

0915

NASA have promised to not try and reduce my stress in future. This has calmed me down immensely.

0925

I just realised according to the original schedule I should have been back on Earth yesterday. Evidently I’ve missed that particular window. I should ask NASA what they’ve said regarding my absence.

1035

NASA have forwarded me a copy of yesterday’s newspaper. I can only assume the following article refers to me.

<ATTACHMENT>

AN ENLIGHTENING JOURNEY

- Faster Than Light Mission Extended.

NASA officials universally voted to prolong their highly successful and informative test of the new faster than light (ftl) technology, originally due to return today.

“The ship performed even better than we expected” a key official was quoted as saying. “So we’ve decided to keep the ship going, as this is an amazing opportunity to test its effects outside of our own solar system. Everything will be fine so long as we don’t crash into a planet or anything, although you shouldn’t be surprised if that happens,” he joked.

NASA also announced due to their new sponsorship deal with PETA that competition winner “Bobo the Wonder Dog” will be the first animal to be sent into space in 50 years. NASA have yet to confirm dates, but…”

<END ATTACHMENT>

What follows is a 6 page spread about Bobo, the dog that has won the heart of the world.

1410

NASA have found me a planet to crash into. I’m not sure what my response to that is supposed to be.

The planet, which they’ve codenamed Splat, is a small, fairly rocky planet with no visible oceans and an atmosphere that has been described as “Mildly Lethal” in the report they’ve sent me. The rock where I’ll be landing is very soft and sponge like, and is the nearest planet to provide a change of survival in the double digits.

NASA have begun adjusting the steering of the ship. I’m going to crash in three days’ time.

2210

Stupid Bobo.

Twelfth Entry

February 21^st, 2037 – 4 DAYS UNTIL IMPACT


0501


Dear Space Diary.


I can’t sleep.


I haven’t actually slept all that well for the past 5 weeks. There has been plenty to keep me occupied. Reschedules, technical faults, a sense of impending doom. Those kinds of things. Oh, and the constant reminder that I am in fact trapped in a small capsule hurtling through a vacuum. That’s a fairly big one. Despite this, I haven’t actually had all that much to do. The ship, when it was under control, was being steered and directed by NASA from Earth.


Now that it’s out of control, it more or less steers itself.


Sigh.


0530


NASA have taken this opportunity to remind me of all I’ve achieved so far.


· Nobody has ever travelled further than Mars before. I have.
· Nobody has travelled faster than light before. I have.
· Nobody has travelled beyond our solar system. I have.
· Nobody has ever folded 328 paper cranes in zero-gravity. I have.


They’re not so impressed with that last one.


And now, I was going to be the first person to ever land onto another planet.


By which they mean crash land. This is NASA’s solution to my predicament. They can’t slow the ship down, so they’ll never be able to turn the ship around to get me home. They have another ship they can use to tow me back to Earth, but given it can’t travel as fast as I can, it’ll never catch up. Unless they can slow me down.


To their credit, they’ve thought of a way. But as that way involves slamming me into a planet and then towing whatever’s left back to Earth, I’m less than thrilled by their solution.


But it’s not like I have much of a say. I can only sit here while they look for a suitably soft planet.


So, I can’t sleep. And I’m more than a little stressed, NASA.


0920


NASA’s solution to my stress is to upload soothing music, so that I can relax and drift off to sleep. It’s uploading now.


0940


NASA’s definition of soothing music is “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”


0950


On repeat.


1010


Actually, I do feel a bit more relaxed now. Don’t worry, doo, doo, doo. Be happy.


1030


Ok, stressed again.


1230


Could you turn off the music now, NASA?


1600


NASA don’t know how to turn the music off.

Eleventh Entry

February 20^th, 2037

0735

Dear Space Diary.

A little nervous to read this report NASA have sent me. It contains a potential solution to get me out of this spaceship and back to Earth. Which is fantastic and amazing. I honestly thought there wasn’t a way. However, I’m worried I’m not going to be very pleased with the solution they’ve come up with, largely because of the subtle way they wrote “YOU’RE NOT GOING TO LIKE IT” at the end of their last message.

Can’t put it off any longer. Time may be a factor.

0800

Still going through report. Largely technical information and schematics.

0830

Just to cheer me up, they’ve included some worrying figures about the ship. Travelling at three times the expected maximum speed (and still accelerating, I might add) apparently isn’t that good for the engine. If they can’t do something about it soon, the engines might die. And then explode. Charming. At least soon does mean about a month.

0930

Nearly finished report. So far it sounds fairly doable. The new prototype they mentioned earlier has completed Earth testing, and they are confident it will not suffer from the same “unexpected exceeded performance parameters.” Take that to mean the new model has brakes.

It’s being modified. They’ve taken most of the life support systems and replaced it with autopilot systems, long range remote controls, and what seems to be the world’s largest hook and pulley system. They appear to have turned their bold new passageway to the stars into an intergalactic tow truck.

So far, so good. They send it out to catch up with me, grab hold of the ship and manually turn it around and send me back to Earth. Not bad. Does mean I am still stuck in this thing until the other ship can catch up, but still a safe and straightforward plan.

Lots more in the report though. Shall keep reading.

1000

Spoke too soon. By fixing the braking problem they’ve also prevented the prototype from travelling at beyond maximum speeds, so there’s no way the ship could catch up with me.

So how do they intend to get to me?

1020

Here we go. They have limited control over my steering, and will use nearby astral bodies to effect an immediate emergency stop.

What does that mean?

1025

…Oh dear God, they’re going to smash me into a planet.

Tenth Entry

February 13^th, 2037

1110

Dear Space Diary.

NASA has been silent for 48 hours. Haven’t had much to do apart from watch the stars go by and read the newspapers they’ve been forwarding to the computer. Hopefully that means they’re working hard. Either that or there’s something really good on television.

I miss television. NASA, send me some television.

1230

A copy of TV Guide wasn’t quite what I had in mind.

1440

Turns out the TV Guide wasn’t just rather tactless after all. NASA apparently have been considering ways to keep me occupied whilst they look for a solution. Awfully nice of them. They’ve apparently realigned an old satellite that wasn’t doing anything much and are going to try broadcasting some videos to the ship computer. Can’t watch live TV or anything, but should be able to download content and watch it once it comes in. I’m rather impressed. It feels like forever since I’ve watched a movie. If only there was popcorn.

2320

0.2% uploaded. This is going to take a while.

February 19^th, 2037.

0517

90% uploaded.

I must still be accelerating. NASA have just told me I’m nearing Alpha Centauri, the closest star to our own Sun. Rather ground-breaking and pioneering, so I’m told to write down all I can.

1770

Here are my observations on Alpha Centauri:

It’s a star.

Sorry NASA, I’m not sure what else to say. It sits there and burns. Very bright too. I did take some photos with the ship’s camera and will transmit with the report.

1830

98% complete!

NASA are extremely excited by the photos of Alpha Centauri. Their last transmission was full of both commentary and exclamation marks. Still looks like a star to me, but glad they’re happy, I guess.

2300

100%! At last! Let’s see what they’ve sent me.

2305

Apollo 13. Great.

Seriously, guys? How about something not Space based, next time.

2325

NASA only have Space movies. I asked for Star Wars next.

2345

They don’t have Star Wars.

February 20^th, 2037

0110

You can do it, Tom Hanks!

0655

<TRANSMISSION RECEIVED>

__

SOLUTION FOUND, TRANSMITTING DETAILS, STAND BY.

__

<DATA TRANSFER BEGINS>

They’ve thought of a solution! Provided it works, that is, so I suppose I shouldn’t get my hopes up.

<DATA TRANSFER COMPLETE>

__

PLEASE REVIEW MISSION DETAILS AND CONFIRM UNDERSTANDING.

YOU’RE NOT GOING TO LIKE IT.

__

<TRANSMISSION COMPLETE>

…Oh.

Ninth Entry

February 11^th, 2037

0810

Dear Space Diary.

NASA re-established communication overnight. Incredibly relieved to get their message. Hopefully they’ll get the phones working too; would be great to hear another human voice, even if it is just a grumpy, overworked NASA technician. They’ve advised that’s very unlikely. We’re too far out for conventional real time conversations, and it gets really annoying to have to wait 30 minutes between each response.

Thought about explaining my attempt to return home via Japanese legend, but decided giving any indication that I’d gone mad might affect:

a) Their test results, and

b) Their desire to find a way to get me back home.

So instead I told them the origami cranes were brought on by boredom and a possible overdose of nutritional paste.

0900

NASA do not have a way to get me home. The ship has now gone well beyond its intended maximum speed, which has affected the ability to perform any course alterations. Non ftl engines are unable to cope with the speed we’re travelling. They’ve assured me that the next prototype has already fixed this problem. I’ve assured them that I’m more concerned with the current prototype.

They advised me they are actively working on ways to turn the ship around. Will keep me posted of all possibilities.

Hopefully before they try them.

1100

I’ve asked what I should be doing in the meantime. Due to the fact that I am now well beyond the realms of human explored space – not even unmanned ships have ever been this far– NASA have asked me to observe “all passing astral bodies and elements, for possible exploration.”

In other words, they’d like me to look out the window.

1130

Asked them to pass on a message. The embarrassed response I got was that they had yet to tell anyone else on Earth what has happened, as it’s “a bit of a public relations nightmare.” According to them, I’m still due back in ten days.

We agree on the nightmare part. She doesn’t even know.

Truth be told though, I am relieved to be able to communicate again, and to know there may be a chance of coming home.

1520

They’ve sent me some newspapers so I can keep up with what’s happening on earth. That should cheer me up.

1530

PETA Ok’d the use of animals in space flight two days after I left.