Fourteenth Entry

February 23^rd, 2037 – 2 DAYS UNTIL IMPACT

0900

Dear Space Diary.

NASA woke me up bright an early with a report about the planet I’m due to crash in to in two days which – hopefully not in respect to my chances of survival – they have codenamed “Splat.”

Not a whole lot of new information. In fact pages 4-73 are simply labelled “FILL IN WHEN YOU GET THERE”, so this report seems to be more for their benefit than mine.

But Splat is fairly dry (no oceans to be seen), and has an atmosphere that is breathable, much in the same way that a Christmas tree is edible. Still, should I ever go outside I at least won’t asphyxiate for an hour or so. Not that I plan on going outside. Sorry, NASA, forget any exploration. If I survive this, I’m staying right here in this capsule until you come and get me.

Although a non-tube-related toilet trip would be something of a luxury.

This is all well and good, NASA, but the critical aspect that you seem to have left out of this report is the crash itself, which is arguably the most important part. While “Splat” sounds very interesting, if you recall you are going to smash me straight into the side of it.

Please respond with further information on the above. Thank you.

1330

After a rather longer silence than I would have liked, NASA have sent me two messages.

The first rather bluntly says that they haven’t forgotten that I’m about to crash into a planet.

They second message wished to clarify that I won’t be smashing into the side of it. In fact, I’ll be hitting closer to the North Pole, so it’s arguably the “top” that I will be smashing in to.

No further messages.

1950

Finally! NASA have finally sent me some instructions on what to do in the event of a crash. Let me see.

ASSUME A BRACE POSITION WITH HEAD BETWEEN KNEES AND ARMS CROSSED.

Good advice.

IN THE EVENT OF DEPRESSURISATION, OXYGEN MASK WILL BE DEPLOYED.

Very good. I approve.

PLEASE TURN OFF ELECTRONIC DEVICES DURING LANDING, AND RETURN IN-FLIGHT MAGAZINE.

…What?

NASA, have you just sent me an airplane safety card?

2030

NASA denies plagiarising in-flight safety advice.

2032

There’s a Singapore Airlines logo on it.

2355

NASA has advised that there may have been a little bit of plagiarising.