142nd Entry

March 26^th, 2037

1103

Dear Space Diary

Have we jumped to light speed yet?

“I dunno. I was going to ask you. I’ve never travelled at light speed.”

But… you know everything.

“Not everything. Just more than you. Which could say a lot or a little, depending on how malicious I’m feeling.”

How malicious are you feeling?

“Not very. We’re going home!”

Unless we don’t actually jump to lightspeed.

“What’s it like?”

Well, from my limited personal experience, it feels like your stomach explodes, and then your clock stops working for a few days.

“Enlightening. Well, we’ve been speeding up for the last day or so, maybe it needs to get to a certain speed before it can – as you put it – jump.”

Well, how long until we reach lightspeed? You’re good with maths.

“Well, there’s the speed there, on that screen. How long until we reach lightspeed?”

Um…

“You don’t know how fast lightspeed is, do you?”

I have other talents.

“I can only imagine.”

You’ve got quite a sarcastic streak.

“And I fit right in here.”

…true.

“Ok, I’m sorry. Your question is a little misleading I think anyway. Given they have separate engines for regular speed, and for light speed, it wouldn’t necessarily need to reach light speed before it could travel at light speed. It could just, well, jump to that speed.”

So here’s my question then. Why hasn’t it done that yet?

“…That’s a very good question.”

1127

I don’t get it. NASA haven’t exactly left a manual lying around, but… as far as I can tell, the engines should have jumped to light speed.

“I agree. We’re not near any planets or heavy gravitational pull, the engines are receiving signals, and the fuel gauge is full. So why aren’t we jumping?”

“Frogs primarily jump to escape predators.”

Hello 3.0.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

Well, the faster than light engine isn’t firing. So we’re still travelling at normal speed.

“Do we need more grapefruit?”

“No,  that won’t help sadly. As far as I can tell, the engines should have fired. They just… haven’t.”

“Well, fix them! You’re smart. You can do this.”

“I… I don’t know how. At all. I don’t even know where to start.”

“So who would know?”

…NASA.

“Great! Let’s ask them.”

“No!”

No!

“Whoa. Passionate response. Why not?”

NASA, or whoever took them over, are the reason we’re out here in the first place. They lied to me when they sent me out here. Said I’d be gone two weeks and only go to the edge of the solar system. Then my ship malfunctioned accidentally on purpose, sending me all the way out here.

“They told me I was going to Mars and they’d bring me back home to Earth. Instead, they were sending me on a one way trip to be used as a farm for cloning cells.”

NASA sent us out here. They’re not interested in bringing us home.

“Exactly.”

Plus, I kind of yelled at them earlier.

“…What?” 

141st Entry

March 25th, 2037

1630

Dear Space Diary

Hey, 3.0, are you in here?

“Yeah sure, come in.”

How are you going?

“The Eiffel Tower was built in 1889.”

That’s just super. Listen, I just came in to tell you that the engines have started up again.

“Good to know, thanks.”

Also, why are all the books on the floor?

“Turns out the engines started up again.”

I lost a house.

“That’s fairly careless. Did you check behind the fridge?”

A house of cards. When the engines started.

“Hang on, hang on. C… c… cards… card houses. Like this?”

Yeah. Only bigger.

“Cool! Sucks to lose it. Can you show me how to do that one day?”

Yeah sure.

“Are we going to be friends? You know, on Earth?”

I’d like that.

“Would she like that?”

My fiancé? I doubt she’ll have a problem. We’re just friends after all.

“I dunno. Divorce was a pretty big section in D. Some of the reasons seemed pretty silly.”

Probably didn’t seem silly to the people involved though. And that’s probably what mattered.

“Yeah. I guess. Hey, can I ask a question?”

Sure.

“Are humans stupid?”

Er, sometimes?

“I’m just reading through all these things, and… some of them seem to be pretty stupid. Like, really stupid.”

Some of them are I’m sure. But there are many who aren’t.

“How do you know that?”

Well, the Earth hasn’t been blown up yet.

“You have been away.”

Still. Trust me. Am I stupid?

“Well…”

Safer question. Is Mary stupid?

“Oh no. She’s not stupid.”

See? That’s one. And you’ll meet more.

“…Ok then.”

All ok?

“The first ejector seat appeared may have appeared as early as 1910.”

Good stuff.

1710

Well, I’ve been putting this off for long enough. Guess I should just get it over with.

Sigh.

1712

Ok here goes.

Dear. NASA.

So, um. It’s been a while.

How you been?

Anyway, it’s about half an hour before I’ll get a response to this, so I reckon I’m free to just talk while you listen. If you agree, wait thirty minutes before responding.

Good NASA.

So, I’m coming home. Mary’s coming home. As is another Mary.

I don’t know whether the clones were your idea. Or if somebody just paid you to build ships and look the other way. Either way I’m actually pretty sorry I messed with your plans. It certainly wasn’t my intention. Maybe if you’d told me the truth from the start, I’d have been inclined to help.

Probably not, though.

What I do know, is that those clones deserved to have a say in the matter. Mary deserved to have a say. I deserved to, too.

So I gave them a choice.

I’m happy to report the cloning process worked. If you want any reports or evidence, I’ll happily provide them.

In return, all I ask is to be left alone.

Thank you.

1715

Oh, and P.S.

Come after either Mary or 3.0, and I’ll rip your teeth out.

140th Entry

March 25th, 2037

1303

Dear Space Diary

Mary’s just reported that the fruits of her labour are growing well, and should be big enough to register on the scanner by sometime this afternoon.

3.0’s still cloistered away, up to ‘Colostomy Bag,’ so she’s making good progress, although that’s not a conversation I wish to participate in so I’m keeping away until she’s safely in the Ds.

So, I’ve pretty much got the place to myself until either one of them need something. So here I am. Alone. In space. Takes me back to my alone in space days.

Which weren’t fun. Need something to distract myself with.

1320

Well, I’ve made an important scientific discovery.

Real food is awesome.

Contributing factors or catalysts may include personal taste, choice of food, and the fact that I haven’t eaten real food in months.

In conclusion: Real food is awesome.

1325

Is it time for dinner yet?

1500

Decided to steer clear of the kitchen for a little while. Things could get… unhealthy.

Wonder if they’ve got solitaire installed on the computer?

1507

Well, they do have Solitaire installed. Unfortunately Mary has also installed a very large sign that reads “Touch the computer and die, possibly literally,” so I’ve decided to leave it be for the time being. But, in what was an awfully kind thought, she also left something else.

Playing cards. Actual playing cards. They hardly ever make these anymore. I’m amazed that NASA has any on board. Real books. Real playing cards.

This futuristic space ship is totally retro.

I haven’t used playing cards since I was a kid. This is special. I’ve in so much nostalgia right now.

1510

Ok, cards dealt out, all neat and ordered. Let’s play.

1512

Hmm.  Takes a bit longer to play manually. On the computer I can just tap the screen. Now I need to move everything. It’s kind of tiring.

Still awesome though.

1515

Ow! Just got a paper cut from the King of Clubs. Man that hurts!

And it’s sitting on top of six other cards!

Stupid King of Clubs.

1529

This is taking ages! You have to move everything everewhere. And the cards don’t even spin when they move! Well, unless I spin them. But that’s no fun.

1544

Nearly there! I’m so close to winning! Come on.

It’s actually a really satisfying game. No matter how many times I played it on the computer, it always felt like an achievement when the cards would finally cascade down the screen.

1550

I DID IT! I WON! YEAH!

…The cards aren’t cascading.

That’s really rather a letdown.

1555

Hey I know! I could build a house of cards.

1610

This is much more fun! Gotten up to three levels. Making a massive circus tent style building. Always made these when I was a kid.

1617

Five levels!

1623

Almost done six levels. Six! I’ve never done six before!

This is the greatest –

FWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMPPPPPPHH

My house!

“The engines have started again!!!”

…yay.

139th Entry

March 25^th, 2037

0930

Dear Space Diary

Been a quiet day. Mary’s been asleep for 24 hours so far and 3.0’s decided to make the most of the voyage by learning about Earth so she’s locked herself in one of the study rooms with the ship’s collection of encyclopaedias which – in an amazingly retro touch – are in book format. I stuck my head round the door last night to see how she was going. She asked me what an armadillo was, so I guess it’s slow going.

Spent the day in the lab watching the Grapefruit in Mary’s gene vat. And hoping they don’t start to watch back. I’m sure what we’re doing is probably considered unethical to some extent. And I’m not sure what to do with them when we get back. Release them into the wild to roam free.

Well, roll free anyway. So long as we’re on a hill.

Note to self. Find hill.

I really don’t know what I’m looking for, but the grapefruit seem to be growing well. Can I call them grapefruit? Mapefruit, maybe.

Looks like Mary ran out of grapefruits to use though. There’s a Mavocado and a Miwi fruit in there as well. Hope I don’t get a sudden craving for grapefruit for breakfast.

“Oh don’t worry, there’ll be more by now?”

More? Also, good morning.

“I found out where the fruit supply is coming from. It’s the next evolution from nutritional paste. Genetically engineered fruit, grown in vats in the ships walls and fed through to the kitchen. Infinite fruit supply.”

And if we want to eat something other than fruit?

“Unless there’s a cow on board somewhere, I think when the freezer is empty, it’s empty.”

Wait, we have meat?

“Yeah. Meat, milk, bread, cheese, salad, the works. Why what have you been eating?”

…Paste.

“Paste. We’ve been on this ship for three days, and you’ve only been eating paste?”

I thought that’s all there was! It’s a NASA ship!

“What about the fruit?”

Don’t really like fruit.

“So hang on, we’re on a state of the art ship, will full food facilities, and you’ve been eating that disgusting paste?”

I didn’t know!

“Excuse me, could you go into the other room? I have to laugh.”

For how long?

“Couple of hours should do it.”

1135

“Ah, that’s better.”

You haven’t really been laughing for two hours.

“No of course not. I finished laughing and then went to check on the Grapefruit.”

And the kiwi fruit and the avocado.

“I’m afraid the kiwi fruit didn’t make it.”

…what? What happened?

“The solution was too strong for it. And it was too small. It got overloaded with gene… juice.”

Well, first of all, ew. And secondly… the kiwi fruit died?

“Well died may be too strong a word. But, yes.”

I feel kind of sad.

“Oh don’t worry, we’ll still have more than enough.”

Should we hold a funeral or something?

“It’s a kiwi fruit. So no.”

Heartless.

"Yes. It was."

138th Entry

March 24^th 2037

0900

Dear Space Diary

Right, now an acceptable time of morning.

KNOCK KNOCK

Mary? Are you in there?

“Yeah come on in.”

Just came to check in and see how… wow. You look tired.

“Haven’t really slept properly in, well, a good few weeks now. There was synthesising the fuel, then all the stuff with shutting down the clone facility, then the launch, then this…”

But what about all the times when we stopped for the night? We slept then.

“You slept then.”

But I think I would have noticed if you’d been awake all night.

“Not really. You were asleep.”

Oh. Well, in that case, don’t you think it’s time you got some sleep?

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

Actually, that’s not how it works.

“Whatever. I’ve work to do.”

Ok, sure. Speaking of, how goes the abomination of science?

“Well! Thanks for asking. I’d like you to meet Mary 3.06.”

…That’s a grapefruit.

“Yes! A grapefruit spliced with the cloned cells of Mary 3.0! It doesn’t really count as human. Or even especially alive. But hopefully it’s alive enough to fool the scanner. Go on, pick it up.”

Does it bite?

“…It’s a grapefruit.”

Can it talk?

“It doesn’t have vocal cords. I haven’t, you know, given it organs or anything. I’ve just bonded the DNA.”

Does it do tricks?

“I’m not sure you fully understand how this whole cloning thing works.”

But Mary 3.0 can.

“Do tricks?”

Talk. Bite.

“Oh? You guys hit it off then?”

…Ha. I presume she does. I’ve seen her eat. Biting was involved.

“Don’t worry, I’m just messing with you. 1am humour.”

It’s 9 in the morning.

“Whatever! I’m tired.”

Get some sleep.

“No, I’ve too much work to do.”

What is there left to do? 3.06 is perfect!

“Yes, but I have to make another 100 or so to fool the scanner. They’re growing in the gene vat I made over there. And I might still have to make some changes if the scanner doesn’t register it as a clone.”

Well, let’s go check then!

0911

“Ok, here’s the scanner readout. What’s the number?”

…3! We did it!

“We?”

I offered moral support.

“I ask again. We?”

…You did it!

“Thank you.”

So we know it works. That’s fantastic! Here, have some grapefruit juice.

“Um, where did you get that?”

I just found it lying around, why?

“In… the lab?”

Yeah, there was this grapefruit on the bench. Didn’t look important, so I squeezed it. It screamed.

“Now you’re just being mean.”

Extremely. Don’t worry, I got it from the fridge. From a carton. No cannibalism involved.

“Ok, good. Mm, that’s actually pretty good!”

Glad you liked it. Because there’s something special about that juice.

“I know, it’s celebratory.”

Something else.

“…it’s chilled?”

I added something to the juice. Hope you don’t mind.

“Sugar?”

That, and about three ground up sleeping pills.

“You. That was a really low thing to –“

THUMP

Sweet dreams Mary. You’ve earned them.

137th Entry

March 23rd, 2037
1430

Dear Space Diary

From my humble beginnings as Test Monkey to the Stars I have crashed my ship multiple times, stumbled across a 20 year castaway marooned alone on an alien planet, her 200 friends and the city she lived in. I’ve been kidnapped by robots, encountered a reverse psychology dog, and successfully shut down an illegal interstellar cloning operation. And now, finally, I may be able to go home.

By starting up an illegal interstellar cloning operation.

Sort of.

Mary’s been in the lab for a few hours. A cloning facility this is not but she thinks she may have the basic tools required for the rudimentary cloning of cells. I’m no scientist, so I’d say the words “cloning” and “rudimentary” don’t actually belong in the same sentence unless they’re separated by the words “is not” but Mary assures me that she’s hopeful that she can possibly come up with a theoretical solution. Maybe.

So basically I’m considering redecorating, as it looks like we’re going to be here for a while.

1530

Maybe it’ll take another hour to come up with a cloning process to create human fruit hybrids.

…I think there’s probably a horror movie in that somewhere.

1600

The thing I missed about space travel?

The majesty of space. I’ll admit space is pretty majestic. Especially if you’re near an exploding supernova or something. And by near, I mean half a galaxy away.

The thing I don’t miss? The soul crushing boredom.

I can literally feel my soul being crushed. Or maybe that’s my foot.

“Sorry.”

Can I help you, 3.0?

“Well I thought we could have a chat.”

What about?

“Our future.”

Um, ok, what about it?

“We… we don’t have one, do we?”

…Kind of not, no. Sorry. We barely know each other. And I have a fiancé. And even though you look 20, you’re like, 2. I think you’re a little young to start dating.

“What are you, my father?”

Old enough to be. Sorry Mary. I just don’t think it’s a good idea.

“Yeah. Guess I knew that.”

So why did you stay on the ship?

“Well, I didn’t know it that much.”

Ah.

“Yeah.”

…Need a hug?

“That’d be pretty awesome.”

1612

“So, you’re fiancé. Is she prettier than me?”

I thought we’d sorted this out?

“I’m just asking.”

She’s pretty, yes. Very pretty.

“Good. And do you love her?”

I do. Very much.

“And she’ll be waiting for you?”

Yes. I’ve only been gone a few months. She doesn’t even know I’m not meant to be out here. Although, I am, NASA just didn’t tell anyone that I wasn’t. Argh, this is complicated.

“Don’t worry, I know what you mean. And I’m glad. Not that you’re out here, that you’ve got someone out there. Waiting fro you.”

Thank you, Mary. I’m sure you’ll find someone too, once we’re back. You’ll be famous, after all.

“Will you be jealous of them?”

Mary…

“Now I’m just messing with you.”

136th Entry

March 23^rd, 2037

1053

Dear Space Diary

We’re going to collect your DNA.

“With a cotton bud on a stick?”

Sure. They did this all the time for DNA tests back on Earth. You collect some cells from the inside of your cheek with a cotton swab, and they did tests on them and found who your grandfather was and if he had cancer.

“That’s very specific.”

It was just an example.

“An oddly specific example.”

Shut up. Anyway, not as bad as your thought it would be, is it? Just a cotton swab and you’re done.

“That’s not a cotton swab. That’s a cotton bud on a stick.”

We didn’t have any cotton swabs. We had cotton buds.

“And sticks?”

Well, pencils.

“So I’m going to stab myself in the cheek with something that’s filled with lead?”

There’s no lead in pencils.

“Still stabbing myself in the check though.”

That’s what the cotton bud is for.

“Sigh. Fine. Gimme that.”

1102

“This hurts.”

Good to know.

“Could you show a little sympathy?”

I’m sorry it hurts, but it’s for a good cause.

“That was sympathy?”

A little, yes.

“Hey, why isn’t Mary doing this? It’s her DNA too.”

Mary’s engaged in important scientific work.

“And you?”

I’m reading this magazine.

“I hate you.”

That’s the spirit.

1104

“Is that enough?”

You do realise that cells are kind of too small to see. So what you’re asking me to inspect is in fact a moist cotton bud.

“Well?”

Hopefully. Let’s go see Mary.

“So did your Grandfather have cancer?”

No, he had something much worse.

“What was that?”

Tax fraud.

1107

Mary, look at this cotton bud.

“…No.”

But it’s got her DNA on it.

“Why didn’t you say so? Hang on, I’ll take a look under the microscope.”

What is this room anyway?

“Our ticket home.”

Be more specific.

“Ok, you’ve got about 50-60 cells here. Which is great. But the scanner’s going to need, I’m guessing, about 100 or so positive matches to unlock the engines.”

What makes you say 100?

“Complete and utter guess.”

That’s science, kids.

“Actually it is. But anyway. So we’re a few short.”

“I am not swabbing my cheek for any more cells. You do it.”

“I already did.”

“Oh.”

“But that’s still not enough. I tested one of my cells earlier in an orange. Nothing. If it’s going to work, we’ll need more cells in each one.”

Well that doesn’t sound so bad. Sure, it might take a few weeks to get enough cells -

“Weeks?”

- But if that’s what it takes, well, it’s not like we’re going anywhere otherwise.

“Um, yeah, about that. I also tried an orange with 50 cells. Still nothing. It’s still going take more than just dumping old cells into fruit. They’re going to have be living cells, bonded with the organic tissue of the orange.”

We need an orange, spliced with the cloned cells of Mary?

“Yes.”

A Maronge, if you will.

“I don’t will."

135th Entry

March 23^rd, 2037

1013

Dear Space Diary

Fruit? You’re going to put 3.0’s DNA in fruit?

“Yes, let’s talk about this whole put my DNA in things.”

“Look, it’s very simple. I’ve been studying the sensors. They’re very clever. They’re also downright stupid. They scan for a DNA match for clones, and a quantity. But they look for organic cells. A large jar of her DNA simply wouldn’t cut it.”

“Oh, so now it’s a large jar.”

“I’ll address your paranoia in a moment. Look, all the system is scanning for is organic cells that contain a DNA match. It doesn’t care whether that’s animal, mineral, or vegetable. Provided minerals are alive.”

Which they aren’t.

“Depends who you ask.”

If you ask the sensors?

“Then they’re not alive.”

Ok then. So we stick her DNA –

“About that…”

- in some fruit, and the sensors will think there’s more clones on board?

“Yes.”

Excellent!

“In theory, anyway.”

In theory.

“Yes.”

Less excellent.

“I have two questions, guys.”

“Certainly.”

“One. Do I really have to put my DNA in fruit?”

“If it works, and if you want to go home, yes.”

“Ok… well that leads nicely into my second question. Can we work out if it works before we stick my DNA in things?”

That seems valid. Mary, can we do a test?

1052

“Ok, here’s what we’ve got. I’ve set this monitor to display a simple counter. It’s hooked up to the sensors. It’ll simply show how many DNA matches it’s currently scanning.”

Ok, fire it up.

BEEP

2. So it works.

“Yup.”

Wait, 2? TWO? There must be another clone on board! Quick, Mary, we’ve got to go find them!

“Slow down, genius. It’s scanning for all organic entities that match Mary’s DNA.”

Yes, so there’s someone else here that must match it.

“Yes. You know, I might have the same DNA. Given I gave life to them all. By using my DNA. Just possibly.”

…Oh yeah. So. How do we test this?

“Well, we now get some of Mary’s DNA and see if the counter goes up. Then we put it in something organic –“

Like fruit.

“- Like fruit, and then check the counter again.”

As simple as that?

“As simple as that.”

“Except for the part where you take my DNA with a bloody huge syringe! Or did you forget about that part?!”

Ok, 3.0, please calm down. We’re not going to using a syringe to take your DNA cells.

“Ok, good.”

We don’t have a syringe.

“…So what are you going to use?”

We’ll get back to you. It’ll probably have to be a lot more primitive and crude than a syringe.

“More crude than a sliver of metal you jab into someone’s arm?”

Yup.

“Have I mentioned that I REALLY don’t like this plan?”

Couple of times. Here, take this.

“A cotton bud on a stick?”

Yes. We’re going to use it to collect your DNA.

“Um. What exactly did you have in mind here?”