136th Entry

March 23^rd, 2037

1053

Dear Space Diary

We’re going to collect your DNA.

“With a cotton bud on a stick?”

Sure. They did this all the time for DNA tests back on Earth. You collect some cells from the inside of your cheek with a cotton swab, and they did tests on them and found who your grandfather was and if he had cancer.

“That’s very specific.”

It was just an example.

“An oddly specific example.”

Shut up. Anyway, not as bad as your thought it would be, is it? Just a cotton swab and you’re done.

“That’s not a cotton swab. That’s a cotton bud on a stick.”

We didn’t have any cotton swabs. We had cotton buds.

“And sticks?”

Well, pencils.

“So I’m going to stab myself in the cheek with something that’s filled with lead?”

There’s no lead in pencils.

“Still stabbing myself in the check though.”

That’s what the cotton bud is for.

“Sigh. Fine. Gimme that.”

1102

“This hurts.”

Good to know.

“Could you show a little sympathy?”

I’m sorry it hurts, but it’s for a good cause.

“That was sympathy?”

A little, yes.

“Hey, why isn’t Mary doing this? It’s her DNA too.”

Mary’s engaged in important scientific work.

“And you?”

I’m reading this magazine.

“I hate you.”

That’s the spirit.

1104

“Is that enough?”

You do realise that cells are kind of too small to see. So what you’re asking me to inspect is in fact a moist cotton bud.

“Well?”

Hopefully. Let’s go see Mary.

“So did your Grandfather have cancer?”

No, he had something much worse.

“What was that?”

Tax fraud.

1107

Mary, look at this cotton bud.

“…No.”

But it’s got her DNA on it.

“Why didn’t you say so? Hang on, I’ll take a look under the microscope.”

What is this room anyway?

“Our ticket home.”

Be more specific.

“Ok, you’ve got about 50-60 cells here. Which is great. But the scanner’s going to need, I’m guessing, about 100 or so positive matches to unlock the engines.”

What makes you say 100?

“Complete and utter guess.”

That’s science, kids.

“Actually it is. But anyway. So we’re a few short.”

“I am not swabbing my cheek for any more cells. You do it.”

“I already did.”

“Oh.”

“But that’s still not enough. I tested one of my cells earlier in an orange. Nothing. If it’s going to work, we’ll need more cells in each one.”

Well that doesn’t sound so bad. Sure, it might take a few weeks to get enough cells -

“Weeks?”

- But if that’s what it takes, well, it’s not like we’re going anywhere otherwise.

“Um, yeah, about that. I also tried an orange with 50 cells. Still nothing. It’s still going take more than just dumping old cells into fruit. They’re going to have be living cells, bonded with the organic tissue of the orange.”

We need an orange, spliced with the cloned cells of Mary?

“Yes.”

A Maronge, if you will.

“I don’t will."