176th Entry

April 4^th, 2037

0937

Dear Space Diary

What on earth do NASA want?

And why am I asking a recording that can’t hear me? It’ll take around half an hour to –

OF COURSE WE CAN HEAR YOU

…What?

DON’T SAY WHAT, SAY PARDON

I don’t understand.

DO YOU REALLY THINK WE WOULD SEND AN EXPENSIVE SPACESHIP ACROSS THE GALAXY TO COLLECT A VALUABLE CARGO OF CLONES AND NOT HAVE A WAY OF KEEPING TRACK OF IT?

…You’ve been listening to us?

24/7. YOU’RE MOSTLY VERY DULL. BUT IT’S NECESSARY TO PROTECT OUR PRODUCT.

Except that your “product,” as you so callously put it, escaped and are alive and well back on Marysvilletopia.

YES. WE HAVE REALISED THAT MONITORING YOU 24/7 DOESN’T ACTUALLY HELP US STOP YOU FROM DOING ANYTHING. NONTHELESS, IT WAS A VERY STUPID THING YOU DID.

I don’t see it that way.

WE KNOW. AND REST ASSURED WE WILL BE TAKING STEPS TO RETRIEVE THEM.

But I told you to leave them alone.

NO. YOU TOLD NASA TO LEAVE THEM ALONE. AND LEAVING ASIDE THE FUTILITY OF THREATENING SOMEONE WHILE YOU ARE BUSY FLYING DIRECTLY BACK TO THEM IN THEIR OWN SPACESHIP, NASA WILL INDEED BE LEAVING THEM ALONE. WE WON’T.

We? Who are you?

THAT INFORMATION IS CLASSIFIED.

Come on, you can tell me.

WE CAN. BUT WE WON’T.

…You’ve really been listening to everything?

YES. YOU APPEAR TO GET OVERLY EXCITED BY THE CONCEPT OF BREAKFAST. HAVE YOU CONSIDERED SEEKING HELP?

Shut up. But hang on I thought the communications tech couldn’t travel faster than the speed of light?

AT THE TIME, CERTAINLY. THIS IS A NEW PROTOTYPE THOUGH. WE’VE MADE SOME IMPROVEMENTS TO NASA’S DESIGN. SPARED NO EXPENSE.

The engine’s weren’t dog proof.

WE WEREN’T PARTICULIARLY EXPECTING A DOG TO HAVE ACCESS TO THE SHIP’S ENGINES.

You put a dog on the ship.

AND YOU LET IT OUT. BUT THIS IS MERELY WASTING TIME. WE ARE COMING FOR THE CLONES. AND WE ARE WAITING FOR YOU.

END CONVERSATION.

…It’s not though is it.

NO. WE’RE STILL HERE. WE JUST DON’T FEEL LIKE TALKING TO YOU.

Well that’s a shame. Because I was about to reveal my master plan.

YOU DON’T HAVE A MASTER PLAN. YOU JUST EAT HASH BROWNS AND MAKE CYNICAL REMARKS ABOUT REGISTERED TRADEMARKS.

Is that what you all really think of me?

OF COURSE. YOU WERE SPACE FODDER. WE NEEDED SOMEONE IN THE SHIP TO CONVINCE MARY TO COME HOME.  BUT YOU HAVE CAUSED US MORE TROUBLE THAN WE THOUGHT POSSIBLE. WE HAVE MADE A NOTE OF EVERYTHING. WE AWAIT YOUR RETURN WITH INTEREST.

Anything else?

YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST KISSED HER YOU BLOCKHEAD.

Thanks a bundle.

1023

3… 2… 1…

THANK YOU FOR USING COUNT-U-DOWN 2000, FORMALLY NASA MULTI-PURPOSE COUNTDOWN. PATENT PENDING.

“…uuurrrgggghhh.”

Good morning Mary.

“Ow my back. Gosh 5 weeks went quick. Feel like I’ve only been asleep for two hours.”

Um, you have. But I needed to talk to you about something.

“What?”

Do you like Jazz music?