177th Entry

April 4^th, 2037

1024

Dear Space Diary

“…What?”

Do you like Jazz music?

“I must be tired. I’m not sure I understand the question.”

You are tired. But it’s a simple question. Jazz music. Music that is Jazz. Do you enjoy it?

“Um. Why?”

I really want to listen to some loud Jazz music. Come on, it’ll wake you up.

“Wouldn’t coffee do the same?”

Just come on.

“You’re being really strange.”

Please!

“Ugh. Fine, whatever.”

Great! Woo. Fun times.

“Weirdo.”

1027

                                                                                                                                            

And… here we are.

CLICK

“Agh! That’s loud!”

What?

“WHAT?”

I SAID WHAT?

“I SAID THAT’S LOUD!”

VERY LOUD?

“PAINFULLY SO!”

SO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANYONE TO OVERHEAR US?

“UM, I GUESS SO?”

GOOD. THAT WAS THE IDEA. LISTEN. WHOEVER HIRED NASA HAS BUGGED THE SHIP. THEY CAN TALK TO US IN REAL TIME. AND THEY CAN HEAR EVERYTHING THEY SAY.

“YOU MEAN EVEN WHEN I WENT CRAZY AND KISSED YOU?”

UH. YEAH.

“I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE EMBARRASSED IN MY LIFE.”

BE EMBARRASSED LATER. RIGHT NOW I NEED YOU TO COME UP WITH A WAY TO BLOCK THEIR SIGNAL. THERE’S SOMETHING IMPORTANT I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

“WHY CAN’T YOU TELL ME NOW?”

BECAUSE I REALLY HATE JAZZ MUSIC.

“SO DO I. I’LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.”

1645

MY BRAIN IS BEGINNING TO MELT.

“I’M NEARLY DONE.”

ALSO WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF JAZZ MUSIC.

“OK. LOOK. I CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE INCOMING SIGNALS WITHOUT RIPPING THE SATTELITE DISH OFF THE SIDE OF THE SHIP. AND WE NEED THAT TO GET HOME. WHAT I CAN DO IS SCRAMBLE OUR OUTGOING SIGNAL. IT WON’T FOOL THEM FOREVER. BUT IT’S A START.”

DO IT.

“IT NEEDS TO BE PLUGGED INTO THE SATELLITE DIRECTLY. THINK OF IT AS A SIEVE. IN SPACE.”

A SPACE SIEVE?

“IT FITS OVER THE RECEIVER DISH AND FRAGMENTS THE SIGNAL. ANYTHING WE GET IS ALREADY AT THE DISH AND SO WON’T BE AFFECTED. BUT EVERYTHING WE TRANSMIT GETS SPLIT INTO A COUPLE OF THOUSAND FRAGMENTS AND SENT EVERY WHICH WAY. NASA WILL ONLY GET ABOUT 1.5%. IF THEY’RE LUCKY.”

GREAT! LET ME KNOW ONCE IT’S INSTALLED.

“I DESIGNED IT. YOU’RE FITTING IT.”

MAKE ME.

“I’M TURNING UP THE JAZZ MUSIC.”

OK, OK, I’M GOING.

1722

CAN YOU READ ME?

“PLEASE DON’T YELL INTO MY RADIO.”

PLEASE DON’T YELL INTO MY RADIO!

“IS IT DONE?”

THE COVER IS FITTED. DO I NEED TO TURN IT ON OR ANYTHING?

“IT’S A SIEVE! JUST GET BACK IN HERE.”

1738

I’M TURNING OFF THE JAZZ MUSIC.

“SHOULD I GET THE COUNT-U-DOWN?”

STUFF THAT. I’M JUST TURNING IT OFF. I’M SO GLAD WE won’t have to shout anymore.

“Me too. I need a glass of water.”

How do we know it’s working?

“Well, if it didn’t work, NASA will know about the bomb I’ve hidden on board.”

…

“Nope, if they didn’t rise to that, I’d say we’re fine. Excellent, now what did you want to tell me?”

Wait, you’ve hidden a bomb on board?

“NO!”