137th Entry

March 23rd, 2037
1430

Dear Space Diary

From my humble beginnings as Test Monkey to the Stars I have crashed my ship multiple times, stumbled across a 20 year castaway marooned alone on an alien planet, her 200 friends and the city she lived in. I’ve been kidnapped by robots, encountered a reverse psychology dog, and successfully shut down an illegal interstellar cloning operation. And now, finally, I may be able to go home.

By starting up an illegal interstellar cloning operation.

Sort of.

Mary’s been in the lab for a few hours. A cloning facility this is not but she thinks she may have the basic tools required for the rudimentary cloning of cells. I’m no scientist, so I’d say the words “cloning” and “rudimentary” don’t actually belong in the same sentence unless they’re separated by the words “is not” but Mary assures me that she’s hopeful that she can possibly come up with a theoretical solution. Maybe.

So basically I’m considering redecorating, as it looks like we’re going to be here for a while.

1530

Maybe it’ll take another hour to come up with a cloning process to create human fruit hybrids.

…I think there’s probably a horror movie in that somewhere.

1600

The thing I missed about space travel?

The majesty of space. I’ll admit space is pretty majestic. Especially if you’re near an exploding supernova or something. And by near, I mean half a galaxy away.

The thing I don’t miss? The soul crushing boredom.

I can literally feel my soul being crushed. Or maybe that’s my foot.

“Sorry.”

Can I help you, 3.0?

“Well I thought we could have a chat.”

What about?

“Our future.”

Um, ok, what about it?

“We… we don’t have one, do we?”

…Kind of not, no. Sorry. We barely know each other. And I have a fiancé. And even though you look 20, you’re like, 2. I think you’re a little young to start dating.

“What are you, my father?”

Old enough to be. Sorry Mary. I just don’t think it’s a good idea.

“Yeah. Guess I knew that.”

So why did you stay on the ship?

“Well, I didn’t know it that much.”

Ah.

“Yeah.”

…Need a hug?

“That’d be pretty awesome.”

1612

“So, you’re fiancé. Is she prettier than me?”

I thought we’d sorted this out?

“I’m just asking.”

She’s pretty, yes. Very pretty.

“Good. And do you love her?”

I do. Very much.

“And she’ll be waiting for you?”

Yes. I’ve only been gone a few months. She doesn’t even know I’m not meant to be out here. Although, I am, NASA just didn’t tell anyone that I wasn’t. Argh, this is complicated.

“Don’t worry, I know what you mean. And I’m glad. Not that you’re out here, that you’ve got someone out there. Waiting fro you.”

Thank you, Mary. I’m sure you’ll find someone too, once we’re back. You’ll be famous, after all.

“Will you be jealous of them?”

Mary…

“Now I’m just messing with you.”

136th Entry

March 23^rd, 2037

1053

Dear Space Diary

We’re going to collect your DNA.

“With a cotton bud on a stick?”

Sure. They did this all the time for DNA tests back on Earth. You collect some cells from the inside of your cheek with a cotton swab, and they did tests on them and found who your grandfather was and if he had cancer.

“That’s very specific.”

It was just an example.

“An oddly specific example.”

Shut up. Anyway, not as bad as your thought it would be, is it? Just a cotton swab and you’re done.

“That’s not a cotton swab. That’s a cotton bud on a stick.”

We didn’t have any cotton swabs. We had cotton buds.

“And sticks?”

Well, pencils.

“So I’m going to stab myself in the cheek with something that’s filled with lead?”

There’s no lead in pencils.

“Still stabbing myself in the check though.”

That’s what the cotton bud is for.

“Sigh. Fine. Gimme that.”

1102

“This hurts.”

Good to know.

“Could you show a little sympathy?”

I’m sorry it hurts, but it’s for a good cause.

“That was sympathy?”

A little, yes.

“Hey, why isn’t Mary doing this? It’s her DNA too.”

Mary’s engaged in important scientific work.

“And you?”

I’m reading this magazine.

“I hate you.”

That’s the spirit.

1104

“Is that enough?”

You do realise that cells are kind of too small to see. So what you’re asking me to inspect is in fact a moist cotton bud.

“Well?”

Hopefully. Let’s go see Mary.

“So did your Grandfather have cancer?”

No, he had something much worse.

“What was that?”

Tax fraud.

1107

Mary, look at this cotton bud.

“…No.”

But it’s got her DNA on it.

“Why didn’t you say so? Hang on, I’ll take a look under the microscope.”

What is this room anyway?

“Our ticket home.”

Be more specific.

“Ok, you’ve got about 50-60 cells here. Which is great. But the scanner’s going to need, I’m guessing, about 100 or so positive matches to unlock the engines.”

What makes you say 100?

“Complete and utter guess.”

That’s science, kids.

“Actually it is. But anyway. So we’re a few short.”

“I am not swabbing my cheek for any more cells. You do it.”

“I already did.”

“Oh.”

“But that’s still not enough. I tested one of my cells earlier in an orange. Nothing. If it’s going to work, we’ll need more cells in each one.”

Well that doesn’t sound so bad. Sure, it might take a few weeks to get enough cells -

“Weeks?”

- But if that’s what it takes, well, it’s not like we’re going anywhere otherwise.

“Um, yeah, about that. I also tried an orange with 50 cells. Still nothing. It’s still going take more than just dumping old cells into fruit. They’re going to have be living cells, bonded with the organic tissue of the orange.”

We need an orange, spliced with the cloned cells of Mary?

“Yes.”

A Maronge, if you will.

“I don’t will."

135th Entry

March 23^rd, 2037

1013

Dear Space Diary

Fruit? You’re going to put 3.0’s DNA in fruit?

“Yes, let’s talk about this whole put my DNA in things.”

“Look, it’s very simple. I’ve been studying the sensors. They’re very clever. They’re also downright stupid. They scan for a DNA match for clones, and a quantity. But they look for organic cells. A large jar of her DNA simply wouldn’t cut it.”

“Oh, so now it’s a large jar.”

“I’ll address your paranoia in a moment. Look, all the system is scanning for is organic cells that contain a DNA match. It doesn’t care whether that’s animal, mineral, or vegetable. Provided minerals are alive.”

Which they aren’t.

“Depends who you ask.”

If you ask the sensors?

“Then they’re not alive.”

Ok then. So we stick her DNA –

“About that…”

- in some fruit, and the sensors will think there’s more clones on board?

“Yes.”

Excellent!

“In theory, anyway.”

In theory.

“Yes.”

Less excellent.

“I have two questions, guys.”

“Certainly.”

“One. Do I really have to put my DNA in fruit?”

“If it works, and if you want to go home, yes.”

“Ok… well that leads nicely into my second question. Can we work out if it works before we stick my DNA in things?”

That seems valid. Mary, can we do a test?

1052

“Ok, here’s what we’ve got. I’ve set this monitor to display a simple counter. It’s hooked up to the sensors. It’ll simply show how many DNA matches it’s currently scanning.”

Ok, fire it up.

BEEP

2. So it works.

“Yup.”

Wait, 2? TWO? There must be another clone on board! Quick, Mary, we’ve got to go find them!

“Slow down, genius. It’s scanning for all organic entities that match Mary’s DNA.”

Yes, so there’s someone else here that must match it.

“Yes. You know, I might have the same DNA. Given I gave life to them all. By using my DNA. Just possibly.”

…Oh yeah. So. How do we test this?

“Well, we now get some of Mary’s DNA and see if the counter goes up. Then we put it in something organic –“

Like fruit.

“- Like fruit, and then check the counter again.”

As simple as that?

“As simple as that.”

“Except for the part where you take my DNA with a bloody huge syringe! Or did you forget about that part?!”

Ok, 3.0, please calm down. We’re not going to using a syringe to take your DNA cells.

“Ok, good.”

We don’t have a syringe.

“…So what are you going to use?”

We’ll get back to you. It’ll probably have to be a lot more primitive and crude than a syringe.

“More crude than a sliver of metal you jab into someone’s arm?”

Yup.

“Have I mentioned that I REALLY don’t like this plan?”

Couple of times. Here, take this.

“A cotton bud on a stick?”

Yes. We’re going to use it to collect your DNA.

“Um. What exactly did you have in mind here?”

134th Entry

March 23^rd, 2037

1000

Dear Space Diary

We thought we had no clones on board. Now we have one. So that’s a start I guess.

“A start, but unless you guys get started on procreation really quickly, we’re going to be stuck here for a very long time.”

“I’m ok with that.”

I’m not!

“Spoilsport.”

Besides, it would take too long, we’d have to, um, conceive pretty much non-stop for 30 years. Which is pretty much how long it’d take to get home anyway.

“But it’d pass the time.”

Mary, were you like this at her age?

“No. But then I’d been alive for 20 years at her age. She’s had three months to come to terms with adulthood, hormones and all. Remember your teenage years? Well speed them up about 22 times and that’s what she’s been through.”

I wish my teenage years had been sped up 22 times.

“Don’t we all. Anyway, the point I’m making, is, cut her some slack. Ok?”

…Ok.

“Great. Now say sorry.”

Sorry, Mary 3.0.

“It’s ok darling, I forgive you. But, could you call me Mary? Just Mary? There’s only the three of us now, surely I don’t need to be 3.0?”

“She’s right, it’s kind of superfluous.”

You’re right, I get it. But there’s still too of you. I know, how about I call you Young Mary, and I’ll call you –

“Don’t you dare.”

M1 and M2?

“We’re not bananas or freeways, so no.”

Mother Mary?

“Waaaaay too biblical.”

Well, what do I call you then?

“Well, no offense to the other one, but I was here first.”

“None taken.”

“So I think I should be just plain Mary. You can be Mary 2.0 now.”

“Well it is a promotion… no, wait I can’t do that. Mary 2.0 was so important to us! It’d be disrespectful to take her name.”

Well, ok, what do we call you, then? We can’t call you Mary, we can’t call you Mary 2.0?

“Well how about Mary 3.0?”

“Yeah that sounds good, I like it.”

…So we’re going to call you exactly what we’ve always called you?

“Good idea! That’s probably the simplest.”

“I agree.”

You’re both very strange.

1011

“I think I’ve worked out a way to get us home.”

You mean faster, I hope.

“Yes, faster. The engines are locked until the scanner detects an appropriate number of clones on board. So, we need more clones.”

But we’ve only got one. And unless you’ve got a cloning vat in your carry-on luggage, then I can only think of one way of getting many clones out of one. And I’m not entirely comfortable with the idea of chopping 3.0 into little tiny pieces.

“Aww, darling! You do care.”

“But we don’t have to chop her up. All it’s scanning for is her DNA in separate organic entities. So we just need to put her DNA in a hundred organic things.”

Organic?

“DNA?”

“Yes.”

“You mean… my DNA?”

What organic things?

“How’s the fruit supply?”

133rd Entry

March 23^rd, 2037

1800

Dear Space Diary

Well, that was an exceedingly boring day.

We’re still adrift.  In space.

It’s pretty dull. Don’t believe all that majesty of the cosmos stuff. I’ve done it twice, it’s boring. Nothing moves. At all.

Well, that’s not true, I guess. Plenty of things are moving very, very fast. But from our perspective, nothing is moving. It’s all too far away. I’m sure if we sat and watched it long enough we’d see them move. But I’m not that bored.

Yet.

Mary hasn’t come out of her room all day. I’m no psychologist, but I’m guessing the soul crushing defeat and the impending fate of decades of drifting in space, and possibly never even actually getting home may be getting to her.

That’s just a guess though.

March 25^th, 2037

0913

Another day of space.  We’re crawling by so slowly. Marysvilletopia - Splat, whatever - is still in sight. Three days in space and we haven’t even made any decent progress. We’ve gone from ‘being in space,’ to ‘being in space but slightly to the left.’

Starting to worry about Mary. She still hasn’t come out of her room in days. By room, I mean bunk room C, so she’s got about 75 beds to choose from and her own private lounge, but nonetheless it’s a little concerning that she hasn’t come out in a while. There’s only one kitchen and she hasn’t used it.

0923

I should go talk to her.

0927

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Mary, are you in there?

…Hello?

0931

She’s not in here.

The room is deserted.

Mary’s gone! She’s…

“Standing behind you?”

Aaargh!

0935

“Do you want some more ice?”

No, thank you.

“That’s a nasty looking bruise.”

Yes, remind me to return the favour.

“I’ll put it in my diary.”

Sooooo… Staying in your room for two days. What’s up with that?

“Are you trying to be cool?”

Not trying. Being.

“’Being to be cool’ is, in fact, not a correct sentence.”

That’s how cool I am.

“Are you going to be like this all the way home?”

Are we even going home?

“Let’s just say I haven’t ruled out the possibility of a possibility. If you must know, I was simply thinking. Trying to come up with a solution. What were you doing?”

…Wondering what you were up to.

“For two days?”

…Yes.

“Right. Well my brain works a little faster than yours.”

Oh great, so you’ve thought of a solution then?

“…shut up.”

Brilliant.

“But I’ve worked out how they scan for clones . There’s a ship wide scanner just… here, where I’m pointing. It scans in real time, but allowing for error if it doesn’t find a high enough level of clone presence, it shuts down. It’ll start up again it detects enough clones.”

So now we just need to get the clones to stand near the scanner, except, oh wait! WE SENT THEM AWAY. THERE’S. NO. CLONES. ON. THIS. SHIP!!

“Hi Darling!”

…Hello Mary.

132nd Entry

March 22^nd, 2037

2145

Dear Space Diary

How are they doing, Mary?

“You do know I get this information from the computer? The computer you could look at to? The computer you’re standing next to?”

Yeah but, the thing is…

“Yes?”

…I don’t know how.

“Oh. Well, you just push that button there.”

The green one?

“The green one, yes.”

Ok.

“Well done. So what’s it say?”

Ok… um, it says it’s tracking all pods, they’re heading away from the ship towards… Earth! We failed!

“No we haven’t, silly. Remember? I simply told them Earth was somewhere else. The system will say Earth, but where is it actually heading?”

I don’t know! I’m not a… space… know where things are… person!

“Sigh. Ok. See where I’m pointing?”

Space.

“Yes. Earth is that way. Marysvilletopia is that way. And which way are they heading?”

…that way!

“Right! So they’re going the right way.”

So we didn’t doom them to a life of living in a glass bubble with no freedom to leave?

“Sure we did. Just not on Earth.”

And not with NASA watching.

“I dunno, I’m starting to think NASA has less to do with this than we think. Based on your diary entries, I’m pretty sure somebody higher up is pulling the strings. I don’t think NASA is working for themselves anymore.”

…you’ve been reading my diary?

“Reading it? I’ve been living it. But, also, yes.”

I’m a little hurt.

“Do you want to sulk for a bit?”

2215

Yes.

“Well, that wasn’t a colossal waste of time.”

The pods are still heading in the right direction.  The clones are safe.

“As are we. We’re actually going home. Finally. There’s nothing that can stop us now!”

WARNING, CLONES NO LONGER DETECTED. SHUTTING DOWN ENGINES. ONCE CLONE PRESENCE IS RESTORED, ENGINES WILL BE REACTIVATED.

…You had to say it, didn’t you?

“At least it’s not raining.”

Stop it!

2225

“Well, the good news is although the engines have stopped, we haven’t. We’re still moving at the same speed we were when the engines fired.”

What’s the bad news.

“Which one?”

There’s more than one bad news?

“Yes.”

Just tell me.

“First up, we’re not travelling at faster than light. They hadn’t fired up yet. And since they have faster than light, they haven’t really bothered putting in hugely powerful engines in. So we’re travelling at much, much less than light speed.”

So how long will it take us to get home?

“About 30 years.”

It’s going to take us longer to get home than it took you to get here?

“If we stay on course, yes. If we drift off, or get pulled off by the gravity of something large, we may never get home.”

Well, that sucks.

It’s lucky life support wasn’t linked to the scanners. Then we could have chosen to starve, freeze, or suffocate.”

So we’re stuck?

“Unless there’s a clone on board.”

And we just got rid of all the clones.

“Yup. Aren’t we just super?”

131st Entry

March 22^nd, 2037

2130

Dear Space Diary

“All pods loaded and ready for launch!”

…Can we do this?

“We can. They’re ready, it’s set. It’s now or never.”

Well, given the choices… now!

CLICK

Good evening, Marys. The pods are now ready to launch. Doors are armed, and we’re about to set you on your way. Mary thinks the light drive is going to kick into gear any minute now, so I’ll keep this short.

The pods you’re in are very similar to the ship I myself used to land on Splat, with a few luxury extras. Like legroom. And seating for more than one person.

It won’t be a terribly long flight, but you do have food through tube dispensers. There is an option for bathroom use, but trust me, you might just prefer to hold on.

Entertainment wise, the computers in front of your seats have a selection of books, and one movie. Unfortunately, it’s not a very good movie.

Also, there’s the solitaire. I recommend the solitaire.

Also, you appear to have airbags. That’s nice, because that brings me to my next point. This ship is great at taking off. Really good. The best.

What’s it no so good at, is landings. It tends to just head for the ground and let gravity do the rest. You do have rockets, and you’re more than welcome to try using them, but given, a) they’re quite complicated, and b) we haven’t had time to teach you, that’d either make things better or much, much worse. The choice is yours, but I will say from painful, painful experience that your pods are strong. Very strong. They can take an absolute beating and will get you on the ground safely.

As long as safely includes bruised, battered, a massive headache, and possible several hundred metres underground.

But you’ll be travelling much slower than I was so you’ll be fine.

Probably.

Hopefully.

…So! Any questions?

“Just one.”

Yes, Mary?

“Whatever happened to keeping this short?”

…Any other questions? No? Ok, launch.

CLICK

Goodbye, Marys. Enjoy your new life. Oh, and one last thing.

“Sigh.”

Shut up, Mary. This is important.

We don’t know how NASA are going to react. We are stealing their project from them. That’s you guys, in case you’ve not joined the dots. Now I’m quite happy to do this, we’ve no love for NASA’s benefactors and you’ve got your own choices to make. But they probably won’t be happy. We’ll deal with that when we return to Earth, but I can’t promise they won’t come after you. We are, after all, in the ship built and designed specifically to do that.

So, be careful. If you see a ship turn up, hide. Get the lightdogs to build a hiding place. Somewhere underground, possibly. Up to you. But don’t trust anyone. The only people coming will be NASA, or the people who hired NASA. And I’m pretty sure you won’t want to meet either of them.

Be safe.

Goodbye.