171st Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

1300

Dear Space Diary

Urgh.

Learned a very important lesson today. Don’t eat a full hearty breakfast moments before the ship you’re in is about to jump to lightspeed.

Also, don’t eat four.

In happierish news, the cleaning robots on this ship are amazing. I’m fairly sure one of them gave me a dirty look though.

Given I’ve been up for most of the night and some of the day, I might get a nap in. Better check with the others as well.

Hey Mary, is it ok if I sleep for a bit?

…Mary is asleep. I’ll take that as a yes.

1305

Hey 3.0, are you awake?

“No.”

I’ll take that as a yes.

“Fine. I was though, until you walked in.”

Sorry, I was just going to ask if it was ok if I had a nap.

“So you woke me up to tell me you were going to sleep?”

I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were –

“YOUR GOD NEEDS SLEEP.”

Saving me does not make you a deity.

“Oh yes, what do deities do? They save people.”

And apes have four fingers and a thumb. Are you an ape?

“…Go to sleep.”

I plan to.

1313

Ok, time for a rest.

Probably won’t be able to get to sleep, though. Never seem to be able to whenever I –

April 4^th 2037

0511

…Cool!

0630

“Morning!”

Morning Mary.

“I’m making breakfast, do you want any?”

Er, no, thanks.

“Come on, you must be starving.”

I’m giving up breakfast.

“For lent?”

For… no! I ate too much yesterday and was sick.

“In space, no one can hear you  -“

Oh believe me, they can.

“Mm.”

Yes.

“So… this is very peaceful.”

It is a bit.

“Troubles are solved. The Marys are saved.”

The engines are fixed; NASA’s benefactors won’t get their clone army.

“Nothing left to do but for us to sit here for 5 weeks and… be peaceful.”

Yup.

“So very peaceful.”

…By peaceful, do you mean boring?

“God, yes.”

“You called?”

You have hearing like a bat, 3.0. Like a bat.

“I’m hungry.”

You have vat juice.

“That is not an acceptable answer to any question ever.”

Sigh… 5 weeks of bickering.

“It doesn’t have to be.”

Trust me, if we were able to stop by now, we would have.

“Doesn’t have to be 5 weeks. Could be 5 minutes.”

…Do you have a time machine?

“Maybe. Well, sort of. I’ve been reading the ship’s instruction manual.”

Why?

“I was feeling a bit peaceful. Anyway, on deck 3 we… drumroll please?”

No.

“…have suspended animation pods.”

Suspension what?

“Did you never read sci-fi?”

Not for things that are real, no.

“Ugh. Fine. Basically they freeze you –but not actually – and keep you unconscious until they wake you. So it happens in an instant for you.”

Sounds kind of creepy.

Not at all, it’s fine. it’s just like being held in a coma against your will.

Oh, well when you put it like that…

170th Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0835

Dear Space Diary

Several good things happened this morning.

First, 3.0 is ok and awake in 2.0’s old clone tank. We’re not sure how long we have to keep her in there but we figure a day to be on the safe side. Well, Mary and I figure that. 3.0 figures that we’re low down dirty slugs. She wasn’t agreeable to my point that, as gastropods, slugs are usually low and dirty, though down is very much on a case by case basis. So we agreed to give each other some space.

Well, I agreed to give each other some space.

Second, 2.0 all the other Marys are fine. Turns out 2.0 had a brain wave roughly when we did and realised that she was the only one unaffected, and the only real difference between the two was that she had spent an extended amount of time back in the clone tank due to her, ahem, little fall. Little in the same way that Big Ben is little. The cloning facility was shut down, but the vats were still in good working order.

They’re doing well,  although getting angry after waking up inside a cloning device seems to be a fairly Maryish trait. I haven’t tried it on the original Mary.

Don’t especially plan to either.

And thirdly, I had breakfast, and it was delicious.

Admittedly probably not as important as the first two, but it was very delicious. There were hash browns and everything. It was so good I decided to have another breakfast to make the best of things. Besides, things have been a little crazy here of late, so being able to sit down for a normal meal is kind of a big deal.

And, well, hash browns.

So now, finally, I can relax. Just sit here, finish my third breakfast, and listen to the faint humming of the ship, slightly drowned out by the faint abuse floating up from the clone tank.

Yes, things are preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-$#&(*@#&$*@#$!@#!@#!@#================-----_-_-_-_-_-_-_-__-__-__-__-___-___-___-____-_____________

<SYSTEM OFFLINE>

0954

And we’ve jumped to light speed! And the clock’s working and everything.

This calls for more hash browns.

1015

3.0’s been awfully quiet. I better go and see how she’s doing.

1023

Hey  3.0, how you going?

…

3.0?

…

You’re not fooling anyone you know. I know you’re alive.

“No really, I’m dead.”

No you’re not.

“Prove it.”

Ok, well, 1. You’re in a clone tank that is designed to repair and restore your body meaning it’s almost physically impossible to die while in there.

“…Yeah ok. And 2?”

And 2. Dead people don’t really say ‘No really, I’m dead.’

“Shut up.”

Still angry at me?

“Ugh. No not really. Just been a bit trying. What was that thing before where it felt like my stomach ate me?”

That would be the jump to lightspeed.

“What, the engine worked?”

Yes. You fixed it.

“…So I saved your life?”

Well, yes, but humility is always the appropriate –

“BOW BEFORE YOUR SAVIOUR, MORTAL.”

169th Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0637

Dear Space Diary

“What am I doing in the tank? Get me out!”

Not until we’re sure you’re not going to do.

“When will that be? When I die of natural causes?”

Ok, I  know you’re upset –

“It’s not even my tank. This is someone elses… vat juice? Ewwwwwww!”

- But we did just save your life. So how about you take a few deep breaths, and say thank you.

*deep breath*

There we go.

“GET ME OUT OF HERE!”

Ok, enough 3.0. Sorry. You were dying. We needed to save you, and we thought this might work.

“Yeah. Right. I guess I should say thank you. Thank you.”

You’re welcome. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need –

“Wait, you thought? You thought this might work? What if it killed me more?”

…Killed you more?

“I AM UNDER GREAT STRESS AND ANXIETY, I AM NOT CONCERNED ABOUT MY USE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.”

Seriously, chill out.

“Chill out? CHILL OUT? Let me tell you something about chilling out!”

0657

…Finished?

“Yes.”

Feel better?

“Yes thank you.”

That was quite a tirade.

“Sorry. Needed to get it off my chest.”

I mean, I don’t even own a horse.

“Got a little carried away. Shall we move on?”

Sure.

“You did save my life. Thank you.”

Anytime.

“I can get through this. I’ll need your help. But, I trust you. You’ve always been there for me. I know you’ll never leave my side.”

Absolutely. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s something really important I need to do. I’ll be right back.

“…What?”

0702

“Coffee?”

Hell yes. Can you bring it in? I’ve got to send a message to 2.0 right away.

“Great, I’ll come with you. They’ll need some instructions to reactivate the clone facility… what’s that noise?”

What noise?

“The cacophony of insults and threats.”

Oh that. 3.0 is having some difficulty adjusting to her current living arrangements.

“I didn’t even know you owned a horse.”

Tell me about it.

0706

Ok, open communication protocols.

“You mean open Outlook?”

…My way sounds cooler.

“Yes dear.”

Ok. Ahem. Dear, 2.0 –

“Hang on, there’s a message here. We mustn’t have listened to them all.”

Load it up.

“Also, it’s not a job interview.”

Yeah, yeah. Come on, this could save lives.

<LOADING MESSAGE 37>

__

SO COLD. SO VERY COLD. I’M THE ONLY ONE LEFT. THEY’RE… THEY’RE ALL DEAD.

I ONLY HAVE MOMENTS LEFT.

IF ONLY MY FRIENDS HAD CONTACTED ME. IF ONLY THEY COULD HAVE SAVED ME.

WITH MY LAST BREATH… I DIE.

…EEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRKKKK.

__

Oh no. We’re too late.

“Sounds that way.”

This is… this is horrible!

“Yup. Horrible.”

…You don’t sound too convinced.

“Wait for it…”

__

…FOOLED YOU!

YEAH OK, SO I’M NOT DEAD. I PUT THEM IN THE CLONE FACILITY AND THEY’RE DOING GREAT! I GUESS I WAS OK BECAUSE I’D ALREADY BEEN IN?

I BET YOU WERE ALL “OH NOES, OUR FRIEND IS DEAD. WE ARE SO SAD.”

NOW ANSWER YOUR DAMN MESSAGES. 

168th Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0533

Dear Space Diary

<LOADING MESSAGE 12>

Are you still listening to those?

“There might be something important.”

Amongst 2.0’s various renditions of songs about loneliness?

“Yes.”

Anything so far?

“She’s doing Beatles covers now.”

…I might stay for those.

0545

<LOADING MESSAGE 33>

__

SO THIS IS FUN. I’M STARTING TO RUN OUT OF SONGS. GOING TO KEEP GOING UNTIL YOU RESPOND. GUESS WE’LL START AGAIN.

ALLLLLLLL BBBBBYYYYY – HOLD ON, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I HAVE TO GO.

__

…That sounded ominous.

“Play the next message.”

<LOADING MESSAGE 34>

__

MAN I WISH YOU GUYS WOULD PICK UP. SOMETHING’S HAPPENED.

A COUPLE OF THE GIRLS ARE GETTING SICK. I DON’T KNOW WHAT YET. BUT THEY’RE NOT WAKING UP. THEY SEEM OK OTHERWISE, I GUESS, BUT WE CAN’T WAKE THEM. WE’RE LOOKING THROUGH THE ZUBRIN’S MEDICAL LIBRARY.

WE COULD REALLY USE YOUR KNOWLEDGE MARY.

<LOADING MESSAGE 35>

WHERE ARE YOU GUYS? MORE OF THE GIRLS ARE GETTING SICK EVERY DAY. I CAN’T SAY FOR SURE, BUT I THINK IT’S IN ORDER OF AGE. IS IT SOMETHING TO DO WITH US BEING CLONES?

AND IF SO WHY ISN’T IT HAPPENING TO ME?

__

“It sounds like 3.0 isn’t alone.”

But they don’t have med-bays. What are they going to do?

“I don’t know.”

<LOADING MESSAGE 36>

__

ONE OF THE GIRLS FOUND THIS IN THE MEDICAL LIBRARY ON THE ZUBRIN. AND THEN PASSED OUT. HAVE YOU HEARD OF DUPLICATE TISSUE FAILURE? THIS BOOK IS TWENTY YEARS OLD, AND THERE’S NOTHING REALLY APART FROM THE NAME, BUT… I THINK THAT’S WHAT’S HAPPENING TO THEM.

THEY’RE ALL PASSED OUT NOW. I’M THE LAST ONE LEFT.

WHAT DO I DO?

PLEASE. ANSWER ME.

__

“Pause it.”

Why?

“I don’t want to hear any more. It’s horrible. They’re dying.”

I think she would have said if she was actually dead.

“She’s not a medical person! She doesn’t know that!”

Neither do you. The date stamp on the message shows is from… yesterday. We can still do something.

“Great. We don’t know a single thing about how DTF works, and we’re not doctors. We don’t know where to even begin.”

Actually I think I do. I’ve worked it out. I’ve a question for you though.

“What?”

Do you still have the avocado?

“Come on, this is important.”

I really must insist.

0550

“Ok fine, here’s your stupid avocado.”

It looks pretty dead.

“It is dead. It died. Which would be why it looked dead.”

You said it died because it didn’t have enough vat fluid, didn’t you?

“Yeah it was pretty open and shut. Where are you going with this?”

Ok, next question. Why hasn’t 2.0 passed out. Is she immune?

“…Maybe?”

If so, what caused it?

“…You think?”

Worth a try.

0635

Wake up 3.0.

“Can you hear us?”

“…Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. Where am I?”

You passed out for a little.

“You saved me? Thank you, I… Oh no.”

“Sorry. It was the only way.”

“Don’t tell me I’m back in the cloning tank!”

167th Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0520

Dear Space Diary

No computer. Stop. Bad computer.

DO YOU WISH TO CEASE DEFINITION PLAYBACK?

Yes, stop!

STOPPING CESSATION OF DEFINITION PLAYBACK. PLAYBACK RESUMING.

No! Stop! Stop! Stop!

…PLEASE WAIT, CALCULATING…

CONFIRMED, WE WILL NOT STOP STOPPING THE STOP OF PLAYBACK.

…What?

PLAYBACK RESUMED

Arrgh!

0524

“It’s stopped. You can come back in now.”

Ok, but there’s something I have to do first. Computer!

YES SIR?

Disable Voice Control.

DISABLING. WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO CONFIRM?

Yes.

VOICE CONTROL IS DISABLED, UNABLE TO RECOGNISE VOICE COMMANDS. PLEASE REPEAT.

…No.

“So what do we do?”

Is 3.0 stable?

“I think so.”

Then we need to send a message to 2.0 and the Marys. Need to make sure they’re ok.

0527

Ok, I’ll just jump into the communications –

<INCOMING TRANSMISSION>

“Oh that was good timing. One just came in now.”

Er, not as such, no. I’ve kind of being ignoring the messages from NASA. I didn’t really want to hear what they have to say.

“Even if what they have to say is “This ship will self-destruct in 20 minutes? Move over, I’ll listen if you can’t be bothered.”

They’ll just try and manipulate us again. There’s no point.

“Then we can ignore it. I’m listening to them.”

Fine, we can listen to their message if you really want. But it’s only one message and it’s pretty old. It won’t be relevant anymore.

YOU HAVE 37 NEW MESSAGES

“…Sounds like they really wanted to talk to you.”

The feeling isn’t mutual.

<LOADING MESSAGES>

Come on, NASA, what’s so important?

…IS THIS THING WORKING? *COUGH* UM, I THINK SO… HI GUYS! IT’S 2.0 HERE.

“2.0?!”

HOPE I GOT YOUR NUMBER CORRECTLY, IF SOMEONE ELSE IS LISTENING TO THIS, DON’T WORRY YOU’RE JUST HALLUCINATING. GO BACK TO SLEEP. ANYWAY. JUST MESSAGING TO LET YOU KNOW WE LANDED SAFE. WELL, I SAY SAFE. 30 BROKEN BONES AND A FEW CONCUSSIONS COUNT AS SAFE RIGHT? …YEAH THE GIRLS HERE SAY THAT COUNT AS SAFE. THE ONE S THAT AREN’T CONCUSSED. SO WE’RE GREAT! WE’VE LANDED A FAIR WAY FROM THE CITY, SO WE’RE SLEEPING IN THE PODS. THERE ARE SPACE SUITS, SO WE CAN WALK BACK, BUT WE’RE GOING TO SEE IF WE CAN FLY.

THIS IS GREAT! BOBO CAN’T CONTAIN HIS EXCITEMENT. LITERALLY. IT’S KIND OF DISGUSTING.

YES, BOBO IS FINE TOO. SAY HELLO BOBO.

OH RIGHT, REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. EH. WELL, THAT EXPLAINS THE LACK OF TOILET TRAINING…

BETTER GO! LOOK FORWARD OT HEARING FROM YOU SOON!

“…You thought that was from NASA?”

I didn’t actually listen to it! I just thought it was from NASA.

“She could have been hurt!”

Fine! I messed up. But she’s fine. So, crisis averted.

<LOADING MESSAGE 2>

HEY GUYS! NEVER HEARD BACK FROM YOU, BUT THAT’S COOL, YOU’RE PROBABLY ALL BUSY AT LIGHT SPEED AND STUFF. JUST WANTED TO SAY HI. WE’RE BACK AT THE CITY, ALL SAFE. BOBO IS HUNTING THE LIGHTDOGS. I’LL TRY AGAIN LATER. BYE.

<LOADING MESSAGE 3>

ALLLLL BYYYYY MYYYYYSEEEEELLLFFFF…

166th Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0515

Dear Space Diary

“So, what’s it say?”

I’m not too sure, to be honest. It’s 27 pages long, which would fall into the category of ‘Complex.’ It’s got instructions, but it’s a veritable laundry list, and a long one at that. I’m a bit confused.

“Give it here. I’ll work it out.”

Sure.

“Hospital gown, socks, hair net… This is an actual laundry list.”

Yup.

“I’m also confused… wait, I’ve got it. This is a list of clothing she’ll need while she’s in hospital.”

That’s pretty comprehensive. Did it tell us to provide a packed lunch as well?

“Two apples and a cheese sandwich.”

And if they don’t like cheese?

“Um… two apples. But who in their right mind wouldn’t like cheese?”

What if you were lactose intolerant?

“I’d still eat cheese.”

Then I’m very glad you’re not lactose intolerant. Ok, clothing and lunch. What else?

“Er… nothing. Just plug her in to the machine and leave her there.”

For how long?

“Until we’re back to Earth and we can transfer her to a medical team.”

That sounds awfully like it doesn’t know what’s wrong with her.

“Yeah. But apparently it’s… DTF syndrome.”

Classy. But hang on, if all it says is “give her clothes and food and leave her alone”, why is it 27 pages long?

“I don’t know… this is weird. It just repeats the information over and over. Hundreds of time. Clothes, lunch, and plug her in.”

…Did you say hundreds?

“Yeah. Hundreds.”

And exactly the same each time?

“Yeah. Just her details, and then “Clone #1, Clone #2, Clone #3… oh.”

This isn’t instructions for 3.0. This is instructions for ALL of the clones. It’s almost like –

“…they knew this was going to happen.”

They knew the engines would fail?

“No that was just general incompetence I think. But… what if they knew she was going to become unconscious?”

…Computer!

YES, SIR?

“I didn’t know we had voice control.”

Neither did I. Whoops. Er, Computer! Define DTF Syndrome.

THAT INFORMATION IS CLASSIFIED

Oh. Um, Computer! Declassify.

“I don’t think it works that way.”

ALL INFORMATION DECLASSIFIED

“Oh.”

Computer, define DTF.

PLEASE WAIT… SEARCHING.

DEFINTION FOR DTF: DUPLICATE TISSUE FAILURE.

YOU MAY ALSO HAVE MEANT DOUBLE TOMATO & FILLET. IF THIS IS CORRECT, PLEASE SAY YES.

No.

“Oh, no. 3.0.”

I don’t get it.

“Duplicate Tissue Failure. The duplicate tissue! It’s failing!”

Again, not getting it.

“3.0 is duplicate tissue!”

…Ah.

“They knew this was going to happen! They knew they were going to fail! That’s why they sent this ship! Because they knew the clones would eventually break down! They’re meant to be plugged in and held in stasis until they get back!”

Well, it’s a good thing we got the clones off the ship then!

“Exactly! We wouldn’t then falling into comas and being plugged into… medical…”

Have we done something very stupid?

“Yes.”

CONFIRMED

“What?”

THE DOUBLE TOMATO AND FILLET IS A POPULAR BURGER, FREQUENTLY ACCOMPANIED BY A SIDE  -