208th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

1230

Dear Earth Diary

“Everybody here?”

Excellent. Now let’s move quietly and –

“CHARGE!!!!”

1240

Despite their zeal, the guards are actually pretty good at moving through here quietly. Which is good, because even with all these people we still don’t know where the clone factory actually is. So we may have a lot of ground to cover. I really don’t want to be caught again.

Although I suppose that’s somewhat unlikely given that the people who would normally catch me are currently escorting me through the facility they’re supposed to be guarding –

“He’s doing a monologue! I love these!”

I must confess while I appreciate the help –

“Wait for it…”

Their enthusiasm can be a little overwhelming.

“BOOM!”

I’m sorry, do you mind, I’m trying to record this all.

“Sorry, sorry. Just so excited to be a part of it.”

Would it be possible to be a silent part of it?

“Oh wow, silent part. I’m down. You won’t hear another word out of me.”

Good, thank you.

“HEY GUYS! WE’RE BEING A SILENT PART!”

“YAAAAAAAAAAAY!”

Ugh. Never mind. Let’s just find this factory.

“Question.”

Yes?

“Why are they building clones?”

I really don’t know. Because they can? All I know is what they’re doing is wrong. And pretty hugely illegal. And they hurt a lot of my friends to do this. And me. I’m a friend of me, and they hurt me.

“You’re a friend of you. Hmm. Deep.”

Please stop saying everything I say is deep. Let’s just stop this thing.

“Oh! Oh! Question.”

Sigh. Yes?

“How are you going to stop this thing?”

…Well, I don’t know. We’ll go in there, and we’ll stop it.

“Yes, but… how?”

I’ll work something out when I get there. That basically sums up the last few months of my life, ok? If I’m not crashing into planets I’m getting attacked by robotic space dogs, finding giant abandoned cities, getting saved by non-robotic Earth dogs, and working it out when I get there. All my friends are alone together on a planet very far away, and the one thing I really regret is I don’t have the faintest idea where Mr Rock is!

“…Um.”

Ok I’m getting worked up. Sorry.

“Sure.”

Ignore the part about Mr Rock.

“I’ll keep my eyes out for him.”

He’s on Splat. I’m sorry. It’s been a long… life. When all this over, I’ll find another bloody rock, draw a face on him and take him to the movies.

Actually no I won’t, because that is crazy talk, and I am not crazy.

“No! No. You’re quite sane. So sane.”

Good. Let’s go.

1333

“Ok it has to be behind this door.”

Why do you say that?

“Because we’ve already checked all the other ones.”

All of them?

“Apart from the women’s toilets. We could get in trouble.”

Whereas destroying a cloning facility is fine?

“That’s justice. Do what you have to do.”

Ok.

“But stay out of the women’s toilet.”

Fine.

CLICK

207th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

1203

Dear Space Diary

Well, how about this door?

Damn it. Another conference room. 5 doors and I still haven’t found their hidden secret clone lab. This isn’t going to be as easy as I thought.

Have to keep going. I have a purpose now. I have to save humanity! Or kill a small specific subsection of it, depending on how much progress they’ve made.

Hmm. Actually I’m not sure I could kill someone. I’m no stone cold killer.

Mr Rock probably is, though.

…hehehe.

Puns later. Thwarting Evil now.

Why do they even want clones anyway? What are they going to do with 300 hundred confident self-educated women?

Maybe I don’t want the answer to that.

Also, why are they doing this on Earth at all? I thought the whole point was they couldn’t’ here, so they tried on Mars, but missed.

Stop asking yourself questions you don’t know the answer to.

Right now, I think I need to come up with a better plan than “just try the doors randomly until you find it.” I wonder if there’s a map for this place.

Maybe one more door.

1205

“Who are you?”

Ah. Not a conference room.

Looks to be a break room. For guards.

“Is that…”

I better run.

“He’s talking to himself. It’s him.”

“Holy cow, you’re right! It’s HIM!”

Er, yes it’s… me? I know I’m like, out of my cell and…

“Red alert. IT’S HIM!”

Oh dear.

“Surround him! Don’t let him leave!”

Er, that’s not really necessary. I’ll just go back to your cell.

“Your cell? After all the trouble we went through to break you out?”

…What?

“I saw him first, he’s signing mine first.”

Signing what?

“Sign my gun.”

Um, well, do you have a pen?

“Got one special.”

Fine, ok. ….There.

“…’Please don’t shoot me.’ Oh that is brilliant. That’s classic Space Guy that is.”

Forgive my rudeness, but what the hell is going on?

“I can’t believe I got a chance to meet the actual Space Guy.”

I take it I’m Space Guy?

“Man, you’re a legend round here. We’ve been listening to your adventures ever since they started broadcasting.”

Why would NASA be broadcasting?

“Somebody’s been leaking them! Getting the truth out, man.”

Oh.

“All the clones, the city, the space ship. Right up until you woke up near Earth. Then you just… vanished.”

Ah.

“We were so excited when you turned up here! We’re holding Space Guy prisoner!!”

…

“…Sorry about that.”

Oh it’s fine. I escaped.

“We helped!”

“I got the door code.”

“I wrote the note!”

“I decided what flavour cake!”

Good man.

“And now, I’m going to get you out of here. Let’s go.”

I can’t go.

“Don’t be crazy! If they find out you’re loose they’ll kill you.”

I’m grateful for what you’ve done. Really. But I have to stop the clones from being made.

“…You don’t mean.”

Yes.

“They’re making more?”

Yes.

“…Okay I quit.”

“Me too!”

“Let’s get ‘em!”

206th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

1147

Dear Earth Diary

Where’s the rest of you?

“Do I look like I’m in a position to know that?”

Can’t you like, sense your limbs or something?

“…You don’t know a whole lot about how people work do you.”

You’re remarkably calm about this.

“I’ve been a brain in a jar before. Which isn’t weird to say at all…”

And you don’t know why they did this?

“Of course I know. I’m a clone. Whatever they designed worked. The rest of them are basically unreachable, but because we’re clever, we went right to them. They want me. They want me bad.”

3.0. I’m… I’m so sorry.

“Don’t be. I wanted to see Earth. We didn’t know they would catch us. And I kind of had eyes for you.”

Yeah. I know.

“I don’t anymore.”

Oh. Well I guess I haven’t been the most appreciative of your feelings…

“No, I mean I don’t have eyes anymore.”

If you had a mouth, would you be grinning right now?

“Widely.”

I should probably get back to escaping. Do you want to come with me?

“I’m don’t think brains are self-sustaining. Without a fresh supply of clone juice I’ll probably die.”

Yeah… you’re probably right.

“Also I’m pretty sure I’m bolted to the table. Guess they don’t want me spilling clone juice everywhere.”

Please stop saying clone juice. Just stop.

“Sorry.”

3.0… this sucks. After everything we’ve been through, this is what happens to you? It’s… it’s no way to live!

“I’ve lived plenty. More than lots of people. How many people can say they’ve been grown in a tank on an alien planet and helped defy a strange shadow corporation?”

Several hundred.

“And they’re all really glad of it. Because we met you, we had lives. That may not have happened otherwise. We’d just grow and grow until they figured out a way to come and get us.”

Yeah…

“Seriously, thank you. Now get out of here. Go not be a brain in a jar.”

Will you be ok?

“They’ve got solitaire in here.”

That’s not what I meant.

“Yeah. I know.”

Goodbye 3.0.

“Goodbye. If you manage to overthrow the bad guys, come and grow me a new body.”

I promise.

“Oh, and one more thing.”

Yes?

“Clone juice.”

1153

I didn’t really want to leave 3.0 in her current state, but she kept hissing at me until I left.

A hissing brain is quite a disconcerting thing.

The thing that’s bothering me – apart from 3.0 just being brainjar, is that means the rest of her is probably being used to make more clones.

You know, that whole thing I just spent the last few weeks trying to stop.

Well admittedly not the whole time was doing that. I bumped into things and got lost a lot too. Also there was bacon.

I miss bacon.

But more importantly, if they’re making more clones, I have to stop them.

That’s more important than escaping. Than anything.

Except for bacon.

205th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

1135

Dear Earth Diary.

Well if they’re trying to kill me, at least they chose to do it deliciously. This isn’t half bad.

Maybe one more slice. I’m already dead, no need to worry about my waistline.

Hmm, this would go great with some bacon… what’s this?

There’s a note in the cake. Which I just accidentally ate the corner of. Hopefully there wasn’t anything important in that bit.

“Sorry to hear you’ll be dying soon.”

How thoughtful. I think.

“Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a way to escape?”

Yes. Continue, unhelpful note.

“Such a shame there isn’t. I mean, there’s no way you’ll ever find out the code to your cell door is 4447-“

…DAMN IT. I ate the last number.

Is that part of a 2? Or a 7? I… damn my stomach. Or teeth. Oh just damn the entire evolution of the human digestive system.

That’s it, I’m becoming a jellyfish.

1137

Ok, so there’s really only 10 possible combinations. And from the bit I can see, it can’t be a 6, 9, 8, 5, or 4. Unless they’re really bad at numbers. So that’s only 4 options. Easy. Soon I will taste freedom!

Which hopefully tastes like cake.

Alright…

44471

PASSWORD INCORRECT. FLOOR WILL ELECTRIFY AFTER TWO MORE FAILED ATTEMPTS.

…Well great.

44472

PASSWORD INCORRECT. ONE ATTEMPT REMAINS.

Aargh! I don’t want to die! This was a bad idea.

Instead, I could just sit in my cell for a week. And then die.

Well, here goes nothing.

4447…

Which is it… 3 or 7? Life or death? Which number is my favourite –

PASSWORD ACCEPTED. THANK YOU. ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM.

It was just 4447?

YES.

And you have voice control?

YES.

But what’s on the paper? There was the edge of another number, I saw it right there on the note…

Oh. That’s a crumb.

I nearly died because of a crumb.

Yup.

…Let’s get the hell out of there.

1142

PASSWORD ACCEPTED

Should probably not leave the cake here. It was quite delicious.

Plus, um, we might get ants or something.

1145

Right, now if I was a designer of prison complexes… where would I design an exit?

All the doors look the same. Big, white, and… doory.

Guess I could try this one.

WHIIIIIIIIIIIR

Nope. A lab. Not an exit. Do labs have exits? Probably not. Alright, next one.

“Well, aren’t you going to say hello?”

Who said that?

“Over here, dummy.”

…3.0? Is that you?

“Long time no see.”

Well, I actually can’t see you.

“Look down.”

Are you on the floor?

“Cold.”

The table?

“Warm!”

You’re not on the table. There’s just lab equipment and a brain in a jar. Ew.

“Gee, thanks.”

…You’re a brain in a jar?

“So they tell me. I don’t have eyes.”

Oh my God. What did they do to you?

“They made me into a brain. And then put me in a jar.”

I don’t know what to say.

“Hello would work.”

204th Entry

June 3^rd, 2037

0933

Dear Earth Diary.

So. I’m…

1147

…going…

1303

…to…

2359

…die.

June 4^th 2037

0001

Well. That was a waste of a day. And/or life.

I want nothing more than to just go to sleep and forget all about it, but I’m wide awake. Which I’m guessing is pretty much my brain saying ‘hey, you don’t exactly have a whole lot of life yet. You should make the most of what you do have.

Seriously. Get up, you lazy bastard.

My brain is nice that way.

What’s most frustrating is I’d really started to believe that Mary’s plan, whatever it is, might just work.

And hopefully it will. But I won’t be part of it. Three cheers for bad timing.

0024

Wait a minute. I’m being far too defeatist about this. I’m not prepared to die yet. I can escape from here. I will escape from here! I’ve been in worse situations than this!

That whole space thing, for example.

I feel so much better. I can do this! The time to act is –

1123

“Good morning.”

…now.

“Now what?”

Never mind, just finishing a sentence. Was I asleep?

“Like a log.”

Do logs sleep?

“Like logs.”

What can I do for you? The execution hasn’t been moved ahead has it?

“No, I just wanted to deliver this cake to you.”

You made me a cake?

“My daughter wanted to thank you for the autograph.”

Why does your daughter even know who I am?

“You’re kind of a hero.”

But I haven’t done anything heroic.

“As I said. Kind of.”

I don’t understand.

“You know how you talk to yourself a lot?”

I’m sorry. Old habit from when it was being recorded.

“We heard them. Everyone’s heard them.”

I didn’t even think NASA had heard them.

“Someone’s been posting them online. We all know where you’ve been, what you’ve seen. What they were trying to do.”

Who, do, what?

“The clone city! Cloning’s illegal. As is sending people into space to die.”

I don’t exactly know that they meant for me to die.

“Not you. Mary.”

Then why isn’t your daughter baking her cakes?

“Nobody knows where she is. She’s disappeared.”

So, hang on, NASA sent Mary into space and wanted her ship to fail?

“Not NASA. The people who hired NASA.”

Who’s that?

“I dunno. Everything we know comes from your recordings. There are groups piecing together the cryptic clues you left us. The inner meaning of all those seemingly crazy things you did.”

Um, some of those crazy things were just crazy things.

“I have to go. Just eat your cake, and know that a lot of people here are on your side”

What, did you hide a file in it?

“Wouldn’t get past the x-ray. Everything in there is organic.”

Sounds very appetizing.

“I have to go. Eat your cake.”

Wait! Poison is organic!

…He’s not coming back.

1131

On the one hand, it could be a trap.

On the other hand… Cake.

203rd Entry

June 3^rd, 2037

0903

Dear Earth Diary

“All rise.”

We’re the only ones here.

“Court is now in session.”

What court? There’s no one here.

BE SEATED, DEFENDANT. GAVEL. GAVEL.

What on earth is that?

I AM JUDGEATRON 4000. HERE TO DISPENSE JUSTICE. ALSO COMPLIMENTARY COFFEE.

This is ludicrous.

CAPPUCINO. ONE MOMENT SIR OR MADAM.

“Court cases are settled by computer now. Where have you been?”

Space.

“The Judgeatron 4000 is the leading justice computer on the market, after the JuryRigged was recalled over hacking allegations. With its 12 CPUs and the latest in Antiwitnessleading technology we can rest easy that the right people are behind bars. But hey, don’t judge it until you try it.”

Did you just wink at me?

“Sorry. Seemed appropriate.”

I see.

“Also, the coffee’s quite good.”

Excellent.

YOUR COFFEE IS READY SIR OR MADAM.

Thank you.

STEAMING HOT COFFEE, STEAMING HOT JUSTICE. EVERY TIME.

Great.

BE SEATED. ORDER IN THE COURT. WARNING. MILK SUPPLIES LOW. GAVEL. GAVEL.

I am going to die.

PROSECUTION. YOU MAY BEGIN. GAVEL.

PLEASE WAIT. LOADING PROSECUTION.

HEY. BUDDY. YOU’RE GUILTY. JUST ADMIT IT SO WE CAN GO HOME EARLY.

“Objection.”

SUSTAINED. THE PROSECUTION WILL REFRAIN FROM BADGERING THE WITNESS.

UNDERSTOOD. PLEASE FORGIVE ME. I AM DISTRACTED BECAUSE MY WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR.

This is ridiculous! I don’t trust this thing to run a fair trial!

“Its track record is irrefutable. It is concerned with nothing but handing down justice.”

PLEASE EMPTY SUGAR TRAY

But it’s also the Prosecution!

“It’s efficient. Can we get on, Mr. Justice?”

PLEASE. CALL ME JUDGEY.

“No. I believe it was time for the verdict?”

Hang on, what about the trial?

“Oh we did that before. The Judgeatron has been given full access to all court files and data and is able to accurately declare justice in 0.000003 seconds. That’s well below the justice benchmark.”

What, did you memorise the pamphlet?

“I wrote the pamphlet.”

Isn’t that a conflict of interest?

“Why? He’s not convicting me, after all.”

But if he’s already completed the trial, why have I just sat through this… this… whatever this was?

“Overtime.”

For goodness’ sake.

“I’ve got children to feed.”

Aren’t you worried what they’ll think when they find out their dad is corrupt?

“Oh they’re not my children.”

PLEASE WAIT. LOADING VERDICT.

…

VERDICT LOADED. CHECKING FOR UPDATES.

DOWNLOADING LATEST PATCH.

ADDITIONAL FONT PACKAGES REQUIRED. DO YOU WISH TO DOWNLOAD THEM NOW?

No.

PLEASE WAIT. DOWNLOADING ADDITIONAL FONT PACKAGES.

VERDICT COMPLETE. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR IT NOW?

Yes. Sure. Get it over with.

THE DEFENDANT IS FOUND…

…Yes?

PLEASE EMPTY SUGAR TRAY.

Just give me my damn verdict!!

THE DEFENDANT IS FOUND… GUILTY.

What a surprise.

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN TAKING A SHORT SURVEY ABOUT YOUR COURTROOM EXPERIENCE? SUBMIT YOUR RESPONSE AND ENTER THE DRAW TO WIN A FREE RETRIAL.

0930

Back in my cell. What a ridiculous morning.

Execution is set June 10^th, 1445.

Which is about 20 minutes before Mary saves the day.

…yaaaaaaaaaaay.

202nd Entry

June 1^st, 2037

1030

Dear Earth Diary.

Just finished the meeting with my lawyer. To be honest I’m not entirely convinced he’s the right man for the job. Except the job is apparently “get me convicted” so maybe he is.

The meeting consisted entirely of him sitting in the corner reading the newspaper until he’d been there long enough to charge overtime on his bill to NASA. I know this because he told me this when he sat down. Occasionally he would glance over at my direction and burst out laughing.

Still, I’m not bothered. Mary has given me hope. All I have to do is trust her, and wait. Soon we’ll be out of there.

I just need to wait.

1043

I am so bored.

1400

Are we free yet?

1500

Nothing’s going to happen today. Maybe I’ll take a nap.

1509

“You awake, prisoner?”

Now I am.

“Message for you from M.”

Who’s M?

“I probably shouldn’t say her name all at once.”

What’s the rest of her name then?

“…Ary. Message. Read it.”

Thank you. … ’June 10^th, 1503, give or take.’ What does that mean?

“It sounds like a date and time.”

I would never have worked that out.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Anything else?

“Yes. Sign here.”

It’s not a death warrant, is it?

“No it’s fine. I just need you to sign it.”

Fine. Whatever. Do you have a pen?

“Sure.”

…What is this?

“It’s my limited edition supanovey fun pen.”

How is this more fun than a regular pen?

“It’s got ‘fun’ written on it.”

How wonderful.

…

Um, where is the writing bit?

“Oh it’s here. Now just twist the third leg that way twice and –“

Yeah, yeah. I got it. Here.

“Thank you.”

Don’t mention it.

“My daughter is going to be so thrilled.”

June 2^nd, 1037

1100

Dear Earth Diary.

Another meeting with the lawyer. This time he stood outside the cell and counted the money in his wallet. At least he wasn’t laughing at me this time.

I checked out the star again last night. It was still there. Still a star. I thought for a second it had blinked off, but it was probably me that blinked, not it.

No word from M. Ary today, I’ll just have to assume the plan is in motion. And continue to wait.

I tried tapping to see if 3.0 was there but nothing. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

So. Waiting. That’s me. Waiting patiently.

1800

Still waiting. Less patiently.

June 3^rd, 2037

0900

Dear Earth Diary

“Good morning, Guilty!”

Will you stop calling me that?

“Just saving some time.”

Oh go away. I don’t care if you want to bill them for the meeting, just leave me alone.

“I’m pretty sure you want me here today.”

I really don’t.

“Fine. Defend yourself.”

What?

“Your trial. It’s starting.”

What? Let’s go!

“Soon. Funny Story: did you know late people are usually guilty?”