193rd Entry

May 9^th, 2037

1330

Dear Space Diary

“For  the last time, let us in!”

No!

“We promise we won’t hurt you.”

You’ve already hurt me multiple times.

“…More.”

Try again.

“Listen. You’re in a lot of trouble. If you come out now I’ll do my best to protect you.”

You’re the one trying to arrest me!

“Alright, if you don’t come out I’ll make it even worse for you.”

You’ve already told me I’m going to get the worst possible punishment. What are you going to do, give me a 2^nd life sentence?

“…”

Any other avenues you’d like to try?

“Dude, tell him we have cookies!”

“Shut up, intern… um, we have…”

Nope.

“Damn it. We’ll be back. Come on. It’s not like he’s going anywhere. We’ll be back, do you hear me?”

You’re shouting. So yes.

STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP

Thank goodness for that. If I hadn’t bolted myself in here, they would have stormed in and I’d be locked up again. Or dead. Either way I’ll call this a win.

Now, how to escape from the room that I’ve bolted myself into.

Preferably without them finding out that I’ve escaped. The longer they’re distracted here, the more time the Mary’s have to swing into action.

So… how do I get out?

1340

Ok, so the door is bolted. The sink is fixed to the wall. There’s no secret passageway in the cupboard and the window doesn’t open. That’s a good thing, because where it leads to is space.

I am improperly dressed for space.

Which means that I am… out of options. Unless… where’s that breeze coming from?

1343

Found it!

There’s a ventilation duct in the corner of the room. A big one too. I’m not the thinnest guy in the room (wait, yes I am), but I should be able to fit in quite easily. The grates just screwed in too. There are only two possible problems.

One, it’s waaaay up there in the corner. It’s going to take some reaching.

And two. Breeze means fans. Big fans. Big, sharp, spinning death fans.

But it's the best chance I've got.

First, I’m going to need to get up there.

1347

Urgh.

Yaaaargh.

Eeeeeeeeeeeuuuurgh.

Damn it, why are tall things so heavy?

Ok, cupboard successfully under the vent. Looks high enough to comfortably reach the vent!

Now, how do I get on the cupboard?

1353

EEEEEEUUURRGGGH.

Why are short things heavy? Damn it, everything’s just heavy.

But a cabinet, two shelves, and a table are now all under the vent, arranged a suitably gradual staircase fashion.

I expended quite a lot of effort in order to be quite lazy.

I’ve also found a sturdy looking pipe that I think could be used as fan stopper. We’ll have to see how that plays out.

Almost managed to pry it free from the…

FZZZZZT KSSSHHHHH BZZZZZZZZZZZZ VVVVVVUUuuuuuuuuuuu

…What did I just do?

Whoa!

The gravity just went off. I can just float to the vent!

…after moving everything.

192nd Entry

May 9^th, 2037

1204

Dear Space Diary.

Oh, so I have. Butterfingers.

“Here, let me pick it up for you.”

Thanks. Actually I’m left handed.

“Oh, sorry dude. I’ll just move it over.”

You’re too kind.

“What are you using the pen for, anyway? Trying to write something? Do you want me to find some paper?”

No, actually. I’m going to use it escape.

“Hahaha. With a pen? You’re a funny dude. I like that in a dude.”

Er, thanks. I have a fiancé.

“Your loss, man. Later, chiller.”

VEEEEEEEEEEE

Young whippersnapper.

Stupid, stupid, wonderfully helpful young whippersnapper. Now let me just reach round here and…

CLICK

…

CLUNK

It worked! I did it! I’m free! YES!!!!

…oh bugger.

1207

Good, they didn’t hear me.

CLICK

CLUNK

CLICK

CLUNK

CLICK

CLUNK

CLICK

…

Come on you stupid rusted piece of –

CLUNK

There we go. Right. First thing’s first. Lock myself in so they can’t get in. One of these bolts will do just fine.

CLUNK

CLICK

Perfect. Step 2. Have to contact the Marys. They must be up by now. I just hope I can find them before Army Dude and Hippy Face get to them. They should be hard to find though, so long as they know we’re not alone? Mary followed me for ages without me noticing. Both young and old. They must be awesome at staying out of sight.

Yeah. So long as they don’t accidentally make themselves known before they realise we’ve got company, this should be a walk in the park.

A walk in the space park. Which has no atmosphere.

In fact, how are we going to escape? Mary’ll think of something. She’s smarter than me. Although, I did just solve the mystery of the bolts, so move over, sisters.

CLICK

…What was that?

“HELLO? IS THIS THING ON?”

Oh no. Stop, stop.

“WHERE ARE YOU MAN? IT’S 3.0. MARY’S HERE TOO.”

Shut up! Shut up! Don’t let them know where you -

“WE’RE IN THE SLEEPING QUARTERS. DID YOU FORGET THE CODE AGAIN? IT’S –“

No!!!!!

“3. 3. 4. 5.”

…AAARRGH!!!!!!

CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK

3.0! Can you hear me?

“HEY! MORNING!! DID YOU SLEEP WELL?”

Shut up and listen! I can hear you! The whole ship can hear you!

“WELL DUH. IT’S THE SHIP BROADCAST SYSTEM.”

There are people here! On the ship! From NASA! They would have heard it too! They had me trapped, but they don’t know I’ve escaped! You’ve both got to get out of there now, they’re coming for you!

“SHIT. WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SOMETHING?”

I couldn’t find the intercom! Listen, if they find you, I don’t know what they’ll do to you. You have to hide! Get off comms. I’ll come and find you, just go! Now!

“WE’RE GOING. WILL YOU BE OK? WHAT? OH. HANG ON A MOMENT.”

What?

“IT’S MARY HERE. LISTEN, YOU’RE TALKING ON THE SHIPWIDE TOO, YEAH? SO DOESN’T THAT MEAN THEY CAN HEAR YOU TOO?”

…Gotta go.

“SAME. BE SAFE.”

Thanks. You too.

CLICK

191st Entry

May 9^th, 2037

1145

Dear Space Diary

“What’s behind the locked door?”

I don’t know. It’s locked. Please don’t hit me! I really don’t know!

“Fine.”

VEEEEEEEEEEE

Well. Thank goodness for that.

I think by getting punched in the face so often I’ve lulled Grunty McSoldierFace into thinking I genuinely don’t know anything. Fortunately he left before he punched me enough that it became true.

Speaking of locked doors though, The Marys are probably going to wake up soon if they haven’t already. I’ve got to get to them before he does and warn them we’re not alone. This is slightly difficult given I’m effectively bolted to this cupboard. Which is bad for a) me, and b) the cupboard.

So, my current objectives are:

1. Escape captivity.
2. Warn the Marys.

3. Wash the taste of that nutrient bar out of my mouth. Possibly with some kind of drainage cleaner.

To be honest, it’s probably going to be 1, 3, 2. I’d be happiest if it was 3, 1, 2.

Fortunately, escape is easier than they thought it would be. Jokes on you guys, you used no-lock single twist bolts on these straps. I’ll admit I might have had some trouble if you’d opted for triple twist dual-locks, but this is child’s play. Who did you think you’d marooned in deep space? I used to work in assembly before you threw me in that stupid pod. Time for me to shine.

The secret is that while the no-lock single twists are firm enough and are certified for interior pressurised construction, they feature a self-release mechanism so you can, for example, get past a broken door if it’s an emergency. Such as, the ship is on fire.

And I know where the release is. Just have to press it, and these straps will be off in no time.

Now, I just need to move my hand, and…

Oh yeah, I’m tied up.

Hmm. Well, that was a lot of bravado over nothing.

If only I had something I could poke them with, I could reach them! Even a pen would do.

Wait! I have a pen in my shirt pocket! I just need to take it out and… oh yeah. Tied up.

1203

Ok, I can just about reach the pen with my teeth and…

Dropped it. Great. Now how am I going to…

VEEEEEEEEEE

“Dude. What’s with all the noise? Army dude’s getting all worked up.”

Sorry. Just trying to escape.

“Man. Just give up. Enjoy the ride. I bolted you in myself. It’s not like those bolts are going to just pop out or anything.”

Yeah. I guess I’d have to be really stupid to think that.

“It’s ok man. We’re all stupid, you know?”

Really? You?

“Surprising, I know.”

Totally. Um. Dude.

“Now you’re getting it. Hey, um. Are there really no clones on board?”

Told you. I lost them.

“Bummer.”

Don’t suppose you could help me escape?

“Sorry.”

Worth a shot.

“Oh hey, you dropped your pen.”

190th Entry

May 9^th, 2037

1013

Dear Space Diary

Thank heavens they’ve gone. The creepy marine guy told the differently creepy intern to guard me at first, then changed his mind and told him to search for any clones on board. They don’t seem to have told them how many. He may even be expecting 200.

He’ll be a little disappointed when he discovers those last two zeros are unnecessary.

They don’t seem to be clued in that we were using the sleep pods. I don’t think the marine guy got too many orders beyond “secure the cargo,” since he keeps repeating it at the intern whenever he asks any questions.

They don’t seem to have any specific orders about me. That’s either good, or very, very bad. I heard the word disposable before. I really hope they weren’t talking about me.

The intern at least seems like a good, if stupid, person. He tied me up as ordered, but he didn’t look happy about it. And he slipped me a NASA nutrient brick when we weren’t being watched.

Of course, since my hands are both tied to this cupboard here, by slipped, I mean he stuffed it in my mouth.

…Urgh. I’m pretty sure this nutrient brick is cold dry nutritional paste that they’ve cut into brick form. NASA must really not like their interns.

Maybe he wasn’t being nice. Maybe he just wanted me stop talking.

So. This all kind of sucks bigtime. I honestly thought we were home free. I was working on talking Mary out of breaking into NASA, at least until we’d found somewhere to keep 3.0 safe. I’m not sure how smart it was letting her come back with us. If NASA get her, surely they can make more clones for whatever their nefarious purposes are.

I suppose I could make the same argument and letting Mary come back.

Hmm.

They’ll find them any minute now I –

VEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

“Who were you talking to?”

What? No one.

SLAP

“Who were you talking to?”

Ow! Stop that. I… I was talking to myself.

“Why?”

At this point? Habit.

“Why?”

Ugh. NASA asked me to keep a voice log of everything I did. I’ve kind of gotten used to it.

“You are guilty of 27 crimes of treason against NASA and their client. Do you honestly think they care what you have to say at this stage?”

Well, given we’ve successfully beaten them at every turn, yes. I gather they’d be very interested.

SLAP

“Good point.”

Did you just come in here to slap me or did you need something?

“Where are they?”

Where are who?

“The clones. Where are they? How many am I looking for?”

What clones? We got them all off the ship weeks ago. A few stayed but… but I lost them.

“You are lying. These engines do not function without a clone presence.”

We fooled them.

“How?”

With about 200 oranges.

“200 oranges.”

And an avocado.

“So our search –“

Is fruitless.

SLAP

“Ha.”

189th Entry

May 8th, 2037

0845

Dear Space Diary

So there’s a dead guy on the floor of the spaceship. Kind of wish that would stop happening to me.

Actually to be honest I’m not sure he’s dead. Not even sure he’s a ‘he.’ He or she (or it, I guess) is on the floor and not moving. That fit’s the criteria for dead, but also for asleep, just having a think, and really, really drunk. My guess is that they slipped and hit their head on the back of their space suit.

Oh yeah. They’re in a space suit. With an opaque helmet. Hence the whole could be anybody.

They don’t seem to be getting up anytime soon, and I couldn’t work out how to get the helmet off, so I’m sitting here eating my bacon until they wake up.

What I do know is I don’t trust them. Why not? The NASA logo on their chest was all I needed.

So I’m sitting here. Just me, my bacon, and this very large spare pipe I found. Waiting until I found out what I do next.

0902

“Ugh.”

About time.

“Where am I?”

On the floor.

“What happened to my head?”

There was butter on the floor. And then you.

“Who are you?”

Pass. Can I ask some questions now?

“Er, I guess?”

Thanks. Who the hell are you and what do you want?

“Hey man, leave me alone! You’re messing with my flow.”

…What the hell does that even mean?

“Square.”

What square?

“Ugh. They never said you’d be such a moron. Well, they did. I just didn’t believe them.”

Who are you?

“I’m an intern. They sent me up here to find you.”

What? You’re going to catch me?

“Chill man. No I’m not going to catch you.”

Good.

“I’m just the decoy.”

THUMP.

“About time, Jones.”

“I believe we have discussed the importance of not messing with the flow!”

Ow.

“Sorry, man.”

1013

Ugh. Where am I? Why’s it so dark?

“Hey man! He’s waking up!”

“Don’t call me man. Is the sedative ready yet?”

“No.”

THUMP

Ow.

May 9^th, 2037

0938

Ugh.

“He’s awake!”

Please don’t’ hit me!

“It’s cool man. I’m a pacifist.”

You’ve hit me twice already.

“Nah, that was the other dude. Don’t mess with ‘em.”

I’ll try not to.

“Good. Hey listen I don’t like this. You’re kind of a hero in intern circles. We know the truth man. What they’re doing.”

Then why are you helping them?

“Gotta get a good report man. I don’t want to flunk.”

My heart bleeds.

“You should probably see a doctor about that.”

VEEEEEEEEEEEE

“Ah. There you are.”

Who are –?

SLAP

“I hope that makes how this is going to work clear.”

…Yes.

“Good.”

So what’s going on?

“We’re taking you to Earth. Where you’ll answer for your crimes.”

Last time I checked, NASA wasn’t a registered police force in the United States.

“That’s ok. Not going to the United States. Oh, and also…”

SLAP

188th Entry

May 8^th, 2037

0744

Dear Space Diary

Where’s my bacon?

I wanted that bacon. It was mine. Where is it? Did I knock it on the floor? Did the cleaning bots get it? Was it rats? Space rats?

…Are there such a thing as space rats? No, probably not.

I’m actually not even sure if there’s such a thing as cleaning bots. The place is kept pretty clean sure, but then we haven’t actually made a whole lot of mess. Let’s do a test.

0747

Well that’s one mystery solved. But now there’s butter all over the floor.

Maybe I should have just tested one small area rather than just going to town on the floor. I thought it might produce a faster response. As it turned out all it produced was more butter on the floor.

There’s no trace of the bacon. It’s just gone. Who would do such a thing?

…3.0? Mary? Are you guys up.

I bet they’re waiting just out of view, ready to leap in and yell surprise.  They probably planned the whole thing to scare me as some kind of elaborate April fool’s. Well the joke’s on them.

It’s May.

Alright guys, very funny. You can give me my bacon back now.

Hmm.

Maybe they're hiding by the sleep pods. I’ll go and… whoa!

That butter is really slippery.

0750

Bloody door’s closed again. Good thing I remember the code.

…It’s not working. But I used it less than an hour ago. Why would the code change? The only way to change it is if you put in an override. Which I don’t know. Unless it’s the same as the code. Which would be a really stupid idea. Guess I shouldn’t rule it out.

Thank goodness it opens from the inside. They’ll just have to open it when they wake up.

Guess I must have imagined the bacon. My head is still pretty fuzzy from the sleep gas. I’ll go make some more.

Would be nice if I imagined the butter too but sadly I’m pretty sure I didn’t.

0800

…Ok now I’m questioning my sanity.

The bacon. Is back.

I’m very glad to see it and it tastes delicious. But where did it go?

…I really must be still fuzzy. Maybe I should lie down and clear my head.

0830

One of the drawbacks of being asleep for a month: I can’t sleep. I suppose that’s be expected.

Head is feeling pretty clear. But it was before too. I’ll give it a few more minutes.

THUMP

What was that? Did we hit something? Hang on, it wasn’t that huge a thump. Something must have fallen off a shelf somewhere.

Came from the kitchen I think. Maybe I forgot to put the plate away. I hope I didn’t break it. Butter and crockery. Just what I need.

0833

Don’t even know if we have a mop. Maybe in one of the 50 cupboards we…

Who the hell are you?!

And why are you unconscious?

187th Entry

May 6^th 2037

0655

Dear Space Diary

Must…

0657

Try…

0659

And focus.

Ugh. My head feels like a cement truck poured cement on my head from a cement truck that poured cement on my head.

…Wow I’m really out of it.

Starting to clear up a bit though. My eyes are still a little fuzzy but I can see… what’s that button say? …Snooze? What happens if I –

May 8^th 2037

0659

…Ah.

Feel remarkably clearer. The gas must take a while to get out of your system.

So the big question is how do I actually get out of here?

…hang on, there’s something written on the door. I swear that wasn’t there a moment ago.

T   PE    OR

 LEASE  MONS ATE

YOU ARE   AKE

…What the hell does that mean? I am ake? What’s an ake?

Hang on, there’s more letters.

TO PEN OR

PLEASE DEMONS  ATE

YOU ARE AWAKE

That makes even less sense! To pen or please demons with food? And they’re awake? What?

TO OPEN DOOR

PLEASE DEMONSTRATE

YOU ARE AWAKE

Ah, that’s more like it. But how do I demonstrate that I am awake?

<CONFIRMED>

PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

…Well that was easy.

0704

As a note to any would be travellers who think that suspended animation is all glamorous. Food waste tubes. Less than pleasant to remove.

But at least I’m out of there. But where, exactly? It’s been a month according to the clock. Am I… are we home? Will I see Earth if I look out the window.

0707

Nope. Do those stars look familiar? Who am I kidding? I don’t know stars. Certainly not on a first name basis.

Hang on, maybe it’s the wrong window. If we’re heading for Earth, I should probably be looking out…

0711

Oh my.

That’s the Earth. The actual real Earth.

I’m home.

Look! There’s… actually what country IS that?

Oh who cares? I’m home!!!!

I gotta wake the Marys. They’ll want to see this. 3.0’s never even seen it before!

0713

Hmm. Thought I left the door open. Must auto close? What did she say the code was? Um… got it!

Hmm, Mary’s left me a note.

“I’ve woken you up a few days early so you can get some quiet time like you wanted. I’ve set our timers to wake up at 0900 on May the 9^th. The ship is yours till then. If you want to contact the Marys and see how they’re going I’m sure they’d appreciate it.

Have fun!

-Mary (the real one)”

Thanks Mary. Hmm, good idea. Then a day to myself to rest.

After sleeping for a month.

Eh.

0743

Marys are well.  No sign of NASA being up to anything, so I think the plan worked!

Cooked up a few serves of bacon. Not eggs and bacon. Just bacon. Because, well, because bacon. Left it cooling while I had a shower.

Heading back to the kitchen now, whereupon I shall feast on -

Hey, where did it go?

186th Entry

April 13^th, 2037

1030

Dear Space Diary

“Ok, well, I’m all set. Goodnight.”

Wait. I’m coming too.

“Really? You’re going into suspended animation?”

Mm. Well there’s nothing really left to do. I’ve spent the last week doing nothing but saving people’s lives. To be honest, I’m tired. 3 and half weeks in suspended animation sounds just the ticket.

“4 weeks.”

3 and a half. I’m an early riser. And it’ll give me a chance to clean the ship etc.

“I didn’t know you cleaned.”

Hey.

1111

“I said, hold still.”

It’s pretty uncomfortable in here. I don’t know I’m going to be able to get to sleep.

“It’s suspended animation. What do you want, a fluffier pillow?”

Yes please.

“Hold still.”

I don’t sleep well at the best of times. How am I going to sleep with all these tubes?

“That’s what the tubes are there for. Hold. Still.”

Tubes provide sleep?

“They provide food and… anti-food. You get gassed to sleep. Charming I know. Aaaaaand… done. How do you feel?”

I feel ow.

“Excellent. Ok, you’re on five minute timer. It’ll count down and slowly release the sleeping agent into your system. When you awake, we’ll be home.”

Unless we’re inside the sun.

“If we are inside the sun, you will not awake.”

This does not reassure me.

<CLICK>

“Ok you’re all set. Now, the pod is soundproof, so when I close the mghrl fghrl bllgrghl.”

Sorry, Mary, I didn’t catch that.

…

Hello?

Ah, the door’s closed. I’ll just open it and ask what she said.

…There’s no open switch from the inside.

I’m trapped inside a tiny, tiny box with no way out unless Mary realises I’m trapped and lets me out. And I can’t tell her this because it’s sound proof. Why would you make a suspension pod sound proof?! Were you worried they’d snore? Thank goodness Mary wasn’t trying to tell me anything important or anything!

Ok, calm down. You don’t really want to spend your time panicking before you’re rendered unconscious.

…That doesn’t calm me down. Ok think, think. Stay calm. Mary did this before and she was fine. What would she say right right now?

She’d say ‘mghrl fghrl bllgrghl.’

But if I could hear her, she’d say ‘Be calm.’ So let’s be calm. Deep breaths.

…wow, that actually worked. I never knew deep breathing actually did calm you down. Or maybe it’s the gas coming out of that vent.

Oooooh, that feels good. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Wow. Starting to feel drowsy. What happens if they used too much? Probably won’t wake up for centuries. If I wake up at all…

Hehehehehehehe. This gas is REALLLLLY good. Almost makes it a shame that I’m going to have to –

May 6^th 2037

0654

- go to sleep soon.

Oh well, guess I better settle back, get ready for sleep. It can’t be that far off.

Aaah. This gas really clears your head. Or fills it. I’m confused.

Hehe, look at that clock. It can’t spell April.

185th Entry

April 13^th, 2037

0906

Dear Space Diary

…I get to detonate the bombs?

“I thought you’d like it.”

But what if I mess it up?

“I’m not asking you to rewire the things. It’s a button. You press it.”

When do I press it?

“Whenever you’d like. But now’d be good.”

Why now?

“Your pod will jump to lightspeed sometime today. The rocks will spread a bit better if the door’s open before then. But given we’re talking about distances in terms of light years; I suppose it doesn’t really matter. So whenever you like.”

Why me?

“I felt bad about launching the ships without you. I know, I know I’ve done a lot of the thinking, and the Marys have done a lot of the lifting. And I know Bobo is cuter than you are…”

Hey.

“But we couldn’t have done this without you. The Marys are going to be safe, because of you. So I guess I just wanted to say thank you.”

Oh. Um, that’s alright.

“And I know I’ve been a bit –“

Insane?

“Grumpy. I’ve just been a bit disappointed about… things. You know –“

Yes, yes I know. You don’t need to say it.

“Oh good. Because this conversation was getting really awkward.”

Getting?

0915

Ok, here goes.

…

Any minute now.

…

No problem at-

“JUST PUSH IT!”

<CLICK>

…Did it work?

“Yep.”

But nothing happened. Shouldn’t there be an explosion or something?

“…Boom?”

Ha ha.

“The ships are lightyears away. If we could hear the explosion, something would be very, very wrong.”

But how do we know it worked?

“By following me.”

0917

“I’m tracking your pod. It turns out tracking an object hurtling through the universe at faster than the speed of light requires a lot of calculations. And it turns out that trying to do this while you are also in an object hurtling through the universe at faster than the speed of light requires even more calculations. Like, twice as many. But I’m managing it.”

And you told me this…

“To remind you that I’m awesome. And a bit of a genius.”

Fair enough.

“Also, I’m rather good looking.”

How’s the ship looking?

“Sigh. Yes it’s looking good too. Now that I’ve got a link, I’ve hacked into its own cameras. We can scan from it, take pictures from it. Even control it remotely.”

Any good pictures?

“I thought you might like this one.”

Well. It’s a lot of rocks. Or comets, or something. It’s a bit streaky.

“It was taken at lightspeed. Just be happy the camera didn’t implode. But yes, it’s rocks. The bomb worked. The plan worked.”

You mean they’re safe?

“Utterly.”

What about the Zubrin?

“The Marys report it’s on track to orbit around the planet you picked.”

How do they know?

“They  have a telescope.”

Oh. So… we’ve won!

“Not yet. We still need to steal the charts from NASA. But for now, we’ve won.”

Congratulations.

“Thanks. You too.”

What now?

“Now, we sleep.”