189th Entry

May 8th, 2037

0845

Dear Space Diary

So there’s a dead guy on the floor of the spaceship. Kind of wish that would stop happening to me.

Actually to be honest I’m not sure he’s dead. Not even sure he’s a ‘he.’ He or she (or it, I guess) is on the floor and not moving. That fit’s the criteria for dead, but also for asleep, just having a think, and really, really drunk. My guess is that they slipped and hit their head on the back of their space suit.

Oh yeah. They’re in a space suit. With an opaque helmet. Hence the whole could be anybody.

They don’t seem to be getting up anytime soon, and I couldn’t work out how to get the helmet off, so I’m sitting here eating my bacon until they wake up.

What I do know is I don’t trust them. Why not? The NASA logo on their chest was all I needed.

So I’m sitting here. Just me, my bacon, and this very large spare pipe I found. Waiting until I found out what I do next.

0902

“Ugh.”

About time.

“Where am I?”

On the floor.

“What happened to my head?”

There was butter on the floor. And then you.

“Who are you?”

Pass. Can I ask some questions now?

“Er, I guess?”

Thanks. Who the hell are you and what do you want?

“Hey man, leave me alone! You’re messing with my flow.”

…What the hell does that even mean?

“Square.”

What square?

“Ugh. They never said you’d be such a moron. Well, they did. I just didn’t believe them.”

Who are you?

“I’m an intern. They sent me up here to find you.”

What? You’re going to catch me?

“Chill man. No I’m not going to catch you.”

Good.

“I’m just the decoy.”

THUMP.

“About time, Jones.”

“I believe we have discussed the importance of not messing with the flow!”

Ow.

“Sorry, man.”

1013

Ugh. Where am I? Why’s it so dark?

“Hey man! He’s waking up!”

“Don’t call me man. Is the sedative ready yet?”

“No.”

THUMP

Ow.

May 9^th, 2037

0938

Ugh.

“He’s awake!”

Please don’t’ hit me!

“It’s cool man. I’m a pacifist.”

You’ve hit me twice already.

“Nah, that was the other dude. Don’t mess with ‘em.”

I’ll try not to.

“Good. Hey listen I don’t like this. You’re kind of a hero in intern circles. We know the truth man. What they’re doing.”

Then why are you helping them?

“Gotta get a good report man. I don’t want to flunk.”

My heart bleeds.

“You should probably see a doctor about that.”

VEEEEEEEEEEEE

“Ah. There you are.”

Who are –?

SLAP

“I hope that makes how this is going to work clear.”

…Yes.

“Good.”

So what’s going on?

“We’re taking you to Earth. Where you’ll answer for your crimes.”

Last time I checked, NASA wasn’t a registered police force in the United States.

“That’s ok. Not going to the United States. Oh, and also…”

SLAP