220th Entry

June 5^th, 2037

0802

Dear Earth Diary

I think this is it… wait, maybe I’m just really unfit.

…No, I can barely move the other boxes, but this one I can barely even barely move.

Success! I have failed at moving a box!

Ok let’s take a look.

CLUNK

Hmmm. Looks pretty much the same as the other boxes. Nutripaste tubes, some machine that I think kept them dormant… a bit of hay for them to lie on (stay classy, NASA).

All of the machines look the same. Unless I have to enter in a specific code of buttons or something.

What about the hay. Any instructions hidden in there?

Oh hang on, what’s this? Something buried under there.

It’s a big red button and a sign.

THIS BUTTON IS EXTREMELY BORING AND NOT AT ALL IMPORTANT. PLEASE DO NOT PRESS IT.

…Nice try?

CLICK

…

THUNK

…

CLICK, CLICK, CLICK

THUNK

CHUNK

THANK YOU FOR USING MICROSOFT DOOR 2024. YOU ARE ON DAY 4748 OF YOUR 30 DAY TRIAL.

It worked! I did it! I logiced the hell out of that secret door!

Now where is it?

0805

Found it! It was over behind the pipe. A floor hatch has lifted up, revealing a staircase.

Secret lab, here I come!

0807

Dark down here. Kind of spooky, actually.

WHIIIIIRRRRR

Oh good, a green light and strange noises. That’s so much better.

THIS IS A RESTRICTED AREA. PLEASE ENTER YOUR LOGIN AND PASSWORD.

Um…

UM IS NOT A RECOGNISED LOGIN. ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?

I don’t have a login.

I DON’T HAVE A LOGIN IS NOT A RECOGNISED LOGIN. ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?

…Sign in as guest.

ONE MOMENT.

WELCOME, GUEST! PLEASE ENJOY YOUR TIME IN OUR RESTRICTED AREA.

Oh dear. NASA really need to fire their head of security.

Actually maybe that’s what happened.

0810

Well, here we are. Entering the secret lab. Who knows what horrors I’ll find within?

FLOP

I guess a piece of paper on a piece of string hanging from the roof is pretty horrifying.

…It’s a non-disclosure agreement.

There’s a door behind it marked LAB ENTRANCE.

Here we go.

0812

Well I must say on the whole I’m a little disappointed. Here I am, finally after all this time at the centre of their evil operations, and this has to be the most un-evil evil lab I’ve ever been in.

By which I mean it looks to be a pretty well designed and maintained laboratory that would probably pass the majority of workplace safety tests that I’m aware of.

It’s also completely abandoned.

“Hi there.”

Oh my God. Oh my God. MARY?

“Er. Yes?”

I don’t understand. This doesn’t make any sense.

“What doesn’t?”

Wait a moment. I need to process this. You mean, YOU were behind this all along?

“What? No!”

So now the truth comes out!

“I came up with an evil plan to strand myself on Mars and then clone myself?”

…Well how come you’re in the lab then?

“…I found it first.”