219th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

2359

Dear Earth Diary

3… 2… 1…

June 5^th, 2037

0000

Happy New… Day.

I really need to get some sleep. Well, can’t worry about that now. A large fluffy mattress at midnight is neither the time nor the place to think about getting some sleep.

…Actually.

0737

Right. Needed that. Onwards.

0739

So the pipe mouth is out. There’s no way I can get up there. I considered the forklift, but it wouldn’t go high enough, and I’d just be grabbing at dangling all over again.

While I assume my abilities would improve with practice, I’m not entirely sure the timeframe and my spine would allow it.

So I need to find another way down there. I’m going to try something I haven’t used very often in my life, but I’m told it can be quite effective.

I am going to try… logic.

GASP.

…Yes I just gasped at my own announcement. It’s been a rough few days.

Ok here goes.

1.     There must be another way down to the lab, as I’m going to presume that not everybody climbs up the pipe. Occupational Health & Safety Laws alone probably prevent that.

2.     The entrance is probably nearby. While it’s possible that the clone pipe could run for miles, I’m going to assume it doesn’t, since this seems to be a purpose built facility. So it’s probably right below us.

3.     So if there is another entrance, and if it is nearby, then it must therefore be a secret entrance.

So… I’m looking for a secret entrance, nearby!

Maybe.

Possibly.

Hopefully.

0742

If I were a secret entrance, where would I be?

To be fair, if I actually were a secret entrance, I would be unlikely to pose such a question, as I would be incapable of independent thought, or more likely, thought in general.

Fortunately as I’m not a secret entrance, I can ask such questions. However I cannot answer it, because I am not secret entrance. However, if I was a secret entrance, I couldn’t answer it anyway.

…My brain hurts and I have no coffee. Shut up and start looking.

0750

Right. Nothing around the pipe itself.

No secret door near the regular door.

No door near hiding under the mattress, but given I put that there that’s probably ok.

Only place left to look is the boxes. Which actually isn’t that far-fetched. They’re pretty high tech as far as boxes go. Life support systems and a few other things. You could hide a secret switch in one of these boxes pretty easily.

…There’s hundreds of the things.

0752

Nope.

0753

Nope.

0757

Nope.

Ugh. This is going to take forever. There’s got to be a faster way.

Ok, logic. The box is probably fixed to the shelf, as it’ll probably need to connect up to wherever the door is.

Wait, I think I remember the delivery guy complaining about one of the boxes earlier.

Although he did complain about pretty much everything.

218th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

2342

Dear Earth Diary

Ok, so after giving up trying to move some very heavy crates around and instead using a device that is actually designed to do that (I am not designed to do that), I finally have a stack of boxes that can be used a very large, very small staircase.

That last bit made no sense. The stairs themselves are large; the number of stairs is small.

Everybody understand?

Still just me? Talking to myself?

Okay then.

Actually now I think about it this is the first time today that I’ve really been by myself for any extended period of time. It’s been a long day. Oh well, only 18 minutes left.

…I should probably sleep at some point.

2349

After some highly dignified climbing that I choose not to describe, I have managed to get to the top. The pipe is right above me and in easy reach.

What I’ve yet to precisely nail down is how I’m going to climb up the pipe itself.

Hmm, well it doesn’t look toooo slippery. I hope? It’s wide enough for a person to slide out, but not so wide that I couldn’t wedge myself in and stop be falling right back out again.

2353

Ok, let’s give this a shot. Grabbed the mattress with the forklift and put that on top of the boxes, so even if I plummet I hopefully won’t be too dead.

Unless the boxes give way, in which case, who knows? Anyway. Less thinking, more not dying.

Ok, here we go. Just a small jump and OH DEAR GOD I’M GOING TO DIE

…Hey I’m alive. Cool!

May have underestimated the distance between me and the pipe, or perhaps overestimated by ability to jump. I haven’t really done jumping since Splat, and the gravity was much less there.

That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

Alright well now that I am suitably humbled, let’s try that again. If I aim right I should be able to grab the edge and pull myself up from there.

Ok… Hup!

Urgh!

I did it! I got it! Hanging on to the edge of the pipe.

…Now what do I do?

They make this look so easy. You grab the edge, pull yourself up, and away you go.

Just pull myself up, and away I go.

Away I go.

…Yeah not happening.

2355

I think I’m losing my grip. Uh oh.

Maybe I should try swinging a bit, see if I can get my foot on to the other side.

CRASH

Ok that was a bad idea.

Just kicked the boxes over. The mattress is now… over there, rather than right below me. I’m going to do some damage if I drop from this height.

Maybe I should try swinging… No! That was a terrible idea last time.

On the other hand I genuinely can’t think of a better one.

Ok, let’s aim towards the mattress, and throw myself towards it…

2356

SUCCESS!!!!

….Ow.

217th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

2200

Dear Earth Diary

Pipes in a warehouse. Warehouse pipes.

Well, I’ve no better ideas. Guess I should check it out. I was going there anyway.

2215

Alright I’m here. Come at me, pipes.

Actually don’t. Like, really don’t do that. Seriously.

Right. Pipes.

2225

There are a LOT of pipes in here. Like, dozens. I’m looking for some kind of pipe needle in a pipe haystack.

Note to self, don’t just add the word ‘pipe’ onto existing phrases.

2230

While I applaud that guard for the subtlety of his clue, (less so on his subtlety in general) I really don’t know what I’m looking for here.

There’s a bunch of pipes and ducts running along the roof. Presumably carrying water and electricity, though hopefully not at once. Nothing particularly interesting so I think I can rule them out.

Couple of pipes by the door. I think they’re just extension of the roof pipes.

There’s an absolutely massive pipe over in the far corner. Feels warm to the touch. Hmm. It is large enough to fit a person. Maybe they… pipe… the clones up here from a lab down below?

It’s not the stupidest theory I guess. They could send them up here, box them up and stack them.

Still doesn’t help me actually access the lab though.

Well, let’s think about this. If they send clones up by a pipe, then presumably it has to spit them out somewhere. And presumably it has to be somewhere low to the ground to avoid damaging the goods. And to avoid making a mess.

Ew.

Anyway, if that’s what they’re doing, it has to be around here somewhere. It’s a lot easier to see now that we’ve shipped all the clones out. But even so, this place is huge. Fortunately so is the pipe I’m looking for.

Ok. So, the pipe starts here… and goes straight down through the floor. Great. Let’s try the other way.

Starts here… and goes straight up through the roof.

Just great.

Guess I’ll just search the whole place then.

2251

Found it! At last. Way waaay over in the corner the pipe comes back down through the roof and stops about halfway down. Quite a high tech transport system, except for the bit where they just chucked an old mattress under the pipe to catch the Marys when they came through.

Budget cuts I’m guessing. Or it was originally built for something less squishy.

It also is going to make it significantly harder to get up there. There’s some empty boxes in the corner (we checked them before shipping out the Marys) that might be able to hold my weight if I stack them up.

2256

Good lord. Empty or not they’re bloody heavy.

2259

Uruuuuuururrrururrggh.

Now how the hell do I lift them?

2312

PANT, PANT, PANT

Oh God. Well… that’s… that’s one…

5 to go…

2315

Damn it! Just knocked the first box off. Back to…

Is that a forklift?

216th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

2120

Dear Earth Diary

So it’s decided then.

“Yes. Destroy the clone facility, keep the clones safe until we expose NASA’s plan, then eat cake.”

We never talked about cake.

“Are you saying you don’t want cake?”

I’d like to be clear. I never said that.

“Excellent. So it’s a plan.”

It’s a plan!

2122

…Something feels weird.

“That we actually know what we’re doing?”

Yeah I think that’s it.

“It’s a good thing. We know how to stop them! We can actually end this.”

High five!

“No.”

Ok.

2124

“Any idea where they keep the spare fuel around here?”

And we’re back.

2140

Mary and I split up and are searching for the extra fuel. I’m keeping an eye out for any additional lab facilities where they might be doing the actual clone growing. 3.0’s lab is all doused and ready to burn, but it didn’t have any facilities that could produce the large number of clones we found, so I’m guessing that was mostly research and development. Mary isn’t the largest of people, but it’s not like the clones would only be the size of 200ish oranges.

And one avocado.

The upshot being, there has to be another lab somewhere, where they could grow the clones, then send them up to the packing warehouse to be shipped out.

Problem is, I’ve been most everywhere I can think of, and there’s nothing to suggest something that big is anywhere in this facility. So unless it’s somewhere else, it must be really well hidden.

And it can’t be somewhere else, because if it was, we’d be screwed.

So it’s definitely here.

Definitely.

2150

Lacking any better ideas, I’m heading back to the warehouse to see if I can trace it backwards from there. Worth a shot I guess.

Oh, there’s one of the guards! Maybe they can help.

Hi there! Listen, I’m looking for –

…Why are you facing away from me?

Stop that.

“Nothing to report! There’s nobody here. Just an empty corridor. Tra-la-la. Wink.”

Did you just say wink?

“I’m practising being Space Guy. For fun! Not that I have seen him or ever spoken to him, or even know who he is. Wink again.”

Hey guard, since I’m not here –

“Wow, this corridor is so empty!”

...Why not remind yourself about anything you saw that might hint towards the secret clone lab, that’d be fun?

“Why, I’d be happy to, since no one is here. Of course, I’m forbidden to discuss it, even with myself. It’s in my contract.”

Of course it is.

“But it’s my lunch break soon, so I’m going to have a PIPEing hot lunch in the WAREHOUSE.”

Eh?

“Afterwards, I might smoke a PIPE.”

…Ah.

“And then I might go check out the PIPES in the WAREHOUSE.”

I got it.

“Oh thank goodness for that. Er, not that you’re here.”

It’s all good, I’m not.

“Wink!”

…Wink.

“Hot damn! Wait til I tell my kids about what did not just happen!”

215th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

2015

Dear Earth Diary

“What’s in the bag?”

Nothing!

“I don’t believe you.”

Well it’s possible that I had to carry some things, so I put them in a bag.

“What sort of things?”

I don’t know. General things. Such as… you know, a brain in a jar…

“Oh come on! How many times do we need to talk about this?”

I’ll carry her. She won’t get in the way.

“But why?”

I just thought we could give her a proper funeral when all this is over. Look if we get in trouble or if it becomes a problem, I’ll drop the bag, I promise.

“…Oh I guess so. I’m sorry I’m not trying to heartless.”

No, no it’s ok. You’re focussed on the mission. That’s valid.

“One thing. Was that bag in the room when we were dowsing everything in rocket fuel?”

Yes.

“So it’s now also doused in rocket fuel?”

…Yes.

“…Just be careful, ok? I’d prefer it if you didn’t burn to death.”

You say the sweetest things.

“NASA on the other hand can burn for all I care.”

…The sweetest things.

2111

Are you sure the test launch was this way?

“We passed that ages ago. That was all the fuel there was. We’ll need to find something else.”

Ugh. Why are secret labs always so large and confusing?

“Have you spent a lot of time in secret labs? I thought you worked here anyway.”

Not in this place. I worked over in the engineering and maintenance area. I’ve no idea what this place is.

“This is facility B. Not on the blueprints. It’s right under the launch pad.”

…How did you know that?

“I’ve been wandering about for a while. Learned a thing or two.”

Weren’t you worried you’d be caught?

“The only ones that seem to be down here are the guards. And they’re on our side since they like your talk show.”

Please don’t put it like that.

“They hear it like a show. And you talk. Talk show.”

That sounds so weird.

“You became a hero for talking to yourself and accidentally tripping over various parts of an illegal cloning operation. How weird do you want to get, because it’s already pretty weird.”

…So have you found out why they’re creating a clone army of you?

“I honestly have no idea. They couldn’t clone me on earth, so they wanted to send me to Mars. That didn’t work out so great, and twenty years later, here we are.”

Then why are they cloning 3.0? Shouldn’t that still be a problem?

“Well, 3.0 wasn’t born here per se. Or you know, at all. I’m guessing that’s a loophole. Legally speaking.”

Legally speaking?

“Not alive people don’t have rights.”

But she is… was alive.

“I dunno. Lawyers.”

Lawyers?

“Lawyers.”

So we destroy the lab, take away their clone sample, and then expose the whole thing?

“And get the clones out of here until then so they can’t just start again.”

Simple.

214th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

1940

Dear Earth Diary

“We should probably get started.”

Just give me a minute.

1941

“We should probably get started.”

…Fine.

1947

Mary is off looking for some kind of inflammable that we can use to burn down the lab.

Given NASA launch rockets from here I’m guessing it won’t be too hard to track down at least something.

I am currently engaged in some external grief management. By which I mean, smashing everything in sight with a very large hammer. Sadly I couldn’t find a crowbar but a hammer will do just fine.

Almost everything in sight, anyway. I’ve taken 3.0 and put her in a bag after checking her jar very carefully for leaks. I know she’s… dead, but I just can’t stomach leaving her here. Maybe I can try and bury her. Or at least rent a ship and toss her overboard.

Preferably away from any popular beach spots. I really don’t want to have to answer any of those questions.

Now that she’s safely stowed and spill resistant, I’ve gotten on with the mindless destruction. It’s actually…

SMASH

Very…

SMASH

Therapeutic.

SMASH

That looks important.

SMASH, SMASH, SMASH

2002

“Hey, I’m back. Found something that I think will do the job but I’d appreciate your – Oh my.”

Hello.

“You worked very fast.”

I like to be efficient.

“Scarily efficient.”

Thank you.

“Please put down the very large hammer.”

Ok.

“Thank you. Let me just take that and put it allllllll the way over here.”

Sure.

“Ok! Safety restored. Now –“

Do you want this hammer as well?

“…Yes. Yes I do.”

How about this one?

“How many of those do you have?”

2005

“Great. And now I’ll just lock these in here… And all sorted. Now, take a look at this.”

What is it?

“Rocket fuel, I think. Something I found in a test lab. Syphoned it out of a booster rocket.”

‘Rocket Fuel X. For when W just isn’t strong enough.’ Well I see their ability to name things has just gone from strength to strength.

“Fuel is fuel. And this will burn strong.”

And fast.

“Good.”

No, I mean, really fast. We don’t want to be in the same room when this goes off. Or really, the same building.

“I was thinking you could stay behind and nobly sacrifice yourself.”

…I think we’ve had enough of those for today.

“Or we could do one of those trails of fuel where you light the other end and it winds its way all the way back down to here where it explodes.”

Can we?

“Sure.”

Can we really?

“I thought you’d get a kick out of that.”

2009

Wheeeee!

“You are in a strange mood today.”

Let me have my moment.

2014

Ok so slight problem. Everything in the lab is doused with fuel.

“Good.”

But we’re out of fuel. We’re going to need some more.

“So let’s go!”

Sure. Hang on, let me just grab my bag.

“…What’s in the bag?”

Nothing.

213th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

1835

Dear Space Diary

She was one of the bravest people I knew. Unblinking in the face of danger, a constant ally that –

“What are you doing?”

I’m trying to work what I’d say at 3.0’s funeral.

“She’s unlikely to have one.”

Which is why it’s all the more important that I know what I’d say if she had one.

“If it makes you feel any better, she never had a birthday either.”

It does not.

“Sorry. Continue.”

3.0 was unique. She –

“Not she wasn’t. There were hundreds of her.”

Even so, she was unique.

“She was me. I’m me.”

You’re really not helping me deal with this.

“I’m helping me deal with this. Sarcasm as defence mechanism.”

When did you get so jaded?

“About 10 years in to my 20 years of being stuck in space. Give or take”

…OK fair enough.

“Sorry though. I know this can’t be fun.”

There’s nothing fun about it.

“No. But it’s necessary.”

I know. I know.

“…Go on.”

Go on what?

“Finish your eulogy.”

…3.0 was unique. Even amongst a crowd of completely identical clones, her enthusiasm and personality shone through. I consider her a friend, and she was the closest to the original Mary I ever found. Who incidentally is standing here right now and nodding so that’s something.

Even though she was never born, she definitely lived. And now she’s going to die. Which, well, which sucks. A lot.

She will be missed.

“She will.”

This is a serious thing we do, and we don’t do it lightly.

“Agreed.”

You ready?

“Ready.”

Get the door.

BEEP. WHIIRRRRRRRR.

Hey 3.0.

“Finally worked out you need to kill me, hey?”

1845

“Drowning?”

You’re floating in liquid, and you have no lungs.

“Tip me over?”

Too slow.

“Ooh, ooh, electrocution.”

Too dangerous. And would smell terrible.

“Not my problem.”

You are way too okay with this.

“I’m a brain in a jar. Only thing I’m good for is making clones. If you were going to shut this down, it was always going to end this way. I worked that out ages ago. Don’t know why you didn’t.”

“He’s remarkably naive isn’t he?”

“Oh don’t get me started.”

Will you both stop it? Mary do you have any ideas?

“We lower the oxygen count in her… brain juice? She still needs air to function properly. If we lower that, it’ll starve her.”

And she won’t feel pain?

“She wouldn’t even know that she’s dying.”

“Except that you just told me.”

“I promise you, you won’t.”

Why’s that?

“Because I already did it ten minutes ago.”

“You did? I didn’t notice.”

1850

“Although now that you mention it…”

1903

“Everything’s getting really…

1913

“Fuzzy.”

Is she ok?

“She’s dying. But she isn’t in pain.”

“I’m going… to sleep… for a little… is that ok?”

Sure thing 3.0. You go ahead.

1920

“Life signs are fading.”

1934

“…And that’s it.”

Oh.

“Yeah.”

…

1935

She was one of the bravest -

“Shut up.”