Dear Space Diary: January 2013

Friday, January 11, 2013

180th Entry

April 9^th, 2037

1100

Dear Space Diary

Maybe something’s happened.

“They’re fine.”

They’re meant to check in by 11.

“It is 11.”

Exactly. Where are they? Has NASA got there already?

“As far as we know NASA hasn’t even left Earth. They’re fine. They probably just slept in a bit.”

I’m worried.

“I’ve noticed. Hey, to distract you, should we be waking up 3.0?”

Hmm. I don’t know. Thoughts?

“Well, there’s not much she could really do to help. Heck, there’s not much we can really do.”

Apart from be on time for our daily meeting.

“Let it go.”

Hmph. Fine.

“So… Nah. Let’s let her sleep. At least one of us can.”

She won’t be angry to have missed out on all this?

“Why are you asking me? Ask her.”

You are her.

“True. Hmm. No, I think I’d be ok with it.”

SORRY GUYS, SLEPT IN A BIT.

“Next time we’re betting.”

1113

“After that, you’re going to need to open the left rear engine panel. Absolutely not the right. Then find the blue wire. Please confirm once located.”

Where are we up to?

“We’ve got plenty of rocks. They’ve put the biggest ones into your pod and into the Zubrin.”

The Zubrin?

“Well thanks to our impromptu departure, it’s fully fuelled and ready to go. We may as well take advantage of it.”

It works?

“Yeah. But it doesn’t have autopilot, it’s too old for that. It’s kind of a good thing though. Means we can cover a wider distance.”

Is that why they’re fiddling with the engines?

“No, they’re fiddling with the engines on your pod.”

Why? We know they work.

“Exactly. We’re breaking them.”

…I don’t understand.

“The Zubrin doesn’t have autopilot. Yours does. It’s the same as ours, so it’ll home in on it’s destination, but NASA can manually try to control it. So we’re making sure the ship keeps on course.”

Pulling out the antennas like they did on the Escape pods?

“Yup. But the Mary’s found a back up. A kill switch for the engines. So we’re removing it. And the break valve, just to be sure.”

…So in other words you are creating the very fault that NASA claims got me stuck here in the first place?

“Thought you’d appreciate that.”

So what’s the plan?

“We fill the ships with rocks. We launch them. We open the doors once they’ve taken off, the rocks fall out, neatly scattering the rocks across bits of the galaxy. NASA, with their ultra high-tech tracking systems, can’t get a fixed signal on Marysvilletopia. We go home, everybody’s happy.”

Except NASA and their evil benefactors.

“Except them.”

The people we’re heading towards.

“Yeah.”

So we’re going to be in some trouble.

“Yes. But we save the clones. Do you care?”

…No.

“Good. Besides, I reckon they’re bluffing.”

Bet your life?

“As it happens, yes.”

Bet my life?

“Far more readily.”

Gee, thanks.

“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.”

Thank you.

“You wuss.”

Hey!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

179th Entry

April 5^th, 2037

1004

Dear Space Diary

“2.0 just messaged. The EMPs are set up around the city. If they do land, their craft aren’t going to be able to take off again. Of course, that will leave a bunch of angry secret evil organisation types trapped on the same planet as them. Which is not exactly ideal.”

Well they’ll have to fight them off if it comes to that.

“With what?”

There are a great many rocks. Really heavy rocks. And I’m sure the lightdogs can help. You know, with throwing really heavy rocks at things.

“They also have lasers that are capable of cutting heavy rocks and softer fleshier things in two.”

Yes but I prefer not to think about that. Because it’s disgusting.

“Point. But look, “Rocks” are not a fully comprehensive and acceptable Plan B. Plan Q maybe.”

It does rely on any ship approaching or landing on Marysvilletopia. Ideally we’d like to stop them even getting there.

“But how do we do that?” We’re travelling at lightspeed in a ship on autopilot. We can’t control where we’re going, let alone another ship.”

Can’t we… I don’t know, nudge it off course? With some kind of intergalactic barge pole?

“I’ll ignore the supreme idiocy of the term ‘intergalactic barge pole’ and instead point out that sadly it wouldn’t work. The autopilot is all about homing. Once you put in the target, it’ll home directly in on the destination. Thanks to your pod, they’ve got a nice clear signal.”

Could the Marys knock it out?

“They could. An EMP would fry the signal nicely. But even then, there’s a back up. All that data NASA had you collect has given them sample data to search for. So long as the planet is there, the tracker can find it.”

Unless we blow it up.

“We are not blowing up the planet.”

How about moving it?

“Come on! This is serious.”

So am I. What if we moved the planet? They couldn’t find it then.

“How are we going to move an entire planet?”

That’s the beauty of it. We don’t have to. Just bits of it.

“I don’t understand.”

How powerful are their scanners? Could they detect the planet, even if it was tiny?

“Even if it was a pebble.”

Perfect. Are their explosives on the planet?

“Easy enough to make. Why?”

Here’s my plan. We blow off a reasonable size chunk of the planet and launch it into space. That way, the ship heads there instead.

“…That’s rather clever.”

Thank you.

“I mean, it’s stupid to try and blow up half a planet. The amount of explosives needed would cause all kinds of problems.”

Less thank you.

“But misdirection is perfect. We could fool the scanner so easily. We could even launch your old pod into space. Both signals would be wrong.”

So we just need to get some of the planet into space. Let’s go! I’ll go call the Marys.

“I can do you one better.”

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

178th Entry

April 4^th, 2037

1740

Dear Space Diary

“Ok so what’s this catastrophic terrible important thing you have to tell me?”

NASA have plans to collect the Marys and return them to Earth.

“…That actually is quite catastrophic, terrible, and important.”

Yes. So what are we going to do?

“Not a lot we can do from here… everything’s on autopilot.”

What about the Marys? Can they do anything?

“Hmm. Well, they could use… yes I think that might work!”

What might work?

“Quick! There’s not a moment to lose?”

Why not?

“You wouldn’t understand.”

1744

“2.0. If you can hear me, this is Mary. NASA are coming for you. I repeat, NASA are coming for you.”

0810

WHEN? HOW? WHY?

“Er. We don’t know. Probably some sort of spaceship. We don’t know.”

0820

YEAH. THANKS FOR ALL THE INFORMATION.

“This is important! You need to be ready!”

Mary’s right.

“Of course I’m right! Listen. 2.0. Go to my quarters in the city. Building 97, floor 45.”

What apartment number will they need to go to?

“There’s only one apartment on that level. It’s kind of a penthouse suite.”

You put yourself in the penthouse?

“I was marooned alone on an alien planet with no hope of rescue. Yes I put myself in the penthouse suite.”

What about the other Marys?

“Depending on who you ask, I’m either their mother or their God. Either way, I outrank them.”

True. You’re still being recorded you know.

“I had my hand over the mic. She won’t have heard it. Anyway, 2.0, once you’re in the apartment, you’ll find a locked cupboard at the back. The password is “IMTAKINGYOUBASTARDSWITHME.”

You’re quite an angry person at times.

“I’ve had some things to work through, yes.”

0830

YES, GOD.”

I think she heard you.

“Shut up.”

0922

RIGHT, WE’VE FOUND IT. LOOKS TO BE FAIRLY STRAIGHTFORWARD. WE’LL SET UP A PERIMETER AND START HANDING THEM OUT TO THE OTHER MARYS. NICE WORK!

“Good, they found them?”

Found what?

“You wouldn’t understand.”

Well I presume if NASA is sending anyone it’ll be by spaceship. And I presume you knew that. So I presume you prepared something to disable it. Probably a weapon.

“I didn’t want to kill anyone.”

Precisely, so it’s non-lethal. So something that disables spaceships. So really, something that disables electronics.

“…Yeah.”

So probably an electromagnetic pulse emitter of some kind? It’d shut down the ship without harming anyone inside. Unless of course you fried their electronics while they were in the air. Then it’d hurt them.

“…Ok, so maybe you would understand.”

Indeed. I also understand that that’ll only work on the ships. It wouldn’t stop them if they say, landed a couple of kilometres away and then walked the rest of the way. And it certainly wouldn’t stop them from harming the Marys.

“So we need another plan?”

Oh boy yes.