149th Entry

April 1^st, 2037

1307

Dear Space Diary

“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Ok, deep breaths. Don’t panic. You’re in space. You’re in a suit. You’re safe. It’s ok. Don’t think about the fact that if the suit develops a puncture, you will no longer be safe, or ok, and it will be a perfect opportunity for panic.

It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s –

“You gotta try this!”

I really don’t.

“Awww. Live a little.”

That’s what I’m trying to do. Now come on. Can we keep moving. We’re out here to fix the engine.

“You’re out here to fix the engine. I’m out here to be in space.”

You do realise it’s dangerous out here?

“By dangerous, do you mean fun?”

No. No I do not. Ok, new plan. You float here and have fun, and I’ll go repair the engine.

“Good plan! I like it.”

Great. Off you go then.

“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

1315

“You know, if you want to repair the engine, you might have to, actually, you know, move.”

Thank you for your advice. This is hard, ok? It’s not easy to move around in space.

“I just did a triple somersault.”

You’re not helping. Ok, here goes. Grab the nearest handle. Done. Now the other hand.

Hey, I did it. I can move. I’m moving!

“Quadruple somersault!”

Shut up, 3.0.

1325

Mary, can you hear me?

“This is Command. I read you loud and clear, Cannon Fodder.”

Cannon Fodder? Wait, Command?

“I thought we needed code names.”

Why?

“In case anyone’s listening in.”

Oh.

“Mostly I’m just bored.”

Does it have to be cannon fodder?

“Yes. I thought it would play nicely off your paranoia.”

You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?

“Immeasurably. What can I do for you?”

I’ve reached the edge of the main hull. The engine’s to my left.

“Ok. Can you see a loose wire.”

No.

“No?”

I can see about 40 loose wires.

“40! That’s… how?”

I don’t know. But there they are, all hanging out and wafting gently in the… does space have breeze?

“No. Well, sort of. But mostly no.”

What do we do?

“Well, unless we reconnect them, we’re not going anywhere fast. Take a closer look, see if you can see how they came loose.”

Ok. Hang on.

1335

“Are you there yet?”

Nearly.

“What’s the hold up.”

The giant rocket engine and fiery death that’s metres away?

“You do love to dramatize, don’t you?”

GIANT. FIERY. DEATH.

“Yeah, yeah. Can you see problem yet?”

Almost. Hang on, I’ll climb a bit closer. To the giant fiery death.

“Cool. I’ll see if there are any more marshmallows.”

1340

“Watcha doing?”

Tempting fate.

“I’m practicing my bungee jumps.”

That cord is supplying your oxygen!

“And it’s quite springy too.”

1345

I’m here. A panel came lose, that’s the first problem. The wires are exposed.

“So they came loose?”

Nope, they’ve been torn out.

“Torn? By whom?”

I’m no tooth mark expert, but either 3.0 hasn’t had her rabies shot, which she probably hasn’t, or… Bobo.

“…Stupid Bobo.”

148th Entry

April 1^st, 2037

1221

Dear Space Diary

“Can you hear me?”

…

“Radio check. Can you hear me?”

…

“You can’t hear me?”

No.

“Then how did you hear that?”

…Crap.

“You can stop being angry at me whenever you like, there’s really no other option.”

I don’t wanna go into space.

“Poor baby. Now, come on, this could literally save your life. Can you hear me?”

You know I can.

“We have to do this by the book. Can you hear me?”

Sigh. Yes.

“Ok good. Next I need to check the flow of oxygen to your suit is sufficient. Given you haven’t dropped dead in the last ten minutes; I’ll go ahead and give that a tick. And just check the computer… Ok, vitals are good and being tracked. You’re unlikely to die, and if you do at least we’ll know about it. “

I feel so reassured.

“Good to know. Ok, take a look at the monitor. The door is here.”

At the front of the ship?

“Yes. And the wire you need to fix is by the engine… here.”

All the way at the other end of the ship?

“Correct.”

Sigh.

“No sighing. It comes through really loud over the radio.”

Sorry.

“You should be.”

Sigh.

“Stop that!”

1242

“3.0, can you hear me?”

“Loud and clear, boss!”

Aargh!

“What is it?”

Chirpy loud optimism and radio don’t mix.

“Oh… I’m sorry.”

No, I didn’t mean to… oh never mind. Be happy. Happy is good. But quiet happy while we’re on radio please.

“How’s this?”

That’s better.

“Or this?”

That’s too quiet.

1301

“Ok. Good. You guys are good to go.”

“Yay!”

Argh!

“…yay.”

“When you’re ready, I’ll open the airlock, and you guys can step out into space.”

And drift off into the ever black void?

“You’re quite paranoid about this aren’t you? Once again, you are tethered to the ship. That cable connected to your suit anchors you to the ship. Should you lose your grip, you could simply pull your way back in.”

Is it strong?

“Extremely. Chances of it breaking are next to remote.”

Good.

“Although the cable is also supplying your oxygen. So don’t break it.”

But you said –

“Time to go!”

…the door’s not opening.

“I have to depressurize the airlock first. Otherwise the air would burst from the airlock. Blowing you into space. At which point you would drift off into the ever black void. You know. That thing you didn’t want to do.”

Ok, ok fine. I suppose I should be happy to be able to wait a few more minutes before I have to –

“It’s done! Off you go.”

1305

So here I am. In space.

Well, more so.

Just a spacesuit and a reportedly unbreakable cable protecting me from freezing asphyxiating death.

Mary’s assured me that should that happen; my head is unlikely to explode. Apparently I watch too many bad science-fiction movies.

I suppose at this point I should take in the majesty of-

“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

147th Entry

April 1^st, 2037

 

1134

Dear Space Diary

Mary’s been looking for the results from the system diagnostics for about an hour now. I went in about twenty minutes ago to ask (politely) if she could hurry it up a little.

Fortunately I found an ice pack in the freezer and the swelling is going down nicely.

“I was expecting you to duck.”

That only happens in the movies.

“Ducking?”

Comedic timing. Anyway, I assume that you’re out here because you’ve finished going over the diagnostics.

“I have. And I have some good news. It’s a simple case of a loose wire. That’s it, everything else is in perfect working order. We reconnect the wire, add a little sealant so it doesn’t come loose again, and we’re back in business.”

That’s fantastic! Oh, well done Mary. I could kiss you.

“You could. But you won’t, right?”

Yes, Mary.

“Good. Ok, well, whenever you feel up to it, we’ll replace the wire and –“

Feel up to it? It’s a wire. Let’s replace it and be done with it. We’re going home, Mary. We’re going home!

“Ok, ok. I thought, no that’s fine. Let’s fix it now.”

Where is the wire?

“Right near the engine.”

Cool. So I’ll need to open a wall panel near the escape pods?

“No.”

Oh. So I’ll need to go through the crawlspace? That’s a pain.

“Er, not the crawlsplace either.”

Hang on, I’m confused. The only way to get to the wire’s near the engine is through a panel, the crawlspace, or…

…No.

“Yes.”

It’s OUTSIDE the ship?

“Outside the engines, to be precise. You’ll just need to climb down to it and reconnect the wire.”

In zero-gravity. On the side of a spaceship rocketing through space. I’ll just need to do that.

“Correct.”

Hang on, I’LL just need to do that? Why can’t you do it?

“I’ll need to work the computer.”

Isn’t that just a convenient excuse?

“I don’t know. Can you reconfigure the calculations for light speed space travel within a crucial two minute period?”

No.

“Then let’s assume it’s not.”

But I’m not an electrician.

“Neither is anyone else. But I can talk you through it from inside.”

Can’t you talk 3.0 through it from the inside?

“You’re seriously suggesting that you’d rather send a teenager out to do dangerous maintenance work while you hide inside under a blanket?”

I didn’t know we had blankets.

“You have to do this. Only you can. 3.0 has only been alive for a year or two. She’d be terrified. It’s you. Man up, then suit up.”

…You’re right. Ok. I’m sorry. Let’s do this.

1200

“I’m done! I’ve finished the encyclopedia! My favourite letter was T. I know everything that has ever been… what are you doing?”

Shouldn’t you know?

“I may have skipped over a few entries. So what’s up.”

I’m being forced into the cold dead reaches of space to repair the engine.

“Cool, can I come?”

“Sure, I’ll grab another spacesuit.”

…Right.

146th Entry

March 31st, 2037

1007

Dear Space Diary 

<INCOMING TRANSMISSION>

__

WE APOLOGISE FOR THE PREVIOUS AUTOMATED RESPONSE. THIS IS A STANDARD RESPONSE SINCE THE PRIVITISATION OF NASA FOR ALL OF OUR VALUED CUSTOMERS, AND YOU AS WELL!

NO WARRANTY PERIOD WILL APPLY FOR OFFICIAL NASA PERIODS AND ALL DIY REPAIRS AND MESSAGE BASED TECHNICAL SUPPORT ARE INCLUDED ON TOP OF YOUR SALARY (MINUS TAXES).

PLEASE NOTE THAT “ON SITE” TECHNICIAN CALL OUTS ARE NOT INCLUDED ON INTERSTELLAR FLIGHTS. THE QUOTE FOR AN INTERSTELLAR CALL OUT IS A CONVENIENT FLAT FEE FOR ALL OUR VALUED CUSTOMERS, AND YOU AS WELL!

THE FEE IS 17 BILLION DOLLARS. PLUS TAXES. 3% DISCOUNT FOR YOUR THIRD CALL OUT, AND FOR NASA+ MEMBERS.

ATTACHED IS THE TECHNICAL INFORMATION AND TROUBLESHOOTING STEPS FOR YOUR <ENGINE> . IF YOU HAVE ANY ISSUES OR ARE UNABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE LET US KNOW.

P.S. YOU GUYS ARE HILARIOUS, BUT WE MUST POINT OUT THAT ANY  DAMAGE TO THE SHIP DUE TO “DOMESTIC” DISTURBANCES WILL BE DEDUCTED FROM YOUR SALARY. PLUS TAXES.

-NASA I.T.

__

<END TRANSMISSION>

…I wonder how much money I actually have. Probably not 17 Billion. Maybe I should think of joining NASA+.

1010

…nah.

1030

Mary, NASA have sent us the troubleshooting steps.

“I know. They sent it 20 minutes ago. Where have you been?”

I had to go to the toilet.

“For 20 minutes?”

…And then may have come via the kitchen. Hang on, how do you know they sent it.

“I’ve been reading your mail.”

What? Why?

“Couple of reasons. I figured understanding the computer system would help when working on the engines.”

And?

“I was bored.”

Oh. And do you have anything to say.

“I agree. We are hilarious.”

So not what I meant. Anyway, can we repair the ship?

“Well, there are a few tests to run, which will hopefully highlight where the problem is. NASA have as usual been very verbose, but in this case I don’t mind.  They’ve got a bunch of repair options, provided they’ve covered all the angles we should be set.”

Sounds good to me! Let’s go then! This isn’t a time for sitting around on the computer, this is a time for action! What’s the first test?

“Running a 16 hour diagnostic test on the computer.”

…Yay.

April 1^st, 2037

0230

Mary, are you awake?

ZZZZZZZZZ

Mary!

“Urrrrgh. Wha… Oh, it’s you. What is it?”

The test should be done by now.

“It’s two in the morning.”

It’s time for action!

“Two in the morning is not the time for action.”

Can’t you take a look at the results?

“Look, yes. Understand, no. Wake me in 8 hours.”

Sigh. Fine.

“With breakfast.”

1100

Come on, Mary, it’s been 24 hours! I want to go home.

“And I do too, but if I’m going to do diagnostic and repairs, I need to be energised and well fed. So let me just cook one more batch of scrambled eggs –“

MARY!

“I’m kidding. Let’s go home.”

145th Entry

March 26^th, 2037

2103

Dear Space Diary

So that took a little longer than I anticipated, but the questionnaire is done. Mary did a couple of –

“Hundred.”

- questions as well. Have sent them back to NASA, hopefully they’ll get back to us with a response quickly.

March 27^th, 2037

1130

<INCOMING TRANSMISSION>

__

THANK YOU FOR APPLYING FOR WARRANTY PROTECTION OF YOUR <INSERT SHIP HERE> PROVIDED BY NASA.

WE UNDERSTAND YOUR TIME IS VALUABLE AND WOULD LIKE TO ASSURE YOU WE WILL BEGIN ASSESSING THE ERRORS WITH YOUR SPACECRAFT AS SOON AS THE 72 HOUR WARRANTY EVALUATION PERIOD HAS ELAPSED.

WE WILL THEN RESPOND TO YOUR QUERY WITHIN 1-2 BUSINESS WEEKS.

IF YOUR PROBLEM RELATES TO A CRITICAL LIFE SUPPORT FAILURE, WHICH HAS A REQUIRED RESPONSE TIME OF 30 MINUTES, YOU ARE MOST LIKELY ALREADY DEAD, FOR WHICH WE APOLOGISE.

THIS IS AN AUTOMATED REPLY. PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE, AS YOU WILL (AUTOMATICALLY) NOT RECEIVE A REPLY.

WE WILL REPLY AS SOON AS WE ARE ABLE, SO WATCH THIS SPACE.

…GET IT?

__

<END TRANSMISSION>

Great. Just great.

1210

Back to being bored in space.

1225

Wheeeeeeeeeeee.

1330

“Hey, you busy?”

Not even close. What’s up?

“I’m up to P.”

Bathroom’s that way. I would hope you knew that by now.

“The letter P, moron.”

I’m the moron? You didn’t know where the bathroom was.

“I KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS!”

Sorry, just unbelievably bored.

“Me too. There’s only so much knowledge you can take in at once.”

How’s that going?

“The orange is a hybrid fruit thought to date back to ancient times.”

No P one?

“Nah, P’s boring.”

Preposterous.

“Shut up.”

1800

“What’s for dinner?”

It’s your turn to cook.

“We don’t need to cook. It’s all automatic.”

It’s your turn to press the button then.

“But I pressed it last night!”

1830

“Your turn to do the dishes.”

I didn’t use any dishes.

“Yes, and it was disgusting. Now clean up. Your turn, and I cooked.”

I don’t see why I should have to wash dishes if I didn’t use any.

“I didn’t make the rules.”

Yes you did.

2200

3.0!

“Yeah, what?”

Can you turn down the music please.

“It’s just music.”

I’m trying to sleep.

“At 10 o’clock? Oldie.”

“I’m like 10 years older than you.”

2220

I’m not kidding. Turn the music down.

“You’re just unable to cope with our edgy new music, Granpa.”

You’re listening to Frank Sinatra.

“And he’s awesome. So what’s your problem?”

I’m trying to sleep!

“And I’m trying to listen to music. You’re making it very difficult.”

“WILL BOTH OF YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!”

March 28^th, 2037

0813

“WHO LEFT THEIR TOWEL ON THE FLOOR?”

Sorry Mary…

“Thanks for covering for me.”

“I heard that.”

“Crap.”

March 29^th, 2037

1333

Don’t throw out your apple peel one more time…

“And what?”

…And I’ll pick it up too.

“Good man.”

March 30^th, 2037

1644

Forget Earth, I think we’re all going to kill each other first.

144th Entry

March 26^th, 2037

1510

Dear Space Diary

Little weirded out. NASA was… helpful? And even stranger, polite.

Clearly, they’re up to something.

I’ve got to talk to the Marys.

1540

The Marys were dismissive of my concerns. I’m slightly hurt. Well, not really, but I definitely made it sound like that in order to win the argument. Underhanded I know. I do regret it, if only because it didn’t work.

Anyway, they were of the (I guess understandable) opinion that getting home was the highest priority. Therefore my objections were demolished with the following arguments:

a) NASA is not inherently evil, although the person running our mission quite possibly is.

b) While the person running our mission might be evil, it doesn’t mean they want us dead.

c) Even if the person running our mission is evil, and does want us dead, that’s a problem to tackle later. Such as when we’re on the comfort of Earth, for example, and not trapped in a spaceship with little to no hope of rescue, apart from aforementioned potential evil person in points a, b, and c.

d) They outnumber me and therefore they win by default. Yay for democracy.

It’s hard to argue with all of the above. Particularly D.

But I remain concerned. NASA being bright and bubbly is a bit of a dramatic shift and it makes me wonder what they’re hiding. It sounded pretty artificial.

1553

Also, I never told them Mary 3.0 threatened to punch me. How did they know about that?

I’ll send them the info, I guess. The Mary’s are right, we can cross that bridge when we come to it. On Earth. And if they can fix the engines, and they do fix the engines… Well there’s not really an if. If they don’t, we get back to Earth in 30 years and can retire.

But I’d like to live a little first.

1557

Alrighty, let’s go through this questionnaire.

SPACESHIP (WARRANTY) REPAIR REQUEST

Hmm. Good start. I’m sure as hell not paying for this. Although I am apparently fabulously wealthy now.

Ooh, I’d forgotten about that. I should probably buy a yacht or something. Rich people do that.

Enough distraction, back to the questions. I’ll just go as many as I can, and then go see Mary for the technical bits.

WHEN DID THE PROBLEM FIRST OCCUR?

Yesterday.

Easy.

WHAT STEPS DID YOU TAKE TO RESOLVE THE ISSUE?

Um… Insufficient information available to perform additional technical support.

There, that sounds nice and professional.

DID YOU TRY RESTARTING THE MAIN COMPUTER? (WARNING – RESTARTING MAIN COMPUTER COULD DISABLE LIFE SUPPORT, CAUSING SUB-ZERO TEMPERATURES, LACK OF OXYGEN, AND MEDIUM TO EXTREME DEATH.)

…No.

These questions are easy. Might not even need Mary at all.

PLEASE CALCULATE THE THRUST TO VELOCITY RATIO FOR THE LAST 36 HOURS, ENSURING TO FACTOR IN ALL RELEVANT LOCAL GRAVITY FIELDS TO 19 DECIMAL PLACES (OR MORE), THEN DIVIDE BY WEIGHT OF CRAFT AND ENGINE STAR POWER LEVELS (DELIVERED, NOT PROJECTED ).

…Mary?