168th Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0533

Dear Space Diary

<LOADING MESSAGE 12>

Are you still listening to those?

“There might be something important.”

Amongst 2.0’s various renditions of songs about loneliness?

“Yes.”

Anything so far?

“She’s doing Beatles covers now.”

…I might stay for those.

0545

<LOADING MESSAGE 33>

__

SO THIS IS FUN. I’M STARTING TO RUN OUT OF SONGS. GOING TO KEEP GOING UNTIL YOU RESPOND. GUESS WE’LL START AGAIN.

ALLLLLLLL BBBBBYYYYY – HOLD ON, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I HAVE TO GO.

__

…That sounded ominous.

“Play the next message.”

<LOADING MESSAGE 34>

__

MAN I WISH YOU GUYS WOULD PICK UP. SOMETHING’S HAPPENED.

A COUPLE OF THE GIRLS ARE GETTING SICK. I DON’T KNOW WHAT YET. BUT THEY’RE NOT WAKING UP. THEY SEEM OK OTHERWISE, I GUESS, BUT WE CAN’T WAKE THEM. WE’RE LOOKING THROUGH THE ZUBRIN’S MEDICAL LIBRARY.

WE COULD REALLY USE YOUR KNOWLEDGE MARY.

<LOADING MESSAGE 35>

WHERE ARE YOU GUYS? MORE OF THE GIRLS ARE GETTING SICK EVERY DAY. I CAN’T SAY FOR SURE, BUT I THINK IT’S IN ORDER OF AGE. IS IT SOMETHING TO DO WITH US BEING CLONES?

AND IF SO WHY ISN’T IT HAPPENING TO ME?

__

“It sounds like 3.0 isn’t alone.”

But they don’t have med-bays. What are they going to do?

“I don’t know.”

<LOADING MESSAGE 36>

__

ONE OF THE GIRLS FOUND THIS IN THE MEDICAL LIBRARY ON THE ZUBRIN. AND THEN PASSED OUT. HAVE YOU HEARD OF DUPLICATE TISSUE FAILURE? THIS BOOK IS TWENTY YEARS OLD, AND THERE’S NOTHING REALLY APART FROM THE NAME, BUT… I THINK THAT’S WHAT’S HAPPENING TO THEM.

THEY’RE ALL PASSED OUT NOW. I’M THE LAST ONE LEFT.

WHAT DO I DO?

PLEASE. ANSWER ME.

__

“Pause it.”

Why?

“I don’t want to hear any more. It’s horrible. They’re dying.”

I think she would have said if she was actually dead.

“She’s not a medical person! She doesn’t know that!”

Neither do you. The date stamp on the message shows is from… yesterday. We can still do something.

“Great. We don’t know a single thing about how DTF works, and we’re not doctors. We don’t know where to even begin.”

Actually I think I do. I’ve worked it out. I’ve a question for you though.

“What?”

Do you still have the avocado?

“Come on, this is important.”

I really must insist.

0550

“Ok fine, here’s your stupid avocado.”

It looks pretty dead.

“It is dead. It died. Which would be why it looked dead.”

You said it died because it didn’t have enough vat fluid, didn’t you?

“Yeah it was pretty open and shut. Where are you going with this?”

Ok, next question. Why hasn’t 2.0 passed out. Is she immune?

“…Maybe?”

If so, what caused it?

“…You think?”

Worth a try.

0635

Wake up 3.0.

“Can you hear us?”

“…Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. Where am I?”

You passed out for a little.

“You saved me? Thank you, I… Oh no.”

“Sorry. It was the only way.”

“Don’t tell me I’m back in the cloning tank!”

167th Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0520

Dear Space Diary

No computer. Stop. Bad computer.

DO YOU WISH TO CEASE DEFINITION PLAYBACK?

Yes, stop!

STOPPING CESSATION OF DEFINITION PLAYBACK. PLAYBACK RESUMING.

No! Stop! Stop! Stop!

…PLEASE WAIT, CALCULATING…

CONFIRMED, WE WILL NOT STOP STOPPING THE STOP OF PLAYBACK.

…What?

PLAYBACK RESUMED

Arrgh!

0524

“It’s stopped. You can come back in now.”

Ok, but there’s something I have to do first. Computer!

YES SIR?

Disable Voice Control.

DISABLING. WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO CONFIRM?

Yes.

VOICE CONTROL IS DISABLED, UNABLE TO RECOGNISE VOICE COMMANDS. PLEASE REPEAT.

…No.

“So what do we do?”

Is 3.0 stable?

“I think so.”

Then we need to send a message to 2.0 and the Marys. Need to make sure they’re ok.

0527

Ok, I’ll just jump into the communications –

<INCOMING TRANSMISSION>

“Oh that was good timing. One just came in now.”

Er, not as such, no. I’ve kind of being ignoring the messages from NASA. I didn’t really want to hear what they have to say.

“Even if what they have to say is “This ship will self-destruct in 20 minutes? Move over, I’ll listen if you can’t be bothered.”

They’ll just try and manipulate us again. There’s no point.

“Then we can ignore it. I’m listening to them.”

Fine, we can listen to their message if you really want. But it’s only one message and it’s pretty old. It won’t be relevant anymore.

YOU HAVE 37 NEW MESSAGES

“…Sounds like they really wanted to talk to you.”

The feeling isn’t mutual.

<LOADING MESSAGES>

Come on, NASA, what’s so important?

…IS THIS THING WORKING? *COUGH* UM, I THINK SO… HI GUYS! IT’S 2.0 HERE.

“2.0?!”

HOPE I GOT YOUR NUMBER CORRECTLY, IF SOMEONE ELSE IS LISTENING TO THIS, DON’T WORRY YOU’RE JUST HALLUCINATING. GO BACK TO SLEEP. ANYWAY. JUST MESSAGING TO LET YOU KNOW WE LANDED SAFE. WELL, I SAY SAFE. 30 BROKEN BONES AND A FEW CONCUSSIONS COUNT AS SAFE RIGHT? …YEAH THE GIRLS HERE SAY THAT COUNT AS SAFE. THE ONE S THAT AREN’T CONCUSSED. SO WE’RE GREAT! WE’VE LANDED A FAIR WAY FROM THE CITY, SO WE’RE SLEEPING IN THE PODS. THERE ARE SPACE SUITS, SO WE CAN WALK BACK, BUT WE’RE GOING TO SEE IF WE CAN FLY.

THIS IS GREAT! BOBO CAN’T CONTAIN HIS EXCITEMENT. LITERALLY. IT’S KIND OF DISGUSTING.

YES, BOBO IS FINE TOO. SAY HELLO BOBO.

OH RIGHT, REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. EH. WELL, THAT EXPLAINS THE LACK OF TOILET TRAINING…

BETTER GO! LOOK FORWARD OT HEARING FROM YOU SOON!

“…You thought that was from NASA?”

I didn’t actually listen to it! I just thought it was from NASA.

“She could have been hurt!”

Fine! I messed up. But she’s fine. So, crisis averted.

<LOADING MESSAGE 2>

HEY GUYS! NEVER HEARD BACK FROM YOU, BUT THAT’S COOL, YOU’RE PROBABLY ALL BUSY AT LIGHT SPEED AND STUFF. JUST WANTED TO SAY HI. WE’RE BACK AT THE CITY, ALL SAFE. BOBO IS HUNTING THE LIGHTDOGS. I’LL TRY AGAIN LATER. BYE.

<LOADING MESSAGE 3>

ALLLLL BYYYYY MYYYYYSEEEEELLLFFFF…

166th Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0515

Dear Space Diary

“So, what’s it say?”

I’m not too sure, to be honest. It’s 27 pages long, which would fall into the category of ‘Complex.’ It’s got instructions, but it’s a veritable laundry list, and a long one at that. I’m a bit confused.

“Give it here. I’ll work it out.”

Sure.

“Hospital gown, socks, hair net… This is an actual laundry list.”

Yup.

“I’m also confused… wait, I’ve got it. This is a list of clothing she’ll need while she’s in hospital.”

That’s pretty comprehensive. Did it tell us to provide a packed lunch as well?

“Two apples and a cheese sandwich.”

And if they don’t like cheese?

“Um… two apples. But who in their right mind wouldn’t like cheese?”

What if you were lactose intolerant?

“I’d still eat cheese.”

Then I’m very glad you’re not lactose intolerant. Ok, clothing and lunch. What else?

“Er… nothing. Just plug her in to the machine and leave her there.”

For how long?

“Until we’re back to Earth and we can transfer her to a medical team.”

That sounds awfully like it doesn’t know what’s wrong with her.

“Yeah. But apparently it’s… DTF syndrome.”

Classy. But hang on, if all it says is “give her clothes and food and leave her alone”, why is it 27 pages long?

“I don’t know… this is weird. It just repeats the information over and over. Hundreds of time. Clothes, lunch, and plug her in.”

…Did you say hundreds?

“Yeah. Hundreds.”

And exactly the same each time?

“Yeah. Just her details, and then “Clone #1, Clone #2, Clone #3… oh.”

This isn’t instructions for 3.0. This is instructions for ALL of the clones. It’s almost like –

“…they knew this was going to happen.”

They knew the engines would fail?

“No that was just general incompetence I think. But… what if they knew she was going to become unconscious?”

…Computer!

YES, SIR?

“I didn’t know we had voice control.”

Neither did I. Whoops. Er, Computer! Define DTF Syndrome.

THAT INFORMATION IS CLASSIFIED

Oh. Um, Computer! Declassify.

“I don’t think it works that way.”

ALL INFORMATION DECLASSIFIED

“Oh.”

Computer, define DTF.

PLEASE WAIT… SEARCHING.

DEFINTION FOR DTF: DUPLICATE TISSUE FAILURE.

YOU MAY ALSO HAVE MEANT DOUBLE TOMATO & FILLET. IF THIS IS CORRECT, PLEASE SAY YES.

No.

“Oh, no. 3.0.”

I don’t get it.

“Duplicate Tissue Failure. The duplicate tissue! It’s failing!”

Again, not getting it.

“3.0 is duplicate tissue!”

…Ah.

“They knew this was going to happen! They knew they were going to fail! That’s why they sent this ship! Because they knew the clones would eventually break down! They’re meant to be plugged in and held in stasis until they get back!”

Well, it’s a good thing we got the clones off the ship then!

“Exactly! We wouldn’t then falling into comas and being plugged into… medical…”

Have we done something very stupid?

“Yes.”

CONFIRMED

“What?”

THE DOUBLE TOMATO AND FILLET IS A POPULAR BURGER, FREQUENTLY ACCOMPANIED BY A SIDE  -

165th Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0400

Dear Space Diary

This is your plan?

“Yes. Now please be quiet, I’m trying to concentrate.”

To read every medical book in the library.

“Shut up! Read harder!”

0415

“Anything?”

Steam is effective in clearing the sinuses. Or in other words, no. You must admit that trying to find the remedy for a condition – when we don’t actually know what it is – from a list of every condition ever is going to be a less than a cakewalk.

“Yeah agreed. But it’s in here, and we’ll find it.”

Surely there’s a faster way?

“None I can think of. This is how I work. Find book. Read book. Fix stuff.”

Well we better keep reading then.

“Agreed.”

I really want cake now.

“Me too.”

0430

“Nothing. This is hopeless. It could take us a lifetime to find what we’re after. And I’ve done that before. There’s no way we can find it.”

Actually I’ve just had an idea.

“Show off. What is it?”

This ship is fully automated. NASA pretty much didn’t expect the clones would have to – or know how to – operate any of the facilities.

“Correct.”

In other words, everything should work by itself.

“Correct.”

So presumably the med-bay does as well.

“Corr… ah ha.”

Precisely.

“Ok, I’ll go check out the med-bay. You keep reading in case we find something.”

Great plan. Just one small alteration to make. I’ll see you in a bit. Have fun reading.

“Not a chance.”

0443

“Paper beats rock, really?”

Yes. How do you not know this?

“Blast. So that makes… 2 each.”

We probably shouldn’t have been playing for an odd number.

“Should we do another 4?”

Oh let’s just both go.

0446

“This is amazing! A fully automatic medical clinic. “

Mm, I’m not convinced.

“But think! It could perform vital heart surgery, even if there wasn’t a doctor around!”

And if there was a power surge while it was performing that vital heart surgery?

“…ouch.”

Yup. But it should be perfect for our purposes. Plug her in.

“Do we have to actually plug her in to something?”

I hope not.

0448

Is there a manual anywhere?

“Not that can I see. But I’d suggest pressing that button.”

Which one?

“The one that says ON in large letters.”

Good as place as any.

“No, not really.”

BEEP

SCANNING. SCANNING. SCANNING.

Well, at least it doesn’t have NASA’s usual infomercial.

WELCOME TO HEAL-U-GOOD

“You had to open your mouth.”

0512

I brought you coffee.

“Thanks.”

Anything?

“Nope. Just scanning for viruses.”

Sounds like she’s a computer.

“That’s pretty much what it’s doing. Scans for errors and fixes. Upgrades immune system.”

Wow. Maybe I should plug myself in next.

“Removes spyware…”

What?

“Defragments cells…”

Er…

“Backs up the brain.”

Ok, now I know you’re messing with me.

“Yeah ok, I was.”

Thought so.

“I made most of it up yes. Apart from the virus bit.”

Couldn’t fool me.

“And the brain back up bit.”

…Really?

“Fooled you.”

SCAN COMPLETE

164th Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0316

Dear Space Diary

Ok, ok. I’m sorry for teasing. Please don’t kill me.

“Hmph. Fine.”

I’m at the leak. Commencing repairs.

“It’s duct tape, you’re not an engineer.”

Ok, you know what I could use now? A few less insults.

“…You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just worried she’s not ok. I’ll be ok once she’s back inside. I know you’re doing what you can.”

You’re very attached to her.

“Well, she’s kind of me. And I’m really egotistical.”

So I’ve noticed.

“Hey –“

Let’s finish this when she’s inside.

0317

Hmm. Ok, slight issue.

“What?”

Whenever I try to plug the leak, the tape blows away.

“The oxygen flow through the leak too strong?”

That’d be it.

“Would you like me to turn it down?”

If you wouldn’t mind.

“Certainly.”

You’re too kind.

0319

Ok, that’s taped up good and proper.  Can I have my oxygen back now?

“Well done! Yes, of course. I’ll just turn her oxygen back on… And done! She can breathe!”

We’ve saved her!

“Providing it hasn’t been too long without oxygen for her. We need to get her back inside to check.”

…We hope we’ve saved her.

0333

I’m in. Close the airlock.

“Closed. Get her to med-bay.”

I didn’t know we had a med-bay.

“We do. Get her there.”

A med-bay. Fascinating.

“If you say so.”

0334

Mary?

“Yes?”

Where’s the med-bay?

0337

“Put her over there.”

She’s heavier than you look.

“Careful now.”

Don’t worry, I won’t drop her.

“Wasn’t even talking about that, but good. Set her down.”

…She ok?

“Hmm. There’s a pulse. Not a good one. But it’s there.”

So what do we do now? Wake her up?

“…I don’t actually know.”

You don’t?

“There weren’t a lot of medical books on the Zubrin. I don’t think NASA thought I was going to need a whole lot of medical care outside of my tank.”

You don’t know what to do from here?

“No. Apart from, start the engines.”

What?

“Well, we still need to get home. The engine’s fixed. We may as well turn it on.”

But what about 3.0?

“…Maybe someone at home will know.”

But that’s a month from now! We need to do something soon. If she doesn’t wake up… What can we do? Come on. You know everything. What do we do?

“Stop saying that! I don’t know anything. Anything at all.”

That’s ridiculous! Who rebuilt the cloning facility?

“…Me.”

Who invented a new condensed form of fuel?

“Me.”

Who successfully crossed humanity with fruit in strange and mostly disturbing ways?

“Still me.”

And who won’t rest until she’s figured out a way to save 3.0?

“You?”

Well, yes, but also you. I’m… not the smartest. I need your help.

“You’re right. Yes. I can do this. WE can do this. This is a time for action!”

Right! Let’s act! 3.0 is counting on us!

“You’re right! Come with me! There’s no time to waste!”

Where are we going?

“TO THE LIBRARY!”