177th Entry

April 4^th, 2037

1024

Dear Space Diary

“…What?”

Do you like Jazz music?

“I must be tired. I’m not sure I understand the question.”

You are tired. But it’s a simple question. Jazz music. Music that is Jazz. Do you enjoy it?

“Um. Why?”

I really want to listen to some loud Jazz music. Come on, it’ll wake you up.

“Wouldn’t coffee do the same?”

Just come on.

“You’re being really strange.”

Please!

“Ugh. Fine, whatever.”

Great! Woo. Fun times.

“Weirdo.”

1027

                                                                                                                                            

And… here we are.

CLICK

“Agh! That’s loud!”

What?

“WHAT?”

I SAID WHAT?

“I SAID THAT’S LOUD!”

VERY LOUD?

“PAINFULLY SO!”

SO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANYONE TO OVERHEAR US?

“UM, I GUESS SO?”

GOOD. THAT WAS THE IDEA. LISTEN. WHOEVER HIRED NASA HAS BUGGED THE SHIP. THEY CAN TALK TO US IN REAL TIME. AND THEY CAN HEAR EVERYTHING THEY SAY.

“YOU MEAN EVEN WHEN I WENT CRAZY AND KISSED YOU?”

UH. YEAH.

“I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE EMBARRASSED IN MY LIFE.”

BE EMBARRASSED LATER. RIGHT NOW I NEED YOU TO COME UP WITH A WAY TO BLOCK THEIR SIGNAL. THERE’S SOMETHING IMPORTANT I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

“WHY CAN’T YOU TELL ME NOW?”

BECAUSE I REALLY HATE JAZZ MUSIC.

“SO DO I. I’LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.”

1645

MY BRAIN IS BEGINNING TO MELT.

“I’M NEARLY DONE.”

ALSO WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF JAZZ MUSIC.

“OK. LOOK. I CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE INCOMING SIGNALS WITHOUT RIPPING THE SATTELITE DISH OFF THE SIDE OF THE SHIP. AND WE NEED THAT TO GET HOME. WHAT I CAN DO IS SCRAMBLE OUR OUTGOING SIGNAL. IT WON’T FOOL THEM FOREVER. BUT IT’S A START.”

DO IT.

“IT NEEDS TO BE PLUGGED INTO THE SATELLITE DIRECTLY. THINK OF IT AS A SIEVE. IN SPACE.”

A SPACE SIEVE?

“IT FITS OVER THE RECEIVER DISH AND FRAGMENTS THE SIGNAL. ANYTHING WE GET IS ALREADY AT THE DISH AND SO WON’T BE AFFECTED. BUT EVERYTHING WE TRANSMIT GETS SPLIT INTO A COUPLE OF THOUSAND FRAGMENTS AND SENT EVERY WHICH WAY. NASA WILL ONLY GET ABOUT 1.5%. IF THEY’RE LUCKY.”

GREAT! LET ME KNOW ONCE IT’S INSTALLED.

“I DESIGNED IT. YOU’RE FITTING IT.”

MAKE ME.

“I’M TURNING UP THE JAZZ MUSIC.”

OK, OK, I’M GOING.

1722

CAN YOU READ ME?

“PLEASE DON’T YELL INTO MY RADIO.”

PLEASE DON’T YELL INTO MY RADIO!

“IS IT DONE?”

THE COVER IS FITTED. DO I NEED TO TURN IT ON OR ANYTHING?

“IT’S A SIEVE! JUST GET BACK IN HERE.”

1738

I’M TURNING OFF THE JAZZ MUSIC.

“SHOULD I GET THE COUNT-U-DOWN?”

STUFF THAT. I’M JUST TURNING IT OFF. I’M SO GLAD WE won’t have to shout anymore.

“Me too. I need a glass of water.”

How do we know it’s working?

“Well, if it didn’t work, NASA will know about the bomb I’ve hidden on board.”

…

“Nope, if they didn’t rise to that, I’d say we’re fine. Excellent, now what did you want to tell me?”

Wait, you’ve hidden a bomb on board?

“NO!”

176th Entry

April 4^th, 2037

0937

Dear Space Diary

What on earth do NASA want?

And why am I asking a recording that can’t hear me? It’ll take around half an hour to –

OF COURSE WE CAN HEAR YOU

…What?

DON’T SAY WHAT, SAY PARDON

I don’t understand.

DO YOU REALLY THINK WE WOULD SEND AN EXPENSIVE SPACESHIP ACROSS THE GALAXY TO COLLECT A VALUABLE CARGO OF CLONES AND NOT HAVE A WAY OF KEEPING TRACK OF IT?

…You’ve been listening to us?

24/7. YOU’RE MOSTLY VERY DULL. BUT IT’S NECESSARY TO PROTECT OUR PRODUCT.

Except that your “product,” as you so callously put it, escaped and are alive and well back on Marysvilletopia.

YES. WE HAVE REALISED THAT MONITORING YOU 24/7 DOESN’T ACTUALLY HELP US STOP YOU FROM DOING ANYTHING. NONTHELESS, IT WAS A VERY STUPID THING YOU DID.

I don’t see it that way.

WE KNOW. AND REST ASSURED WE WILL BE TAKING STEPS TO RETRIEVE THEM.

But I told you to leave them alone.

NO. YOU TOLD NASA TO LEAVE THEM ALONE. AND LEAVING ASIDE THE FUTILITY OF THREATENING SOMEONE WHILE YOU ARE BUSY FLYING DIRECTLY BACK TO THEM IN THEIR OWN SPACESHIP, NASA WILL INDEED BE LEAVING THEM ALONE. WE WON’T.

We? Who are you?

THAT INFORMATION IS CLASSIFIED.

Come on, you can tell me.

WE CAN. BUT WE WON’T.

…You’ve really been listening to everything?

YES. YOU APPEAR TO GET OVERLY EXCITED BY THE CONCEPT OF BREAKFAST. HAVE YOU CONSIDERED SEEKING HELP?

Shut up. But hang on I thought the communications tech couldn’t travel faster than the speed of light?

AT THE TIME, CERTAINLY. THIS IS A NEW PROTOTYPE THOUGH. WE’VE MADE SOME IMPROVEMENTS TO NASA’S DESIGN. SPARED NO EXPENSE.

The engine’s weren’t dog proof.

WE WEREN’T PARTICULIARLY EXPECTING A DOG TO HAVE ACCESS TO THE SHIP’S ENGINES.

You put a dog on the ship.

AND YOU LET IT OUT. BUT THIS IS MERELY WASTING TIME. WE ARE COMING FOR THE CLONES. AND WE ARE WAITING FOR YOU.

END CONVERSATION.

…It’s not though is it.

NO. WE’RE STILL HERE. WE JUST DON’T FEEL LIKE TALKING TO YOU.

Well that’s a shame. Because I was about to reveal my master plan.

YOU DON’T HAVE A MASTER PLAN. YOU JUST EAT HASH BROWNS AND MAKE CYNICAL REMARKS ABOUT REGISTERED TRADEMARKS.

Is that what you all really think of me?

OF COURSE. YOU WERE SPACE FODDER. WE NEEDED SOMEONE IN THE SHIP TO CONVINCE MARY TO COME HOME.  BUT YOU HAVE CAUSED US MORE TROUBLE THAN WE THOUGHT POSSIBLE. WE HAVE MADE A NOTE OF EVERYTHING. WE AWAIT YOUR RETURN WITH INTEREST.

Anything else?

YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST KISSED HER YOU BLOCKHEAD.

Thanks a bundle.

1023

3… 2… 1…

THANK YOU FOR USING COUNT-U-DOWN 2000, FORMALLY NASA MULTI-PURPOSE COUNTDOWN. PATENT PENDING.

“…uuurrrgggghhh.”

Good morning Mary.

“Ow my back. Gosh 5 weeks went quick. Feel like I’ve only been asleep for two hours.”

Um, you have. But I needed to talk to you about something.

“What?”

Do you like Jazz music?

175th Entry

April 4^th, 2037

0840

Dear Space Diary

INITIALISING SUSPENDED ANIMATION IN:

6…

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

DING

YOUR SUSPENDED ANIMATION, OR YOUR MICROWAVE, ARE NOW COMPLETE.

THANK YOU FOR USING NASA MULTI-PURPOSE COUNTDOWNS.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO HEAR SOME OF THE OTHER GREAT PRODUCTS WE CAN COUNT DOWN FOR YOU, PLEASE EMAIL US AT THEFINALCOUNTDOWN@NASAINC.COM

0845

I’m alone.

I seem to say that a lot.

Guess it’s because I’m alone a lot.

The Marys Two seem to be sleeping soundly and safely. I’ll have to pop in and check occasionally to make sure it hasn’t suspended them too much, or whatever it is that can and probably will go wrong.

Though given I don’t know what the problem might be, I almost certainly won’t know what the solution will be either.

Hmm. Think this might be one of those don’t think about it and have a sandwich things.

0848

Out of bread. Damn.

0852

Turns out the kitchen is voice activated, so the most effective way of getting yourself some more bread is to say “Damn it, we’re out of bread,” and a new loaf arrives in a matter of minutes, freshly baked, warm, and tasty, the way only a baker or whatever hellish-magic the food supply on this ship uses can provide.

I don’t especially care; it’s tasty and it makes a good sandwich.

Come to think of it, I don’t know where they got the ham or cheese from either.

...Starting to care a little bit. Unless we have a pig and a cow on board somewhere (and that would raise its own problems), then it’s a bit strange.

WHAT ARE YOU FEEDING ME, NASA?

0855

Alone for 12 minutes and I’m already going crazy. That’s a new record I think.

0920

Right. Eaten a questionable sandwich. What do I do now?

Can’t play solitaire. Blast.

It’s ok. There’s more to life than solitaire. Plenty of other things you can do. You could read a book, or build a house of cards.

0925

…Nah.

0935

Firing up the computer. Might be worth seeing if 2.0 has sent any updates. Would be good to know if they’re all ok after the whole nearly dying thing.

<INCOMING TRANSMISSION>

Speak of the devil.

Sorry 2.0.

<YOU HAVE 2 NEW MESSAGES>

<LOADING MESSAGE 1>

HEY GUYS JUST CHECKING IN. WE’RE STILL ALL NOT DEAD. THE OTHER CLONES SAY HI.

WE’RE ATTEMPTING TO CREATE A NEW CIVILIZATION. IT’S SURPRISINGLY HARD WORK. THE GIRLS WANTED ME TO GIVE ME ABSOLUTE POWER, BUT I INSISTED IT BE DECIDED BY DEMOCRATIC VOTE.

SO THEY UNANIMOUSLY VOTED TO GIVE ME ABSOLUTE POWER.

I’M NOT SURE ELECTIONS WORK WHEN EVERYONE IS AN IDENTICAL CLONE OF EACH OTHER.

I’LL LET YOU KNOW HOW WE GO. STAY SAFE.

__

Democracy at work, I guess. What else you got, 2.0?

<LOADING MESSAGE 2>

GOOD YOU’RE ALONE. WE CAN TALK.

IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME. WE GOT YOUR LAST MESSAGE.

INCIDENTALLY, THE FOOD IS BASICALLY NUTRITIONAL PASTE WITH FLAVOUR ADDED.

174th Entry

April 4^th, 2037

0830

Dear Space Diary

Are you decent?

“I’m never that.”

Are you dressed?

“Yes.”

Ok, I’m coming in now.

“I gathered that from the knock on the door and the questions as to my nature of dress. What do you want?”

Mary’s ready to go into suspended animation. Are you still keen to go?

“Yeah definitely. Been an unpleasant few months. You know, the whole living in a tank, being kidnapped by an automatic spaceship, falling in love with a total heartbreaker –“

Hey!

“ – and then falling into a coma and then going back to living in a tank. So I’m pretty keen for to end this as soon as possible.”

Sounds to me like you’ve spent most of your time floating around not doing much.

“…There was the whole repairing the spaceship while outside it thing.”

Again. Floating around.

“Oh shut up. Yes, I want to go into suspended animation.”

Let’s go, then.

“You gonna be ok?”

I’ve spent weeks alone in space before.

“Yeah, and you didn’t do great. I’ve seen the entries. You’ve… you’ve been through a lot, haven’t you.”

…You’ve read my diary?

“Wasn’t much to do while floating in a tank all day. So I loaded  up your entries from the computer.”

My entries are on the computer?

“Mary backed them up. She thought they might be important.”

What for?

“I don’t know, in case we needed a laugh?”

Hey! That’s my life you’re mocking.

“Sorry, habit. I was trying to be sympathetic.”

Trying.

“Anyway, I’m just saying, we’re going into suspended animation. But we’re worried about you. If you want to come with us…”

…I’ll think about it.

“Good. You’ve got ten minutes.”

Ten minutes?

“Ish.”

0839

What am I looking for Mary?

“Some sort of confirmation that the power’s on.”

There’s a light. Lights need power. How’s that?

“That’ll do it.”

So I think we’re set.

“Excellent.”

So you can go in suspended animation.

“Yup.”

Right now.

“Indeed.”

…

“…”

Oh well, best get on with it then.

“No point hanging around.”

…

“…”

“Oh for heaven’s sake will you guys just hug or something? The awkwardness is suffocating.”

We were having a moment.

“A stupid moment.”

Shutup. Bye Mary. See you in five weeks.

“Bye! Thanks, for, you know, everything, and all that.”

Believe me it was my pleasure.

“No it wasn’t, you hated most of it.”

Yup. But I’m glad to have been of help.

“You’re either a gentleman, or just kind of weird.”

“I just said that before!”

“Did you really? Cool!”

You’re both weird. Ok, you ready?

“Yep.”

“Yep.”

Alright. Comfy?

“Yeah it’s not too bad. Mind, we won’t really notice.”

You’ll still be in there for 5 weeks tho. Don’t want to wake up with a neck ache or anything.

“True. But it’s comfy. We’ll be fine.”

3.0, you ready?

“Freeze me!”

Ok, I’m pressing the start button.

“Thanks. Oh, and hey. That pod over there is ready to go. Just sayin’.”

Sweet dreams.

173rd Entry

April 4^th, 2037

0648

Dear Space Diary

…MARY!!!!!!

0650

MAAAARRRRYYY!!!

“Ouch, quiet down. What is it?”

Did you delete solitaire?

“What?”

Did you delete Solitaire?

“No! At, least, I don’t think I did…”

You don’t think?

“Well, I was deleting a whole bunch of things. Tracking data, my cloning notes. Anything I didn’t want NASA to see.”

And you thought a card game might be our downfall.

“Give me some credit.”

Did you just delete solitaire?

“Maybe.”

Then you shall have no credit.

“If I did, it was an accident. I’m really sorry. I know you love that game.”

Sigh. It’s ok. Don’t feel bad.

“Are you just saying that?”

Yes.

“Should I feel bad?”

Oh yes.

“…So what are you going to do for 5 weeks?”

Oh don’t worry, I’ll have plenty to do while you’re in subsidised animation.

“Suspended.”

Whatever. I’ll think of something. There’s more to me than solitaire, after all, ha ha!

“Ha ha!”

Yes.

0649

I am so bored.

0730

Mary’s just about ready to go in to expanded animation.

“Suspended! It’s not that hard.”

3.0’s asked to be put in too. We’ll get her out of the tank shortly and set her up too. After she’s had a shower.

“Hey!”

And then it’ll just be me.

On my own.

For 5 whole weeks.

Just like I wanted.

Whooooo.

0735

There’s plenty to do.

Better to be a little bored than play around anymore with NASA’s weird technology. I could never wake up. Or wake up green with six heads. Who knows what black magic it uses?

Ok get a grip. It’s science.  It’s not evil just because you don’t understand it.

0745

Science will get me while I sleep.

0800

You ready?

“Come on, get me out of here!”

I feel like we should make a speech or something.

“Less talking! More getting-me-out-of-this-tank…ing”

Maybe you shouldn’t give the speech.

“Ha ha. Come on, get me out.”

CLICK

SPPPPPPLLLLAAAAAASSSSHHH

Welcome back.

“Great. Can I have a towel please? And some clothes that aren’t completely soaked?”

Sure, we got some ready for you.

“Great!”

Er, you might want to wait before you get –

“What?”

…Nothing.

“Why are you staring at that wall duct?”

I find it quite fascinating.

“Could you hand me my clothes?”

…No.

“Oh! I think I worked it out.”

Good to hear.

“Would you like to come back when I’m less naked?”

That’d be great, thanks.

“Can you send Mary in? It’s nothing she hasn’t seen before, since it’s hers.”

Sure.

“I really don’t have a problem with it, you know.”

I sort of do.

“You’re either a gentleman, or just kind of weird.”

I think probably both.

0815

“Hey, she out?”

Oh she’s out alright.

“Right ok. Is she doing ok?”

Yes, she’s ok. Drying herself. Getting change. With no shame.

“No shame? …Ah! She hasn’t learnt about this whole modesty thing yet.”

No, she hasn’t.

“Felt a little uncomfortable?

Yeah.

“Would it help if I took my clothes off too?”

NO!

172nd Entry

April 4^th, 2037

0633

Dear Space Diary

“Stop freaking out. Suspended Animation is  a well-documented concept.”

Well documented where?

“…Science Fiction.”

I knew it. You don’t know any factual basis for it at all. It’s basically magic.

“Not true! Bears hibernate for the winter. They slow down their heartbeat and basically suspend themselves. Same principle.”

Are we bears?

“No.”

Then, again: Magic.

“Fine it’s magic. Get in the damn pod.”

No.

“Do you want to go home? Do you want to spend the next 5 weeks being bored?”

I won’t be bored. I’ve got solitaire.

“For five weeks?”

Done it before.

“Hmph. I thought you didn’t want to be stuck with us for the next 5 weeks?”

So you won’t be going into suspended animation?

“…No I will be.”

Well there you are then. Problem solved.

“Why are you being so…”

Adamant?

“I was going to use a different word.”

Because I’m tired. Because I was meant to go into space for about a few weeks and that was months ago. Because I never signed up for this. And I never signed up for magical time boxes that freeze you like bears.

“Bears don’t freeze themselves.”

Whatever! My point is I’m up for doing as little as possible that results in another weird machine doing weird things. Or maroons me on a weird planet. Or causes me to have to climb all over the side of a spaceship, while it’s flying!

“…Ok.”

Ok?

“Yeah. Yeah. Fine. So, 5 weeks of solitaire?”

Yes. And it will be great. You might be bored, but I’m not nearly bored enough.

“I’m sorry. You have been through a lot.”

Yes.

“And you’re on the other side of the universe from your fiancé.”

I am.

“Well, technically not the entire universe, but it seemed thematically appropriate.”

Yeah.

“…I’ve been through a lot too, you know.”

I get that, believe me I do. And I understand the idea of wanting it to be on hold as soon as humanly possible. Do what you need to do. I won’t stand in your way if you won’t stand in mind.

“Ok deal. Sounds good. Well, um, I’ll just tidy things up a bit and then I’ll put myself to sleep.”

Cool.

“Mind if I use the computer for a bit?”

Go for it.

“Cheers. Hey, you’ve never told me her name.”

Thought it might be a little weird.

“Nonsense. Come on. I want to meet her when we get back.”

Yeah, ok. I’d like that.

“Good.”

…Her name’s Mary.

“…Mary? Really?”

I said it’d be weird.

0645

All set?

“Think so. Done with the computer anyway, I’ll let you have it back.”

Thanks. I meant for suspension animation?

“Suspended. And yeah, I think so. Going to do a final pass, wander the halls.”

Sounds good. I’ll keep an eye on you, make sure you’re ok.

“That’s sweet. Ok, I’m off. I’ll pop by before I sleep.”

Cool.

0647

Might play a game of solitaire...

<FILE NOT FOUND>

…MARY!