215th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

2015

Dear Earth Diary

“What’s in the bag?”

Nothing!

“I don’t believe you.”

Well it’s possible that I had to carry some things, so I put them in a bag.

“What sort of things?”

I don’t know. General things. Such as… you know, a brain in a jar…

“Oh come on! How many times do we need to talk about this?”

I’ll carry her. She won’t get in the way.

“But why?”

I just thought we could give her a proper funeral when all this is over. Look if we get in trouble or if it becomes a problem, I’ll drop the bag, I promise.

“…Oh I guess so. I’m sorry I’m not trying to heartless.”

No, no it’s ok. You’re focussed on the mission. That’s valid.

“One thing. Was that bag in the room when we were dowsing everything in rocket fuel?”

Yes.

“So it’s now also doused in rocket fuel?”

…Yes.

“…Just be careful, ok? I’d prefer it if you didn’t burn to death.”

You say the sweetest things.

“NASA on the other hand can burn for all I care.”

…The sweetest things.

2111

Are you sure the test launch was this way?

“We passed that ages ago. That was all the fuel there was. We’ll need to find something else.”

Ugh. Why are secret labs always so large and confusing?

“Have you spent a lot of time in secret labs? I thought you worked here anyway.”

Not in this place. I worked over in the engineering and maintenance area. I’ve no idea what this place is.

“This is facility B. Not on the blueprints. It’s right under the launch pad.”

…How did you know that?

“I’ve been wandering about for a while. Learned a thing or two.”

Weren’t you worried you’d be caught?

“The only ones that seem to be down here are the guards. And they’re on our side since they like your talk show.”

Please don’t put it like that.

“They hear it like a show. And you talk. Talk show.”

That sounds so weird.

“You became a hero for talking to yourself and accidentally tripping over various parts of an illegal cloning operation. How weird do you want to get, because it’s already pretty weird.”

…So have you found out why they’re creating a clone army of you?

“I honestly have no idea. They couldn’t clone me on earth, so they wanted to send me to Mars. That didn’t work out so great, and twenty years later, here we are.”

Then why are they cloning 3.0? Shouldn’t that still be a problem?

“Well, 3.0 wasn’t born here per se. Or you know, at all. I’m guessing that’s a loophole. Legally speaking.”

Legally speaking?

“Not alive people don’t have rights.”

But she is… was alive.

“I dunno. Lawyers.”

Lawyers?

“Lawyers.”

So we destroy the lab, take away their clone sample, and then expose the whole thing?

“And get the clones out of here until then so they can’t just start again.”

Simple.

214th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

1940

Dear Earth Diary

“We should probably get started.”

Just give me a minute.

1941

“We should probably get started.”

…Fine.

1947

Mary is off looking for some kind of inflammable that we can use to burn down the lab.

Given NASA launch rockets from here I’m guessing it won’t be too hard to track down at least something.

I am currently engaged in some external grief management. By which I mean, smashing everything in sight with a very large hammer. Sadly I couldn’t find a crowbar but a hammer will do just fine.

Almost everything in sight, anyway. I’ve taken 3.0 and put her in a bag after checking her jar very carefully for leaks. I know she’s… dead, but I just can’t stomach leaving her here. Maybe I can try and bury her. Or at least rent a ship and toss her overboard.

Preferably away from any popular beach spots. I really don’t want to have to answer any of those questions.

Now that she’s safely stowed and spill resistant, I’ve gotten on with the mindless destruction. It’s actually…

SMASH

Very…

SMASH

Therapeutic.

SMASH

That looks important.

SMASH, SMASH, SMASH

2002

“Hey, I’m back. Found something that I think will do the job but I’d appreciate your – Oh my.”

Hello.

“You worked very fast.”

I like to be efficient.

“Scarily efficient.”

Thank you.

“Please put down the very large hammer.”

Ok.

“Thank you. Let me just take that and put it allllllll the way over here.”

Sure.

“Ok! Safety restored. Now –“

Do you want this hammer as well?

“…Yes. Yes I do.”

How about this one?

“How many of those do you have?”

2005

“Great. And now I’ll just lock these in here… And all sorted. Now, take a look at this.”

What is it?

“Rocket fuel, I think. Something I found in a test lab. Syphoned it out of a booster rocket.”

‘Rocket Fuel X. For when W just isn’t strong enough.’ Well I see their ability to name things has just gone from strength to strength.

“Fuel is fuel. And this will burn strong.”

And fast.

“Good.”

No, I mean, really fast. We don’t want to be in the same room when this goes off. Or really, the same building.

“I was thinking you could stay behind and nobly sacrifice yourself.”

…I think we’ve had enough of those for today.

“Or we could do one of those trails of fuel where you light the other end and it winds its way all the way back down to here where it explodes.”

Can we?

“Sure.”

Can we really?

“I thought you’d get a kick out of that.”

2009

Wheeeee!

“You are in a strange mood today.”

Let me have my moment.

2014

Ok so slight problem. Everything in the lab is doused with fuel.

“Good.”

But we’re out of fuel. We’re going to need some more.

“So let’s go!”

Sure. Hang on, let me just grab my bag.

“…What’s in the bag?”

Nothing.

213th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

1835

Dear Space Diary

She was one of the bravest people I knew. Unblinking in the face of danger, a constant ally that –

“What are you doing?”

I’m trying to work what I’d say at 3.0’s funeral.

“She’s unlikely to have one.”

Which is why it’s all the more important that I know what I’d say if she had one.

“If it makes you feel any better, she never had a birthday either.”

It does not.

“Sorry. Continue.”

3.0 was unique. She –

“Not she wasn’t. There were hundreds of her.”

Even so, she was unique.

“She was me. I’m me.”

You’re really not helping me deal with this.

“I’m helping me deal with this. Sarcasm as defence mechanism.”

When did you get so jaded?

“About 10 years in to my 20 years of being stuck in space. Give or take”

…OK fair enough.

“Sorry though. I know this can’t be fun.”

There’s nothing fun about it.

“No. But it’s necessary.”

I know. I know.

“…Go on.”

Go on what?

“Finish your eulogy.”

…3.0 was unique. Even amongst a crowd of completely identical clones, her enthusiasm and personality shone through. I consider her a friend, and she was the closest to the original Mary I ever found. Who incidentally is standing here right now and nodding so that’s something.

Even though she was never born, she definitely lived. And now she’s going to die. Which, well, which sucks. A lot.

She will be missed.

“She will.”

This is a serious thing we do, and we don’t do it lightly.

“Agreed.”

You ready?

“Ready.”

Get the door.

BEEP. WHIIRRRRRRRR.

Hey 3.0.

“Finally worked out you need to kill me, hey?”

1845

“Drowning?”

You’re floating in liquid, and you have no lungs.

“Tip me over?”

Too slow.

“Ooh, ooh, electrocution.”

Too dangerous. And would smell terrible.

“Not my problem.”

You are way too okay with this.

“I’m a brain in a jar. Only thing I’m good for is making clones. If you were going to shut this down, it was always going to end this way. I worked that out ages ago. Don’t know why you didn’t.”

“He’s remarkably naive isn’t he?”

“Oh don’t get me started.”

Will you both stop it? Mary do you have any ideas?

“We lower the oxygen count in her… brain juice? She still needs air to function properly. If we lower that, it’ll starve her.”

And she won’t feel pain?

“She wouldn’t even know that she’s dying.”

“Except that you just told me.”

“I promise you, you won’t.”

Why’s that?

“Because I already did it ten minutes ago.”

“You did? I didn’t notice.”

1850

“Although now that you mention it…”

1903

“Everything’s getting really…

1913

“Fuzzy.”

Is she ok?

“She’s dying. But she isn’t in pain.”

“I’m going… to sleep… for a little… is that ok?”

Sure thing 3.0. You go ahead.

1920

“Life signs are fading.”

1934

“…And that’s it.”

Oh.

“Yeah.”

…

1935

She was one of the bravest -

“Shut up.”

212th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

1603

Dear Earth Diary

That’s the last of them. Thank you so much.

“It’s just my job mate. Don’t go all teary eyed. Sign here.”

There you are.

“And here.”

Certainly.

“And in these 12 other places.”

…Ah.

1613

“First pet’s name?”

Mr. Rock.

“Species?”

Rock.

1627

Photo ID?

“I’ve got my employment card.”

Great. Just scan that here… and sign here.

1711

Julia.

“And if she had kept her maiden name?”

…Still Julia.

1809

“And lastly –“

HA!

“….Sign here.”

Fine. Fine. Are we done?

“We’re done. Here’s a copy for your records. Sign here.”

Ugh.

“Please accept these complimentary Fed Ex bumper stickers, as well as this numbered collector’s pen.”

Thank you.

“That’ll be 50 cents for the pen.”

…Fine.

“Very good, Sir. Thank you for your custom. If Fed Ex can ever help you with your delivery needs, just let us know. Remember, ‘Why be fed up with waiting, when you can be Fed Ex?’”

…

“…”

…

“…That was mine. I came up with it.”

I can tell.

1815

Is he gone?

“Yes.”

Is he actually gone?

“Yes.”

Saviour of the world, right there.

“Be nice. He just works there.”

Hmm. Well, at least we got the Mary’s out of there. Now what?

“You mentioned teeth kicking. But first there’s something very important we have to do.”

The lab?

“Exactly. I don’t want to leave any possibility of them starting this up again, with me or anyone else. We have to shut it down.”

What did you have in mind?

“I propose hitting everything really hard with a crowbar.”

I can get behind that.

“Oh, but there is one thing.”

What?

“One of us is going to have to kill 3.0?”

…No. No, you can’t be serious.

“I am. I’m not being heartless. I really, really don’t want to do this. But she’s a brain in a jar. We can’t take her out of the lab without killing her. As long as she’s there, everything we just did is meaningless. If they can get even one more clone out of her, then they’ve won.”

But…

“We have to kill her. We have to.”

1820

So, thank you for your help guys.

“Can’t we stay? We want to help save the universe!”

I know, and believe me I appreciate it. It’s nice to have people on my side. But from here on out we’re going to be doing some seriously illegal stuff. I’m already convicted. But I don’t want you guys to get in trouble.

“Oh.”

Plus we kind of want to be quiet. It’s difficult for 49 people to be quiet.

“We can be really quiet, can’t we boys!”

“YOU BET!!”

“…Ok I take your point.”

Thank you. Really, I mean it. I couldn’t have done this without you helping me escape. Thank you, all of you.

“Don’t mention it.”

“You can do it!”

“Kick NASA’s butt!”

“We love you space guy!”

“I hold a deep affection for you.”

You’re ok I guess!”

211th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

1453

Dear Earth Diary

“This will never work.”

You lack conviction.

“This will NEVER work.”

And yet?

“Just because you convinced that idiot from Fed Ex that you know what you’re talking about does not mean that NASA and whoever’s hired NASA are going to let you get away with this.”

They don’t need to let us get away with this; we ARE getting away with this. Like, right this second.

“No, it’s not going to –“

“Excuse me? Are you sure this is the right address?”

Yes of course. That’s where we need them to go.

“That’s in the suburbs isn’t it?”

Yes… we have a secret base there. In the suburbs.

“…Whatever, boss. I’m getting paid either way. Ok, sign here and I’ll we’ll start getting these out the door.”

…There you go.

“Ta. And look, thanks for asking your guards to help out. Normally it’s just me and my trolly.”

They normally expect you to move all this yourself?

“More demanded. But really, I appreciate it.”

It’s my pleasure. You may have just saved the world you know.

“…They’re just boxes, mate. Alright everyone! Let’s start moving them!”

You see? All in hand.

“Saving the world?”

Well I don’t know, do I? Maybe they were cloning you because they could, maybe they want to start a nuclear war. Maybe they decided one of you simply wasn’t enough. Point is, whatever they want them for, maybe, just maybe we’ve stopped them. Which is what we want to do, yes? Face it, I’ve solved it. No killing them, just get them out of here and allow them a chance to live. I’ve got the high ground here.

“Where’d you send them to?”

My house. Well, my ex-fiancé’s now I guess.

“…What?”

I figured they’d at least know her name. Look, it was the only address I knew off the top of my head. And it gets them out of here while we try and stop things permanently.

“You just sent 360 naked women to your house.”

There are many things I could say in response to that.

“Yes?”

But I’m not going to.

“You’re not worried about what’s going to happen to them?”

Mostly I’m worried it’s cash on delivery.

“So, let me get this straight. You’ve sent 360 clones of me, to your ex-fiancé.”

Yes.

“Why?”

I thought it might piss her off.

“Really.”

Ok, most of the high ground.

“Hmm.”

I promise you, my every intention is to put a stop to this and then go find them and buy them some clothes and help them get set up. But even if… even if we don’t make it out, I know they’ll be ok. They’ll be able to look after themselves.

“How do you know that?”

Because they’re you.

“…Thank you.”

Come on. Let’s go kick NASA in the teeth.

“You mean whoever’s controlling NASA?”

Oh I’m all for stopping them. But first: we find NASA, and kick them in the teeth.

Very hard.

210th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

1425

Dear Earth Diary

Once Mary stopped teasing me (I hope), she went to check out some of the boxes, on the grounds that I could no longer be trusted.

I’m feeling slightly hard done by.

“Better than other reasons to be feeling hard.”

Ok so she’s not done teasing me yet.

“It’ll take a while.”

…I’m going to check on the guards.

1430

The guards are fine. Somebody had packed leftover bacon and they were currently fighting each other for it in a fairly ineffectual way. Which, while it doesn’t reassure me on their ability to actually protect me or guard anything, is at least a harmless way of keeping them busy.

“I’m back.”

Well?

“You’re right. They’re not dead. They’re in a stasis of some kind, brought on by something they put in the nutritional paste. Keeps them healthy but completely inanimate until they switch them on.”

So they’re in a food coma?

“This is kind of serious.”

Sorry.

“They’re stable, but we need to make a decision.”

What’s that?

“How are we going to kill them?”

Well, we could – Wait, what? Kill them? We can’t kill them!

“Well in some ways they’re not technically alive, so I guess you’re right –“

That’s not what I mean. How could you suggest that? They’re you!

“They’re clones of me. They’re not me, I’m me.”

You saved the Marys on Splat!

“That’s different. They were alive. They had learnt and become their own people. These are just… things in a box.”

What’s to say these aren’t the same?

“That’s why we have to kill them now.”

I can’t believe you’re saying this.

“Saying it is the only way I can convince myself that this is ok. And we have to. Did you see what they did to 3.0? She’s just… she’s not 3.0 anymore. We have to stop them, and if that means killing 360 of me then so be it.”

…No. There has to be another way.

“I don’t like this. Believe me. Please, I’m not a monster. But we can’t allow them to get away with this. Not again. I’ve been used for 20 years and I’ve had enough. We have to end this.”

And I get that. I don’t want you to suffer, or be cloned again. And we will stop them. But we can’t become killers.

“…I’m listening. Go on. If you have a brilliant plan that doesn’t kill them, then I’m all ears.”

Um… ok, hang on, well…

“I’m waiting.”

Shut up and let me think! We could…

“Er, excuse me sir, madam.”

Aaarrgh!

“Aaaargh!”

“…Hi?”

Who are you?

“Delivery guy. The guards let me in. Are these the crates?”

What?

“Ugh. Listen, I’ve got an invoice here to pick up 360 crates. If you’re not who I talk to, then who do I talk to?”

“Delivery?”

“I’m just here to do my job, ma’am.”

“I’m sorry, there’s been –“

…Yes! Yes the delivery. I’m afraid there’s been a change of address…

209th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

1334

Dear Earth Diary

"Well, what's on the other side?"

I haven't gone through yet.

"Well, go through!"

...In a minute.

"Are you alright?"

I'm fine. I've just been seized by foreboding.

"Really."

Yeah.

"Wow... Four of them?"

Ok fine I'm going in.

CREEEEAAAAAAAAAAAKKKK

Well that was more ominous than necessary.

"It certainly was!"

Ok look, when I do this whole talk to myself thing, it's rhetorical. I don't need a response.

"Right you are!"

Just... I dunno, guard the door. I'll sneak in and take a look around.

"Ok! Leave it us."

Stay on alert. Don't let your guard down.

"Lunch break, boys!"

1340

I think that was the largest cheer a secret stealth mission has ever given.

Still, negotiating with each other to trade lunches is at least keeping them busy, so I can finally get some piece.

Right. Here goes. No time for fear. This could be it. The time for bravery is now.

1344

Right now. Here and now. No delay. Gotta keep moving.

1358

Here goes.

1404

Well it’s pretty dark, but it could be an evil clone lab.

It’s very… shelvy. Wall to wall shelves. Floor to roof shelves.

Shelves.

I can see any sciency equipment, or even anything that could be used like those clone vats we found on Splat. Just… shelves. Far as I can see.

Maybe this isn’t an evil clone lab. Maybe it’s just an evil set of shelves.

Or even regular shelves. I dunno. They’re covered in boxes. They don’t look especially evil but I suppose there could be evil things inside them.

1409

Managed to find an (evil) crowbar after some hunting. Now to pry the evil nails from the evil box and see what’s inside.

CRACK. THUMP.

Right. Can’t especially delay it any longer. Time to…

Oh my.

I found it. I found them.

Hello Mary.

1420

Checked out some of the other boxes. All the same, all filled with Marys.

They don’t seem to be alive. Certainly not breathing, but then they didn’t really seem dead either. They were just… dormant I guess. Waiting for something.

Waiting for what? Ask someone who’s isn’t desperately trying not to think about that.

I didn’t rummage around too much (I’ve seen enough horror movies to know where that leads) but I did spy a few tubes so at a guess they’re being kept fed and watered using the same sort of feeding tubes I… enjoyed… back in the spaceship. I don’t miss those at all.

They’re also very um… under dressed. I’m trying not to think too hard about that either.

Really trying not to think about that.

Nope. Definitely not thinking about it.

…Maybe I should check some more of them just to make –

“Oh be more pathetic. Please.”

Hello, Mary.

“Hello, you.”

Glad you’re ok.

“Glad you’re not thinking about me naked.”

I wasn’t, I was –

“Thinking about me naked, except younger and more attractive?”

There’s no safe answer to that is there?

“Nope.”