224th Entry

June 10^th, 2037

1030

Dear Earth Diary

CLOMP, CLOMP, CLOMP

So I can I ask a question.

“Silence, prisoner.”

CLOMP, CLOMP, CLOMP

What happened to the other guards? The nice ones?

“They quit.”

When?

“’Bout an hour ago.”

…Oh.

CLOMP, CLOMP, CLOMP

So what happens now?

“You die.”

Not for another 4 hours and 15 minutes.

“Maybe it just takes that long.”

I’m going to stop asking questions now.

“That was the idea.”

CLOMP, CLOMP, CLOMP

1045

“Sit there.”

That’s a cardboard box.

SLAP

“Sit there.”

Yes, sir.

“Better.”

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP

What are you doing?

“Calling the boss.”

The boss?

SLAP

“Yes.”

…Ow.

“Hello? We’re here. Okay.”

CLICK

CLOMP, CLOMP, CLOMP

Nice working with you.

“You’ll be dead soon.”

SLAM

Charming guy.

“Stay calm. It’s all going to be okay.”

Providing I can talk nonsense for 4 and a half hours.

“You’ve managed five months so far.”

Hey!

“Sorry, you made it too easy.”

Any chance you can fill me in on what the plan is before… whoever… gets here?

“I don’t want you to accidentally give it away.”

What about if you accidentally give it away?

“I don’t give things away.”

I admire your confidence.

“I admire your… thank you.”

Hey.

“Again. Too easy.”

Give me a hint.

“Astronomy.”

…Nope, not getting it.

“Hopefully your stars are aligned.”

Still nothing.

“It’ll hit you sooner or later.”

You’re not helping.

“I really am.”

Listen, just tell me what –

FWEEEEEET

“Well hello.”

Who are you?

“Hm. Let’s go with Smith, shall we?”

Is that your actual name?

“No. Pleasure to meet you.”

Somehow I doubt that.

“Oh no it is. When I sent you out there, you were just a name in a pre-typed obituary.”

Er.

“But to actually meet you is something I never thought would happen. We were so… going to abandon you in space, and yet here you are!”

I’m so pleased.

“Me too! I’m so glad you’re back.”

…You are?

“I’m back too.”

Yes, Mary, you are! But we were always going to bring you back.

“I know you were going to leave me on Mars.”

Only for a few years. But once the clones were all ready to go we were totally going to bring you back with them!

“Oh?”

And then after, we’d kill you.

“There it is.”

But you. You I never thought I’d see. But now I get to tell you about everything! You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to tell someone.

“But I’m going to die anyway.”

“Exactly! But everyone else, if I tell them, I’d have to kill them. And I like everyone else. But you, you’re going to die. So it doesn’t matter if I brag a little.”

Charming.

“I thought about maybe going to find someone in jail, but this is so much easier.”

Please stop talking.

“What, you don’t want to know why you went through what you did?”

…Go on then. Tell me about it. In as much detail as possible.

“Use long words.”

223rd Entry

June 10^th, 2037

0900

Dear Earth Diary

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP

Oh dear God. They put in a new alarm clock and it’s the same alarm as on my spaceship and it’s driving me insane. I’ll just put it on snooze.

…There are no buttons.

“Ugh. It’s the deluxe version with voice control. Hurry up and turn it off”

Oh. Ahem. ‘Snooze.’

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP

Snooze.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP

SNOOZE!

BEEP, BEEP, BE -  DID YOU SAY SNOOZE?

Yes.

THE WORD SNOOZE IS NOT FOUND IN MY VOCABULARY.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP

Oh dear God.

0921

BEEP, BEEP, BE –

…I think that did it.

“Thank goodness for that. Did you find the shut off?”

No. I just threw it in the toilet.

“That’d do it. Do you know what today is?”

Tuesday?

“Wednesday, but that’s not what I meant. It’s June the 10^th.”

Yeah I know that. It’s also coincidentally the day I get executed.

“No it isn’t.”

What?

“It’s Mary Saves The Day!”

How –

“…Day.”

- Are you planning to do that?

“That would spoil the surprise.”

I am quite okay with that.

“Besides, I already told you. Ages back.”

You did?

“Well, I strongly hinted, anyway. June 10^th, 1500.”

…I vaguely remember that. What happens at 1500?

“That would spoil the – “

Oh shut up. There’s something you forgot too, you know.

“What?”

That it’s also I Get Executed Day… Day.

“You didn’t need to say day twice. And I hadn’t forgotten. It’s my execution too. I put a reminder in my phone.”

And that’s at 1445. In other words, whatever you’ve planned, it will be too late.

“That’s why we need to stall them.”

How are you planning on doing that?

“What’s the thing you hate most about NASA?”

That they put me in a spaceship and blasted me in to space and then pretended the ship was faulty so I would crash land on a planet where their secret clone army had been grown by mistake?

“…What’s the thing you hate second-most about NASA?”

Um… I dunno. How obsessed they are with rules?

“Exactly. We just need to our bureaucratic them.”

I’m not sure you’re using that word correctly.

“That’s good! Use that one!”

1000

CLANG

“Ok scum, get up! Do you know what day it is?”

Wednesday?

“…Yes. But it’s also the day when you die!”

You’ve got a real way with words.

“Shut up. Let’s go.”

Hang on, don’t we get breakfast.

“Why waste food on dead people?”

What about our last meal?

“When was the last time you ate?”

Last night.

“That would be your last meal then.”

…Damn it.

“Come on.”

Okay, but we’ll need to stop on the way so I can use the bathroom.

“Just use the toilet over there.”

It’s alarmed.

“…Whatever. Come on.”

1011

Mary, I’m kind of scared.

“Just follow my lead and everything will be fine.”

Are you sure?

“I promise.”

It’s just that…

“What?”

How can I follow your lead if you’re behind me?

“I hate you.”

222nd Entry

June 5^th, 2037

0903

Dear Earth Diary

Life has brought me many changes over the last five months. Some good, some bad.

For starters, I’m no longer on fire. That’s good.

I am also now bald.

“Some people find bald men attractive.”

Are you one of those people?

“Some people.”

Great.

“Look on the bright side, no hair is better than straggly clumps of burnt hair.”

I feel so much better.

“Are you two done yet? I want my shaving kit back.”

Why do you even have a shaving kit?

“There are times when you need a body to be hairless before you – “

And stop.

0910

“Right, done. You ok?”

It stings a bit.

“I’ve got some burn cream in the car.”

Do you have anything else? Like a wig?

“Shut up and follow me I’m setting fire to this lab in 30 seconds and I don’t especially mind if you’re still in it, however you might, and I seriously don’t have enough burn cream for that.”

Ok, ok.

“Whatever you do, just make sure the door doesn’t close. I’ve got to toss the match down there.”

Ok, jeez. I’m not stupid.

CLICK

“WAS THAT THE DOOR CLOSING?!”

Actually I think it might have been a gun.

“What makes you say that?”

The fact that that man is pointing a gun at us.

“…Oh.”

“Hands up!”

They are up.

“And keep them up! You! What are you doing?”

“I’m lighting this match so I can throw it down these stairs.”

“Well… don’t! Throw it somewhere else! Now!”

FWOOMPH!

“What just happened?”

You told him to throw the match away.

“Yes?”

So he did.

“Yes?”

He through it at my bag. Which incidentally is doused in experimental rocket fuel.

“Oh.”

It’s probably going to explode real soon.

“Throw it away!”

Sure thing.

“NOT DOWN THE STAIRS!”

CLANG

…

FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPPHHHHHHH

Bye, 3.0.

June 9^th, 2037

1300

Dear Earth Diary

More lunch?

“Oh no, thank you. I’m completely full.

Another drink, then?

“Yes please!”

Well on the whole I thought that went very well. We torched the lab, ended the clone program, and gave 3.0 a proper viking funeral.

“Yes.”

All’s well that ends well.

“That was very clever of you, throwing the bag down the stairs like that.”

Well, I had to throw it somewhere. After all, it was on fire.

“Ha ha! Yes, it was.”

Still, I couldn’t have done it without you Mary. You helped me find the lab, even tracked down that scary Janitor person.

“Actually he contacted me. He’d been planning an attack for months. It was a mutual arrangement.”

Still, I owe you my life Mary, thank you. If you hadn’t have got me out of my cell, I would have been executed for sure.

“It was my pleasure. We’re friends, after all.”

We are! Most certainly we are. Hug?

“Hug!”

Awwwww.

“…Of course, we are now back in a cell, awaiting execution.”

Yes.

“So that sucks.”

It does.

“Mm.”

“Will you both please shut up?”

221st Entry

June 5^th, 2037

0815

Dear Earth Diary

Oh.

“I got here about an hour ago. Sorry for not leaving the entrance open, I didn’t want anyone to know I’d found it.”

That makes sense. I would do the same thing.

“Really? I didn’t hear you close the secret door when you came in.”

…Where have you been?

“Looking for fuel. Where have you been?”

Oh you know. Searching. Investigating. Sleeping.

“Sleeping?”

Did you find any fuel?

“Nothing. For a space agency there’s not really a lot around here that gives agency of space. But well done on finding the lab, that’s very impressive.”

Thank you.

“You’re welcome.”

It’s less impressive given that you already found it.

“Yes but I hid it again. Still counts. Anyway, there’s someone that I want you to meet.”

There’s someone down here?

“Oh yes. And I think you’ll want to talk to him. Here. This is Edward.”

Edward?

“Yes, Edward”

So now the truth comes out!

“…No.”

So you’re who was behind this all along!

“No. No, he’s the janitor.”

Oh.

“Is this the guy?”

“That’s him.”

“Right. Honour to meet you etc. etc. Now shut up and let’s get to work.”

…I didn’t say anything.

“Good for you.”

THUMP.

Ow!

“Here, catch.”

What is it?

“Fuel. More than enough to burn this place to the ground. About time we got rid of this.”

You’re a janitor. Where did you find fuel?

“…In my car. Is he always this dumb?”

“Usually.”

“Sigh. Ok, get to work.”

0820

Place is mostly doused. Presumably the hot and burning flames will take care of any bits we missed.

Have taken a look around. I was worried the lab might be in production but it’s completely empty. Guess they must have packed up the previous batch and were waiting to ship it out before starting again.

Or maybe that’s all they wanted? Maybe?

Either way, it burns.

“Does he do this talking to himself thing a lot?”

“Quite a lot. Haven’t you heard his recordings? They’ve been all over apparently.”

“I don’t listen to the news much. So he just talks and it’s getting broadcast?”

While I was out in space, yeah. Now it’s just kind of habit.

“…Why would anyone want to listen to someone as boring as you?”

Thanks a lot.

“You’re welcome. Got a match?”

No.

“Amateurs. Don’t worry, I brought my own.”

That’s quite an arson collection you have there.

“I’m the janitor. I clean up things. Stains, problems. People.”

I am deeply frightened by you right now.

“That’s probably for the best.”

0825

Should I say a few words?

“You always do.”

Yeah.

…

“Oh go on.”

We finally did it. We shut it down.

“We did.”

It’s over.

“We still have to get out of here and make sure the clones are ok.”

True. But for now… we did it.

“We did it.”

…

“Can I say something too?”

Sure thing, Mary.

“I just wanted to say…”

Yes?

“Your hair is on fire.”

220th Entry

June 5^th, 2037

0802

Dear Earth Diary

I think this is it… wait, maybe I’m just really unfit.

…No, I can barely move the other boxes, but this one I can barely even barely move.

Success! I have failed at moving a box!

Ok let’s take a look.

CLUNK

Hmmm. Looks pretty much the same as the other boxes. Nutripaste tubes, some machine that I think kept them dormant… a bit of hay for them to lie on (stay classy, NASA).

All of the machines look the same. Unless I have to enter in a specific code of buttons or something.

What about the hay. Any instructions hidden in there?

Oh hang on, what’s this? Something buried under there.

It’s a big red button and a sign.

THIS BUTTON IS EXTREMELY BORING AND NOT AT ALL IMPORTANT. PLEASE DO NOT PRESS IT.

…Nice try?

CLICK

…

THUNK

…

CLICK, CLICK, CLICK

THUNK

CHUNK

THANK YOU FOR USING MICROSOFT DOOR 2024. YOU ARE ON DAY 4748 OF YOUR 30 DAY TRIAL.

It worked! I did it! I logiced the hell out of that secret door!

Now where is it?

0805

Found it! It was over behind the pipe. A floor hatch has lifted up, revealing a staircase.

Secret lab, here I come!

0807

Dark down here. Kind of spooky, actually.

WHIIIIIRRRRR

Oh good, a green light and strange noises. That’s so much better.

THIS IS A RESTRICTED AREA. PLEASE ENTER YOUR LOGIN AND PASSWORD.

Um…

UM IS NOT A RECOGNISED LOGIN. ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?

I don’t have a login.

I DON’T HAVE A LOGIN IS NOT A RECOGNISED LOGIN. ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?

…Sign in as guest.

ONE MOMENT.

WELCOME, GUEST! PLEASE ENJOY YOUR TIME IN OUR RESTRICTED AREA.

Oh dear. NASA really need to fire their head of security.

Actually maybe that’s what happened.

0810

Well, here we are. Entering the secret lab. Who knows what horrors I’ll find within?

FLOP

I guess a piece of paper on a piece of string hanging from the roof is pretty horrifying.

…It’s a non-disclosure agreement.

There’s a door behind it marked LAB ENTRANCE.

Here we go.

0812

Well I must say on the whole I’m a little disappointed. Here I am, finally after all this time at the centre of their evil operations, and this has to be the most un-evil evil lab I’ve ever been in.

By which I mean it looks to be a pretty well designed and maintained laboratory that would probably pass the majority of workplace safety tests that I’m aware of.

It’s also completely abandoned.

“Hi there.”

Oh my God. Oh my God. MARY?

“Er. Yes?”

I don’t understand. This doesn’t make any sense.

“What doesn’t?”

Wait a moment. I need to process this. You mean, YOU were behind this all along?

“What? No!”

So now the truth comes out!

“I came up with an evil plan to strand myself on Mars and then clone myself?”

…Well how come you’re in the lab then?

“…I found it first.”