160th Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0145

Dear Space Diary

“Mary are you there?”

“Reading you, 3.0.”

“…You mean you can hear me?”

“Yes. 3.0. Yes I do.”

“Because I’m not a book.”

“I can read you like a book if that’s any help.”

“Not especially. Wiring just about done. I’ve replaced the frayed wires, just hooking them up and applying liberal coatings of duct tape and we should be in business.”

That’s amazing, 3.0. Well done!

“Oh, it’s you. Why didn’t you respond to our messages?”

I was asleep. And Mary had the microphone off.

“You could have responded if you really wanted to.”

Had I known you were actually talking to me, I would have. Haven’t you got more important things to be doing than berating me?

“Not especially.”

It’s 2 in the morning and you’re hanging to the side of a spaceship careening through space trying to fix the engine.

“Well when you put it like that…”

0223

“And… I think we’re done. Mary, are we done?”

“Let me run a quick diagnostic.”

THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING NASAGNOSTIC, YOUR NUMBER 1 SPACE DIAGNOSTIC OPTION! Not - Nasagnostic is a systems stability utility, and not a belief that questions the existence of NASA based on a lack of evidence.

TELL YOUR FRIENDS

“Oh God.”

0227

“That was a good idea with the headphones, thanks.”

You’re welcome!

0240

“Last test is done. We got a score of… 5976.”

What does that mean?

“Hang on, I’ll look it up on the table. A score of between 3000-6000 means… Average to Amazing.”

Could you narrow it down at all?

“That would help. I’ll click the advanced results.”

YOU ARE USING A TRIAL VERSION OF NASAGNOSTIC. TO UPGRADE TO THE PRO VERSION OF NASAGNOSTIC, PLEASE PAY A ONE TIME UPGRADE FEE OF $37,000.00. WOULD YOU LIKE TO UPGRADE NOW?

“…No.”

PLEASE WAIT. LOADING ADVANCED RESULTS.

THANK YOU FOR CALLING OUR BLUFF.

“Um, you’re welcome.”

NASAGNOSTIC DOES NOT SUPPORT VOICE RECOGNITION. STOP TALKING NOW.

0244

RESULTS READY

“Here we ware. A score between 5970-5975 equals “A result to be proud of.” A score between 5977 and 5980 equals “Write home and tell your parents about how good your result was.”

So we’re good?

“I think it’s safe to assume. Certainly everything is responding correctly, but I guess we won’t know for sure until we turn the engines on.”

“So I can come back inside now?”

Sure 3.0. Good job. You’ve saved us. Come back in for a well-deserved rest.

“That’s what I was waiting to hear, been feeling pretty short of breath. On my way back in.”

“Great. I’ll start the ignition sequence!”

Well done Mary. We couldn’t have done this without you.

“Ahem.”

Either of you.

“That’s better.”

“You’re welcome.”

…Are we ok?

“We’re going home. Let’s worry about it then. But for now, yes.”

Ok good. Hug?

“Sure!”

…Still kind of awkward.

“Yeah.”

“Hey guys?”

Yes 3.0?

“I think I might be about to pass out.”

Are you ok?

“Right about… now.”

Hello? Hello?

159th Entry

April 2^nd, 2037

1420

Dear Space Diary

Mary was pretty busy so I’ve left her to it. Mainly because she shouted at me when I went in the room. Maybe there’s still some tension there. Then again, she is pretty unidirectional when working.

Also it turns out the computer doesn’t have a mute button so I can’t turn off the stupid transmission incoming reminder. On the plus side, I cleverly deduced that if I plugged some earphones into the computer, it effectively blocks out the sound. So long as I don’t wear the headphones.

Looks like Mary and 3.0 aren’t the only engineers on this ship.

To celebrate, I played 10 games of solitaire straight. Lost all of them. Good thing I’m not a betting man, or I would have owed myself a lot of money.

Pretty tired. Guess I’ll take a nap. Don’t want to mess with my sleep tonight, so just a quick one. Hour or two maybe.

April 3^rd, 2037

0045

Damn it.

Surprised they didn’t wake me when they were done though. Guess they didn’t have the heart to wake me. Or they tried to wake me but couldn’t. Or it never occurred to them to try and wake me. Or they prefer me when I’m asleep.

Wow, getting pretty depressing and low self-esteem there. Best think about something else before you start getting ridiculous.

I wonder if quarter to one is too early for breakfast. Ooh, I wonder if we have any eggs and –

Wait. What if they’re both… DEAD?

Yup, we’re in ridiculous territory.

Hang on though, what if they are? It could have happened while I was asleep. They could be lying in the space equivalent of a gutter right now, and I’d never know it. I better go check on them. I know I’m probably just being stupid, but I really should check.

Hmm, I wonder what the space equivalent of a gutter actually is?

Pluto, probably.

0051

They’re not asleep in their rooms. Unless they’ve suddenly decided to sleep in other rooms.

0124

Nope.

0127

Can’t find them anywhere. They’re not answering the radio. They should have been done hours ago.

Ok don’t panic. Where was the last time you saw them?

…The control room.

0131

“Oh hi. You didn’t bring coffee by any chance, did you?”

What are you still doing here?

“Well, we hit some complications. Wiring was frayed, couldn’t tape it, Needed to be replaced. Fortunately found some spares. 3.0 should be finishing it off as we speak.”

Where’d you get the wires?

“Supply cabinet. Found the list you’d made when we were looking for tape. Heaps in Cupboard 15.”

Why didn’t you ask me to help?

“We did. Many times. You ignored us. We’re still a little sore about that.”

“Yes, we are.”

I didn’t ignore you! I was asleep!

“I was yelling pretty loud by the end of it. I find it hard to believe that you couldn’t have – oh wait, the microphone is still off.”

158th Entry

April 2^nd, 2037

1112

Dear Space Diary

Prepare to open the airlock. Again.

“Aren’t you going to ask if I’m ok?”

You’re ok.

“I nearly got hit by a meteorite you know.”

You said you were ok.

“I know. But now I want sympathy. And possibly a bagel.”

Just get out there.

“I’m thinking of forming a union.”

It’ll need to be ratified with at least four signatures.

“…When we’re on Earth, then.”

Go and fix the ship.

“Fine, fine. Open the airlock, Mary.”

“Opening.”

1120

“About half way.”

1127

“And I’m there.”

“Great work, 3.0. I’m glad we sent you.”

“I climbed along the side of a spaceship. It’s not hugely impressive.”

“I just think it’s important to be supportive.”

I climbed along the side of a spaceship earlier, too.

“Nobody cares.”

Ouch.

“Ooh, do I detect tension?”

Not now, 3.0.

“I’m on to you two.”

“Actually, you’re on the engine. So let’s get to work.”

Anything I can do to help.

“Nope, we’re good. You’re welcome  to hang around, but –“

But what?

“Well, we’re not saying you’ll be in the way.”

…but?

“We’re not saying it.”

I’m going to go make a sandwich.

“That’s the spirit!”

1135

In the kitchen. Wondering what counts as comfort food without being too over the top. …I’m not useless am I?

“Not entirely.”

3.0! Turn the radio off!

“Fine.”

CLICK

Anyone else on the radio?

“No.”

Mary, please. You guys need to work.

“Ok. Sorry.”

CLICK

Chocolate sandwich it is.

1200

That idea worked better in my head.

Checked in with Mary briefly. 3.0 was busy re-engaging the warp couplet, whatever that meant, but from the part of the conversation I understood, things were going well. Probably take a few hours yet. During which time, I have nothing to do.

…Guess there’s always solitaire.

1203

Ok, turn on the terminal and let’s play some… oh. Time for a password change.

1205

What? Not complex enough? But I’ve already got a number… Oh, capital letter. Fine.

1206

SYMBOLS? You’ve got to be kidding me.

1208

PASSWORD ACCEPTED, THANK YOU.

About time. Never going to remember that, but whatever.

And now it’s time for –

NEW UPDATES ARE AVAILABLE. PLEASE WAIT.

Maybe I didn’t make the chocolate sandwich correctly.

1223

Nope, it’s just a bad idea.

Oh thank goodness, updates are done. And now –

INCOMING TRANSMISSION

…You know what? No. I don’t care what you have to say NASA. We’ve had words. You’ve helped us. But now we’re done. I’m. Not. Listening.

And Solitaire.

1245

Just like old times. The good bit of the old times.

INCOMING TRANSMISSION REMINDER

Go away. Ooh, an ace, perfect.

1300

INCOMING TRANSMISSION REMINDER

Come on, ten of hearts, where are you.

1310

INCOMING TRANSMISSION REMINDER

Ok, I should be fine as long as that hidden card isn’t the 4 of… it is, isn’t it. Damn.

…Another game won’t hurt I –

INCOMING TRANSMISSION NOT ANSWERED AFTER 5 REMINDERS. INCREASING VOLUME.

On second thoughts, let’s go see how Mary’s doing.

157th Entry

April 2^nd, 2037

1035

Dear Space Diary

“3.0! Get back inside! There’s a meteorite! You need to get back in, now! Hurry! I don’t understand, she’s not responding. What the hell are you doing?”

She can’t hear you.

“But everything’s working! I checked the equipment twice this morning! 3.0! MARY!!!”

You turned the microphone off.

“…You could have said something.”

I did.

CLICK

“3.0! There’s a meteorite!”

“I know, it’s cool, isn’t it?”

“What?”

“And incidentally, I know you turned the microphone off. That’s just rude. Also suspicious. I’m on to you two.”

There’s no time. Get inside! It’s going to hit the side of the ship.

“Pfft. Like that’s going to hurt the ship. These things are strong.”

More specifically, it’s going to hit near the engine.

“Oh cool, I’ll have a good view from here.”

“3.0, you idiot! It’s going to hit where YOU are. It’s going to hit YOU.”

“…Will it hurt?”

YES IT WILL HURT! It’s pretty small but it’s still going to do some damage. Get out of there.

“Can’t you just turn the ship!”

“I’m trying! But the autopilot is still locked. I can’t change it unless I lock on to something else, and if I do that I’ll never be able to get it back on Earth. Hurry, you’re almost out of time.”

“Ok, I’m going, I’m going.”

1037

3.0, move!

“I’m moving!”

Move faster. It’s getting closer! You have to get back inside!

“Do I have to be back inside to be safe? Can’t I just be, you know, not where it is?”

The hull may be strong enough to not take any damage, but it’s still going to throw us about. The autopilot will correct the course, but you’ll be knocked free.

“I can hold on fine, thank you.”

Do you want to bet… your life?

“Do you have any idea how corny you just –“

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

It hit us!

“I’m aware of that.”

Are you ok?

“Which side of my skin is the blood meant to be on?”

Inside.

“Then I’m mostly fine. Can you see 3.0?”

…No, the camera’s busted. Can you raise her on the microphone?

“Hello? Hello? 3.0, are you reading me?”

Try something a bit louder.

“Mayday! Mayday!”

That’s too loud.

“Sorry, I panicked… Nothing. No response. Maybe her receiver is broken.”

I’m going out there. How’s the ship? Any damage?

“Nothing on the scanner.”

That’s odd. It felt like quite an impact.

“Of course, it’s entirely possible the scanner’s damaged.”

Ah.

1045

Open the airlock.

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTT.

We don’t know what state she’s in. We better prepare for the worst.

“Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!”

THUMP

…Ow.

“I’m not dead!”

How did you avoid getting hit?

“That was easy. I jumped.”

Jumped?

“Yeah. We’re tethered to the ship dummy. I just jumped off, held on tight, and then climbed back in.”

Great, we’ll let’s get back in where it’s safe.

“I’ve just proved it’s safe outside too.”

“Careful 3.0, you don’t want to tempt fate.”

“HEY FATE! YOU SUCK!”

Sigh…

156th Entry

April 2^nd, 2037

1015

Dear Space Diary

You guys ready?

“…”

“Get bent.”

Ok, I’m taking both of those as a yes. 3.0, I’m opening the airlock. Be safe out there.

“Like you care.”

I do care, 3.0. I wish you’d believe that.

“…”

Mary I hear you being silent on the intercom. Are you at the computer?

“Yeah.”

Keep an eye on the engines.  I’ll be watching 3.0 on the monitor. We’ll need to work together if –

“What do you mean. You don’t know anything about the mission. Mary and I know it all. All you know is how to be a –“

Hey!

“…It’s ok, 3.0. Let’s go home. I’m tired.”

“Yeah, yeah. Open the airlock.”

PFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTT

Airlock opened.

“I’m stepping out.”

1020

“I’m on the side, got a good hold.”

Good. Closing airlock now.

“Thanks for that. I couldn’t work that out myself.”

3.0…

“ I think what threw me was when the airlock started closing. I mean, what’s that supposed to mean?”

Enough ok? You’ve got weeks to be angry at me yet. Let’s get you back in the ship safely and then you can go back to being pissed at me.

“…Fine. But only because that’s good advice.”

Good.

“And not because I like you in any way.”

1033

“So.”

So.

“3.0’s been gone awhile.”

It’s slow going. Zero gravity is weird.

“So what is she mad about?”

Er…

“Is it us?”

Well, leaving aside that I’m not sure there is an us –

“You’re not sure?”

- I’m not that keen to discuss it. Certain angry people might be listening in.

“Don’t worry, I turned her mike off.”

What? But how will we know if she’s alright?

“The guy who’s monitoring her on the camera should be able to tell.”

…Oh yeah.

“How’s she doing?”

She’s working away along the ship. Making it look pretty easy.

“Anything else?”

She just poked her tongue out at the camera.

“She’s fine. Why is she mad?”

I may have yelled at her.

“That’s not like you.”

Been a bit out of sorts.

“Why?”

Because you kissed me.

“Pardon?”

Because you kissed me.

“Oh. Was it that bad?”

No!

“There’s the yelling.”

Sorry. It… it just confused me. It spun my head around a little. I don’t know what to make of it.

“It was just a kiss.”

I think from this conversation we can agree it wasn’t.

“…Yeah.”

Yeah.

“So where do we go from here?”

I honestly do not know. Beyond home. I guess we’ll work it out.

“Yeah. Sorry.”

Don’t be. It was… nice. Just unexpected.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Well speaking of unexpected…

“It’s the proximity warning. Probably a meteor getting close to the ship. We’ll be safe inside.”

…

“Oh. Crap. 3.0”

She’ll never get back in time. Is it going to hit us?

“I’ll just do some calculations.”

…Well?

“Yes. “

So we just have to hope it doesn’t hit near her.

“I’ll just do some –“

It’s going to hit her.

“Yes.”

155th Entry

April 2^nd, 2037

0900

Dear Space Diary

Well, there goes the alarm. Time to wake up. That might require me to be asleep though.

May have been up all night thinking.  May have been wondering what exactly I think about Mary. May have decided to not let it get to me, that I love my fiancé, and that I don’t want this naïve 20 year space castaway to come in and ruin things.

May have decided I’m being a little unfair. May be rather tired.

0922

Ah, that’s better. Breakfast makes everything better.

No, wait, still tired. And grumpy. Maybe it’s hot showers. Yes. Hot showers make everything better.

0944

Wrong again. I guess if we fix the engines I do have at least five weeks of awkward conversations at mealtimes and avoiding her at all other times for things to get better.

Damn it, this would be so much easier if she hadn’t kissed me.

This would be so much easier if I hadn’t enjoyed it.

Guess I should go talk to her.

9050

Where’s Mary?

“Morning is traditional.”

Good Morning, where’s Mary?

“She’s not talking to you.”

What did I do?

“A very good question. What, in fact, did you do?”

I don’t know what you mean.

“I think you do. Something has happened, and neither of you are telling me what it is. But I’m going to find it out. I’m an excellent detective.”

Have you ever been a detective before?

“In my heart I’m an excellent detective.”

Nothing’s going on, 3.0.

“Exactly what a guilty person would say.”

What would a person say if nothing was actually going on?

“Don’t change the subject!”

BEEP

“Sorry to interrupt, but can I change the subject?”

“Sure Mary, what’s up? And when are you coming out from there? You can’t just talk to us over the intercom forever.”

“Correct. We will at some point reach Earth.”

Hi Mary.

“I’m ready to go outside whenever you want. I’ve spent all morning studying the wiring. I’m ready, Mary.”

Hi Mary.

“That’s good. Well, no time like the present. Put on a suit and let’s get this done.”

“Ok great. I’ll go get ready to step outside. Can you lend me a hand? Mary’ll be on the computer and I could use some help getting into the suit.”

Uh, sure.

“Thanks! See you in a bit.”

“Bye 3.0.”

“Bye Mary.”

…Hi Mary.

“Hi.”

1001

“Ow! Careful with the zip.”

Sorry.

“Hope this isn’t too awkward.”

I’ve helped women get dressed before.

“Cute ones that have a crush on you?”

Actually yes.

“Oh yeah. Your fiancé. You know I don’t know anything about her.”

I don’t want to talk about it.

“I just think –“

Drop it! I don’t want to talk about her. I just don’t want to think about it!

“…Sure.”

Sorry. Need you helmet?

“Just leave it. I’ll finish this myself.”

Look, 3.0, I know I got –

“Get out, please.”

...Sure.

SLAM.

Now they’re both angry at me.

Nice work.

154th Entry

April 1^st, 2037

2137

Dear Space Diary

“You’re staring into space.”

…I am? Sorry.

“You’re not reading too much into our kiss, are you?”

Me? No! Of course not. I have a fiancé. That kiss meant nothing.

“Was it that bad?”

I didn’t mean that and you know it.

“Ok good. Because you shouldn’t read anything into it. That would be bad. It was just a thank you kiss.”

Don’t worry, I know.

“So you’re not reading anything into it?”

No.

“Oh. Fine. That’s fine. Well fine then!”

SLAM

…I’m very confused.

2145

“Hey where’s Mary? I want her to check the wiring stuff so we can go home. Well, so you can go home. I’m going somewhere new, which is pretty exciting when - Are you alright?”

Um. Yes. Yes I’m fine.

“What just happened?”

I don’t actually know.

“You sure you’re alright?”

Er, no, yeah. I’m fine. Nothing. Nothing happened.

“So you didn’t know that nothing happened.”

…Yes.

“Outstanding.”

I’m going to bed.

“Is Mary going to bed too?”

No! I mean, yes. But not with me. She has her own bed.

“…Right. I’m going to go to bed too. In my own bed. Because apparently we’re specifically mentioning that.”

Go to bed.

“Way ahead of you. Night!”

April 2^nd, 2037

0122

That was certainly an… interesting evening.

Shouldn’t get too work up about it. It didn’t mean anything. Mary said. Wait, she got really upset when I agreed with her that it didn’t mean anything. So if she’s angry that I thought it didn’t mean anything, does that mean… it does mean something? So maybe, it means, that it doesn’t mean anything.  It both means nothing, and everything.

That’s either very deep, or very stupid.

Probably both.

Hang on, calm down. Just think a little. Maybe it meant something. Maybe it didn’t . But you still have a fiancé. She’s waiting for you. You hope. No, stop, crazy talk, she’s waiting for you. You only proposed to her two months ago. And you said you’d come back. Only, you’re a month behind schedule. And you’re coming back with two rather attractive women.

I can see the headlines now: “Space Adventurer Ditches Bride-To-Be for Mother of 400.”

Getting a little ahead of yourself there, aren’t you? It was just a kiss. She is pretty cool though. And smart. And you’d be pretty much dead or drifting in space without her. That’s not a good enough reason to fall in love with her, though.

Oh, so it's love now, is it? Way to go to the extreme! This is typical of the way you jump to conclusions.

And another thing, why are you talking to yourself?!

THUMP THUMP THUMP

Hang on, there’s someone at the door.

Oh hello, 3.0, what can I –

“SHUT! UP!”

SLAM

I guess we've been a bit loud. I shouldn’t have shouted.

Don’t mention it, it’s ok. Though you do know you’re still talking to yourself?

Sorry.

That’s ok.

0130

Space Adventurer. I like that.