160th Entry

April 3^rd, 2037

0145

Dear Space Diary

“Mary are you there?”

“Reading you, 3.0.”

“…You mean you can hear me?”

“Yes. 3.0. Yes I do.”

“Because I’m not a book.”

“I can read you like a book if that’s any help.”

“Not especially. Wiring just about done. I’ve replaced the frayed wires, just hooking them up and applying liberal coatings of duct tape and we should be in business.”

That’s amazing, 3.0. Well done!

“Oh, it’s you. Why didn’t you respond to our messages?”

I was asleep. And Mary had the microphone off.

“You could have responded if you really wanted to.”

Had I known you were actually talking to me, I would have. Haven’t you got more important things to be doing than berating me?

“Not especially.”

It’s 2 in the morning and you’re hanging to the side of a spaceship careening through space trying to fix the engine.

“Well when you put it like that…”

0223

“And… I think we’re done. Mary, are we done?”

“Let me run a quick diagnostic.”

THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING NASAGNOSTIC, YOUR NUMBER 1 SPACE DIAGNOSTIC OPTION! Not - Nasagnostic is a systems stability utility, and not a belief that questions the existence of NASA based on a lack of evidence.

TELL YOUR FRIENDS

“Oh God.”

0227

“That was a good idea with the headphones, thanks.”

You’re welcome!

0240

“Last test is done. We got a score of… 5976.”

What does that mean?

“Hang on, I’ll look it up on the table. A score of between 3000-6000 means… Average to Amazing.”

Could you narrow it down at all?

“That would help. I’ll click the advanced results.”

YOU ARE USING A TRIAL VERSION OF NASAGNOSTIC. TO UPGRADE TO THE PRO VERSION OF NASAGNOSTIC, PLEASE PAY A ONE TIME UPGRADE FEE OF $37,000.00. WOULD YOU LIKE TO UPGRADE NOW?

“…No.”

PLEASE WAIT. LOADING ADVANCED RESULTS.

THANK YOU FOR CALLING OUR BLUFF.

“Um, you’re welcome.”

NASAGNOSTIC DOES NOT SUPPORT VOICE RECOGNITION. STOP TALKING NOW.

0244

RESULTS READY

“Here we ware. A score between 5970-5975 equals “A result to be proud of.” A score between 5977 and 5980 equals “Write home and tell your parents about how good your result was.”

So we’re good?

“I think it’s safe to assume. Certainly everything is responding correctly, but I guess we won’t know for sure until we turn the engines on.”

“So I can come back inside now?”

Sure 3.0. Good job. You’ve saved us. Come back in for a well-deserved rest.

“That’s what I was waiting to hear, been feeling pretty short of breath. On my way back in.”

“Great. I’ll start the ignition sequence!”

Well done Mary. We couldn’t have done this without you.

“Ahem.”

Either of you.

“That’s better.”

“You’re welcome.”

…Are we ok?

“We’re going home. Let’s worry about it then. But for now, yes.”

Ok good. Hug?

“Sure!”

…Still kind of awkward.

“Yeah.”

“Hey guys?”

Yes 3.0?

“I think I might be about to pass out.”

Are you ok?

“Right about… now.”

Hello? Hello?