221st Entry

June 5^th, 2037

0815

Dear Earth Diary

Oh.

“I got here about an hour ago. Sorry for not leaving the entrance open, I didn’t want anyone to know I’d found it.”

That makes sense. I would do the same thing.

“Really? I didn’t hear you close the secret door when you came in.”

…Where have you been?

“Looking for fuel. Where have you been?”

Oh you know. Searching. Investigating. Sleeping.

“Sleeping?”

Did you find any fuel?

“Nothing. For a space agency there’s not really a lot around here that gives agency of space. But well done on finding the lab, that’s very impressive.”

Thank you.

“You’re welcome.”

It’s less impressive given that you already found it.

“Yes but I hid it again. Still counts. Anyway, there’s someone that I want you to meet.”

There’s someone down here?

“Oh yes. And I think you’ll want to talk to him. Here. This is Edward.”

Edward?

“Yes, Edward”

So now the truth comes out!

“…No.”

So you’re who was behind this all along!

“No. No, he’s the janitor.”

Oh.

“Is this the guy?”

“That’s him.”

“Right. Honour to meet you etc. etc. Now shut up and let’s get to work.”

…I didn’t say anything.

“Good for you.”

THUMP.

Ow!

“Here, catch.”

What is it?

“Fuel. More than enough to burn this place to the ground. About time we got rid of this.”

You’re a janitor. Where did you find fuel?

“…In my car. Is he always this dumb?”

“Usually.”

“Sigh. Ok, get to work.”

0820

Place is mostly doused. Presumably the hot and burning flames will take care of any bits we missed.

Have taken a look around. I was worried the lab might be in production but it’s completely empty. Guess they must have packed up the previous batch and were waiting to ship it out before starting again.

Or maybe that’s all they wanted? Maybe?

Either way, it burns.

“Does he do this talking to himself thing a lot?”

“Quite a lot. Haven’t you heard his recordings? They’ve been all over apparently.”

“I don’t listen to the news much. So he just talks and it’s getting broadcast?”

While I was out in space, yeah. Now it’s just kind of habit.

“…Why would anyone want to listen to someone as boring as you?”

Thanks a lot.

“You’re welcome. Got a match?”

No.

“Amateurs. Don’t worry, I brought my own.”

That’s quite an arson collection you have there.

“I’m the janitor. I clean up things. Stains, problems. People.”

I am deeply frightened by you right now.

“That’s probably for the best.”

0825

Should I say a few words?

“You always do.”

Yeah.

…

“Oh go on.”

We finally did it. We shut it down.

“We did.”

It’s over.

“We still have to get out of here and make sure the clones are ok.”

True. But for now… we did it.

“We did it.”

…

“Can I say something too?”

Sure thing, Mary.

“I just wanted to say…”

Yes?

“Your hair is on fire.”

220th Entry

June 5^th, 2037

0802

Dear Earth Diary

I think this is it… wait, maybe I’m just really unfit.

…No, I can barely move the other boxes, but this one I can barely even barely move.

Success! I have failed at moving a box!

Ok let’s take a look.

CLUNK

Hmmm. Looks pretty much the same as the other boxes. Nutripaste tubes, some machine that I think kept them dormant… a bit of hay for them to lie on (stay classy, NASA).

All of the machines look the same. Unless I have to enter in a specific code of buttons or something.

What about the hay. Any instructions hidden in there?

Oh hang on, what’s this? Something buried under there.

It’s a big red button and a sign.

THIS BUTTON IS EXTREMELY BORING AND NOT AT ALL IMPORTANT. PLEASE DO NOT PRESS IT.

…Nice try?

CLICK

…

THUNK

…

CLICK, CLICK, CLICK

THUNK

CHUNK

THANK YOU FOR USING MICROSOFT DOOR 2024. YOU ARE ON DAY 4748 OF YOUR 30 DAY TRIAL.

It worked! I did it! I logiced the hell out of that secret door!

Now where is it?

0805

Found it! It was over behind the pipe. A floor hatch has lifted up, revealing a staircase.

Secret lab, here I come!

0807

Dark down here. Kind of spooky, actually.

WHIIIIIRRRRR

Oh good, a green light and strange noises. That’s so much better.

THIS IS A RESTRICTED AREA. PLEASE ENTER YOUR LOGIN AND PASSWORD.

Um…

UM IS NOT A RECOGNISED LOGIN. ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?

I don’t have a login.

I DON’T HAVE A LOGIN IS NOT A RECOGNISED LOGIN. ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?

…Sign in as guest.

ONE MOMENT.

WELCOME, GUEST! PLEASE ENJOY YOUR TIME IN OUR RESTRICTED AREA.

Oh dear. NASA really need to fire their head of security.

Actually maybe that’s what happened.

0810

Well, here we are. Entering the secret lab. Who knows what horrors I’ll find within?

FLOP

I guess a piece of paper on a piece of string hanging from the roof is pretty horrifying.

…It’s a non-disclosure agreement.

There’s a door behind it marked LAB ENTRANCE.

Here we go.

0812

Well I must say on the whole I’m a little disappointed. Here I am, finally after all this time at the centre of their evil operations, and this has to be the most un-evil evil lab I’ve ever been in.

By which I mean it looks to be a pretty well designed and maintained laboratory that would probably pass the majority of workplace safety tests that I’m aware of.

It’s also completely abandoned.

“Hi there.”

Oh my God. Oh my God. MARY?

“Er. Yes?”

I don’t understand. This doesn’t make any sense.

“What doesn’t?”

Wait a moment. I need to process this. You mean, YOU were behind this all along?

“What? No!”

So now the truth comes out!

“I came up with an evil plan to strand myself on Mars and then clone myself?”

…Well how come you’re in the lab then?

“…I found it first.”

219th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

2359

Dear Earth Diary

3… 2… 1…

June 5^th, 2037

0000

Happy New… Day.

I really need to get some sleep. Well, can’t worry about that now. A large fluffy mattress at midnight is neither the time nor the place to think about getting some sleep.

…Actually.

0737

Right. Needed that. Onwards.

0739

So the pipe mouth is out. There’s no way I can get up there. I considered the forklift, but it wouldn’t go high enough, and I’d just be grabbing at dangling all over again.

While I assume my abilities would improve with practice, I’m not entirely sure the timeframe and my spine would allow it.

So I need to find another way down there. I’m going to try something I haven’t used very often in my life, but I’m told it can be quite effective.

I am going to try… logic.

GASP.

…Yes I just gasped at my own announcement. It’s been a rough few days.

Ok here goes.

1.     There must be another way down to the lab, as I’m going to presume that not everybody climbs up the pipe. Occupational Health & Safety Laws alone probably prevent that.

2.     The entrance is probably nearby. While it’s possible that the clone pipe could run for miles, I’m going to assume it doesn’t, since this seems to be a purpose built facility. So it’s probably right below us.

3.     So if there is another entrance, and if it is nearby, then it must therefore be a secret entrance.

So… I’m looking for a secret entrance, nearby!

Maybe.

Possibly.

Hopefully.

0742

If I were a secret entrance, where would I be?

To be fair, if I actually were a secret entrance, I would be unlikely to pose such a question, as I would be incapable of independent thought, or more likely, thought in general.

Fortunately as I’m not a secret entrance, I can ask such questions. However I cannot answer it, because I am not secret entrance. However, if I was a secret entrance, I couldn’t answer it anyway.

…My brain hurts and I have no coffee. Shut up and start looking.

0750

Right. Nothing around the pipe itself.

No secret door near the regular door.

No door near hiding under the mattress, but given I put that there that’s probably ok.

Only place left to look is the boxes. Which actually isn’t that far-fetched. They’re pretty high tech as far as boxes go. Life support systems and a few other things. You could hide a secret switch in one of these boxes pretty easily.

…There’s hundreds of the things.

0752

Nope.

0753

Nope.

0757

Nope.

Ugh. This is going to take forever. There’s got to be a faster way.

Ok, logic. The box is probably fixed to the shelf, as it’ll probably need to connect up to wherever the door is.

Wait, I think I remember the delivery guy complaining about one of the boxes earlier.

Although he did complain about pretty much everything.

218th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

2342

Dear Earth Diary

Ok, so after giving up trying to move some very heavy crates around and instead using a device that is actually designed to do that (I am not designed to do that), I finally have a stack of boxes that can be used a very large, very small staircase.

That last bit made no sense. The stairs themselves are large; the number of stairs is small.

Everybody understand?

Still just me? Talking to myself?

Okay then.

Actually now I think about it this is the first time today that I’ve really been by myself for any extended period of time. It’s been a long day. Oh well, only 18 minutes left.

…I should probably sleep at some point.

2349

After some highly dignified climbing that I choose not to describe, I have managed to get to the top. The pipe is right above me and in easy reach.

What I’ve yet to precisely nail down is how I’m going to climb up the pipe itself.

Hmm, well it doesn’t look toooo slippery. I hope? It’s wide enough for a person to slide out, but not so wide that I couldn’t wedge myself in and stop be falling right back out again.

2353

Ok, let’s give this a shot. Grabbed the mattress with the forklift and put that on top of the boxes, so even if I plummet I hopefully won’t be too dead.

Unless the boxes give way, in which case, who knows? Anyway. Less thinking, more not dying.

Ok, here we go. Just a small jump and OH DEAR GOD I’M GOING TO DIE

…Hey I’m alive. Cool!

May have underestimated the distance between me and the pipe, or perhaps overestimated by ability to jump. I haven’t really done jumping since Splat, and the gravity was much less there.

That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

Alright well now that I am suitably humbled, let’s try that again. If I aim right I should be able to grab the edge and pull myself up from there.

Ok… Hup!

Urgh!

I did it! I got it! Hanging on to the edge of the pipe.

…Now what do I do?

They make this look so easy. You grab the edge, pull yourself up, and away you go.

Just pull myself up, and away I go.

Away I go.

…Yeah not happening.

2355

I think I’m losing my grip. Uh oh.

Maybe I should try swinging a bit, see if I can get my foot on to the other side.

CRASH

Ok that was a bad idea.

Just kicked the boxes over. The mattress is now… over there, rather than right below me. I’m going to do some damage if I drop from this height.

Maybe I should try swinging… No! That was a terrible idea last time.

On the other hand I genuinely can’t think of a better one.

Ok, let’s aim towards the mattress, and throw myself towards it…

2356

SUCCESS!!!!

….Ow.

217th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

2200

Dear Earth Diary

Pipes in a warehouse. Warehouse pipes.

Well, I’ve no better ideas. Guess I should check it out. I was going there anyway.

2215

Alright I’m here. Come at me, pipes.

Actually don’t. Like, really don’t do that. Seriously.

Right. Pipes.

2225

There are a LOT of pipes in here. Like, dozens. I’m looking for some kind of pipe needle in a pipe haystack.

Note to self, don’t just add the word ‘pipe’ onto existing phrases.

2230

While I applaud that guard for the subtlety of his clue, (less so on his subtlety in general) I really don’t know what I’m looking for here.

There’s a bunch of pipes and ducts running along the roof. Presumably carrying water and electricity, though hopefully not at once. Nothing particularly interesting so I think I can rule them out.

Couple of pipes by the door. I think they’re just extension of the roof pipes.

There’s an absolutely massive pipe over in the far corner. Feels warm to the touch. Hmm. It is large enough to fit a person. Maybe they… pipe… the clones up here from a lab down below?

It’s not the stupidest theory I guess. They could send them up here, box them up and stack them.

Still doesn’t help me actually access the lab though.

Well, let’s think about this. If they send clones up by a pipe, then presumably it has to spit them out somewhere. And presumably it has to be somewhere low to the ground to avoid damaging the goods. And to avoid making a mess.

Ew.

Anyway, if that’s what they’re doing, it has to be around here somewhere. It’s a lot easier to see now that we’ve shipped all the clones out. But even so, this place is huge. Fortunately so is the pipe I’m looking for.

Ok. So, the pipe starts here… and goes straight down through the floor. Great. Let’s try the other way.

Starts here… and goes straight up through the roof.

Just great.

Guess I’ll just search the whole place then.

2251

Found it! At last. Way waaay over in the corner the pipe comes back down through the roof and stops about halfway down. Quite a high tech transport system, except for the bit where they just chucked an old mattress under the pipe to catch the Marys when they came through.

Budget cuts I’m guessing. Or it was originally built for something less squishy.

It also is going to make it significantly harder to get up there. There’s some empty boxes in the corner (we checked them before shipping out the Marys) that might be able to hold my weight if I stack them up.

2256

Good lord. Empty or not they’re bloody heavy.

2259

Uruuuuuururrrururrggh.

Now how the hell do I lift them?

2312

PANT, PANT, PANT

Oh God. Well… that’s… that’s one…

5 to go…

2315

Damn it! Just knocked the first box off. Back to…

Is that a forklift?

216th Entry

June 4^th, 2037

2120

Dear Earth Diary

So it’s decided then.

“Yes. Destroy the clone facility, keep the clones safe until we expose NASA’s plan, then eat cake.”

We never talked about cake.

“Are you saying you don’t want cake?”

I’d like to be clear. I never said that.

“Excellent. So it’s a plan.”

It’s a plan!

2122

…Something feels weird.

“That we actually know what we’re doing?”

Yeah I think that’s it.

“It’s a good thing. We know how to stop them! We can actually end this.”

High five!

“No.”

Ok.

2124

“Any idea where they keep the spare fuel around here?”

And we’re back.

2140

Mary and I split up and are searching for the extra fuel. I’m keeping an eye out for any additional lab facilities where they might be doing the actual clone growing. 3.0’s lab is all doused and ready to burn, but it didn’t have any facilities that could produce the large number of clones we found, so I’m guessing that was mostly research and development. Mary isn’t the largest of people, but it’s not like the clones would only be the size of 200ish oranges.

And one avocado.

The upshot being, there has to be another lab somewhere, where they could grow the clones, then send them up to the packing warehouse to be shipped out.

Problem is, I’ve been most everywhere I can think of, and there’s nothing to suggest something that big is anywhere in this facility. So unless it’s somewhere else, it must be really well hidden.

And it can’t be somewhere else, because if it was, we’d be screwed.

So it’s definitely here.

Definitely.

2150

Lacking any better ideas, I’m heading back to the warehouse to see if I can trace it backwards from there. Worth a shot I guess.

Oh, there’s one of the guards! Maybe they can help.

Hi there! Listen, I’m looking for –

…Why are you facing away from me?

Stop that.

“Nothing to report! There’s nobody here. Just an empty corridor. Tra-la-la. Wink.”

Did you just say wink?

“I’m practising being Space Guy. For fun! Not that I have seen him or ever spoken to him, or even know who he is. Wink again.”

Hey guard, since I’m not here –

“Wow, this corridor is so empty!”

...Why not remind yourself about anything you saw that might hint towards the secret clone lab, that’d be fun?

“Why, I’d be happy to, since no one is here. Of course, I’m forbidden to discuss it, even with myself. It’s in my contract.”

Of course it is.

“But it’s my lunch break soon, so I’m going to have a PIPEing hot lunch in the WAREHOUSE.”

Eh?

“Afterwards, I might smoke a PIPE.”

…Ah.

“And then I might go check out the PIPES in the WAREHOUSE.”

I got it.

“Oh thank goodness for that. Er, not that you’re here.”

It’s all good, I’m not.

“Wink!”

…Wink.

“Hot damn! Wait til I tell my kids about what did not just happen!”