130th Entry

March 22nd, 2037

2104

Dear Space Diary

“…Can I come with you?”

“We need you. You’ve looked after us. Mary 2.0 raised us, but you gave us life?”

“Well, I kind of just facilitated. NASA created the facility.”

“The first facility.”

“The one I blew up, killing everyone inside.”

“But then you rebuilt from the ashes a new facility, the facility that came after.”

“If you turn me into a religion I will punch you so hard…”

“Please. Don’t get ahead of yourself. But we’d like you to come with us.”

“Thank you. I know you ask out of love, and I really do appreciate it. But I’ve been away from Earth, for over 20 years now. I’ve been away long enough. I’m… I’m tired. I just want to go home.”

“…we understand.”

“Just you, or do you have some kind of weird clone based telepathy powers?”

“WE UNDERSTAND”

Don’t encourage them, Mary.

“It’s ok, Mary. It’s sad you won’t be with us, but you deserve to go home. At least Mary 2.0 is going with us.”

Well, all sorted then! Let’s get you off this ship.

2123

Everyone aboard? Sound off, please!

“Pod 1 full!”

“Pod 2 full!”

“Pod 3 full!”

2127

“Pod 46 full!”

“Pod 48 full!”

Pod 49 full!”

Ok, and Bobo, had the 50^th. We’re set! Preparing to launch.

“Hang on, what about Pod 47?”

Pod 47, what’s going on?

“It’s Mary 2.0!”

What about her?

“She won’t fit through the door!”

She’s not that large, what’s the problem?

“It’s my tank, moron. It’s too tall to fit through the door.”

What? Haven’t you finished growing yet?

“I’m sorry if regrowing almost my entire body from scratch is messing with your plans.”

Ok, ok, sorry, that was uncalled for. What if we took the wheels off?

“Still too tall. Besides, you’re too weak to push me through. Also, you don’t have time to be insulted, so let’s just keep moving, shall we?”

Ok, well what if we tipped you on your side, then tried to push you through at an angle?

“I’m not a bookshelf, you idiot, trust me when I say this tank will not fit.”

Well, then you’re going to have to stay. If they don’t leave now, they can’t leave.

“I’m not going to Earth! If I meet NASA I’ll kill them. I want to be as far away as possible from them and all their bloody plans.”

So you’re going to live in a city they built, staffed by robots they made, with clones they grew?

“…Oh shut up. You’re useless.”

TANK DISENGAGED

What are you doing?

“Getting home.”

But you’re not finished regrowing yet?

“It would seem I’ve out of time.”

PSSSSSHHHHHHHHTTTTT

SPLASH

“Um, 2.0?”

“Yes, clones?”

“We are grateful that you raised us, and thrilled your coming with us, but…”

“What?”

“Did you have to open the tank while we were downstream?"

“…Sorry about that.”

2.0, are you ok?

“Fine. Don’t have a leg to stand on, but I’m fine.”

129th Entry

March 22^nd, 2037

1900

Dear Space Diary

There goes Bobo. Alas, we hardly knew ye.

“That’s not the actual line, you know.”

Oh like you’ve read Hamlet.

“20 years. In space. With Books.”

He’s going to be out of range soon.

“Don’t worry, he’ll be safe. I’ve got the schematics loaded. These pods are… well, they’re a lot like your ship. In fact, they pretty much are your ship.”

Only with an autopilot. In which case, we’re stuck. We can’t override them. The pods are useless.

“Fortunately, no. This is an almost exact replica of your pod. Their wondrous design obviously didn’t extend to safety measure.”

Why am I not surprised?

“Well, not one to defend them, but the orders from their financiers probably didn’t include safety precautions. They didn’t want the clones leaving the ship after all, so why give them the option? NASA probably snuck in what they could.”

Possibly.

“But that’s not what I’m getting at. The thing is, they are EXACTLY the same as your ship. Meaning, no autopilot.”

Then who’s flying Bobo’s pod?

“At a guess, NASA. They could program in coordinates over the radio, that would override its basic homing system. If they’ve preprogrammed the pods to Earth, they wouldn’t need an autopilot, they just need to punch in Earth’s coordinates, and tell it to “head that way”. This is space. It’s pretty much straight all the way.”

So can we change the program? Surely NASA could just change it again if they’re listening in?

“I can fix that.”

You can jam NASA’s radio frequency?

“Something like that.”

1945

So now I know how long it takes to rip out 50 radio antennas.

2045

“Ok, that was easy enough.”

Told it to head to Marysvilletopia?

“Sort of. Turns out NASA are a little smarter than I gave them credit for. The homing coordinates Earth are hard-coded. Couldn’t tell it to go to another planet.”

So I ripped out all those antennas for nothing?

“Let me finish. I can’t tell it to go to anywhere but Earth.”

So…

“So, I told it Earth was somewhere else.”

…that seems suspiciously easy.

“I know. But I’ve triple checked it. The ship quite happily thinks it’s going to Earth. It’s just that instead of over here, Earth is over there.”

Excellent! Nothing like lying to a computer.

“Pretty much.”

2103

“Any further questions before you head into the pods?”

Remember, you’ll have to be quick. We’re starting to get out of range.

“So the ships are safe?”

We’re scanning Bobo, he’s alive and well and on his way to our solar system.

“But ours will go to Marysvilletopia?”

“That’s right, we’ve reprogrammed them to head straight there, and stopped NASA from being able to reprogram them. You can go, but you have to go now, or you could end up drifting in space. Trust me, that’s not fun.”

“So, we’re free?”

“You’re free.”

“Then we’ve one question for you Mary.”

“Ask away.”

“Can you come with us?”

128th Entry

March 22^nd, 2037

1805

Dear Space Diary

CLICK

Could all Marys please come to the main living area.

1823

Thank you all for coming. Eventually.

“Sorry. There was something good on the tv.”

What was it?

“Bobo. He was doing tricks until he fell off.”

Most amusing.

“We told him to stop, but he just kept doing them.”

He’s funny like that. Right. So. I’ve got some good news for you all.

“We’re not in space?”

No, we are still in space.

“Cause that sounds like bad news.”

The good news is we’ve found you a way back to Maysrvilletopia. There are escape pods below deck, and if we launch them soon, we should be able to get you back safely.

“Then what are we waiting for! To the pods!”

Single file people, single file!

“No time! To the escape pods!”

The ladder is only wide enough for one person.

“…single file, people, single file!”

1843

“I’m not so sure about this.”

What’s the problem?

“Well, NASA made these pods, right?”

Presumably.

“The same people that hard coded the autopilot to go to Earth.”

Yes that’s them.

“In other words, they may not want us going anywhere else.”

Yes.

“So why have they given us escape pods?”

…Ah.

“How do we know it’s safe? You can’t make us go in there! I demand you make sure they’re safe first!”

Ok, ok, so you want me to launch one of the pods and test if it’s safe?

“Yeah! We refuse to get in the pod until they’re tested!”

Ok, who wants to volunteer to test them?

1848

Anyone?

“But what if it isn’t safe?”

Then we’ll know it isn’t safe.

“But what happens to the person who tests it?”

They’ll know it isn’t safe too.

“Oh.”

Somebody is going to have to volunteer if you want it tested.

“I think you should test it.”

But I’m going to Earth. I don’t want to go back to Splat.

“Marysvilletopia.”

That too. Somebody who’s going to the planet formally known as Splat needs to test it.

“Ah.”

So you won’t get into the pods without testing them first?

“No.”

And nobody here is willing to test them?

“…”

Well, it appears than that you’re coming to Earth.

“…yeah.”

I’m sorry. The offer is there, but we’ll be out of range in a day or so. You need to decide. Otherwise –

WOOF!

Exactly, Bobo, exactly.

WOOF!

Yes, you’ve said that.

GRRRR.

What do you want?

ARF!

“He’s getting in the pod!”

Bobo!

“He’s pressing the launch button! He’s going to launch the pod!”

“That’s one well trained dog.”

Don’t worry, I’ll stop him. Bobo –

“BOBO! Get out of the escape pod!”

…oh dear.

TSSSSSHHHHHHH

BOOM

“…Bobo’s gone.”

…quick! To the cockpit!

1853

Can we stop it Mary?

“There’s no link between the pods. Once it’s launched, it’s gone.”

What’s going to happen to him?

“Well, the default is he’ll home in on the nearest habitable planet, so… wait, it’s turning.”

Where’s it’s headed?

“…Earth.”

127th Entry

March 22^nd, 2037

1715

Dear Space Diary

COURSE TO EARTH SET. 5 MINUTES UNTIL LAUNCH

…is that the intercom over there?

“I think so.”

CLICK

Could I have all the clones in the dining area please? Kind of now. Well, really now.

1717

So we have a problem. There’s an autopilot. It’s going to Earth, it’s leaving in 5 minutes, and it’s taking you all with it.

“WHAT?”

We just found out, I’m sorry.

“You tricked us! I don’t love you anymore!”

Well it isn’t all bad then.

“Hey!”

Joke. Lightening the situation.

“And using up valuable time!”

Look, we didn’t trick you, I promise. We had no idea NASA had programmed the autopilot to lock course the moment it confirmed you were all aboard. But they have. And we don’t have time to turn it off. Unless we can think of something in the next two and a half minutes. So it’s game time. We can do this. How do we get out of this?

1720

3… 2… 1… BLAST OFF.

PHWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMPH

1721

Meeting adjourned.

1733

We’re in space.

Hello space. It’s been a while.

Still not talking to me? Fair enough.

“…Who are you talking to?”

Space, you know.

“Yeah, I kind of do.”

So. What are we going to do?

“I really don’t know. Mixed feelings. We’re going home! But…”

Yeah. But.

“How are they taking it?”

Not especially well.

“I wouldn’t have, either.”

Well, they are you.

“Not anymore. Maybe at the start. But they’ve, well, grown. Literally. 2.0;s been a big influence. They’re not my… clonebabies… anymore. They never were, actually.”

Clonebabies?

“Shut up.”

Suggestion noted. Any ideas on how to get them back to Splat?

“None come to mind.”

So, we have trapped –

“Accidentally.”

- Accidentally trapped over a hundred innocent souls -

“Do clones have souls?”

…I don’t think this is the time for philosophy.

“We’ve just doomed over a hundred maybe-souls. I think this is the perfect time for philosophy.”

I think this is the perfect time for action.

“Great. What action?”

I don’t know.

“Precisely. So unless you can think of an actual solution, I think you need to get out of your escapist attitude and accept the reality you’re in, nitwit. We’ve done this, and we just need to face facts and... why are you staring at my shoulder?”

I’m not. I’m staring past your shoulder. What did you just say?

“Unless you can think of an actual solution?”

After that.

“Nitwit?”

Before that.

“…get out of your escapist –“

Bingo. Do we have any escape pods on board?

“…that’s a very good question.”

1800

I was half expecting the answer to be no, but as it turns out we have a full complement escape pods.  They’re below deck, you go down a hatch way and reach a departure bay lined with pods. Each is pretty roomy, with seating for five adults.

And one baby.

…NASA I’m not entirely sure what you expected was going to happen on this trip.

126th Entry

March 22^nd, 2037

1555
Dear Space Diary

Preparations are going well for our departure.

This is largely because there’s nothing to prepare.

The St Mary is fully stocked. We’ve decided to take the big ship, even though we could all now fit in my ship and the Zubrin, given it’s just me, Mary, 3.0, and Bobo makes four. But due to extenuating circumstances for all of us (Mary doesn’t want to be all alone in a tiny ship while 3.0 and I are in the Zubrin; I don’t want to be all alone in the Zubrin with 3.0 while Mary is in the tiny ship; 3.0 can’t fly the tiny ship and wants to be and the Zubrin doesn’t have a self-changing dog litter tray), we all decided it would be best to take the larger ship.

Except for Bobo. Bobo will go where I tell him not to go.

Surprisingly, taking the larger ship means we have almost no work to do. It already is fully stocked with enough food to last the trip (the apples and kiwi fruit seem to have reappeared overnight, so obvious there’s some fancy tech working under the hood.

Or a massive refridgeration unit.

Or a really small kitchen. Presumably with a really small cook.

So, all we have to do is finish shutting down the facility.

…which we did yesterday.

So, all we have to do is figure out a way to get the clones to the city.

…which is to ferry them across in the St Mary.

So, all we have to do is…

Um…

All we have to do is go home.

…Wow. I feel like there should be fireworks or something.

“This computer says there’ll be a comet in a few days. Does that count?”

Close enough.

1630

“Ok, single file, single file, Marys. Let’s get you on in an orderly fashion.”

“Question, Mother Mary?”

“Don’t call me that. Yes?”

“You told us the atmosphere is toxic if you’re out in it for too long?”

“About half an hour, that’s right.”

“And you two are the only two in spacesuits?”

“Again, that’s right.”

“Then, all due respect, but screw single file. CHARGE!”

1700

Ship is full to the gills with Marys. They’re still fighting over bunks, which is a little odd as there’s about twice as many as we need (evidently the first batch of clones was a lot larger than this ‘mere’ 100ish) but at least it keeps them busy.

Mary 2.0 doesn’t get a bunk as she’s sadly still regrowing but is trundling around happily in her tank. Bobo seems to have taken a shine to her and follows her around everywhere, but I guess that could be his ironclad reverse psychology, given I told him specifically to leave her alone.

Seems we’re all set. Goodbye cloning facility, next stop, city.

1712

We ready, Mary?

“All set! Everyone is aboard and we’re primed for launch. Now I just press this button and –“

CLONES VERIFIED. AUTOPILOT ENGAGED.

“…panic.”

125th Entry

March 22^nd, 2037

0900

Dear Space Diary

“Wake up! It’s time for the clones to make their decision.”

Bleeeeeeeerrrrrrgh.

“Sleep well?”

The two and half hours that I got were absolutely delightful.

“Why so little?”

Well, first I couldn’t sleep because I had to play fetch with Bobo.

“Yes.”

And then I just couldn’t sleep.

“So still a step forward.”

Not really, no.

“Oh well, you can sleep on the way home. Come on, let’s go.”

0913

Don’t wait up, Bobo.

ARF

‘Arf’ indeed.

1020

Have you all reached a decision?

“WE HAVE.”

Ok, first of all, don’t all speak at the same time. It’s freaky.

“SORRY.”

Seriously stop it. Mary 3.0, are you happy to speak for the group?

“Sure thing, darling.”

Please don’t call me that.

“Ok, honeybunch”

…And back to darling. And you are all resolute in your decision? Everyone agreed?

“Yes, darling.”

Ok, you know what? No suffixes. What is your decision.

“Sigh, fine. We, the Committee of Liberated and Organised New Entities… that spells CLONE, you know…”

Yes. I know.

“…Have declared that we wish to return to Earth.”

Are you sure?

“Yes.”

And you’ve no second thoughts.

“No.”

And you understand that whoever has hired NASA to create you, has done so for reasons unknown, wants you back, also for reasons unknown? And that, given they sent the ship, they’ll probably be waiting for it when it lands?

“…We have made our decision. We, the Committee of Liberated and Organised New Entities would like to stay here, on Marysvilletopia.”

Who came up with the name?

“It was a group effort.”

It shows.

“THANK YOU”

Argh, don’t do that!

1330

“Ok, we’re done, and we’ve made a decision.”

Are you coming back to Earth?

“Yes.”

Are you staying here?

“Yes.”

It can’t be both.

“Sure it can. We took a vote. We decided that even though we all come from Mary, and all share memories and appearance, we are still individuals. We deserve to be treated as individuals.”

Meaning?

“Meaning we are all free to choose for ourselves. We are all free to be… well, us.”

That’s very… human of you.

“Thank you. We thought so.”

So I guess about half of you will be going to Earth with us?

“Actually no, we’re pretty much all staying.”

…So even after your desire to all be individuals, you’re all going to do the same thing?

“Yes! We all individually decided to do exactly the same thing. Individually. Problem?”

Many. But never mind. So, how many are coming with us?

“One.”

Just one?

“Only one.”

Mary 2.0? Are you coming with us?

“Actually, I’m thinking I might stay.”

But… you hate it here!

“That was when I lost my family. But since then I’ve had a lot of time to think. Also, I was dead. That kind of changes your perspective. Now I have a new family. And I’m the oldest one here. They need looking after.”

…Then who is coming with us?

“Hello darling!”

Oh no.

124th Entry

March 21^st, 2037

2345

Dear Space Diary

The clones are taking the evening to debate and think about options. We stayed and listened to the first half an hour or so, but given they all sound exactly the same it got very difficult to work out who was saying what and who was winning, so we’ve left them to their argument and have come up to the St Mary to sleep.

Kind of hoping they take a few weeks to decide, these beds are comfy.

2352

Sheets! I didn’t realise how much I’ve missed sheets. Sheets are awesome. I love you sheets.

Ok, took that slightly too far. Dial it back a bit. Sheets are awesome. Yes.

March 22^nd, 2037

0003

Just about falling –

WOOF

…Yes, Bobo, what can I do for you.

WOOF!

I’m not playing fetch with you. It’s late, and Mary made me clean up all the kiwi fruit from last time. Plus we used up all the kiwi fruit.

WOOOF!

“You know, given NASA put a dog on a spaceship, it’s just possible they included a ball. Dogs need daily exercise after all. How did they keep him fit and happy for the voyage?”

This is true.

“Lock the door when you leave.”

…sigh.

0018

Didn’t so much find a ball as an entire “Dog Exercise facility.” This place is… well, it’s amazing, but also hilarious. I’m pretty sure they spent more on this room than my entire life support system.

NASA’s priorities are worrying, and also a little depressing.

There is a wall of tennis balls. No racquets.

There’s a treadmill which turned a video feed of a footpath in a park that speeds up and speeds down as the dog runs on it.

There’s a mechanical arm, which upon closer inspection appears to exist entirely to throw and catch tennis balls. I’m not the most skilled thrower out there, but it caught everything I threw at it. I had to stop then as Bobo started getting impatient that he wasn’t involved.

Next door is a “human” gym too, but I couldn’t explore that too much without annoying Bobo.

Ok, let’s get this over with so I can get some sleep.

Catch the ball Bobo!

…

Oh, right. Don’t catch the ball, Bobo.

WOOF!

You’re a weird dog.

0045

So tired. Think I’d better get to bed.

GRRRR

…Damn you Bobo!

0220

Bobo I am about to fall over. PLEASE can I go to sleep now?

GRRRR

Bobo, go to sleep!

ARF!

…Bobo, don’t go to sleep.

ZZZZZZZ.

Victory!

0234

At long last, can get some sleep.

Found a kennel for Bobo and carried him in. He’s quite a cute dog I must say. Way too much energy for his own good though, and this “I will do the opposite of everything I tell you” thing is more than a little strange. Still, will be nice to have a bit more company on the way home.

Goodnight. Straight to sleep for me!

0330

…damn it.