121st Entry

March 21^st, 2037

1825

Dear Space Diary

WOOF

Bobo the Wonder Dog is here, on this planet. The one that I’m on. The one that isn’t Earth.

NASA have flown me a puppy.

NASA, why have you flown me a puppy?

WOOF, WOOF, GROWL

“I don’t believe this.”

Me neither.

“…You got me a puppy?”

What?

“Well I said you owed me. I wasn’t exactly thinking a puppy, but still, that’s really sweet.”

Ha. Ha. Ha.

“What is it doing here?”

GROWL

I think it wants me to follow it inside the ship.

“What makes you say that?”

Well it growled.

“Inconclusive.”

Also it’s grabbed my pants leg and is dragging me into the ship.

“Better.”

1835

This ship is state of the art. Everything’s bright white and shiny. There’s bunks, living areas, a kennel for Bobo, and a kitchen.

With real non paste based food!

And a pool table.

“How does a pool table work in space?”

I’m pretty sure it doesn’t.

“This place is amazing..”

1837

Mary found apples in the kitchen. I think she’ll be there for a while. This place is incredible. Just found the entertainment room. Officially in heaven. There’s a TV here that’s larger than my spaceship. And a catalogue that says they’ve got quite a few movies.

All of them, in fact.

1842

All this extravagance leads to two immediate thoughts.

The first is why NASA would go to the trouble of building such a large and opulent space ship and then send it over here with a fully stocked larder and an excitable dog, but no actual people. I know it’s a prototype, but it’s still an awful lot larger than they need it to be.

The second thought is why didn’t NASA build ME a spaceship like this.

Stupid NASA.

“Why, what did they do now?”

They –

GREETINGS CLONES!

…who said that?

“At a guess, the guy on the TV behind you?”

Wait, I know him, he’s –

YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHO I AM.

No I’m not, I know who you are. You’re Walter –

WALTER’S THE NAME. BEING THE CHIEF MISSION LEAD AT NASA… IS MY GAME.

<PAUSE FOR LAUGHER>

“I don’t understand, why would we be laughing?”

Walter isn’t the mission lead. When I left Earth, he was an accountant. Not a very good one.

NOW THAT YOU’VE ALL FINISHED LAUGHING, I’D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU ABOARD THE “ST MARY” YOUR NEW HOME AND TICKET TO EARTH.

“…Earth?”

St Mary?

“Hey, I could be a Saint if I wanted to.”

I think that’d probably be up to, I don’t know, a church of some kind?

ONCE YOU’RE ALL ON BOARD, YOU WILL RELAX IN COMFORT AND JOY BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS. SINCE WE CREATED YOUR DREAMS, WE KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE.

NOW I KNOW THIS MAY BE STRANGE. MAYBE THE IDEA OF FLOATING IN A TANK OF DNA IS A LITTLE STRANGE TOO. BUT DON’T WORRY.

IT’LL GROW ON YOU.

<PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER>

“I think the subtitle track is broken.”