March 26th, 2037
1135
Dear Space Diary
“Ugh. Guys! Just ask NASA for help! This is their ship, they’ll know how to fix it!”
“No. they betrayed me and left me for dead.”
No. They lied to me and marooned me on an alien world.
“But if we don’t ask them, we’ll be doomed to drift through space for the next 30 years!”
We’ll find another way.
“Great. What is it?”
…I haven’t found it yet.
“How long will it take you? 30 years?”
Don’t be mean.
“Actually, she kind of isn’t. This is a huge ship. We don’t know where to start looking. It could be in the engines. It could be a computer problem. It could be a faulty wire somewhere between the two. In other words we’d need to search every cabin and cavity of the entire ship. It could take years, if not decades. Unless we’re lucky. And I’m not a fan of our luck so far.”
So now you’re on her side?
“Well, she is my genetic double in every single way, down to the last atom.”
Except she’s younger.
“…I’m going to give you 30 seconds to decide if you’d like to pretend you’d never said that.”
It’s ok, I don’t need 30 seconds.
“Good man. Look, I don’t want to talk to them any more than you do. I really don’t. I’d prefer not to have anything to do with them, ever. But if it’s a choice between talking to NASA and drifting aimlessly in space for 30 years again, I don’t really feel I have a choice.”
…I don’t know. Can we trust them?
“Ugh. Honestly, how did I ever fall in love with you?”
Hormones.
“30 seconds?”
I’m good.
“Right. Allow me to use an analogy to help explain your choices.”
Go ahead.
“See this strawberry?”
Yes.
“This strawberry represents your pride and stubbornness.”
Ok.
“Now, see my fist?”
Yes.
“This fist represents my fist.”
Ah.
“Any questions?”
No, no, that’s a very clear analogy.
“So what would you like to do now?”
I’d like to go talk to NASA.
“Excellent! That’s a great idea.”
1400
Sent NASA a short (admittedly slightly terse) message explaining that we were drifting aimlessly (in more ways than one), and asking if, given they stranded us here in the first place they might redeem themselves by helping us to get back again.
They won’t respond. We did foil and ruin all of their plots. That’s bound to make you a little snippy towards someone.
1500
Knew they wouldn’t –
<INCOMING TRANSMISSION>
__
GOOD AFTERNOON.
LOVELY TO HEAR FROM YOU AFTER SO LONG! WE ARE VERY SORRY TO HEAR YOU ARE HAVING SPACESHIP TROUBLE. I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT!
I HAVE INCLUDED A SHORT QUESTIONNAIRE TO PROPERLY ASSESS THE PROBLEM. PLEASE RETURN THIS FORM ASAP SO THAT I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT!
P.S. SURE SOUNDS LIKE 3.0 HAS A MEAN RIGHT CROSS!
LOVE,
NASA
NASA
__
<END TRANSMISSION>
Clearly they’ve hired a new customer relations officer.
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