203rd Entry

June 3^rd, 2037

0903

Dear Earth Diary

“All rise.”

We’re the only ones here.

“Court is now in session.”

What court? There’s no one here.

BE SEATED, DEFENDANT. GAVEL. GAVEL.

What on earth is that?

I AM JUDGEATRON 4000. HERE TO DISPENSE JUSTICE. ALSO COMPLIMENTARY COFFEE.

This is ludicrous.

CAPPUCINO. ONE MOMENT SIR OR MADAM.

“Court cases are settled by computer now. Where have you been?”

Space.

“The Judgeatron 4000 is the leading justice computer on the market, after the JuryRigged was recalled over hacking allegations. With its 12 CPUs and the latest in Antiwitnessleading technology we can rest easy that the right people are behind bars. But hey, don’t judge it until you try it.”

Did you just wink at me?

“Sorry. Seemed appropriate.”

I see.

“Also, the coffee’s quite good.”

Excellent.

YOUR COFFEE IS READY SIR OR MADAM.

Thank you.

STEAMING HOT COFFEE, STEAMING HOT JUSTICE. EVERY TIME.

Great.

BE SEATED. ORDER IN THE COURT. WARNING. MILK SUPPLIES LOW. GAVEL. GAVEL.

I am going to die.

PROSECUTION. YOU MAY BEGIN. GAVEL.

PLEASE WAIT. LOADING PROSECUTION.

HEY. BUDDY. YOU’RE GUILTY. JUST ADMIT IT SO WE CAN GO HOME EARLY.

“Objection.”

SUSTAINED. THE PROSECUTION WILL REFRAIN FROM BADGERING THE WITNESS.

UNDERSTOOD. PLEASE FORGIVE ME. I AM DISTRACTED BECAUSE MY WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR.

This is ridiculous! I don’t trust this thing to run a fair trial!

“Its track record is irrefutable. It is concerned with nothing but handing down justice.”

PLEASE EMPTY SUGAR TRAY

But it’s also the Prosecution!

“It’s efficient. Can we get on, Mr. Justice?”

PLEASE. CALL ME JUDGEY.

“No. I believe it was time for the verdict?”

Hang on, what about the trial?

“Oh we did that before. The Judgeatron has been given full access to all court files and data and is able to accurately declare justice in 0.000003 seconds. That’s well below the justice benchmark.”

What, did you memorise the pamphlet?

“I wrote the pamphlet.”

Isn’t that a conflict of interest?

“Why? He’s not convicting me, after all.”

But if he’s already completed the trial, why have I just sat through this… this… whatever this was?

“Overtime.”

For goodness’ sake.

“I’ve got children to feed.”

Aren’t you worried what they’ll think when they find out their dad is corrupt?

“Oh they’re not my children.”

PLEASE WAIT. LOADING VERDICT.

…

VERDICT LOADED. CHECKING FOR UPDATES.

DOWNLOADING LATEST PATCH.

ADDITIONAL FONT PACKAGES REQUIRED. DO YOU WISH TO DOWNLOAD THEM NOW?

No.

PLEASE WAIT. DOWNLOADING ADDITIONAL FONT PACKAGES.

VERDICT COMPLETE. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR IT NOW?

Yes. Sure. Get it over with.

THE DEFENDANT IS FOUND…

…Yes?

PLEASE EMPTY SUGAR TRAY.

Just give me my damn verdict!!

THE DEFENDANT IS FOUND… GUILTY.

What a surprise.

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN TAKING A SHORT SURVEY ABOUT YOUR COURTROOM EXPERIENCE? SUBMIT YOUR RESPONSE AND ENTER THE DRAW TO WIN A FREE RETRIAL.

0930

Back in my cell. What a ridiculous morning.

Execution is set June 10^th, 1445.

Which is about 20 minutes before Mary saves the day.

…yaaaaaaaaaaay.