Thirty-Sixth Entry

March 10^th, 2037

1317

Dear Space Diary.

Only two hours ago, my biggest worry was trying to get back inside my spaceship – or any spaceship – before I sealed myself to a slow and painful death by lead poisoning.

I’m happy to say that particular issue has been dealt with.

Instead, I now have less than half an hour to shut down a twenty year old self-destruct system that my employers turned on because they thought I was trespassing.

Which in a way I was, but that’s not the point.

Ok, they’ve sent an audio instruction manual along with their last message. Hopefully I can work this out in time. Mind you, if it’s a standard NASA manual it’ll take me longer than half an hour just to listen to the thing, let alone understand it.

ZUBRIN – Instruction Manual – Last Updated 4^th April 2015.

<PLAY>

“Congratulations on choosing the ZUBRIN Mark IV, NASA’s newest...”

<FAST FORWARD>

Table of contents, here we go...

1322

Found it. Chapter 97: Emergency Destruct system.

“To arm the ZUBRIN’s Emergency Des-

<FAST FORWARD>

Yes, thank you, it’s already armed.

“...means it has been disarmed successfully.”

Blast, too far.

<REWIND>

“... if you want to disarm the emergency destruct system...”

Yes, I do. Go on.

“Follow these easy steps. First, open panel to the right of the main console screen. Then, get your wire cutters...”

<PAUSE>

Blast! Wire cutters. Mary, you better have packed some. And then filed them away properly before you died. In some hopefully painless and non wire cutter losing way.

1325

Come on, come on. You must have some.

1330

Yes! Ok, ten minutes until this place is destroyed. Back to the manual.

<PLAY>

“First of all, this is extremely important. Do NOT cut the green wire.”

Don’t cut the green wire. Don’t cut the green wire.

Oh.

There isn’t a green wire. Well, that was easy.

“Now, cut the blue wire.”

SNIP.

Done. Easy enough so far.

“Then carefully cut the following 27 wires in this exact order...”

Sigh.

1337

Ok, that’s all of them. I’m safe now, right?

“Congratulations, you are now halfway through disarming the emergency destruct system.”

AAAARRGGGHH!

Forget this, I don’t have time. I’m cutting them all.

1338

SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP.

1339

SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP.

1340

...SNIP.

“Finally, press the off button.”

Off button, off button. There isn’t an off button! There’s a button. Is that the off button? What happens if I press it? And why am I asking questions to a tape recording?

CLICK.

...Nothing happened. Is it off? How do I tell?

“If you have successfully disarmed the emergency destruct system, you will notice that there is no explosion. This means it has been disarmed successfully.”

Great. Still, I don’t appear to be dead. I call that a win.

Well at least now I can –

1341

...What’s that noise?