March 2nd,
2037
0600
Dear Space
Diary.
NASA have
sent me three different mission reports this morning, with a list of criteria
they’d like me to check for, and possible scenarios to get myself and possibly
this craft out of this rather large hole and on to the surface.
Coincidentally,
that’s exactly the number of files I’ve deleted this morning.
Since I know
you’re reading this NASA, I will establish once again that I have no intention
of doing any research, exploration, or indeed, any other kind of work for you.
I signed a contract to be a pilot for a test flight to the edge of the solar
system and back. Given I’m now in a completely different Solar System and stuck
90 metres underground on a mystery planet known only as Splat, I feel very
disinclined to help you out.
Sorry. But
I’m ready to go home now.
0700
NASA just
sent me a very angry message telling me that this is a historic opportunity to
get data about another planet that may never be available again, and it would
be a crime against humanity for me to refuse.
This is certainly
true, and I understand where you’re coming from.
However: Not
in my job description. Not even a little bit.
1100
NASA have
written back, much more politely this time, saying Mission Control have very
kindly offered me a pay rise and an extra bonus should I kindly consent to
assist them with the extra work load.
I replied
with a polite thank you for the offer and included a rough breakdown of the
current funds owed based on my existing salary, plus previously promised
bonuses, plus off peak loading, plus overtime, plus double overtime for
extended work hours, plus interest.
Based on
this, I felt additional pay was not needed at this time, and so felt I must
decline.
1300
NASA just
messaged to ask if I liked puppies. Can’t help but feel they’re scraping the
bottom of the barrel here. Also a puppy is not all that much use to me until I
get home, whereupon I can afford to buy 900 puppies.
So again,
no.
1400
NASA have
messaged me again. The ship they’re sending to get me won’t actually be able to
pick me up to return to Earth unless I can get out of this hole.
1600
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